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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this really happening?? Help!!

199 replies

mummy20169 · 16/07/2020 10:44

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
JaaniGoGo · 16/07/2020 12:31

@AnyFucker

He is fucking around himself. I would bet my house on it.
He definitely is
Veganforlife · 16/07/2020 12:31

Don’t show him this thread ..your relationship sounds abusive,do you need advice to To help you leave?

CuppaZa · 16/07/2020 12:35

Your husband has made me so fucking angry

I know this is no help to you at all right now, but I could not, under any circumstances stay married to someone like that. He has no care, love or empathy and is quite frankly a raving lunatic with severe possessiveness and controlling behaviour.

You need love and support. Not punishment

Annasgirl · 16/07/2020 12:40

Oh dear OP, you really need to plan to leave this man - can you leave now? Do you have a safe place to go? This is not normal behaviour. Somewhere along the line you have been conditioned to think his behaviour is normal, it is not. He has major personality issues and you will not change them. You and your child deserve better.

Please find a place to go with your son and you can heal safely. DO NOT have counselling with him, no one should have counselling with an abuser and your DH is emotionally abusing you. However, you need counselling for you. Please get access to this as soon as you can. Keep posting and ask for any specific advice you need here.

SoulofanAggron · 16/07/2020 12:40

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

You know you didn't do anything wrong, all you did was have a medical examination. He's not right in the head, and completely self adsorbed. Sad xxx

Puffalicious · 16/07/2020 12:46

Listen to everyone on here- he is an absolute cunt. I don't use that word lightly. Get OUT.

NotStayingIn · 16/07/2020 12:47

This is one of the weirdest things I've read on here for a while.

I hope you are OK. Do you have friends you could confide in? I do wonder whether you will now start to realise that more of his behaviour is actually very controlling and bizarre.

I really hope you realise how wrong he is, and how worrying this is. You deserve so much better then being with someone who is this messed up.

perfumeistooexpensive · 16/07/2020 12:49

There's something v v wrong with him. I've a feeling that this behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg. It's clear that you can't move on from whatever is going on. You'll have to leave him.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/07/2020 12:52

The' best' scenario here is that the stress of ttc and then the ectopic has brought out a severe and thought distorting anxiety illness for which he needs treatment.
If he doesn't recognise how bad his behaviour is and apologise and seek help I don't think he is fulfilling his role and commitment to you and to your family.
I agree that there is a chance he has been unfaithful; OP what a nightmare for you. I am so sorry.

JoysOfString · 16/07/2020 12:56

So sorry for all you've been through OP, this is awful.

I agree with Anyfucker - this screams cherchez la femme to me. He's jealous and possessive - which means he's insecure and likely to cheat to boost his ego. Cheating gets more likely when you have DC and/or are pregnant. His reaction and "might never get over it" line is a way to blame you for if and when he gets found out or decides to run off with OW. Plus but the sudden change in him and not wanting to go near you. All very like situations I have seen in couples when the man was cheating.

Of course it's just one possibility and there could be other explanations, but I think you need to get to the bottom of this possibility.

Nousernameforme · 16/07/2020 12:58

I do wonder if he has transferred the trauma of losing the baby and seeing you in a vulnerable state into being angry about this as it is an emotion he can cope with.

However that is bloody useless if he won't get help to understand and process properly. I don't think there is any saving the marriage if he won't. You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to live like this.

AltheaVestr1t · 16/07/2020 12:58

The glaring implication here is that he considers his right to be the sole proprietor of your body to be more important than your right to necessary medical care. Even if he never puts a step wrong for the whole of the rest of his life, he has made it very clear that in his eyes, you are not a human being with needs and rights of your own, you are not an equal partner, you are his property and he owns you. Can you consider living the rest of your life with him knowing that this is the case?

Esspee · 16/07/2020 12:59

First thing that crossed my mind is that this is a cultural thing.

Esspee · 16/07/2020 13:00

I would leave him.

Nanalisa60 · 16/07/2020 13:00

Is your husband from a different culture? Maybe men that were not bought up in the U.K. have different views on male doctors? I know in some Muslim country’s that women only see women doctors.

The best consultant In the country is professor Robert Winston.p

If he is bought up in the U.K. I think it sounds very strange!!

Getagripffs · 16/07/2020 13:01

The glaring implication here is that he considers his right to be the sole proprietor of your body to be more important than your right to necessary medical care. Even if he never puts a step wrong for the whole of the rest of his life, he has made it very clear that in his eyes, you are not a human being with needs and rights of your own, you are not an equal partner, you are his property and he owns you. Can you consider living the rest of your life with him knowing that this is the case?

This.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 16/07/2020 13:02

I’m furious on your behalf. I’m sorry OP. You should leave him because he’s an abusive scumbag.

Standrewsschool · 16/07/2020 13:05

Is he projecting his fears and worries about the pregnancy onto the physical examination? Alternatively, is he from a strong religious background? Or Are you his only sexual partner (or vice versa) and he fears the examination has violated this?

Whatever the reason, what he said was awful. You’ve done nothing wrong. He is sexualising a medical procedure.

If he unwilling to talk it through, explain his reasoning, get counselling etc, then I’m afraid it’s over. He is unwilling to trust you (although you haven’t done anything untrustworthy).

You have not messed up. He is being unreasonable.

Argggghhneedclarity · 16/07/2020 13:06

I'd leave him. What a bizarre way to treat you.

MitziK · 16/07/2020 13:06

@Nanalisa60

Is your husband from a different culture? Maybe men that were not bought up in the U.K. have different views on male doctors? I know in some Muslim country’s that women only see women doctors.

The best consultant In the country is professor Robert Winston.p

If he is bought up in the U.K. I think it sounds very strange!!

If that were truly the case, then there would be no Male Muslim Gynaecologists, as it wouldn't be allowed.

Just tell the idiot to leave. He's not worth staying married to.

Cam2020 · 16/07/2020 13:08

WTF? Not only do you lose a baby with an ectopic pregnancy, they are a danger to the mother's life and he's upset you were treated by a male Dr?

I don't know about the cheating/projection possibility that other posters have raised, but I'd say without a doubt he sees you as his property. To me this demonstrates little care or concern for you as a person - in his eyes you belong to him and someone else has touched his prize possession. To me, that is enough to end a relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 16/07/2020 13:11

First thing that crossed my mind is that this is a cultural thing.

Even if it were, it's still unacceptable and abusive.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/07/2020 13:12

2 things strike me:

1- he’s cheating
2- I doubt this was his first example of jealousy, maybe you just didn’t notice it over the years

GilbertMarkham · 16/07/2020 13:17

If that were truly the case, then there would be no Male Muslim Gynaecologists, as it wouldn't be allowed.

Exactly.

Incidentally I went to a medical clinic in Qatar, which had separate entrances/exits and waiting areas for men and women .. some of the older women were wearing burquas and gloves to cover themselves completely (not common among younger women), when I was seen (just spoken to) about a gynae issue; ironically it was a young male doctor.

You simply can't dictate that only females fill every gynae/obstetrics role in the world, just on practical terms - aside from anything else.

Bit the idea that you should is ridiculous anyway.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2020 13:20

"If that were truly the case, then there would be no Male Muslim Gynaecologists, as it wouldn't be allowed."

In some countries, women must be seen by female doctors.

Quick google gave me this, which I am NOT claiming is how all muslims feel and I know nothing about the reliability of the website - it's just to show that such attitudes do exist.

"for a husband to agree to a male doctor to check his wife while there is a female doctor who can do so, then this is a sin, and an act of procurement (pandering)."

A doctor friend of mine got a telling off from a husband for addressing his wife directly during a medical appointment...

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