MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

DH has assured me he would be doing the grunt work related to his mum as it's his parent but it won't happen will it?

You'd be very naive to assume it would, and equally naive to believe you'll be able to get away with just your DH - or indeed to have any independent life at all

You've already said she likes to regard herself as elderly, and once installed I'll almost guarantee the "illnesses" will start, quickly escalating to "something serious" if you resist in any way. Will your DH really accept leaving her alone then, especially if she insists she "only has twenty years a few months to live"?

Do not let your overriding sense of obligation here have her in your home. She is only 60 so not old.

A friend of mine comes from an Asian culture and also lived with her MIL after marriage. They divorced for a number of reasons: two being her MIL could not respect or accept any boundaries and her husband became a child in her presence and could not assert his own self within their home. She felt betrayed, used and sidelined by the pair of them.

Why don't you have her to stay for a few weeks as a trial run. Ensure you do nothing for her, other than cook. And say you like the peace when you're on your own to cook. Lovely loud music. Make sure dh runs her to the shops etc. Then have a proper talk when you've seen what the issues are.
But set expectations up before hand. Then you'll know if dh really has your back.

"She has considered learning to drive and getting a part time job when she moves."

Then I think that you should look at a flat of her own as the first option tbh.

She might relish freedom & independence!

Or a retirement place so that she is independent but there are people/activities on site if she wishes?

@LifeOverAlready I lived with my MIL for 3 years (and she is an orthodox jew with very strict rules). I have moved out and bought my own place but there are times when I miss her (but not her house as her house was very cluttered). In an alternate reality, if she had a nicer house,I would have been happy living with her forever.

My mother has been living with her MIL for the past 29 years. And they don't really get on. When I was a child, my grandma used to complain incessantly about my mum to me. But my grandma now loves her and sings her praises.

British women (the ones who aren't BAME/have the cultural expectation) have a different idea about family, hence they can't cope. If you accept that your mother in law is part of your husband, she would grow on you, even the annoying bits.

There is a saying in chinese- if you love the house, you would love the crows standing on the house. In-laws are kinda like that, they are the parts of our DH that may not exactly be to our taste (but then they are 30 years older). My mum used to tell me as a kid; when you grow up, no matter how terrible your MIL is, remember she is the one who brought up your DH. and you love your DH, so you should be grateful to her for that.

As for differences in personality, well we all have that! You just need something in common to develop rapport- and there is at least one thing you have in common- that you both love your DH.

"British women (the ones who aren't BAME/have the cultural expectation) have a different idea about family, hence they can't cope."

But the expectation isn't there from either side.

She has considered learning to drive and getting a part time job when she moves

I'm afraid that sounds to me like "look how independent I'm going to be!!" to persuade you to go along with this, only for it to vanish once in situ

It could, however, give you an "out" if you want one. How about insisting that she lines up and job and gets her licence before any move, so you can all start off on a sensible basis?
It won't happen of course, so that's when you bring in the flat as the only option that'll work

I think her own flat nearer to you would be a good compromise for now. You could soften the blow by doing all you can to help her settle in, involve her as much as you feel able to cope with, etc. You need to make sure your DH is under no illusion about your strong feelings. I really feel for you, OP.

@diddl didn't OP say its the done thing in her culture?

Its the done thing in my culture too. Actually I grew up thinking i would have to live with in laws, i am still shocked that i live alone with DH.

British women (the ones who aren't BAME/have the cultural expectation) have a different idea about family, hence they can't cope

Eh? What different idea about family do British women who aren't BAME have? That the majority won't allow themselves to be turned into MIL skivvys and give up their home and autonomy for them on their DH say so? Is this their not 'coping' in your eyes?

Even if she moves in by far the best thing for her would be make sure she has a life that isn't dependent on you. Learning to drive, a part time job or volunteering to widen her friendships will really help. This needs to be framed to her as an opportunity to have much more fun and independence than she has ever had. A busy active MIL is much less likely to be in your business.

@TwentyViginti well I always saw my MIL as an extension of my DH, so if I couldn't cope with her, I wouldn't have married him. I get that most British women think of their DH as separate so it would be a shock for his mum to move in.

my DH is white and I couldn't ask him to live with my parents, simply because he doesn't think of my parents as an extension of me. But I was very happy living with his mum.

"@diddl didn't OP say its the done thing in her culture?"

Yes.

It isn't in mine-what I was trying to say was that doesn't make me unable to cope or a bad DIL- my MIL wouldn't expect or want to live with us.

@TwentyViginti my mum lived with her MIL for the past 29 years. She wasn't a skivvy. she worked full time and was a careeer woman in every sense of the word. my grandma did a lot of cleaning and childcare. When my mum was asked to do a talk on how to succeed at work as a woman, she credited her MIL as being the main reason for her career success. my MIL used to care for me and my sister until 11 pm so my mum could advance at work (she worked at investment banks for most of her career). My grandma was happy to do it for her grandchildren. And now my grandma has a stroke, so my parents are paying for a full time maid to look after her and all her bills.

Its a different way of life. In a sense, you have less autonomy but more financial security/more options. It allows you to advance in careers in your 30s and 40s when most mothers are taking a step back, which sets you up in your 50s and 60s. This also benefits the older person because if they have financially successful children, they don't need to worry about money running out. Of course most British women would rather live in their own nuclear home, be able to decorate as they like, pay £1500 childcare, go part-time if they can't afford childcare - which is also a perfectly valid choice. Expensive choice, but freedom does cost money.

Good article on this view. I do acknowledge having your own home and autonomy is nice (i do like many aspects of my life now- having my own flat, my own mortgage, freedom to decorate but I don't quite like the paying for childcare part and i miss being with extended family).
www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/

typo *my grandma used to care for me and my sister until 11 pm so my mum could advance at work (she worked at investment banks for most of her career)

Surely there are other options

MIL could stay in her own property & rent out spare rooms. She can earn a certain amount before paying tax. Info on www.gov.uk

MIL could sell her property & downsize to a smaller property & therefore have some cash to live on

Did PIL not pay into a private pension ?

If MIL has no health issues, why can't she work. Her state retirement must be 66+ ?
Can't she claim universal credit ?

Could you not just sell her house and buy her somewhere closer? There’s no way I would put up with this..,

TwentyViginti I expect the PP meant that non-BAME British women often can't cope with the realities of having inlaws to live with them because it's just not a part of our cultural mindset - and that's fair enough up to a point

However while it can work well, all too often the reality for the asian women I know is that their lives are crushed by grinding hard work, unsupportive husbands and the general resentment which can arise from this situation. I guess they could be said to be "coping" if that means pretending to be happy to live such a life, but wifely happiness isn't always a priority for some families

If your MIL was 80 I could understand a move together

At 60 there seems to be an awful lot of entitlement going on !

She could live another 30 years

What does she do with herself all day if she doesn't work and has no hobbies op? You'd think she'd be bored stiff and keen to look for something to fill her time.

A husband is not, and should not be seen as an extension of his mother or father. This man is his own person.

If this lady does want to learn to drive and or get a job then why wait until moving in?. There’s no time like the present.

There is no upside at all for the op to have his mother move in with them. She is already concerned now for very good reason.

God no. Just no.

What about a three month trial with no expectations on either side?

I know in some cultures the bringing up of children seems to miss a generation, so the grandma brings up the children so the mum can go out to work, and then when the children grow up and have children of their own, the mum then steps up with the grandchildren. Is that what your MIL will be expecting OP?

My MIL used to work with a number of women where the culture was that you had either DM/MIL live with you or you moved in with them. They used to tell her that you were expected to put up with that in the expectation that you would be the matriarch some time in the future. MIL thought that was quite a good idea, DH as the eldest son, didn’t luckily.

OP - while I totally understand why posters are telling you to just say no, I can respect that for your family and extended family, this is just the way it is. And that therefore you need to find techniques to manage. Personally, I'd be hesitant to simply insist on changing everything right now - I think you could actually cause more damage, particularly with your DH.

To start, what's really important is that you have to, right now, get a mindset where YOU are NOT responsible for HER happiness and comfort. So, if she's a bit unhappy because things aren't being done her way or she wants something that would be very inconvenient for you, that is not your problem. This is a difficult mindset to reach but it will be needed for your sanity. MIL stays with us for lengthy periods and this has changed my entire experience. Eg, if she's sitting in the lounge looking a bit bored but I've just come in from a long day at work and want to relax/go have a glass of wine outside etc, I just do it. I do not allow myself to feel that I need to "entertain" her. It was really hard at first, but now it's not. And actually, i means when I AM interacting with her, I enjoy it so much more because it's by choice.

Obviously - boundaries. So the kitchen is a good one. You can either agree to let her play housekeeper, in which case the kitchen basically becomes hers. If this works for you, go right ahead. Otherwise, I'd say it's still YOUR kitchen and I'd suggest that you agree a process eg a rota for cooking (and cleaning) etc. Also, if you have space, perhaps put aside a cupboard or drawer or two for her to bring her favourite cooking implements etc and to arrange them in her preferred way. She'd still use a lot of yours, obviously, but this way she has her own set up that is at least slightly separate to yours.

Your DH has said he will take responsibility. His behaviour to date suggests that he means this. So do not feel guilty and take things on because your female (and cultural) socialisation makes you think you have to.... And again, what you might find is that you then actually enjoy doing stuff with/for her. Certainly, DH is the lead with MIL. But actually, for example, I am always the one who takes her shopping because both Dh and SIL are useless at this with her and actually we have a good time. it's not a chore for me and it is for them. It WOULD be a chore for me if I was also the one doing the endless small things she needs from help with the computer to how to open a window (yes, that happened).

Good luck. I think you CAN make this work based on what you've written here. Just carefully.

You & your husband must have a united front !!!
Do not ever let her divide & conquer. You discuss this with your husband.

Ensure your privacy as a couple.

Start as you mean to go on....even if it causes friction in the beginning. You & your husband have ground rules....you discuss this all together prior to her moving in.

Give her some control of things....that way she'll feel useful & included....this will avoid her deciding what's her domain/business and encroaching on your territory.

Ensure you & your husband have time allotted together....same goes when kids come along...you ensure you have protected time with children. Ensure your mil has protected time with kids as well.

Family Rota for cooking/childcare & Big Girl Pants x