Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

*beat op with

Op not been back ?

This is one of the most disturbing things I have ever read on here.

This man is not someone you should want to remain married to.

He is literally punishing and shaming you for having medical treatment following a miscarriage.

This is not a one off, you said he is jealous and thinks everyone fancies you. That is a possessive and unhealthy mindset.

He is NOT "generally a good husband". You say he is that due to being "intelligent" and because he "used to be loving". Plenty of arseholes are intelligent and he is not loving now, and wasn't when you were going through the trauma of a miscarriage.

Please leave him, this is so unsettling and disturbing I could cry for you

So where has op gone?

Op are you ok x

Sounds like it could be a cultural difference to me, that's incredibly young to get together (16&19) the only people I know who routinely do this are Asian. Would explain the extreme reaction to the male dr.

@okiedokiemei. I completely agree.

A cultural "difference" that is underpinned by the belief that women are property, not to be touched by a male even for a medical procedure ... and resulting in abuse.

Wow. I did not expect a massive response like this! Only took my boy to the park and there are 100 messages. I am truly thankful for all your support.
Just to answer few questions that have popped up so far:

He is not from a different culture nor is he religious. We are both from centraI Europe and l do not consider our culture to be any different to the UK. I do not know where this has come from and I am truly as gobsmacked as you are.

I never supsected him of cheating but maybe you are right in saying that he is the one that's cheating. I do not know and I guess I don't really care anymore.

There was no male doctors involved first time round, not intentionally, it just happened that all drs involved were female.

I talked to him about getting divorced and I know he will try his hardest to make it very difficult for me. He said that he will not leave the house, if I want to go I can go but this is his house. We own it together so I would have to fight for it or just rent something in the meantime.

I am financially independent but need to find permanent job first as my contract expires in October. I have savings but it would be stressful to live off savings with no job on the horizon. So before I leave I need to get a new job, but that's fine.

I talked about this issue to his brother (to get a male prspective on this) and he could not believe it. He had a serious chat with him after that but that didn't change anything. I do not want to burden him with my problems as his wife suffered a miscarriage around the same time as my EP ans she is pregnant again now. He was absolutley digusted by his behaviour.
I know he (my husband) talked to his mum about it very early on, she told him that he was deluded and that probably didn't help. I did not say anything to my side of the family as I just feel embarassed and they live far away so will just worry that they won't be able to do much to help.
Spoke to my friend, she is very supportive and was absolutely gobsmacked. He then suspected that I told her and refused to see her ever again (he never tried to stop me from seeing her though and even if he tried, he would not succeed)

So life will be hard on my own specially thatI do not have a family close by. But I think it will be even harder to stay. I know in my mind that I can't forgive him. I just feel bad abandoning him when I know he clearly has a mental issue.

I had to write this post because this situation is so ridiculous that it made me doubt my own sanity.

re the cultural thing - that may be an aspect but Ive lived in lots of places and know plenty of people from african/middle eastern/Indian backgrounds. None of them would have an issue with make doctors I dont think, so if it is a cultural thing its culture+him being an arsehole/severe mental health crisis

sorry for the cross post. It seems like culture isn't an issue. It also seems from the way his family has reacted that his upbringing isnt the reason either.

@hellsbellsmelons

he is intelligent No he is NOT!!! He has no intelligence at all if the thinks having a medical procedure, performed by a qualified professional is cheating. This is bad OP. In many many ways. Do you have family you could talk to about this? Basically this is over. He's never going to think rationally about it so it's time get out before he ruins you completely. Don't accept this shitty, truly poor behaviour. Do you have somewhere you could go for a while? You need some space away from his paranoia and frankly, insane-ness!!! I's so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry your DH is such a cunt. But I think you know what you need to do!

^ This

@okiedokieme we did get together quite young, nothing to do with culture. We were genuinely in love and the relationship was really good.

I just feel bad abandoning him when I know he clearly has a mental issue.

If it helps you to think of it this way - you either stay because he has a mental health issue or you leave because one person's mental health does not trump another and he is making you upset, depressed and anxious which all adds up to your son not having either parent healthy and happy.

Your boy deserves at least one happy, healthy parent and you cannot be that (through no fault of your own) while remaining in a relationship with someone who is so deluded and to be honest hates women. Even if he doesn't think he does. He hates you for "letting" a male medical professional treat you when you were going through one of the most traumatic experiences a woman can go through.

You must have been so low, so sad, so vulnerable then. Was he there for you? No. He punished you, he was angry with you. Do not prioritise him because he certainly didn't prioritise you.

My friend left a partner who had schizophrenia. She felt so, so guilty. And I understand her feeling that way. But that guilt was worth it for her to ensure her children were safe and being raised in a stable, healthy environment where healthy behaviour was modelled.

You staying with him would be almost validating that he is being in any way reasonable, because the things he is thinking and saying are so far removed from acceptable that you absolutely should not be with him.

Please prioritise you and and your boy

@blackcat86

He's ridiculous. I would be livid if I was you and I hope that you make your disgust known. He has sexualised your ectopic pregnancy and pregnancy loss, he thinks you cheated because you let a male doctor examine you (is he suggesting you enjoyed this?), he is now using this to emotionally abuse and blame you. Sorry but that is a red card situation for me. If he felt so strongly that the examination was becoming sexual then why didn't he come to your aid whilst you were vulnerable? If doesn't sound like he's supported you at all. Instead he has stropped, sulked and made it all about him!! What an awful man. At the very least he needs to move out to work on himself and give you space until such time as he act like a normal human being if he ever does. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

That.

OP I'm glad you are seriously thinking about and mentally making plans to leave him. How he is acting is shocking and disgusting. I hope you get out ok, you'll feel so much better away from this controlling jealousy even if it will be hard at first.

OP can you speak to a solicitor and find out what you need to do to force a sale on the house so you then have money to buy or rent something decent.

Stop feeling sorry for him his behaviour is scummy. Take care of yourself and your little boy.

And thank you for clarifying you’re not Muslim. Apparently a lot of posters on here had no idea that non Muslim people marry young and have children and that plenty of men of all cultures religions and colour are abusive shits.

Doctors, pills, counselling. My friend's husband became obsessed with how many people she'd slept with, accused her of cheating etc. It sent him off the rails. He needed meds, not counselling, because he knew she wasn't cheating and the number of men shed slept with in the past hadn't bothered him before.

Wow. I did not expect a massive response like this!
It just shows how fucking outraged we all are on your behalf OP.

I'm glad you have a plan to get away.
If the house is in both your names and he won't leave you will have to force a sale via the courts.
Unless he can afford to buy you out of your half and can take on the mortgage on his own??
But do not let that stop you escaping this madness.
Sod his mental health.
What about yours and your DC???
Put yourself and your DC before your deluded, abusive, nasty husband.
Get your exit plan together and get some happiness.

Doctors, pills, counselling. My friend's husband became obsessed with how many people she'd slept with, accused her of cheating etc.

He's always been extremely jealous/possessive; read the op. He "thinks every man fancies me".

He's probably get first sexual partner so he never had to think about previous partners.

Op didn't have to deal with any male medical staff before so it didn't crop up last time.

It's very unlikely to be mental health problem onsetting recently.

He's like this, he's pathologically jealous and possessive, nothing really changed Jen like this.

Don't set op up for more of this abuse, and making excuses for his behaviour.

*her first

*nothing really changes men like this

What a strange reaction to a Dr examining you.

I believe he’s deflecting 🤔

I'm glad you're thinking of leaving - take your time and make solid plans. You will probably end up having to force the sale of the house, but it absolutely is not his alone. You have ample grounds for divorce here - his behaviour is so far beyond the unreasonable it isn't even funny.

It sounds very odd. And your husband's relatives seem surprised at him.

Do you think he is becoming unwell and delusional?