MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

[Sh05]

I'm glad you are thinking through all options. And also that your DH agrees with you. We were very young when we lived with the in-laws, and we both found it really difficult to voice our opinions. They wouldn't accept rent so we definitely felt beholden to them. Your situation is thankfully different and you've not committed to anything yet.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[forrestgreen]

Could she come for a visit as opposed to an official trial. So you can see clearly what the issues are.

[billy1966]

The reality for you OP, is that the ONLY person who is going to look after your best interests in this is YOU.

Keeping reminding yourself of that.

Also any gossip will be infinitely easier to cope with than being stuck with a difficult permanent guest for the next 20/30 years!

[PrincessForADay]

OP I think you are being more than reasonable as for me this would be a flat no to my parents or my in-laws moving in!

You mention part of the reason you feel you need to consider this is due to you DM living with you previously. How long did she live with you?

[LifeOverAlready]

Hi @PrincessForADay....DM was with us for 4 years and is now with my brother. However, we do still help my brother out and provide respite so DM comes to stay with us all the time. It's a shared responsibility but my brother does more. There's no way I would have agreed to this re. MiL if it wasn't for the situation with DM too. And DH never complained about DM which just makes me seem worse

[Pumi23]

DM was with us for 4 years and is now with my brother. However, we do still help my brother out and provide respite so DM comes to stay with us all the time. It's a shared responsibility but my brother does more

I hope you realise the double standards which exist here. So it’s okay for YOUR mum to live with your brother and his family but god forbid if you are ever in that position.

I am Indian myself and I do not for one minute say I live my MIL! But I do respect her. If you’re not Indian you do not understand the dynamics. Of course people on here will say “do what you want it’s your life” it’s because they don’t understand our culture. Why doesn’t your SIL say the same as you feel and kick your mum out and your DM can live with you? you married an Indian so you knew the responsibility that would be expected from you.

[nicenames]

Could you possibly move the mums in together?! A two bed flat, so then it is all even handed and they have daytime company. Then you could rotate mealtimes - they come to you for dinner, you go to them for dinner, BIL pops in for dinner etc? Probably a terrible idea, but two bird one stone!!

OP I really feel for you. I have an overbearing (but ultimately very kind) MIL and I would snap very quickly if I had her living with me as she does interfere continuously. Your efforts re the annex are a good idea.

One thing that I can't see having been mentioned, because your mum is so young at the moment, is what if she does become infirm and needs care? Will your husband pay for a carer to come in, or would you put her in a home? It is worth discussing, as this is another area in which female relatively often do far more than their fair share and obviously care is expensive. Hopefully another 20 or more years away, but it is important to understand what is required if this is going to be the next 30 years of your life.

Good luck! It sounds as if your DH is quite supportive, if potentially a bit naive! I hope it works out for you.

[PrincessForADay]

Can you come at it from the angle that it's too much having either Mum stay more than very occasionally? This would need to reduce your own DMs visits too. Say it's too hard on your marriage and lifestyle?

[LifeOverAlready]

@Pumi23 - please read my initial post before judging me and you will see how carefully I have considered all points including the fact that DM lives with my brother. I know exactly what being and marrying an Indian means thanks very much and I addressed the double standards point too. I wouldn't have even mentioned my DM's situation if I was intended on being a hypocrite and kicking MIL out. I specifically asked for COPING STRATEGIES for Mil moving in, not for advice on how to kick her out and I understand that the responses are from a lot of posters who don't necessarily understand the cultural expectations. The clear difference between my DM and MIL is that my DM is not an argumentative person whereas MIL is (as stated in my original post). So of course my SIL is fine with the arrangement . As mentioned in my previous post i also help out with my DM a lot so don't expect my SIL to take on all the responsibility. MIL is welcome to stay in my home with me if she behaves and stops pushing boundaries and arguing with us...I wouldn't have agreed to this in the first place then would I? I asked for coping strategies and we have delayed the move so we can think about how we can adapt our living space to accommodate the situation . Also where have I said in any of my posts that I don't treat MIL with respect?? Just because our culture expects us to live together doesn't mean I have to put up with being treated badly.

[Sssloou]

LifeOverAlready - what was the inspiration behind your user name?

[Pumi23]

I’m sure your own SIL has had issues with your own DM even though she may be the “perfect” and non-argumentative person. So why not consider getting advice on coping strategies from her? My own brother has my mum living with him. I wouldn’t even consider debating my MIL coming to live with me as my own mum lives with her DIL and I wouldn’t be posting online to get coping strategies as most people would not understand on here the cultural aspects!

You will only get replies from people telling you not to do it and how awful it is and you poor thing you should move her into a flat. If my brother moved my mum into a flat or annexe of course we would all talk and gossip you know what Indian culture is like! Of course people on MN are gonna tell you not to care what others think, we both know what our culture is like.

[Sharkerr]

my brother moved my mum into a flat or annexe of course we would all talk and gossip you know what Indian culture is like! Of course people on MN are gonna tell you not to care what others think, we both know what our culture is like.

I suspect there’s a reason OP has chosen mumsnet, a forum used by people of many different cultural backgrounds, rather than a specifically Indian forum for her question.

I think it’s empowering for people in OP’s position to hear opinions from people who aren’t shackled by the same expectations: she knows exactly what she’s supposed to do according to her own culture. But there’s clearly a large part of her which can see it has the potential to be an unmitigated disaster.

You sound like you embrace the expectations placed upon you in a way OP doesn’t.

OP, while I see your point that you’ve had your own DM to stay so it’s hard to turn down your MIL, you can also take into account individual personalities. Mums and mother in laws aren’t all one homogenous bunch. It’s important to get along with someone living in your home, your mental well-being is important too. Think of them both as housemates: sounds like you all got along fine with your mum but that your MIL would make things difficult due to her behaviour: she is in control of that, just like your mum was in control of behaving in a way that meant a relatively harmonious home.

[LifeOverAlready]

@Pumi23 - if you're so cultured then why isn't your mil living with you then? Very easy to watch from the sidelines and judge. There are plenty of posters on here (like yourself) who do understand the cultural expectations so posting online has helped me a lot and I can get advice from whoever I like thanks very much. Nowhere have I said that my DM was "perfect", my MIL is just VERY argumentative (think screaming matched with my DH) but you'll see that I have acknowledged her good points and do have a lot of guilt towards her being on her own. If your MIL isn't the argumentative type then lucky you and you wouldn't understand! I'm sure SIL and DM have had their issues but we give her a lot of support as a family and as mentioned I help out a lot from my side, whereas I could be in a real situation where I won't get that help. And if you could be bothered to read my posts properly I already mentioned that the reason I even agreed to this is because my DM lives with her SIL so how do i have double standards. I asked for coping strategies and it's up to me who I ask. You've responded to my post but haven't given any advice apart from judgement tbh

[Pumi23]

Yes but the whole attitude of how her life is over is very unsettling if tables were turned and someone would debate how many years your husbands mother will be around. How would she feel if her SIL was thinking how many years her mum would be around living with her. She’s welcome to not let her MIL move in but why does she have her own DM living with her at times - that is double standards.

[LifeOverAlready]

@Sharkerr- thanks so much, I'm glad you understand. This is exactly what I meant...I don't want to leave MIL on her own and I do understand the cultural expectations otherwise this wouldn't even be a consideration. I just want the arguments to stop and to have peace in my home. Yeah I could have asked the question on an indian forum but I needed a balanced view rather than judgement

[Sssloou]

It’s about this woman being especially difficult, who doesn’t take feedback or make progress.

All communities / societies have cultural expectations but these are allowed to adapt and evolve over time......and few are set in stone - on this thread PP from Indian families have shown that there are many shades of grey and different set ups.

OP trust your gut. Do whatever you can to preserve your sanity, home sanctuary, marriage, future motherhood - you don’t need to sacrifice your life - joy, hopes, dreams etc in a futile tap dance for a difficult person - who’s own son has fled. The clues are all there - you know and feel the reality in your gut already. Do you want to live an anxious, hyper-alert, frustrated, drained life.

[Pumi23]

I’m not going to post anymore as my intention is not to hurt you but you give you my perspective.

Do what you feel is right but remember you will be a MIL one day! Goodluck in whatever you choose to do.

[Sssloou]

Yes but the whole attitude of how her life is over is very unsettling...

That’s exactly why I asked the Q - if the OP feels this in her gut - then she needs to respect the magnitude of her feelings and not minimise it for anyone or any perceived cultural expectation - too much self sacrifice IMHO

[LifeOverAlready]

@Pumi23 - thanks for your perspective and I agree best you don't post as judgey posts like this don't really help, esp when I already accepted that I can be unreasonable sometimes. Yes you're right I will be a MIL one day and I sure as hell won't boss around, argue with, insult, or treat my DILs badly!

[LifeOverAlready]

@Sssloou - yes I get that my username is unsettling (I name changed for this post) but I can't help the way I feel. Really wish I felt differently and could just embrace my culture's expectations. In fact I would have loved some good advice and coping strategies from someone who does embrace it like @Pumi23 so I could at least try. I am envious of people like her who can just accept and get on with it

[Pumi23]

I agree best you don't post as judgey posts like this don't really help

Seriously? You’ve posted on the Internet where whole world gets to judge you and your opinions. Don’t post on such a public place if you don’t want to be judged.

[LifeOverAlready]

@Pumi23 - well carry on then if you want to judge. But it up to me to decide if your post is helpful or judgemental and I will continue to post where I want thanks

[Pumi23]

I’m finding your attitude very argumentative. Even after I posted goodluck to you in your decision and best wishes you call me “judgey” maybe you and MIL are very similar hence you don’t get along.

[Pumi23]

I won’t be reading anymore of this so don’t bother with your rude comebacks as I said before goodluck in your decision

[Pumi23]

Also everything you describe is typical of Indian women! Even the pasta boiling bit my own mum will tell me I put too little water in. You need to chill out!