Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

I cannot believe what I am reading. How dare he treat you like that?? What a vile little man.

Just to clarify, when he says he is more affected by this experience than I am, what he means by "experience" is the examination, not the loss of pregnancy.

It's like the fact that we lost a baby is completely taken out of the equation.
I grieved on my own for months and I'm still very upset about it but my feelings are irrelevant to him.
He said that he supported me throughout by coming with me to all the appointments etc and I am being unreasonable saying that I didnt have enough support.
He really thinks I am a monster, he's always so negative about me.
As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

@mummy20169

Just to clarify, when he says he is more affected by this experience than I am, what he means by "experience" is the examination, not the loss of pregnancy.

It's like the fact that we lost a baby is completely taken out of the equation.
I grieved on my own for months and I'm still very upset about it but my feelings are irrelevant to him.
He said that he supported me throughout by coming with me to all the appointments etc and I am being unreasonable saying that I didnt have enough support.
He really thinks I am a monster, he's always so negative about me.
As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

Nah, he's not vulnerable, he just winds it in a bit when he thinks you might not put up with his abuse for much longer.

He likes having you there to abuse. That's all there is to it. He's enjoying himself and how awful you feel.

when he says he is more affected by this experience than I am, what he means by "experience" is the examination, not the loss of pregnancy.

He's batshit crazy, isn't he?

You'd lost a baby, had something happen to you that can be very serious, even life threatening .. and he disregards that and focuses on a medical examination deemed necessary by the consultant at the time, that you both agreed to.

As other posters have said, he has sexualised a medical examination and us completely fixated on it.

He was waking you up hours after you'd list your baby a d been through that to have a go at you about it, and to this day is still going in about it, how much it has upset him/affected him - not a word about the loss of the pregnancy or your feelings.

He's insane.

Even his relatives' opinions havent made him see a tap of sense.

You mentioned he thinks every man fancies you .. it sounds like you've been putting up with jealousy a d possessiveness for the entire relationship (?)

I bet if he wasn't your first partner, he'd be verbally/emotionally torturing you about that too.

He really thinks I am a monster, he's always so negative about me.

That's a hallmark of an abusive relationship to me.

Always making out their partner is terrible in one or more ways; even though they are a normal, harmless, ordinary person.
Always criticising their partner (generally over unreasonable stuff).

@mummy20169

Just to clarify, when he says he is more affected by this experience than I am, what he means by "experience" is the examination, not the loss of pregnancy.

It's like the fact that we lost a baby is completely taken out of the equation.
I grieved on my own for months and I'm still very upset about it but my feelings are irrelevant to him.
He said that he supported me throughout by coming with me to all the appointments etc and I am being unreasonable saying that I didnt have enough support.
He really thinks I am a monster, he's always so negative about me.
As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

I take back everything I said. RUN! Run fast and run far. He has you right where he wants you.

@GilbertMarkham

Even his relatives' opinions havent made him see a tap of sense.

You mentioned he thinks every man fancies you .. it sounds like you've been putting up with jealousy a d possessiveness for the entire relationship (?)

I bet if he wasn't your first partner, he'd be verbally/emotionally torturing you about that too.

100% agree

As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

Uh no! It means he not only does he see you as his property but you aren’t even human to him, you aren’t entitled to have wants, needs or feelings of your own. Only he is allowed have feelings.

I suggest you read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans.

And yes, make plans to leave, this won’t get better.

Sorry for your loss💐 Your strength of character is inspirational. Good luck!

As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared

@mummy20169 It's manipulation, designed to keep you hanging on/stop you leaving.

@mummy20169

Just to clarify, when he says he is more affected by this experience than I am, what he means by "experience" is the examination, not the loss of pregnancy.

It's like the fact that we lost a baby is completely taken out of the equation.
I grieved on my own for months and I'm still very upset about it but my feelings are irrelevant to him.
He said that he supported me throughout by coming with me to all the appointments etc and I am being unreasonable saying that I didnt have enough support.
He really thinks I am a monster, he's always so negative about me.
As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

This. Is. Not. Love.

Please leave this man, he is not in the mental space to be anything close to a healthy partner. His mental health issues will destroy your mental health and then your son will have no healthy parents to provide him with an appropriate environment versus having one (you) at the moment.

As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

Also this means he CAN control it.

He can choose when to be a "good" husband and dad (or more accurately when to act like one) which means he can also choose to be so selfish and cruel.

Bloody hell I don't know the man and I hate him.

He's unhinged, and there were signs before about him thinking every man fancies you and being jealous. I bet he's always tried to control your interactions with men. When you became a mother, was he happy to look after his DC while you went out for an evening with your friends?
I wonder if he's been a guy only too happy to go on about loyalty and morality, and in fact a stickler for it. Some men who take the high moral ground, then fall from grace ( ie cheat) turn it on their partners, because in their minds they were beyond reproach but still did something, so therefore, everyone else must be at it, because they were the best of mankind and still did it after all.
Btw, big risk factor of ectopic pregnancy is scaring caused by previous infections, such as Chlamydia. Hope you've not had PID - it would be one helluva way to find out he's no Saint after what you've been through. Either way, I'd guess he's scared of being found out as the reason for your ectopic.
Definitely an LTB situation, sorry.

Deranged & unhinged indeed

The fact he starts putting on a “good husband/dad” front when he has sensed you’ve had enough of his behaviour speaks to someone who is aware of their behaviour & has the ability to control it - they just choose not to.

We can’t diagnose but in terms of mental disorders, this sounds like the characteristics of a cluster B personality disorder. Eg paranoid personality disorder

I think you need to get as far away from this person as possible for your own mental health & sanity. It is beyond words, how he has turned the grief of an ectopic pregnancy into a cheating issue centred around himself.

Jealousy is such an unbecoming emotion. As you say he is the “jealous type” I suspect this may be the final nail on the coffin - you describe not really caring what he thinks & you must be overcome with such grief your mind has been able to effectively switch his drama off - because otherwise you would be at risk of having some nervous breakdown yourself, having to deal with pregnancy loss + defending yourself against these ludicrous cheating allegations.

It sounds like you’re so used to his jealousy issues that you’ve been able to effectively ignore/minimise this so you can keep existing day to day with him under the same roof.

It’s great you’re financially independent & able to rent a place elsewhere. I would recommend you read the threads “divorcing my sulking husband” here - in that case the husband ended up having to be sectioned when she left. I suspect yours will have a meltdown episode too. Due to him being so jealous & irrational it may be wise for you to seek out mental health services & how you can go about sectioning.

You need a paper trail about his mental health issues, I would be nervous if you left & he is jealous and may be vengeful towards your child. Sorry to go to this dark place, but he does not sound like a sane person.

Any evidence you can gather that he is experiencing this delusion can’t hurt your case - try to engage him in text conversation so he can discuss his delusion in writing.

@AnyFucker

He is fucking around himself. I would bet my house on it.

Oh this absolutely.

I would bet he was already cheating himself - increasingly common once they think they have a woman "secured"/stuck - and was just waiting for any old pathetic excuse to project his behaviour at you, OP.

To project in such a monstrous way, at such a time. Totally unforgivable.

As soon as he senses I'm not taking any more of his shit, he starts acting like the best dad/husband which makes me feel he is very vulnerable and deep down scared.

No this means he is manipulative and knows when to pull back from his hurtful and abusive behaviours enough for you to tow the line again. He's like your puppeteer and has total control over his actions.

The father of my child was verbally, financially, physically abusive, jealous, told me I wasn't allowed to see males drs and I wasn't to be in the company of other men.

When I was pregnant he stopped all the physical abuse immediately and it resumed once I'd given birth.

I'd always thought he was damaged and vulnerable and needed my help but I knew the first time the abuse returned that he could control his behaviour and I left two days later.

@footprintsintheslow

Wow - I am so sorry you went through this awful experience and thank you for sharing this. You must be such a strong person

What is life looking like now?

Life is great now, that was 21 years ago. My daughter is at uni and I'm remarried with a two year old and another on the way!

These men can control their behaviour but the don't. We can also control our behaviour and make our own choices.
I never looked back and neither will you!

I can't get over his reaction to your examination during a very traumatic experience. His feelings and behaviour towards you are disgusting. He gives me the creeps. It's not normal at all. I've had internal examinations dozens of times (childbirth, miscarriage, cancer) usually done by men. It's never crossed my husband's mind to be upset by this. It's a medical professional doing his job. There is nothing remotely sexual about the experience. Your husband has deep rooted issues.

I am utterly shocked by his reaction. As many have said, this is by no means rational or justifiable.

You said you already have a 4 year old. Was your DH involved in appointments during your pregnancy with him or at the birth?

Just to say I know people think being a single parent is the last thing they want to do and think it will be so much hard work and scary bringing up a child/children on their own and from my many single parent friends they would agree.

But they would also say it is fantastic and freeing no longer having to deal with someone else’s problems, wants, needs and BS.
They can do what they want when they want.

They are the happiest people I know.

Re your update. He is NOT vulnerable, he is a manipulative, controlling, narcissist who has a keen sense of when his victim (you) is coming to the end of what they can tolerate. He doesn’t want you to leave not because he loves you but because it would take him time and energy to find another victim. Do not let him con you into feeling sorry for him.he is playing the victim role, the one who has been hard done too. Of course he knows that’s not true, hence his ability to change his behaviour when HE chooses too and for HIS benefit.
You are intelligent, caring and strong. Please don’t settle for someone who treats you this way

Husbands have no say in what happens to your body, ever. That includes which doctor touches it.

My ob is male, sterling doctor, has done internal and external ultrasounds, smears, bimanual examinations (with fingers in, sorry if TMI), examined my cervix several times in pregnancy, examined my breasts and has sewn me up twice in my husband's presence after I gave birth. My husband knows about all these things and I couldn't care less what he thinks about it. I also do not do any of these things in the company of others. It's 'our' thing. He's my doctor, I'm satisfied with him and the day my husband would tell me he's a man and he shouldn't be touching me, is the day he'll be told to shut his trap.

He is being very unreasonable