Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

I'm going to assume that this is not a cultural issue, but correct me if I'm wrong.

1. He's cheating himself
2. He's always been controlling but only now you've realised it.
3. He's suffering after the loss of your baby and this is how he's projecting.

My money's on 1

He needs sectioned.. after you divorce his unstable arse...

what a dangerous man you are married too....

oh and I agree with everyone on here who suggested he's playing away.. he's definitely not being faithful to you...

get rid of him.. TODAY

He's a fucking arsehole. Would he accept you making his life hell if he had a woman examining him? Get him out of the house or go and stay with someone yourself, i think you could do with some breathing space.

I have heard some things in my career as a counsellor but this is beyond bizarre/worrying.
He needs to speak to a mental health professional and you need to think about the person you are in a relationship with.
You were in hospital, if the choice had been just down to him Would he have let you die. To sexualise a medical procedure in this way and to this extent, really is shouting that he needs help.
Please do not engage in any discussion around this topic, unless he agrees to go for help. By trying to appease him you are silently agreeing with him.
This is not a safe relationship for you and I would think about leaving and getting counselling for yourself. You say it isn’t an option but perhaps you can go through your gp especially as you have suffered an ectopic pregnancy.

There are a few things going on here.

Your Husband is being CRUEL and ABUSIVE. To treat your spouse with contempt and spite, and to withhold affection and refuse to talk about it, is abuse. Be in no doubt. This is without even factoring in the ridiculousness of the situation, your complete innocence and the awful circumstances in which this happened. This is unforgivable. Or at least damn close to being unforgivable - the exception would be if he agreed to counselling and recognised and apologised for this behaviour and nothing like it was ever repeated.

Your Husband is quite possibly cheating. And he is using his 'disgust' at this incident to distance himself from you.

Your husband has shown signs of controlling behaviour in the past (jealous/possessive) etc. This is almost certainly 'who and what he is'. It's just found a way to manifest.

I would suggest that you seriously think about leaving this man. You will not find happiness in that home.

Even if it were a cultural thing; so what, dies it make it ok.

Abuse of females and children is acceptable in certain cultures .. dies that mean we should let it happen/accept it?

And the quote above shows exactly what the thinking is behind it is wife/woman is a possession.

What a vile human being your husband is. Who on earth in this world would think to accuse you of having some sort of pleasurable experience whilst you are losing your baby. It’s so despicable and has to be one of the most awful things I’ve read.

Does your husband understand at all that ectopic pregnancies can be life threatening!! Life threatening, it’s a serious medical situation and instead of worrying about you and your life or the fact that you were loosing your baby, your stupid insecure small minded husband is thinking that either your or indeed the doctor giving you the life saving care you needed somehow managed to have some sort of pleasurable sexual experience!!!!

This really is the lowest of the low and if that wasn’t bad enough he’s got you thinking YOU messed up!!! No love, the only person messed up here is your husband. So mentally messed up that if I were you my only action would be to LTB in a cloud of absolute disgust, and I tell you that B*ard wouldn’t see me for dust. That is how bad it is, what he’s said, what he’s done, what he’s suggesting, it really is THAT BAD!!!

I'm so sorry but I really do think he is being so utterly unreasonable that there is another reason for his behaviour. I do not for one second believe that a loving and intelligent husband honestly thinks his wife being treated by a male doctor - no matter how intimately - is a reason to be angry or upset.

No. He's using it as an excuse. So what is his real reason for behaving as he does? I think you know; people on this thread have told you.

Again, I'm so sorry

btw, in a way it doesn't matter what his reason is as his behaviour is so unreasonable and he is clearly lieing to you that I don't think there's much you can do but call it a day.

OP, you say you have a 4 yo child already. Were any male doctors involved in your ante or post natal care, or in your delivery of your first child? If so, how did he react then? This is bizarre and controlling and you need to question why you are with this man.

Where is he from?

That’s resort awful of him. He needs to get over it. It’s not your fault

In some countries, women must be seen by female doctors.

Funny, Ive been in an Islamic state and that wasnt the case.

Quick google gave me this, which I am NOT claiming is how all muslims feel and I know nothing about the reliability of the website - it's just to show that such attitudes do exist.

We have no way of knowing if ops dh is a fundamental Muslim. Even if he is that doesn't make this or anything else abusive he does to her excusable.

I always notice you consistently make 'interesting" posts - here it seems you're trying to make sure it's known that ops dh:s attitude could be routed in common cultural norms among certain groups .. even though we don't know if he belongs to such a group; and the fact he consented along with op to the examination had been somehow forgotten.

In a previous thread of mine, you were pretty much the only poster out of hundreds who didnt condemn people (in that case my ex male partner) who were trying to prevent their partners from socialising on their own. You seem to ambivalent about controlling behaviour.

@Happydinosaur53

I'm going to assume that this is not a cultural issue, but correct me if I'm wrong.

1. He's cheating himself
2. He's always been controlling but only now you've realised it.
3. He's suffering after the loss of your baby and this is how he's projecting.

My money's on 1

1. He's gay and now this is his excuse not to have anything to do with you.

Right you need to sit him down and tell him you love him but your no longer going to except this behaviour. He either sorts his head and and gets help or your away. You don’t deserve this it’s not ok.

Were any male doctors involved in your ante or post natal care, or in your delivery of your first child? If so, how did he react then?

I wondered that too.

They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed

Even without the subsequent absolute controlling nonsense about it being a male consultant : why is the husband agreeing or otherwise to the physical examination ? The only person who should be making this decision is the OP.

How on earth has he managed to sexualise you needing life-saving surgery and the loss of a baby? Seriously fucked up! Would he rather you'd died? He doesn't see you as a person in your own right, just a sex toy and domestic appliance that he owns and guards jealously. I'd be looking for your anger OP. He has majorly let you down.

He seems to view your body as his personal property.

I'm gobsmacked. Does OP's husband imagine that in the NHS, all female patients are treated/handled by female staff, and vice versa?

God help him if he ever needs a urine catheter or a colonoscopy.

OP, if your husband has any family in the UK, ask them to discuss this with him and explain that IN THIS COUNTRY its quite normal for gynaecology and breast surgeons to be male doctors who examine and treat female patients.

If you are social friends with married couples, ask the women and/ or their husbands to educate him.

I have known a couple of women from years ago, who had Husbands with this very same issue, as in,they did not ever wan't their partners to have any close medical treatment administered by a male doctor. The men had a deep seated belief that it was totally wrong for a male to see.and touch their wives.

Unfortunately, I don't know what happened in both these cases regarding their relationships,as if they broke up. or worked things out.

What the actual fuck?! A male doctor delivered my son.Hes fucking mental.

OP, if your husband has any family in the UK, ask them to discuss this with him and explain that IN THIS COUNTRY its quite normal for gynaecology and breast surgeons to be male doctors who examine and treat female patients.

So she does that, and then she'll.have to explain on an ongoing basis that not every man she's ever within five metres of "fancies her" and wants sex with her as well.

This is an (extreme)not a general psychosis, not a one off.

Plus if he were to genuinely be convinced this is wrong; why did he agree to the examination on the first place and why hasn't he complained to the hospital?

I'll tell you why; because he knows it would him look like a madman and he'd get nowhere with it ... But he's happy to act like a madman at home and use it as an emotional stick to best op with.