Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

[FieryChilli]

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

@copperoliver - I agree with you it's nicer for your children and he was your husband.

Kids generally don't give a crap. They grow up with whatever names their parents' have and that is their norm. Mine have never cared that my surname is different to theirs. In fact, when my daughter was younger, she thought it was rather odd for a family to all have the same surname as most of her friends had parents with different surnames. It was interesting really, the school she went to, most of the mothers retained their names but in the other local school, which was generally more traditional, most of the mothers changed their names.

If it's such an issue for her then perhaps your ex could take her (ex husbands) name

@OchonAgusOchonO
I never said that the kids care about it. I just personally think for me it's nicer if you were married to the person you keep the same name as your children.
It's different if you re marry or wasn't married in the first place. X

ExDH should take his wife's name, that will sort it. Or they could both choose a new name if she's that keen to change.

@IceCreamSummer20 you've really pushed your parents issues on to the op here.

I wouldn't be changing my name from my kids. It's a complete head fuck to change too.

Presumably his mum and his granny both had the name before either of you! Just as well he's not the Earl of Ex or she'd be really mad!

I would get name change forms, fill in the basics to change the dc names to my maiden name, and check cost of changing passsports. I’d send the forms and ask him to fill them out and return them to me along with a transfer of £x for their passport reissue and then I could go ahead with it.

I have been divorced for 30 years, and then my ex remarried a bit later, he married a West Indian woman from Jamaica. I Kept my married name,and this woman wanted me to cancel out my married surname,as she said she was No. 1 Mrs so and so now. But after some divorce hassle, me and my ex stayed friends thereafter, and much later, I was reasonably friendly with the second wife too.

On one meeting later, she actually aplogised to me about the surname issue,and decided that I was No 1 wife,despite being the ex., as I was first to marry him. ha ha.!
Sadly my ex Husband died six years ago,so l was always glad to keep his surname,as I have two adult children with the same name.

It is your name now and if you don’t want to change it, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

If it really bothers her, he can take her name.

Why should you change your name? Also, if you end up having a different surname to your kids it can be a nightmare when you want to travel abroad with them. The new woman needs to grow up!

I'd keep the same name as my DC too.

A school friend still has the same name as her first DH, as it is her son's surname, despite having remarried twice!

I'm DH's 2nd wife and his ex kept her married name until she remarried. I'll be honest it did niggle me a bit in the early days although I would never have dreamed of asking her to change it. I'm a bit embarrassed it bothered me at all now tbh, it was immature of me not to realise it was her name, her identity and I totally get her desire (and yours OP) to have the same name as her DC. Ignore your friend, she's not in your shoes and it's none of her business

I took on my DHs surname when we married. We then moved to his country, where women keep their maiden names on marriage.

I applied for a passport in the new country last year, and at the passport interview that I had as part of the process, the guy was very insistent that I was clear about which surname I had on my passport as it couldn't be changed , even if I divorced in the future.

So I had to consider if I wanted my maiden name added to this passport, after 10 years of not using it ( and having no current intention to divorce!) It was interesting to think about it, but I decided not to add my maiden name, but to keep my surname as just my married name. Mainly DC related, but also, it's been my name for 10 years!!

Shes a fruit loop, he should run

he could be Mr. Jones-Harrington-Guilded-Serialmonogamy adding a new name with every marriage

I like this idea. My XDH is warming up to number four. Family are itching to meet her and will be sizing her up in hushed tones in the manner of David Attenborough discovering a new species of rare cat.

honestly, i think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad. I think that anyone who cares what other people do with their name are a bit sad.

It’s just a name. It never even entered my thinking as to whether I would change my name until years after I was divorced, and then it was only when me and DP talked about getting married. But my DS didn’t want a different name to me so that was that. It’s not something I’ve even thought about since.

And tbh all this name changing gets awfully confusing.

I have my eXH’s name as does our DS. His DP has her own name, her child has her father’s name, and her and DP’s child has both their names. Now all I’d need to do to confuse things more would be to revert to my maiden name and then live with DP who has an entirely different name from all of us, in which case. So that would be seven people linked in some way all with different* names apart from eXH and DS who share one...

@bluebluezoo

Lots of people post On MN about it being an issue and having to take birth certificates/letter from the father

That’s an issue with the father then, and permission to leave the country. Not a surname problem.

Lots of people worry about it, as pp said, and take birth certs etc to “prove” the relationship should they be stopped.

As I, and a pp said, experience tells us it’s not rally an issue. I was stopped once, on my own with dd, and she was asked who I was. She said my mum, no issues. When we travel as a family there are no issues at all as dh has their name.

Your experience isn’t universal. I didn’t share a name with my mum and mostly it was fine. However, there are a couple of countries we visited that she was lucky that I was old enough to be listened to as the border control wanted to turn us away as she didn’t routinely travel with a letter from my dad. They spoke to me and asked me if my dad knew where we were travelling to and what he’d said to me about me going. I said yes and he said have fun and gave me some pocket money. It was all fine however, if I’d been younger I have no doubt that we’d have been turned away at the border, he said as much.

Oddly my grandparents only travelled with a letter from my mum and the same country (years before) didn’t ask if it existed let alone ask to see it, we did share a surname.

I tend to travel with an email from DS’s dad just in case but once again it’s never been asked for.

@SoVeryLost

Again, that’s a PR issue, not a surname issue though.

You’d need a letter from the child’s father to prove permission to travel even if your surname is the same as your childs.

honestly, i think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad.

i only use my married name for kids schools. my children want to take my maiden name and likely will change it by deed pole.**

Wtf? Most divorced women I’ve come across have kept their married name, unless they re married obviously. It’s obviously quite a pain to go back to name changing too. I don’t don’t think it’s an issue for most people and who really cares or would question it anyway?

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about names and identity this much before. It is quite interesting in a way and how emotive it can be for some people.

My last dp was divorced. His ex wife had (and probably still has) his name and it didn’t even cross my mind it was an issue. I’ve not even thought about it until now. As I see it her marriage to him was a part of their life together and their children and trying to take a name away is a little like trying to erase their time together. A bit like people not wanting to admit their partner has had a life before them.

As to it being sad - I think it’s more sad to be so insecure in a relationship that a name causes such angst. They’re getting married ffs, isn’t that enough validation??

@Pleasebeaflesbite

he could be Mr. Jones-Harrington-Guilded-Serialmonogamy adding a new name with every marriage

I like this idea. My XDH is warming up to number four. Family are itching to meet her and will be sizing her up in hushed tones in the manner of David Attenborough discovering a new species of rare cat.

You need to do a commentary in his voice when you meet her

Yeah, your ex could always change his surname to his wife’s!

No need to explain your decision to your ex.

I don’t share a name with my ds. Was called on it coming back from australia with him and a 6 month old. Customs guy asked 3yo who I was and he was supposed to say mummy. Instead he said my first name. Customs guy: oh what else do your call her? 3yo tried super hard to think, came out with my full name - 1st snd last name. I’d travelled 30 hours solo with a small child and a baby and barely slept, I felt like I was watching a car crash oh god they are going to stop us from coming in... they asked more questions and let me in and told me to travel with a letter since. Thank goodness as went to the us solo with one of the dc and no way would they have let me in without a letter from husband. Asked lots of detailed questions.
Moral: don’t traffic children and travel with a letter if your name is different from dc.

@timeisnotaline that sounds really stressful. You’d think they’d have something on under 18 yr old passports with parents info, it would save a lot of hassle. Plus what if the father refused a letter.
I remember I used to travel on my dads passport when I was little.

Someone - can't remember the poster's name - came up with a brilliant idea on another thread where all under 18s passports should have on the additional info pages: 'The parents of this child are [name, date of birth] and [name, date of birth].' Would stop all this travel bother!