Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

[FieryChilli]

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

I kept my XH’s name because of DC and we married young so it is my professional name. I also still call myself Mrs, not Ms or Miss. Is that a bit odd? I’ve honestly no idea!

I find the debate around names fascinating.
When I married my DH took my name, which was my mother's maiden name and I was the only one in my family of child baring age who had the family name. So if I had changed my name my surname would have ended, and it was reasonably rare name.
It was also influenced by the fact my DH family were abusive when he was a child and he has periods of NC with both sides, whereas in his words my family took him in, treated him as their own and he became another son. So he also wanted to continue my families name and become part of our family. I'm not particularly sentimental but I knew how much it meant to my family and they actually cried when my DH told them he was taking our family name.

OP you could tell your ex that you will change your name.. IF you can also change the children's name to match yours. I highly doubt he would want the children's name to be different so you would catch him out on that one.

@copperoliver - I never said that the kids care about it.
You said I agree with you it's nicer for your children which strongly suggests they care about it.

It's different if you re marry or wasn't married in the first place.

This I really can't fathom at all. If you re-marry and change your name again, that has a high likelihood of making your children feel different or left out. Mother, step father and potentially half siblings all have one name while children from previous relationships have a different surname. There goes the excuse of changing name on marriage so you have the same name as kids.

[quote bluebluezoo]@SoVeryLost

Again, that’s a PR issue, not a surname issue though.

You’d need a letter from the child’s father to prove permission to travel even if your surname is the same as your childs.[/quote]
No it’s really not. My father has never had PR.

No it’s really not. My father has never had PR

In which case you don’t need a letter from him, and him knowing is irrelevant.

Birth cert is enough to prove the child is yours.

My mum was widowed. How is she supposed to produce a letter every time we went abroad?

@timeisnotaline - Moral: don’t traffic children and travel with a letter if your name is different from dc.

It's got nothing to do with names and everything to do with traveling without the other parent. My dh was questioned once when travelling alone with one of the kids. They have the same surname. I was questioned once when traveling alone with the kids. We have different surnames.

I must admit if someone was hanging onto their married name after divorce, I would probably assume that they had been the one broken up with & perhaps not over it, or that they must not like their original name.

@SoVeryLost - No it’s really not. My father has never had PR.

Yes it is. I quoted from a number of official sites earlier (Irish, US, and EU), all of which stated that it was necessary if a parent was travelling alone regardless of names. If the other parent is dead, not around etc, I assume a notorised letter to that effect would work.

i remember the tina turner bio when ike took her to court over use of his name-said it was his families name and she shouldnt have it

she got the name and the rest is history-plus he was a dirty rapist so served him right

‘“I must admit if someone was hanging onto their married name after divorce, I would probably assume that they had been the one broken up with & perhaps not over it, or that they must not like their original name.”

That’s an extraordinary assumption to my mind! How am I ‘hanging on’ to my own name? If anything I would take it that someone who went through the hassle of changing their name back wanted to obliterate the marriage from their lives.

God I love Tina Turner 💕

@bluebluezoo

No it’s really not. My father has never had PR

In which case you don’t need a letter from him, and him knowing is irrelevant.

Birth cert is enough to prove the child is yours.

My mum was widowed. How is she supposed to produce a letter every time we went abroad?

Like I said we didn’t share a surname. My mum had the same thoughts as you. Some countries don’t care about PR, and give equal rights to dads regardless of PR.

I totally get it, it's your name now and you want to have the same name as your dc.

My advice to anyone getting married? Keep your surname! If you want to have the same name as your husband, he can take yours.
I'm a hopeless romantic but look at the plain facts, almost half of all marriages end in divorce and the vast majority of dc live mostly with their mum.

You have your children’s name not your ex husbands. Ignore her.

It sounds like she has some strange issues with you especially if she still has her ex husband's name.
Good luck to him I think he will need it. This is just the start of odd demands.
As a previous poster said, it's your children's name you share not his.

I know someone who was Miss A, she became Mrs B, then divorced stayed as Mrs B. Had a child with Mr C and named their son after him. They then split up so she asked Mr C if the child could have her surname ( Mr B's) he agreed. Later she married Mr D and took his name! Therefore her child has her first husband's name and he is no relation whatsoever! Crazy!!
Personally I like the Spanish way, double barreled parents' names which everyone keeps, then when a couple have children the children take the last part of each parents' names which they keep forever.

Obla that's not exactly correct. We take our father's (first) surname plus our mothers (first) surname

So for example

Jose Fernandez Sánchez and Carmen Hernández Aguilar have a son and a daughter.

The boy would be Diego Fernandez Hernández and the girl Maria Fernandez Hernandez.

The boy later has a child with Srta Dominguez Perez. That baby would be Joaquin Fernandez Dominguez.

Maria has a baby with Sr. Camacho Gutierrez
Their baby will be Juana Camacho Fernandez.

So as you can see, cousins will share surnames which gives a nice feeling of belonging/identity.

@ Oblahdeeoblahdoe
The point I was trying to make is that the op should change her name If that is what she wants eg. Getting remarried, she should not have to change her name for anybody else including what the new wife thinks.

@TigerDater

God I love Tina Turner 💕

Me too tiger what a woman

What a woman, what a performer, what a survivor 🥰

My best friend has 2 children, both have different surnames to her and each other because she's been married 3 times and had a child with each of her first 2 husbands.

It's entirely your decision. But I can't see why anybody would even want to keep the name of an ex.

Suggest he changes his name to hers and grin. Suggest you are Mrs Whatever I and she is Mrs Whatever II. Suggest she is referred to as the 'current Mrs Whatever'. Say no problem and send over all the deed poll info to make DC the same as yours.

I have a relative with a by marriage very unusual name (only two people on Facebook for eg) exh went on to remarry after twenty or so years and wife number two has the same first name as relative! So now ex wife and new wife have exactly the same name (and random lady on Facebook). Exh insisted she change her name but she refused.

Or-

Agree to change your name.

Then say you're taking your children's surname instead.