MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

@Pumi23 - I apologise if I offended you, I didn't mean to be rude at all. I was just very hurt by your comments that I have double standards, when seriously I really really don't (that was the reason I even mentioned my DM/SIL on here and had agreed to MIL moving in in the first place as I am very mindful of what my SIL is doing). I actually would have really valued advice from someone like you who does understand our culture. Put yourself in my shoes. You say you'd agree to your mil moving in (like I did). Ok great, that's what our culture expects so that's what we should do it right? So what would you do if she moved in and spent the whole time constantly arguing with you all (I mean screaming matches with my DH, giving me the cold shoulder for not taking sides)? Criticising your cooking in front of guests after you spent 3 hours cooking? Snatching things out of your hand in the kitchen constantly? Being told everything you do is wrong? Should I just roll over and accept that because I should have just known that's the expectation marrying an Indian guy? Would you just let yourself get treated that way? I needed some real advice that's all as I wanted to make this work. I wouldn't have asked on here if I'd already decided to just stick her in a flat, I'm considering all options. Anyway, I'm not trying to be argumentative, you made some good points about our culture, it's the double standards bit that got my back up that's all

@Pumi23 - maybe I should chill out about things like food (which again I did say in my initial post). But what about the screaming matches? Should I chill about that? Again, not being rude, I'm genuinely interested in insights from someone who understands.i probably don't as my mum is an indian woman and was never like that with me so I was probably just really lucky!

yes I get that my username is unsettling (I name changed for this post) but I can't help the way I feel. Really wish I felt differently and could just embrace my culture's expectations.

It was not my intention to suggest you should feel “less” - the opposite in fact.

Everyone deserves a calm and peaceful home where everyone treats each other with kindness and respect.

This is not how she behaves. Either she can’t or she won’t.

Her behaviour is intolerable and unacceptable and she doesn’t even live with you.

It also seems intractable as your DH calls her out and she makes no compromises and doesn’t change her ways.

She is likely to behave progressively worse out of the comfort zone of her own home and as she ages.

The flat is the best compromise for now - you can address her needs if her health deadlines. Also spread the load amongst the other sons and you community.

Look forward to a joyous motherhood and marriage unpolluted by this difficult person in your own home.

The issues here are not culture specific - it’s how to manage a v difficult person whatever their gender, age, culture etc

@Sssloou - thank you. And that's exactly what I meant....it's not the cultural expectation I have an issue with (I think it's important to look after our parents) , it's the behaviour I am worried about. If she changed then I would be very different about all of this

Also, just because that is the things are traditionally done doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Who wants someone constantly criticising you in your own home. I know I would snap at them plus you are financing her by the sounds of things.

Stick to your guns OP😊

The only change you are likely to see is her getting worse.

Does she even want to do this herself - right now? Is she moving far away from her existing everyday life / routines / activities? This would concern me as that would be a massive gap to fill.

@Sssloou - Yeah she actually really wants to move in and is pushing for it most days. According to our culture she has already been living alone for far too long and most people in my community are quite old skool (as you can see from the previous poster) would think I'm a huge hypocrite given my DM is with my brother and think I shouldn't even post online for advice as it's not the "done" thing, you are just meant to roll over and accept all this.

@woodhill - I agree. I do want to change tradition but would be happy to compromise by letting her live with us if she changed her ways. The part of our traditions that I won't accept is being treated badly

it's not the cultural expectation I have an issue with (I think it's important to look after our parents) , it's the behaviour I am worried about. If she changed then I would be very different about all of this

And you can look after her in other ways thankfully :) without sharing a home.

You sound great OP. I’m really pleased you have it within you to reject this for your own wellbeing.

Neither my DM (80) or my MIL (79) would even WANT to move in with us. They love their DGDs to bits but are happy to go back to their own homes afterwards. 🤣

@Sharkerr - thank you

@Mittens030869 - yes that's exactly how I would be. It's why many of women in my community are now marrying out of the culture, to avoid all this

It's a shame because you seem happy with your DH. I live near dm but she likes her independence. She is nearly 80.

I am not far off the age of your MIL and would hate to impose on my own dds (have no dil as yet) but 2 son in laws.

I think it’s a difficult position you both are in as husband feels obligation towards his mother, and as you said he has no issues when your mum visits. You seem very young so you probably don’t realise resentments fester and you might find yourself one day with a husband who questions why your mother is always welcome to stay in your home but you didn’t want his mother staying with you. Maybe cancel any future visits from your mum until you can make a decision as a couple.

Have there been any changes to the siblings saying they will help you out in terms of sharing the responsibility of the mother living with you? This might be a good option if they are able to

Verity35 - OP is already discussing this with her DH - he is aware that his DMs “screaming matches” - set her apart from OP’s DM.

Regardless of whether DH is aware, or not aware how different his mother is, I’ve found husbands often forget over time their own families flaws. Especially if DM passes on then they only remember her as an angel without flaws. Rose tinted spectacles n all that. Resentments do fester so be prepared and make sure decision is BOTH of you not just one person as the resentment could easily be you feeling in the future

As someone from your culture, don't do it. Seriously.

Oh wow, youre a better woman than me i could not give up my freedom like that xx

OP admittedly I have not read much of this thread but I am Indian and understand the cultural expectations. You know in our culture MIL’s often treat the DIL’s like something on the back of their shoe, do you feel this would be the case for you? If you have an old school, traditional MIL I think she will make your life hell. People in their 60’s are stuck in their ways and they will not change. If she was a modern, open minded, respectful MIL, even then it can be very hard to live with them but at least compromise and open communication would make it easier for you. You won’t get that with the old school ones. I’ve seen marriages absolutely ruined by living with in-laws no matter how subservient you are, or what boundaries and coping mechanisms you implement. I feel for you I really do, because it is so hard feeling the pressure to appease the generation before us who have been raised totally different from us. I don’t know if it’s an option but I’ve always felt that having your MIL live next door to you is a bit of a middle ground that way she can be over for dinner and to spend time with you and future children etc, but she will ultimately go back to her own home and you will have the much needed space you require. Is this an option at all? My last bit of advice is do not make a decision you are unhappy with out of pressure. You will only end up trapped and resentful and have the potential for a life of misery and divorce. Also re your mother staying with you, I feel that’s irrelevant as personalities play a huge role. Best of luck

Thanks @Verity35 and @Sssloou, this is exactly what I am worried about. DH resenting me. But yes he is also aware that her personality is a difficult one and sets her apart from my DM. Also I do feel that son in laws interact with their MILs differently to how a DIL does so there's less of a clash.

@Sn0rlax and @titnomatani, thank you both too. It really helps to get non-judgemental viewpoints from people from the same culture. I honestly thought everyone from my culture would think I am unreasonable. I would say that MIL is halfway between traditional and modern/open minded. If she were to move in there would be no issues with me going out with friends or on holidays etc (not that I would listen or care if she had an issue with it). She has also worked full time so does understand that I won't be coming home everyday to cook and clean. It really is just the arguments, telling people what to do and her not being able to shut her mouth that causes the issues. I do wonder if I am just too sensitive but this behaviour is a constant thing. Living next door is one of the potential options definitely. I know we need to do something, it's just knowing what and dealing with the fallout if the decision is to not live in the same home.

Does she live far away from you currently? Is she still working full - time? Is she planning to work when she moves to you?

Have you spoken to your own mother? Her generation must have experienced this and maybe she has suggestions. Is she likely to be sympathetic and support you? Has she experienced your MILs behaviours?

I am in a similar situation with my own mother and my mother in law.
As a couple, although we are from different cultures we do share the same family values and love our mothers. Having lost our fathers we both realise how precious life is and how short it can be.

We have made it work and we have a wonderful relationship with both of them. Its us that have had to compromise and run around , its been almost been 6 years and to be honest I think the whole experience has enriched our lives and the lives of our children.

My advice would be, not to try to hard and make so much effort initially as its not sustainable.

1. Be yourself not the dutiful daughter in law ( you seem quite genuine to try to make this work)
2. She is probably feeling anxious too. Compassion goes a long way. I don't think its a situation she wants to be in either.
3. If you love the way you husband is, your more than likely to trust her with your child. Our children are the centre of all our lives. I trust my mother in law completely. (I don't agree with everything though)
4. If there are any issues. I speak to my husband.

Usually if its minor, its just forgotten.

1. My mother in law does criticise me but to be honest I am not that person that is going to learn to eat rice with chop sticks or cook those vegetables the way she wants. It actually makes me even more determined not to do it...(stubborn streak inside me). But does it really matter in the end?

Why would anyone want their future babies raised by someone prone to frequent “screaming matches” - why would anyone expose their peaceful home, happy marriage and children’s emotional development to an aggressive, volatile tyrant? Her own son has already become estranged.

I definitely agree that in our culture mil have different expectations from son in laws in comparison to dils.
Both my mum and my mil expect nothing from their son in laws, never make any demands on them and hold them in high esteem.
Once my brother got married my mum left them to make their own lives and their decisions and rightfully so whereas my mil was very difficult, felt she had every right to control and criticise me and now that her younger son is also married she has moved her criticism over onto his wife. If my bil mentions housework she and her daughter jump in straight away to remind him that it's his wife's job!.thankfully my bil doesn't share the same feelings and they carry on living their lives as it works for them.
Sure Indian culture demands and expects the Dil to sacrifice herself for her in-laws but loads of Indian families have moved on with the times, and many dils release a huge sigh of relief when they hear of someone going against the grain as this makes things easier for them and others.