Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

Yeah it sounds like he's projecting his guilt. He either is, or has been, cheating and this makes it "fair" in his warped way. It's like he's convinced himself that you've cheated in order to make himself feel vindicated, but then believed his batshit story so much he's now punishing you.
He is clearly deranged. I had 4 inductions and saw a lot of doctors, about 30% were male. My husband only commented once to say that he felt very bad for me that one man's hands looked so big, so he held my hand tighter.
Maybe as an example of how far from cheating/sexual it was, put your husband under an LED lamp, clamp his dick still and get a female friend to shove a straw up it and wiggle it around. Then ask him if he'd enjoyed the sexual experience.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you haven't been able to grieve.

I'm so glad that I started this thread because it made me realise that I am being abused. I don't know how I could not see it over the years and specially recently it's just beyond me. I let myself down for putting up with it.
But realising it is the first step to change it, and you have all opened my eyes, thank you I'm so grateful.
Looking back at all the fucked up things he said to me that I can't even get myself to write them, it's just so sad.
I am taking some time to process my situation it's certainly not easy to find my way out but I will.

@mummy20169, don't blame yourself. Abusers are very cunning and manipulative. Keep talking to us. There are women on Mumsnet who have been where you are now and can help and advise you. I can only imagine how devastating it must be to realize that your partner is an abusive jerk

You and your child deserve better. But you haven't done anything wrong.

You've made the hardest first step and you won't go back from that.

Next steps are to visit a solicitor on your own to take some professional advice. They may want you to bring in certain documents or find out specific financial information. It might feel overwhelming but they will guide you through it.

Do all you can to find a permanent job.

I would strongly advise you to seek counselling just for you. You've lived with an abusive man for a long time. You said you can't even bear to write some of things down here so speaking to someone confidently will help you make sense of it all and you will become stronger from it.

Lastly OP start mumsnet threads as often as you want and on any minute specific worry or query. The people who use MN have a wealth of knowledge that you can access 24/7 and for free. Women here have been through the same thing and will understand. But there are also family lawyers here and women who have been divorced with partners who 'won't leave the house'. They can advise you from their own experiences.

You can do this and you will be happier for it.

Hope you’re doing ok today.

He doesn’t want you to leave not because he loves you but because it would take him time and energy to find another victim

Not to mention that men like this think they own "their" women.

What a terrible story OP. Your DH sounds possibly unwell or with some deep rooted issues but if he is not willing to address them in any way you have no choice but to get yourself and your son to somewhere safe you can live your life away from your husband's toxicity.

If you have any weak moments where you consider staying etc think of your son. Think of his life brought up in the same household as this man and what that will do to him. I know in dark moments it's my children that guide me. You both deserve happiness and freedom from your husband. Good luck.

You got together with him very young op (and have no other relationship experience), it's v easy for things like this to happen in those circumstances.

It's called grief. Anger is a secondary emotion, and when you pull it back, there's a nonsensical reason. Pull that back, you usually find grief. Grief hits the limbic system, which controls emotions. Neocortex does rational thought, and the limbic system basically controls that.

I wouldn't take it at face value. Phone MIND, get him signposted to a proper service. You've both lost a baby, it is farcical to believe he would go 'oh, ok' and not have a reaction. Just because his reaction isn't healthy and weird, doesn't mean it is without reason or he's abusive and you should LTB. That decision happens if he refuses to go.

DirectTalker, why on earth should the OP coddle her abuser because he might have a MH problem or be a bit sad? If he needs professional help, he can pull his finger out and do it himself, as he is an adult. Why should the OP take his shit and still put herself out to help him?

You have done amazing by realising what is happening. You met when you were young and have nothing to compare this relationship with. Abusers are charming and can be ‘the perfect’ husband/dad when it suits them. This leaves their partner confused and questioning themselves.
Please put plans in place to leave, you and your son deserve much better than this. You will get a lot of support on here, also I would recommend speaking to an abuse charity or woman’s charity. Perhaps even your doctor. Leaving can be hard but with support it’s the best thing you can do.

@funnylittlefloozie because that's the reasonable and human response, to help others. If someone is an alcoholic, and you DON'T acknowledge or attempt to resolve that problem with them as their partner - it doesn't reflect well if you subsequently go through legal avenues... Which is what happens when you LTB.

His behaviour is disgusting. I don’t think you can recover from this. If he doesn’t want to leave the house, he needs to buy you out. Please see a solicitor.

I'm in shock, what a psycho! Sorry but this is not normal. Cheating because you had a medical procedure? He's trying to make you feel bad about something you had to have done whilst going through what I'm sure was a horrific time. This is horrible behaviour. The gender of the person would not have even come into your head when going through something like that. You need time to grieve the loss properly and not have someone make you feel guilty about it. Must be so awful for you. Tell him he's being ridiculous.

He sounds awful OP.

My DH literally had to sit back and watch another man get me pregnant, because he couldn’t alone. We had IVF and my consultant was a man. Very respected in his field and just utterly brilliant. My DH watched as my consultant implanted the embryos into me. Whilst doing so, they had a lovely civilised chat about their jobs.

Your DH clearly has major jealousy issues.

Ignore the 'direct' talking bloke above, he has form on this board for giving advice to women to stay with abusive men.

You what? i can't believe what I hearing. Surely he must be from another culture, a very backwards one because I cannot believe anyone would accuse you of having sexual feeling for your gynaecologist around an extopic pregnancy that is the most ridiculous thing I have every heard.
I'd dump him and look for a sensible husband with half a brain.

DirectTalker as the widow of an alcoholic can I just say that your comparison is so wrong-headed as to be ludicrous! The only thing the partner of an alcoholic can do is look after themselves. Yes, they can support their partner - but it is not in their power to resolve their partner's issues. Same with OP's husband - his issues are not for her to sort, they are for him. All she can do is tell him he needs to see his GP and get support for his mental health problems and his unhealthy beliefs. You are advising OP to make herself responsible for her husband's problems and that is poor advice.

DirectTalker The op is not a counsellor. It is not up to the op to fix anyone.

The op gets one life and maybe she doesn't want to waste it trying to fix someone or wait around till he has been persuaded to go into therapy and fixed himself and even then it is not as if she can’t unhear what he has said or what he has put her through.

People need to stop being other people’s fixers and if that is more LTB then so be it.

Dp has cancer. I stay because even with cancer we get on and his personality hasn’t changed.
If he started to be a complete dick and made my life miserable then despite 40 years together either he would be gone or I would.

Life is too precious to waste it on people who make you unhappy

Why do people think that anyone can be a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist and yet no one expects everyone to be a doctor? (Yes, I know psychiatrists are doctors.)

Unless you are qualified you are not a counsellor and are therefore unable to get someone else through their psychological problems, whatever they are.

There is a limit to how far you should subsume your life into your partner's in order to support them too.

Your life is your life.
Your partner's life is your partner's life
You cannot fix him.

"As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared."

This is classic Borderline Personalilty Disorder behaviour - the fear of abandonment followed by the "hoovering" you back by good behaviour when he thinks you might actually leave. This is a yo-yo cycle that will not end.

Just to clarify

Just because his reaction isn't healthy and weird, doesn't mean it is without reason or he's abusive and you should LTB. That decision happens if he refuses to go.

I am not advocating she stays with an abusive individual. The alcoholic analogy is saying, if he isn't aware he is ill, then he won't seek treatment. On the contrary, I'm saying she should be giving an ultimatum.

He is manipulative and controlling. He does not have a mental illness.

Mummy20169 - this is a truly upsetting situation for you. He is making this all about himself and not considering your feelings at all. I never normally post, but I wanted to share with you that my ex H was had similar issues about me seeing male medical staff to your H. He wouldn't "allow" me to see male doctors all our marriage, except for during pregnancy. I think he accepted there was no choice if he wanted a healthy baby, as I had a lot of issues. He used to create a real fuss and ban me from going to our male GP - he would check when I made an appointment if it involved me getting my clothes off in any way, so I just lied and said the doctor was female, even if it wasn't true. At the end of our relationship I found a breast lump and never told him I had one or was going to the breast clinic to get it checked out, because I knew he would make such a fuss. It was very sad to sit in the clinic on my own when everyone else had a partner to support them. This was part of a pattern of emotionally abusive behaviour which included not allowing me to wear certain clothes in case I revealed parts of my body, checking I didn't sit near men at work, telling me I wasn't allowed to go to exercise classes that had men in them, trying to isolate me from family and friends, making a fuss when I went out with friends and left him at home, gaslighting, putting me down, saying nasty things to me and ignoring me when I did things he didn't like or that I wasn't "allowed" to do and the list goes on....He always thought that other men fancied me and called them my "boyfriends" in front of the children. It crept into the relationship slowly and gradually escalated.He started to say some very worrying things and I left with both kids one day and never went back. I'd had enough and was scared. I am now happily living on my own away from all the EA and very happy. Your H's behaviour is really not OK. I am pretty certain that mine wasn't having an affair but it turns out he was very into voyeurism, so he was projecting his desires about women onto the other men who I was coming into contact with, e.g. a doctor can't examine a woman without having illicit thoughts because my exH wouldn't be able to do it himself. It is all about control and the way some men think about women. I hope that you manage to sort this out. I found sessions with a counsellor very helpful and I also went on a local domestic abuse course to help me learn about what was happening in my relationship and give me the strength to leave when I felt ready. I also found keeping a secret diary helpful, so I could look at the things he had said and done and not push them out of my mind. It proved very helpful in court too!