Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

He said that he will not leave the house, if I want to go I can go but this is his house. We own it together so I would have to fight for it or just rent something in the meantime.

You've said that you are both from Central Europe, OP. Might be worth pointing out to him that under English law, because you have a 4 year old child, that it is most likely that you will be awarded the house in the divorce settlement. It would be expected that the mother remains in the house, with the child. He won't have any option, but to leave. I'm not sure whether he is aware of this.

OP you really can't live like this. Please, don't stay

I know that the Law is in my favour but it will be a lenghty process and I need some headspace to prepare for this. I don't know if I want to stay in this house anyway.

I just hope that i will have the strength to go through with this, it all just seems so wrong but I know there is no going back really.

I thought I had my life sorted out, I worked so hard to be where I am today and the reality of life just really hit me hard. I lost my mum when I was very young and always wanted to have a full family of my own. This coming out of nowhere like this just destoyed me completely.
But I am strong and I can get through this, I just don't know where to go from here

He's a controlling abusive gas lighting vile man... and he sounds exhausting to be around.. what a sorry sad pathetic little bore he is.... I hope you find somewhere else to live and soon... good luck OP...

Yikes.

I'm sorry, but I really think you need to get proper legal and counselling advice about ending your marriage safely.

He sounds deranged.

Don't have any more children with him. With those views, imagine having a daughter with him!

"I'm glad you're thinking of leaving - take your time and make solid plans. You will probably end up having to force the sale of the house, but it absolutely is not his alone. You have ample grounds for divorce here - his behaviour is so far beyond the unreasonable it isn't even funny."

This. It's great that you are planning to end the relationship and move on.

Just be aware: his behaviour is abusive and he could become physically dangerous to you. You might not be able to imagine that but then most abuse victims don't think their partners will be physically violent until they are. And what he's doing already is emotional and psychological violence so he's perfectly capable of violence towards you.

Don't discuss your plans with him - unless of course you want to ask him to leave in which case you will have to discuss the matter with him - but you have already said he won't agree to leave the house (which is not his - it's half yours as well) and you may prefer to avoid the fight if you're not that fussed about staying in the house in any case. From a legal perspective, it will be difficult to get him to go if he doesn't leave voluntarily.

Regard him as a person who is unsafe to you now and focus on planning in secret on how to get yourself and your DC to safety. However, unless you are in serious physical danger, you can take a bit of time to plan. There is a checklist of things to think about in this article: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Women's Aid also has some useful advice on how to plan for leaving your spouse and what to pack: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20

Good luck, OP. Hopefully your friend can help support you in real life and also keep posting here if it helps.

"In a previous thread of mine, you were pretty much the only poster out of hundreds who didnt condemn people (in that case my ex male partner) who were trying to prevent their partners from socialising on their own. You seem to ambivalent about controlling behaviour."

I don't THINK this is aimed at me, but I would like that clarified please because in your post you've mixed a quote from me with a quote from someone else.

@Gwenhwyfar

"In a previous thread of mine, you were pretty much the only poster out of hundreds who didnt condemn people (in that case my ex male partner) who were trying to prevent their partners from socialising on their own. You seem to ambivalent about controlling behaviour."

I don't THINK this is aimed at me, but I would like that clarified please because in your post you've mixed a quote from me with a quote from someone else.

@ Gwenhwyfar

Sorry is this message aimed at me?
I am confused as I haven't posted anywhere on this forum apart from this thread

OP - you are BOTH grieving parents and need support.
He's lashing out - which could be done in the safety of a grief counsellors room.
No matter the reason - it is NOT acceptable to treat you this way.....just because you can make it look like you're holding it all together doesn't mean it's ok for him to dump his emotional load onto you.

If he refuses to access support - and chooses instead to continue behaving in an abusive manner, then you're not left with much choice are you?

YOU need to make you and your child a priority right now - above your husband.
If YOU are not able to keep it together then what???
If this means renting somewhere until the divorce is finalised - so be it.

You can't 'carry' him through this if he isn't prepared to work with you.

@AnyFucker

He is fucking around himself. I would bet my house on it.

My exh accused me of being unfaithful. He was judging me by his standards. I twisted myself into a million knots trying to prove a negative. So much gaslighting going on.

It came to light v rapidly after the divorce (which took just 5 weeks).

Please find the strength to leave. His response and his reaction to what happened is not about hiding his upset or loss. It’s about something much deeper. He would need proper therapy and assessment. That is not your responsibility it is his. The fact that you have still been trying to have a loving relationship with a man who sexualised a medical procedure to your body, is showing him that in some way you agree with him. This is dangerous, you are giving away your autonomy to him.
People he cares about have questioned his view possibly forcefully, yet he is still living in his head. Saying ‘he’ will never get over it.
You cannot bring a child up in a relationship where one partner is viewed as the property of the other.
You have the ability to leave, save Yourself and your son years of pain and separate as soon as possible.

@mummy20169

Don't worry, it's aimed at me.

And I shouldn't have mentioned it and risked a derail of your thread; but I didn t like that poster citing that views like hour husband's are "normal" in certain groups (before we established your husband isn't in such a group) because I think it's irrelevant (and I'd noticed that poster normalising controlling behaviour in a previous thread of mine).

Oh my God OP. I want to divorce him and he’s not even my husband!!!

@NotaCoolMum

Oh my God OP. I want to divorce him and he’s not even my husband!!!

Me too!

He is probably unfaithful and projecting this on to you. He is abusive and unhinged and I don;t think you have a choice but to leave him for the sake of your own wellbeing and that of your DC.

This reaction is so out of proportion and bizarre it makes me wonder if he was abused and it has triggered something he had otherwise repressed.

He really needs some professional help whatever is going on as you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

@bitheby
Yes I agree, he does need professional help, something is seriously wrong. Problem is he doesn't think he needs help and he doesn't want any help.
That just leaves me no choice.
He thinks that when he feels down I should let him get on with it and let him get over it by himself, I.e. do not talk to him and act like everything is normal.

Today he told me that he is affected by what happened far more than I am. And he still feels that he has a right to feel this way.
I mean what do you say to that? You just wouldn't believe the things that come out of his mouth

Loss can trigger all sorts of deeply buried emotion so there might be an element of truth in that. Maybe he's displaced his very natural feelings of loss onto the doctor.

It's fine to acknowledge the feelings and talk about how he feels. But not if he can't see that these feelings aren't based on reality.

You're not a neutral party in this though. As his feelings hurt you. Does he have friends and family that can step in and intervene on your behalf?

He cannot know how you were effected and a healthy person would not see grief as a competition.

Usually yes we have a right to our feelings but we don't have a right to hurt others because we are hurting.

From your other posts it seems there is so much more to this. I'd get counseling yourself and see a solicitor. Maybe he'll realise he needs help but you need to prepare that he won't.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

That is some seriously fucked up thinking.

I would be very careful not to mention divorce before you are ready to go ahead and move out and be careful with your Ds.
With that messed up thinking short of you having had a CS then he could start thinking your Ds has had an affair with you too.

He doesn’t sound ok

My children was delivered by male drs and on the day of birth and post birth checks I've also encountered experiences of male drs looking and feeling my body to check me over...

Maybe to him it wasn't comfortable watching another man see his wife but the dr wouldn't even remember you or your body by the time he finished his shift.

Going through divorce and all the lengthy legal process is a long but at least you know there will be an end to that.
Staying and hoping he'll change (even thought he hasn't after everyone in his life has expressed shock that he behaves this way) you don't know when or if it will end.

@mummy20169

Today he told me that he is affected by what happened far more than I am. And he still feels that he has a right to feel this way. I mean what do you say to that? You just wouldn't believe the things that come out of his mouth

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Of course he's allowed to be affected by the experience but he doesn't get to treat you badly.

@mummy20169

Today he told me that he is affected by what happened far more than I am. And he still feels that he has a right to feel this way. I mean what do you say to that? You just wouldn't believe the things that come out of his mouth

By 'what happened' does he mean losing the pregnancy or by you having a medical exam?

@mummy20169

Today he told me that he is affected by what happened far more than I am. And he still feels that he has a right to feel this way. I mean what do you say to that? You just wouldn't believe the things that come out of his mouth

By 'what happened' does he mean losing the pregnancy or by you having a medical exam?