MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

You already know this isn't going to work and boundaries will be trampled over.
The only good thing is that she will keep hold of her house so she can move back in. I think the only way this will be resolved is if you keep those boundaries. It will create arguments and tension and then she'll choose to move back to her house. But your relationship will be ruined.

Can't you have that frank discussion and say to her that you foresee that happening, so you'd rather not move in together and keep relationships good as they are at the moment, rather than falling out with each other. And tell your dh that you don't want to split up but you can see a time when that might be the only outcome, as tensions will be inevitable.

The only way it could possibly work is a self contained annex, but she'll still be over at yours as she's lonely. But at least she won't be able to take over your space.

This really isn't going to work is it.

My friend's marriage ended because she moved her opinionated, over-bearing, acid-tongue mother in. Everyone warned her, we had all met her. She was just rude. But she wouldn't listen.

I don't know why you think this just comes down to the things you have listed. What if she becomes ill and needs personal care? Are you really going to wipe her arse for her? Put her knickers on her in the morning if she needs help dressing?

It is a categorical no from me. The only good news about all of this is she is not selling her house so has somewhere to go back to. But I would stop this before it even starts. Just because something is cultural doesn't mean it should be continued.

I think I’d have to tough it out & day no. I thought you were going to say she was 95 not 60.

Also cultural norms evolve, be the pioneers! Get her a cleaner, etc .

You've done well listing all the potential positives here OP!

On the furniture thing - can she have her stuff in her sitting room and bedroom, but nowhere else in the house? That feels like a proper compromise, she won't get free rein but I think allowing her to bring some of her things with her is fair.

The kitchen... hmm, tricky. Could you have a cooking rota? Means she can't take over but she still feels useful? You might need to give a little on how things get organised, but if you both use it a roughly equal amount (or you and your H use it more) then she has no justification for having it her own way. And/or a little kitchenette in her sitting room so she's not always in your space for a cup of tea?

I know you said she has no hobbies, but can your DH encourage her to develop some hobbies that get her out the house? There needs to be clarity that you will not be her companion just because you're the woman in the house, and it needs to come from your H I reckon. You might also need to get out the house a bit more in the first few months to set the precedent that you're not at her beck and call.

I wish you luck :)

I'd sell the huge house & buy two places-one for you & one for your husband & his mum.

She's only 60-fucking hell-how is she not insulted that she needs to be moved in with family & looked after?

Or is it more that she will be waited on & lord it over her DIL?

The most sensible thing to do here is sell
up if possible and but a home with an annexe - it is really the only workable solution and even then it would be hellish at times I imagine. I can't imagine doing this with any relative of mine even those I love and like!

How about her & her son with the flat both sell up & buy somewhere together?

Or can she only live with a son who has a wife?

Don't do it!

I know that is not the answer or advice you are looking for, but read your post back to yourself and consider if this is what you want EVERY DAY, for months and then for years.
We live overseas so when my MIL visits it's for an extended stay of 3 months, I get on with her but it's so mentally tough having her here after about the 3 week mark. God I feel mean writing that but there is no way I would agree to living with her full time.
Is it feasible for you to move, to somewhere with a granny flat? Seperate kitchen but close enough to be there if she needs you.

Start as you mean to go on, any following get her told, and critiquing get her told.
I would let her bring a few pieces of furniture for her lounge (remove comfy pieces from your lounge 😂)
Set up expectations, couple time on Saturday and four nights etc.
Is there any room to put a small kitchen in her lounge. I'd be reluctant to hand over my kitchen, you'll never get it back.
Make sure you have plenty of out of the house hobbies that aren't mil friendly, cycling or the gym etc

Your MIL has probably been waited on or otherwise feited her whole life so why change her habit of a lifetime?. She is not going to want to learn how to drive nor to volunteer outside the home. She will mess up your kids just like she has done with her own sons, do you not think why they don’t want much if anything to do with her either?. A decision by one of them to buy a 1 bed place was a deliberate one.

Is she still planning on moving some of her furniture in? What was the outcome of their argument on that subject? Your husband is probably afraid of her on some level.

It seems that your DH's siblings can say no to this arrangement and have done so, now having little contact.

So the culture only applies to you, not to them. Therefore I really don't see why saying no isn't an option.

I could not live like this. Culture or not, and whether or not I was seen as the bad guy.

Her selling her house and moving to be near to you would be one thing, as you would retain your own space too, but I don't see that the proposed arrangement can work.

You risk damaging your marriage.

Is there really no alternative? Could she perhaps move in somewhere close by but not the same house?

You mention the plus point of child care when you have DC (and I agree this is a huge positive) but I think you also need to be prepared for her wanting to tell you how to parent. My parents and PIL don't live with us and we generally all get on but I was totally unprepared for how much they would feel they should be involved in my parenting decisions or how strongly I would want to do things my own way.

When you have DC you may also want to enjoy time with them without grandparents- how will she deal with this? For example, will she expect to be taken on family holidays/days out etc? What about birthdays/celebrations- will she expect to bake birthday cakes, cook for friends etc? How will you feel about this?
As you have said, she is only 60 so may very well be with you through your child/ren's childhood and after they have left home. The arrangement may also cause difficulties for your future children- I have a friend who's gran lived with them and it caused problems in her teenage years (gran disapproved of what she wore, where she went, got irritated if she had friends over etc).
If you can't find another way, I think you need to discuss all of this with your DH, and then you MIL, before it happens.

To put this in context, my MIL is a widow and really wanted to move in with us- we got as far as speaking to her about how everything would work and it was obvious that our expectations were very different.

I was going to say annexe.
You need an annexe
“This is our space”
“This is yours”

I think this situation comes in the category of things you think you SHOULD do and, in an ideal world, you would like to do, but in the actual real world you cannot cope with it.

I imagine there is a very very strong possibility that this will make you really really unhappy in the long term and at some point you will not be able to cope and your whole marriage will either fall apart or your mil will have to leave.

What all the pp have said! You find her tolerable from a safe distance - just. Living under your roof, she will drive you crackers and a wedge in your marriage. My parents did the opposite when they married and moved into my paternal grandma’s house. It didn’t go well, let’s say. Paternal grannie was widowed and expected my dad as the youngest to be completely focussed on her needs. She resented my mum and was very controlling by all accounts (I didn’t know her, she died when I was small).

The problem with agreeing to this set-up is that you are then implicitly agreeing to the entire set of cultural expectations that go with it. I suspect any attempts to set boundaries will be interpreted as you being unreasonable and a bad DiL especially if the cultural position is that MiLs rule the roost in their children’s homes. It seems you have had to do a lot of adjusting in order to live by your rules and not upset the family at the same time, but it’s come to the crunch now. 60 is not old. That this lady lacks interests and friends is sad for her but if you start trying to be the substitute, it won’t end. I’ve seen this go wrong in other families when a woman expects her life to revolve around marriage and children and just doesn’t know what else to do.

It won’t be easy, but I do think you need to explore all this with your DH now. Unless your MiL has serious health issues or another reason to be vulnerable, the only reason she’s moving in is tradition.

Sounds difficult. She really is young so it's surprising your husband has agreed to this at this stage in her life.
My suggestions -
Make driving lessons a requirement of moving in
Encourage hobbies - you are not her hobby
Lay down ground rules and discuss beforehand expectations on both sides. Be firm it is your home and you are in charge.
Agree with your husband that if it isn't working after a year she has to move out. Make sure she agrees to that.
Have regular house meetings to iron out issues.
The being argumentative part - the first time it happens tell her - in your house it is not acceptable and you won't be made to feel uncomfortable/angry etc in your home. Ask her to respect that.
The unwanted advice/criticism etc - 'thanks for the suggestion, I am happy doing it my way' and repeat, don't deviate or get into a debate/argument about it, just repeat. Practice saying it to yourself first!

Let her have some things e.g. rearranging the kitchen, especially if she'll be doing the cooking. I think letting her do the cooking is a good thing as she enjoys it and it is meaningful to her. If there are certain things in the kitchen or layout that are important to you then tell her not to change that.

Let her bring some pieces of furniture for her bedroom only. Be warned she might start buying furniture for the rest of the house!

I think moving to a new property a some point with a granny annexe is a very good suggestion especially when you do have kids.

You have the choice to break free from your culture

A lot of cultural traditions are just ways of making women do the shit work.(Literally the shit work, doing any caring duties etc.)

You have one life.

I’d choose not to live with a MIL or FIL, personally

My Gran moved in with us, when my grandfather died. She treated my mum like a servant, calling from the loo to get her to wipe her bum (yes, that’s why I call it shit work) criticising her cooking non stop. Calling for drinks to be served (she had swollen ankles and declared herself disabled)

It was so awful my mum ended up depressed, my dad was useless, and after a few years of this misery she was placed in an old people’s home (Do they still exist? A block of flats with a shared restaurant where meals and minor care were included) and that was much better.

I guess this strongly coloured my view. DH would like to take in his elderly parents if and when. He can do that, and care for them, but I will move out then! (As I know who will end up being expected to do the shit work)

@diddl

I'd sell the huge house & buy two places-one for you & one for your husband & his mum.

She's only 60-fucking hell-how is she not insulted that she needs to be moved in with family & looked after?

Or is it more that she will be waited on & lord it over her DIL?

This. Sell both properties and buy a bigger one with a separate granny annexe/outbuilding that she can fill with her own furniture and potter about in to her heart's content.

And yes, why does she want to be looked after like an elderly person when she's only 60???!

The only way I would agree to either of our mothers moving in would be to sell both houses and buy a place with a granny annex.

At least you don't have kids yet.
This woman will just take over as your DHs mother again and you will be sidelined.
She thinks she's the Mother in the family and she wants her job back. And sounds like she's getting it. She could live to be 100. That's 40yrs you have of this.
She needs a separate house of her own.

The way you talked about her I imagined a woman in her 80s not 60! Why does she have no friends, no hobbies, no life? I'm only a year younger, also retired, but fit, active, lots of volunteering, lots of hobbies etc. You can't be expected to provide her with a life for the next 25 years!

She needs to have her own separate kitchen and living area, with a separate entrance. Preferably in another building, but you need a lockable door between your part of the house and hers. Good luck; it sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen to me.

You say you will have childcare but in reality your children won't be your own, MiL will likely take over. This happened to my friend, MiL moved in as friend's DH was the eldest son. When friend had her first child, MiL took over to the extent that the baby slept in MiL' s bed. An extreme example I know.