MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Have you considered taking up narcotics? (This is a joke btw, probably poor) Seriously op, this is going to be well tough. I’m yr mils age and I couldn’t think of anything worse than moving in with my kids. There’s going to have to be a bit of give and take, for instance furniture-can select bits stay in her Room? Everything else, phew. You want her to cook, but don’t want her touching the kitchen layout. (My mum reorganised my cupboards on a Christmas visit btw)
I dunno, sign her up to Bumble?

[Chamomileteaplease]

Think about what you would be the result of not having MIL to live with you:

your dh's relations would not speak to him anymore
your dh would feel guilty

Think about what would happen if you do have MIL to live with you:

Your marriage is bound to suffer, immensely, that's the saddest thing
Your peace of mind, your sanity will suffer
You will become anxious and depressed - very likely
You will work full time and come home to the opposite of respite
You will feel stressed for 30 years
So much more


If you really think you have to do this then I agree with others, MIL must have her own kitchen. Her own living room and bathroom is one thing but she must be self-sufficient. It's the only way.

Also, can you delay the move so that you can think about this more?

Once she's in she's not likely to get out.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think you should look for a house with an annex. Even if it uses half her money from the sale of her house she will still be able to have an income.

It sounds like hell to me. I love my MIL, she's wonderful. Couldn't live in the same house.

[cptartapp]

As a district nurse I saw this set up many a time. The DIL was almost always basically a skivvy. The fact she is willing to move in with you and encroach on your lives for the next 30 years or more says a lot about her as a person.

[Westfacing]

At 60 she is 5 years younger than I am - I thought you were going to say she's 85!

No matter the culture, there really is no need for a widow of that young age to move in with you. I know widows of varying 'traditional' cultures who live alone quite happily.

[frazzledasarock]

We had our grandmother live with us from when I was 12, she moved in when she became widowed, was supposed to alternate with my uncle.

It was awful. She was an evil, sour old crone.

She was still there after I’d moved out.

Unless you have a house with an annexe and she can live completely on her own independently there I wouldn’t do it.

I’d sooner move out myself, given the issues you’ve already listed you will not last a month. She’ll break you. She has nothing else to do, she will live for the arguments and fall outs it makes her life more fun and provides bitching opportunities.

Do you have a plan for what to do if it becomes utterly unbearable?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I am a year younger and if it hadn’t been for this global pandemic I would be over in the US starting my new business.

No way would I be looking for my dc to look after me. They are still teens and still live at home.

My mil sold the big family home and bought a 2 bed lock up and leave flat, took up Bridge and went on a lot of cruises.
But that was when she was 80. At 60 her and fil were still running their own business.

Instead of moving in with you which will just wreck everyone’s life. (Would you feel comfortable about moving into a house where you are not wanted) Could your mil not look at changing her lifestyle.

I know it is a cultural thing to move into your children’s home and be looked after but I thought that was for when the parents were quite elderly and infirm not a 60 year old healthy woman.

[HyacynthBucket]

She is 60. For heavens sake, that is not old - she needs to get on with her life, not just attach herself to yours forever. You are not responsibole for a healthy 60 year old and her future. Tell your DH that this is not going to work, and she will have to continue to live her own life in her own home. The future will be a nightmare if you let her in to your home to live, particularly when you have children.

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

@Pikachubaby l made clear to my ex husband it was fine if he wanted to move his parents into our house but l would move out. They were demanding and hard work at the best of times.

[gnushoes]

Christ, I'm nearly 60 and I wouldn't even dream of moving in with my kids. I can see this is a cultural thing but think your house is wrong. You need a granny flat which has its own kitchen and sitting room.

[Fi57]

Sorry but this won’t work. She’s only 60 that is not considered old anymore, unless she’s ill she doesn’t need looked after. Can she move closer to you? Maybe help her join some clubs, a part time job or volunteering?
I’m 63 and would be horrified at the thought of having to give up my home and move in with my daughter!

[achillesratty]

Don't do it. Do you realise what you are actually giving up? No more real privacy for the rest of your marriage, no spontaneous noisy sex on the sofa (or anywhere) only in your bedroom and even then quietly in case she hears (no matter how big your house is), no more walking around naked in your own home, no more being able to argue, scream or shout in case she hears, not being able to move if you want without considering her, not being able to paint your kitchen lime green or bright pink if you choose because she might not like it and it's her kitchen too. Having to endure every day being told you are doing even trivial things wrong? No thank you!

Some of those may be exaggerating but my Grandmother lived with my parents and it nearly destroyed their marriage.

It's useless saying lay down rules, she won't stick to them, why should she? I see other family members are not daft enough to let her move in with them.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I know you don’t want to divorce but you have to play this scenario like a video in your minds eye.

The only 2 outcomes are you spend the rest of your life miserable in a house that will never feel like your home and your future children and everyone around you will be made miserable or screwed up with the family dynamics or you divorce now and save your own sanity.

What would hour dh say if you said he had to choose

[user1465335180]

I'm speechless at the idea of his little old Mother of 60 who can't live by herself. I'm 62 and work, have friends and am not old thank you . My DP and I moved in with my DM but she was in her late 80s and had dementia.
The whole cultural thing I know makes it hard for you to say no but really it's just a hang over from the patriarchy, the rather insulting idea that no woman can run her life without a man, her DH is gone so she must live with her DS.
If you can make this work Op then I applaud you because the 2 years before my DM died tested me too the limit

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Also the fact that she won’t be moving in with either of his single brothers speaks volumes of who she is expecting to do all the work

[TwentyViginti]

@Westfacing

At 60 she is 5 years younger than I am - I thought you were going to say she's 85!

No matter the culture, there really is no need for a widow of that young age to move in with you. I know widows of varying 'traditional' cultures who live alone quite happily.

We are the same age then, *@Westfacing*. Bewildering that a woman of 60 expects to live with her DC.

[TheFaerieQueene]

Oh god OP. You have my unending sympathy. My only suggestion is, could you convert a room into a second kitchen for her use?

[WearyandBleary]

This will destroy you or your marriage, or both.

Why doesn’t she sell and move into your street? Or even next door?

[HyacynthBucket]

She is still way under retirement age. She does not need "looking after". Tell her to get her own life, and preferably a job to occupy her, so that she does not over-involve herself in your lives because she has nothing better to do.

[AutumnLeavesSeptember]

OMG 60 is super young!

If I had no other choice I'd raise all the money I could to buy a property with an annexe - a fully self-contained flat within the house, or in the garden. It would be different if she were in her late 70s and needing care. You need to try to future proof the situation if she's likely to be with you for decades rather than years.

[frazzledasarock]

Also, do you really want a woman who is really mean to you and thinks and tells you you're useless, to take care and have influence over your small impressionable future children?

How do you think your children will then go on to treat you?

[LifeOverAlready]

Thanks everyone! I was worried I was being really selfish, but at least now I know I'm not being completely unreasonable. Just to answer a few questions which have come up:

• firstly I'm so sorry if I caused any offence by implying 60 is elderly. I should have explained that this is also a cultural thing. I'm Indian and in our culture anyone with grown up children acts and calls themselves elderly. It's made worse by the fact that women of my parents and in laws generation had little choices and their lives revolved around their husbands (I get that times are changing now). Because of this they don't have hobbies, don't drive, have friends etc so tend to depend on their adult kids
• My fil passed away not long after we were married so I had no idea this would happen before marrying DH. If I'd known I'd have run a while and I do feel sorry for BIL in that respect
• My lovely mum lives with my brother now that he has moved to the area but before that she lived with me and DH. So it's been difficult for me to say no to MIL moving in, I seem like a huge hypocrite.
• The fallback option if (when) this goes wrong is that we'd put her in a flat close by which would be a huge deal and also we'd have to pay all the bills as she won't be working.
• I stupidly thought this could have worked as I have loads of cousins who are in this situation and have made it work somehow. I don't know how they do it.
• I realise how selfish I sound expecting her to cook but not letting her rearrange the kitchen to her liking so I will be cooking myself (very glad I asked). And I will pay for childcare. I was only going to accept her help as I thought if I have to do this then i may as well benefit from the situation. But you are all right...it's not worth the hassle plus I do not want to owe her anything.
• I will make sure I have plenty of hobbies myself to keep myself out of the house.

[giantangryrooster]

Agree with pp, buy a new house with separate mil annex. Unless a miracle happens (and she is as mellow as butter when she moves in) don't have children, you will be divorced within five years.

Please talk your dh out of it, but if you can't, I really think she should have her own furniture in her rooms.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Do the cousins make it work, or does it just look like that on the outside?

This isn't MIL bashing either, as I couldn't cope with my mum moving in, and I think DH would move even quicker than I would if his mum moved in!

[Bargebill19]

If you can’t move to somewhere with her own granny flat, I think you will have to lay down strict house rules before she moves in - that may be enough to put her off.
If she moves in, then can you set up a taxi account so she can call a taxi whenever she wants to go out, thus relieving you of some of the driving her about. Otherwise it will be time for you to either have a lot of hobbies or start to work late everyday...
But then, it might just work?