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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 17/07/2020 20:55

@HogDogKetchup

I am the second wife and always understood why first wife would want to keep the same name as her child.

What I found odd was she just picked and chose when she used it. So on social media, work she went back to maiden name. But at school meetings and medical stuff she would be called Mrs Ketchup. They spilt long before my SS was enrolled in school so I found that really odd.

Because when it's stuff involving the child, sharing a surname can make things easier.

My DC have a different surname to me, I'm not bothered, and they aren't either.

But a couple of times in school, and certainly at one medical appointment, it caused some faff because of the different names. EG, I was once stopped from leaving the school with my child because we didn't have the same surname. Office staff, who knew me, had to vouch to the supply teacher that I was indeed their mum.

But, in general, it isn't a problem.

MulticolourMophead · 17/07/2020 21:03

@Aerial2020

Yes but a maiden name is still a mans name!!!! It has come from a man. Your father. So saying I dont want a blokes name because I dont need exs name is neither here or there. Names originally come from a man
This has been done to death on other threads, but no, not all surnames originate with men.

And once I had my name on that birth certificate, that name became equally mine. I share a name with my dad (and incidentally, it wasn't his birth name). He did not own the name originally, no one owns a name.

TicketToTheWrongFilm · 17/07/2020 21:06

And once I had my name on that birth certificate, that name became equally mine. I share a name with my dad (and incidentally, it wasn't his birth name). He did not own the name originally, no one owns a name.

Exactly. Why do men have names and women just “get names from a man”?

DS has my surname; I guess you’re going to say that he got it from my father rather than from me? (Although it was both my parents’ name when I was born - why did I get it from my father then and not from both parents?)

mineofuselessinformation · 17/07/2020 21:16

By the time I was divorced, I had used my married name for over half of my life. It's my name, what I'm called.
I don't want to have a different surname to my dc. If I ever did feel the need to change it, I would go double-barrelled. (His surname - my maiden surname.)
If ever xh did marry his partner not that he ever will because he's too much of a tightarse to give her access to all of his finances, she would have to make do with being Mrs X number two - and there's nothing wrong in that, because she would be his second wife. Whether she chooses to or not, should the occasion arise, is up to her.

Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 21:18

Where do they orginate from then?

RainbowMum11 · 17/07/2020 21:20

It's a pain in the arse to change your name, and I personally didn't change back as my 'maiden name' was irrelevant to me, and I didn't want a different name to DC for travelling and ease really.

Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 21:22

The name on your birth certificate came from your dad so you share the name but he shared it is the same as it came from him? You didn't have a completely different surname to your dad? So it came from him to show you're part of his family?

tilder · 17/07/2020 21:32

The woman taking a mans name is a mark of ownership. Same with the kids. The name is all part of the women and children being his property. Misogyny is a gift that keeps on giving.

However, it's your name. You shouldn't have to change it for any body. Unless you choose to.

Sounds like she has a few issues with being no2. Her problem. Not yours.

ZoeCM · 17/07/2020 21:46

Thanks for answering, @IceCreamSummer20.

bluebluezoo · 17/07/2020 22:02

*Chuly
I know of a situation where

Ex wife kept married name.

New wife-to-be refused to take the 'married' name because ex wife still had it.

Bloke refused to marry new wife-to-be unless she took his name.

Result? Bloke changed his name to his mums maiden name, and new wife took that one*

Surely it would have been far simpler for him to have taken her name? Rather than both of them have to change name?

Smacks of seeing his wife as property tbh. Has to have his name, like a label.

Wallywobbles · 17/07/2020 22:07

DH added mine so he didn't have the same name as his exw.

Wallywobbles · 17/07/2020 22:07

DH added mine so he didn't have the same name as his exw.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 17/07/2020 22:26

@Aerial2020

Where do they orginate from then?
Women.
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/07/2020 22:35

You should refer to yourself as the the First Mrs Xxxxx and her as the Present Mrs Xxxxx Grin

Chuly · 17/07/2020 22:36

@bluebluezoo

*Chuly I know of a situation where

Ex wife kept married name.

New wife-to-be refused to take the 'married' name because ex wife still had it.

Bloke refused to marry new wife-to-be unless she took his name.

Result? Bloke changed his name to his mums maiden name, and new wife took that one*

Surely it would have been far simpler for him to have taken her name? Rather than both of them have to change name?

Smacks of seeing his wife as property tbh. Has to have his name, like a label.

Absolutely, but as I say, he wouldn't even accept his new wife keeping her own name. He specifically wanted her to take his name, even if that meant changing his completely. Taking hers was not an option.
disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 17/07/2020 22:42

It's all complete bollox !

I am the THIRD MrsSecretSquirrel... , no 2. Hanged her name when she remarried but number one remains.. I give not a fuck..

The new one needs to get over herself !!

giantangryrooster · 17/07/2020 22:51

Wouldn't it be much easier if your ex-husband changed his name every time he gets married? Then all ex-wives would share name with their dc and he could be Mr. Jones-Harrington-Guilded-Serialmonogamy adding a new name with every marriage.

Onemansoapopera · 17/07/2020 22:52

I kept exh name though it drove his soon to be next exw mad. Really didn't give a shit. My name is same as DD'S and when I remarried I double barreled DH'S name onto mine , he's not arsed

Sugartitties · 17/07/2020 23:11

honestly, i think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad.

i only use my married name for kids schools. my children want to take my maiden name and likely will change it by deed pole.

Aerial2020 · 17/07/2020 23:23

Sad?
Oh that's a new one.
So it's now it's either an excuse , hidden agenda and /or sad.
Every woman has her own reasons. No one has to explain why.

copperoliver · 17/07/2020 23:34

You should not have to explain to anyone why you want to keep your surname. I agree with you it's nicer for your children and he was your husband.
If she doesn't like it tell her to get stuffed and if she doesn't like used goods don't have them. X

Shizzlestix · 17/07/2020 23:34

honestly, i think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad.

Or doesn’t want all the rigmarole of explaining why her dc have a different name when travelling/at school/signing them up for anything? I think it”s really sensible and also a connection legally and logistically to your dc.

Recoverandthrive · 17/07/2020 23:54

None of her business at all. She sounds like hard work..

BumbleBeee69 · 18/07/2020 00:45

honestly, i think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad.

i only use my married name for kids schools

So you've contradicted yourself already.. how does that work then Confused ?

FizzyGreenWater · 18/07/2020 00:49

honestly, I think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad

It’s not ‘the married name’ - it’s just her name and her kids name since they’ve been born. You could argue since she’s the one who gave birth to and is now raising and lives with most of the people using the family name, it’s more hers really and maybe he should piss off and find a new one, wanker, it’s not even his, just his dad’s name!

Also, learn to spell deed poll.