MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

Echoing that 60 is not old. My own mum is 62 and my youngest brother is still a teenager!

Can she be encouraged to join social groups and take up a hobby? She could make friends and spend more time out of the house, plus she might meet husband number 2 if you're lucky!

Not sure I could bring myself to have sex while one of our parents were in the house to be honest, children would not have been happening under those circumstances.

Presumably your relationship with your own mum is different though.

This woman sounds hypercritical and controlling. What she is doing is parenting you. Which is regrettable, because it doesn't sound like that's something she's too good at.

You are going to have to establish real boundaries, because otherwise you will be treated as a child (and skivvy) in your own home for half of your adult life. Once you have children, you won't be allowed to parent them properly because that will be her role.

I don't imagine you're particularly keen to sell your home right now, although I can see the wisdom of that suggestion. So, I guess it comes down to clearly designating her parts of the house. And making sure there are rooms (your bedroom for example) that she never enters.

What furniture is it that she wants to bring? Where does she want to put it? I'm not sure that a flat out no is entirely fair here - it could be 30 years of her life too, so I don't think it would be fair to deny her her comfy chair or the bed she had for her whole married life. But I would not be housing a hideous cabinet in my family sitting room.

OMG you aren’t being selfish! I get stressed after a couple of days with even my favourite people staying in the house. She’s not old or frail. The culture argument- well, cultures change and you’ve grown up in a place/time where it isn’t the culture. The fact that your DM lives with your bro is irrelevant- that was his choice. Either say no or get her small place nearby or a new house with an annex (although that may still be a bit close!). I don’t understand why you have pay her bills either. Can’t she downsize her house?

I think it’s mighty selfish of her to expect this- did she suggest it? Why not just buy somewhere closer

@StoneCold316

Are you Indian or Pakistani by any chance?

In the UK, even if you’re from these backgrounds, this isn’t really the done thing anymore. I’m British Indian and I don’t know anyone who moves their elderly relatives in anymore. It’s different if you all want to and it’s mutually agreed, but it isn’t a given and shouldn’t be done out of duty. You do have the right to say no.

My grandmother (94) lives on her own since my grandad passed away. My mum and her siblings, and us grandchildren, take it in turns to visit her daily and help out and spend time with her, because we love her and we want to. She would never let anyone move in though and she would never want to be a burden. Same with my parents. I left home for uni when I was 18 and never really went back.

This sort of outdated view is, thankfully, phasing out now. At 60 she is still young and should look at ways to occupy her time herself. It shouldn’t be up to you to look after her. Obviously it’s very sad that she has been widowed, but that doesn’t mean her life’s over and she moves in on yours.

Honestly, I would never want my dc to feel like they have to be responsible for me. You shouldn’t have to live with this.

Did you read this post OP?

Also, to put her age into context - top actresses over 60

Helen Mirren 74
Meryl Streep 71
Susan Sarandon 73
Julie Walters 70
Anjelica Huston 69

So, your MIL is a youngster in comparison!

Also, your DH doesn’t ‘have your back’, if he did he’d being saying no to her.

Thank you all. Just to clarify the furniture point. DH has made it clear to her that she can bring her bedroom, wardrobes anything decorative etc and keep this in her bedroom. He will also decorate that room to her liking. But he's told her she has no say on what happens in the rest of the house.

We considered a granny annex/flat but from the stories I've heard and read about...granny is unlikely to be in her flat much lol, and the annex will just become become an expensive storage place for her clothes and a place to sleep. So if it goes wrong then her own flat is the only option. She would downsize but I guess that money would run out at some point and we will end up paying her bills.

Is there any way you can give her part of the house, maybe with a kitchenette in one of the living rooms? or move to a house with a granny annexe? I would be dreading it if I was her. I love all my kids, but I wouldn't want to move in with any of them!

OP, your MIL sounds just like my mum, with all the cultural expectations as well. I was able to just about tolerate her from a distance but she really stepped it up when my son arrived, to the point that I had to go NC, as it was costing my sanity, confidence, self-esteem and my marriage. Maybe it works for your cousins because their MILs respect boundaries. Yours doesn't sound like she will. Only do it if you are prepared to sacrifice your life.

"In the UK, even if you’re from these backgrounds, this isn’t really the done thing anymore. I’m British Indian and I don’t know anyone who moves their elderly relatives in anymore. "

@StoneCold316 and @TwentyViginti - thanks for this. I wish I was from a family/circle like this. I literally know nobody in my or DH family/ circle of Indian friends who has left their parent on their own. I really really wish I did. It makes it so much harder.

@Sittinonthefloor you are right now that I think of it. Although DH puts mil in her place all the time I am starting to wonder if he has my back at all and if him moving her in is just the start of things changing.

You are in a tough spot @LifeOverAlready

The fallback option if (when) this goes wrong is that we'd put her in a flat close by which would be a huge deal and also we'd have to pay all the bills as she won't be working.
A better bet is for her to move closer to you but NOT in your house. Also you shouldn't need to pay her bills as there will be cash from the sale of her home I assume.

Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over.
I don't think I'd like someone "not very likeable" like this - even family - in my home/safe space. The compromise would be her living closer but in her own home and, of course - she DOES NOT get a key to yours.

we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her
How will this work if you and your husband want to go away together. Will arrangements be put in place for her to stay with someone else - or does she come with you?

Re your husband's brothers
DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her.
Was this strategic thinking on their part do you think?

OP what work did your MIL have before? Can she not keep doing that? She still has years before her - as PP have said official retirement in the UK in now in the mid-60's now.

Also if she's already so critical and follows you around criticising everything you do - down to how you comb your hair - how will you feel when she criticises your mothering skills?

I am older than your MIL and I certainly don't need someone to "look after" me!

You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about this. Although he's said she wouldn't be your responsibility whilst living in your home, over time it would be you compromising more and more - because he's likely to take the line of least resistance.

Good luck what coming to a mutually agreed decision. 🌹

How was it when your DM lived with you?

You have to say no now .
It's not comparable to having your own mother stay with you ...I guess you would have done the grunt work with her , sitting with her, taking her places, entertaining her . Will your husband be doing the grunt work with his own mother. I can tell you now he won't ...he will expect you to sit with her , entertain her , take her places.

If you say no now and the marriage does not last ...it definitely would not last with her there.

He does not have your back as he has already started to make arrangements to move her in .

Say no now whilst you can ... moving her out after is going to be very hard , your marriage will already be changed and shattered by then.

And as a side note , these problems only ramp up once you have children then it is even harder .

I really am struggling with this. I'm older than your mil, and I'm still breathing a sigh of relief that my kids have moved out! Again, is this her idea, or dh's? Who will you be upsetting, since the rest of her family are also not prepared to do this? She needs to be living her own life, she's far too young to start living through you. For a start she should learn to drive and get a job. Why won't she?

Hi OP, if she's only 60 and in good health, what would be the possibility of her being interested in remarrying (in due course)? I don't know if this is the done thing in your culture but I have to say it's something I might encourage in your place.

If not, def allow her some of her furniture in her areas, make it feel more homely and she's more likely to spend time there!

She won't be coming on holidays with us. And to be fair to her she does get that we need our couple time so I don't think she'll expect to be invited on holidays.

It was fine my my DM was with us. My husband got on great with her and there were never any issues. I suspect that is because I did the grunt work though re. entertaining her and sitting with her and running her errands. DH has assured me he would be doing the grunt work related to his mum as it's his parent but it won't happen will it?

" It's made worse by the fact that women of my parents and in laws generation had little choices and their lives revolved around their husbands (I get that times are changing now)."

Times have already changed!

There are plenty of women of her age who have worked & still are doing!

I think that she should rent out her house & use the money to rent her own place & pay her own bills.

Has she no income at all?

Did your husband get on ok with your mum whilst she lived with you?

Was he expected to skivvy for her?

If your husband really does have your back here then why is she moving in with you at all?

Once again Attila has nailed it

You mentioned that you'd find a nearby flat for her if this falls apart, so why not do it now while relations are more or less intact and save a lot of upset?
And why would you both be paying "all her bills" because she's not working? If she's genuinely not able to then benefits will help, and if she can work a small job may be just the thing to keep her mind occupied and allow her to build outside interests

" DH has assured me he would be doing the grunt work related to his mum as it's his parent but it won't happen will it?"

He doesn't work full time then?

@pickingdaisies, it was her idea and DH didn't object to it because it's so normal in our culture and also because of my mum staying with my brother and me and him helping out with her. So I felt I couldn't say no.
There's no way she would remarry, it's not the done thing at all. Gosh I do hate my culture.
She retired about 2 years ago as she's had a tough life and her sons felt she should retire and take it easy now. She has considered learning to drive and getting a part time job when she moves.

My Mum lived with us for 14 years, in a purpose built annex - and at her insistence, with her own front door.

It worked for 2 reasons -
DH was wonderful and loved her.
DM was so sensitive of us and our space - she never came in to us without knocking on the door of the laundry (which we shared). She had her own self-contained flat which she could decorate etc. as she chose.

Even with Mum who was so careful not to tread on any toes, I wouldn't have done it (nor would she), had she not had her own defined space. She never told me what to do, and was lovely and pleasant to have around.

It was a big advantage to the DC, who were 10/11 when she moved in. They built a wonderful relationship with her, she was there for them when DH and I were at work, or they wanted a bit of space. They learned to be patient and considerate, and we think they are better people for having had Mum around during their formative years. She was also a great cook - so there was payback.

Say no to this whole idea now. She is not going to respect any boundary either of you care to set her. And once she is in your home it’s game over to your marriage because it will not stand the strain.

That furniture she could bring will end up all over your home, she will make your house her territory. She’s going to make the kitchen hers so why not the rest of the house, it’s fair game to people like his mother who basically now wants you and her son to continue to wait on her and or other wise look after her. She’s never had to look after her own self you see so why change that habit of a lifetime?

I can see why her two other sons left and one of them has no contact with her. There are indeed reasons why and it comes down to her.

Your husbands own inertia when it comes to his mother also hurts him as well as you. He will not want to intervene in any conflict his mother brings with her causing you to feel burnt out and felingused by the two of them also because I think he is afraid of her on some level.

Why would you need to pay all the bills for a flat if she’s renting out her place?

@diddl both me and DH work full time. And DH got on really well with DM when she was with us. That's what makes this hard. He wasn't expected to skivvy for her but did help out a bit with errands.

@Puzzledandpissedoff, I am starting to think getting the flat upfront will be better. Rather than using it as a fallback option. I guess I was under the illusion that this could work given that DH stands up to MIL all the time. Not even on just issues relating to me. But generally on most things.

I do reckon BIL's choices may have been strategic.

Set up a family calendar

Write DH to take MIL hospital 10-30
DH remember prescription
DH MIL needs lift to X Y Z at the weekend

Start now so it’s normal