MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

[Elouera]

Is your DH and only child? Why cant she live with another relative? If she was widowed a few ago, why is she moving now? Why cant she continue to live on her own??? I realise there are cultural reasons here, but she is 60, not 90, and can certainly live independently- as she has done for the past few years.

IF the only option is her moving in, I'd build a separate granny flat in the garden with her own kitchen. It would give each of you independence and space! If a seperate building isnt an option, I'd reconfigure the inside of your home so she has her own flat inside and her own little kitchenette. You both need space. I'd also be booking her in for driving lessons. I wouldnt want her being so reliant on your and DH either. This would be my worst nightmare!

[TwentyViginti]

I don't understand this. I'm 65, live alone and wouldn't dream of moving in with my DC - nor would they expect me to ask!

Remember retirement age in the UK is now 66/67, so no way can she classed as elderly, in my view.

I get the expectations of culture, but surely she is too young for moving in with you?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re point number 6 have you never properly wondered either why his siblings have very little or in one case nothing to do with their now sole surviving parent. It is because of their mothers behaviour, that is why. She is intolerable and intolerant and she would test the patience of a saint, let alone your good self. You will basically be in for more of the same from her as before if she lives with you. There are good reasons too why she has no friends either and you need to take heed.

You can still change your mind and say no this is not going to work. Or are you afraid of your husband’s reaction.

[sunlight81]

As others have suggested.

Sell your house, Sell her house add it together and get a house with a separate annex where she can live independently yet be close to family if needed.

Then set boundaries!

[Iverunoutofnames]

no experience but sympathy.
DH talked about his mother moving in, luckily she had zero interest, I would have lasted days.
I can’t think of anything worse than another adult coming into our household. I think you need to say to your DH you are dreading it.

[Mascotte]

This just won't work.

Better to realise that now and make different arrangements.

[elenacampana]

Stand your ground and with any luck she’ll realise she was better off in her own house and tootle back there!

[MotherofTerriers]

If she has her own sitting room, is it large enough that you could fit a small kitchen in it?

[pickingdaisies]

OP, why is she moving in when she's still quite young? Whose idea is this?

[PersonaNonGarter]

You don’t need to suck it up.

Please be your own person and live your life with a bit of ownership. You can and should say No now.

[StoneCold316]

Are you Indian or Pakistani by any chance?

In the UK, even if you’re from these backgrounds, this isn’t really the done thing anymore. I’m British Indian and I don’t know anyone who moves their elderly relatives in anymore. It’s different if you all want to and it’s mutually agreed, but it isn’t a given and shouldn’t be done out of duty. You do have the right to say no.

My grandmother (94) lives on her own since my grandad passed away. My mum and her siblings, and us grandchildren, take it in turns to visit her daily and help out and spend time with her, because we love her and we want to. She would never let anyone move in though and she would never want to be a burden. Same with my parents. I left home for uni when I was 18 and never really went back.

This sort of outdated view is, thankfully, phasing out now. At 60 she is still young and should look at ways to occupy her time herself. It shouldn’t be up to you to look after her. Obviously it’s very sad that she has been widowed, but that doesn’t mean her life’s over and she moves in on yours.

Honestly, I would never want my dc to feel like they have to be responsible for me. You shouldn’t have to live with this.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Please have your own kitchen. It is so important not to be forced to play second in the key family space.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

From your post it sounds like you are going to be the lodger and she is the one running the house.
She is the one to do all the cooking
She is the one to look after the children
She will be the one who spends more time in the house.

Very soon I foresee you staying at work later and later to limit the time you spend at home

My only suggestion is 2 kitchens and not expecting her to cook or do childcare.

If she has to live with you then it would have to be completely separately.
Only coming over for set meals a couple of times per week.

You could move to a place with a completely separate annexe in the garden which would give a physical separation between you.

Having to think about accommodating someone you don’t really like and the decisions that you make as a couple over the next 30 years sounds too much.

What if you decide you want to go and live in Spain and she doesn’t want to. Or your job presents you with an opportunity to go to New York for a year?

This will only end badly and I wish I could advise a perfect solution but this is your one life and you don’t get the time back.

I also feel sorry for your BIL
Any potential wife I think will run a mile if on marrying BIL they also get MIL thrown in.

[Willowkins]

You will need respite. Can you get an assurance that she will have her own holidays so that you can get some time to yourselves?
Also, I'm curious - are you planning to move in with your children when you're 60?

[somewomenneedaslap]

If there is no medical issues and she has her own house I don't understand why she needs to live with you?

[thegreylady]

She will feel awkward too. She should be able to furnish her own rooms with her own furniture without impinging on your space. This will be her home. She will not be a guest in your home. If you can’t do this with care and a degree of affection then you can’t do it at all.

[Fanthorpe]

I’m wondering if you knew what the deal was when you got married? Did you just hope she would be moving in much later?

There’s no advice here really, you’ve laid out very clearly that your MIL has no boundaries and a clear expectation that she’s doing exactly what was planned all along. You won’t change her or her relationship with her son.

You can try and live a more separated life but that’s going to make you hugely resentful, isn’t it? When you have children you’re going to face issues, it sounds like she has fixed views on roles and responsibilities.

Personally I’d have arranged for her to live nearby in a nice apartment and got my DH to visit her every day.

She’s only 60 and she’s allowing other people to run her life for her, what a shame.

[Aquamarine1029]

Her moving in is going to destroy your marriage, and having children with her constantly criticising and undermining you would be intolerable.

Tell your husband this is not happening. If he chooses his mother over you, he can go live with her and you will be filing for divorce.

[barryfromclareisfit]

62. Moved in with DD and her family on 14 March for lockdown, did thirteen weeks without a break. Since lockdown eased a bit, I come back to my own house for weekends. I'm shielding and being childcare while they work from home.
    
    I have my own bedroom and bathroom. As you have space and are thinking your MIL might be with you forever, I'd suggest you put a small kitchen into her rooms, so she can be totally self-sufficient.
    
    My grandparents looked after their elderly at home, and had a rule that the husband and wife ate together in the evening. Grandparents ate early and went to their rooms for the night at around 6pm. Operating that routine works for me. DD often says she'd be happy if I joined them in the evening, but actually, no, she can't stand it!
    
    Don't let her take over your kitchen, or running your lives. You won't enjoy it. She might, but you won't.

[Linguistically]

I think I can guess the cultural expectations around this. Age is perceived differently in different cultures - in a Western context, 60 is not old but by virtue of being a mother with grown-up children the MIL will be viewed as a family elder. As the OP has said, it's also viewed as neglectful for adult children not to 'care for' family elders, and that includes sharing a home. In Western culture, generally there is an emphasis on independence and the rights of the individual, in other cultures the emphasis shifts to the family unit and the collective. Neither are wrong - they are simply different ways of being. However, it is difficult for people brought up and living in a Western society to adjust to the expectation of collective living, even if they belong to a culture where this was normalised.

I think ground rules here are really important. I have friends who live with their in-laws and it ranges from unhappy to relatively peaceful coexistence. The best cases are where the MIL is relatively independent, which it doesn't sound like yours is. If you can encourage her to develop hobbies and greater social connections of her own, she is less likely to be as involved and invested in your life. It sounds like you have plenty of space, which is helpful. I think that being assertive and direct will definitely help too.

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

She’s only 60?! Why can’t she sort out her own life with work, volunteering, friends etc. It’s not what you need by the sounds of it and l would say no to her moving in. She already sounds a pain and will try to take over. Like my ex MIL she will try to rule the roost and get annoyed if you stand up to her

[UncleShady]

This could work but not in the set up you currently have. She needs her own kitchen, for a start. In a completely self contained annex or next door, it would work. She's only 60 - not even retirement age.

[Onekidnoclue]

Gosh this sounds hideously stressful. I agree with the idea of driving lessons and that a house with a separate annex would be far better - though perhaps not a practical option.
Would she consider a job? Or even volunteering? Working in a charity shop? Something to get her out the house and meeting people.
I think you will really need to pick your battles and it sounds as though the kitchen will be an area of contention. Is this one you want to fight? Or would you be happy for her to be ‘queen’ in the kitchen if she follows your rules elsewhere? Perhaps I’d rather she learnt to drive than got precious about her rearranging my tins but we’re all different.
Good luck OP. It sound tough but your DH sounds like he’s understanding which is massive. X

[Peach1886]

As PPs have suggested, either sell both houses and buy somewhere with a self-contained bit for MIL, or make one of the sitting rooms hers and put a kitchen into it. Then you can eat together once or twice a week but mostly each do your own thing.

We are starting to think about similar issues, with my DDad who is nearly 80, and the only way it's going to work is if we all have enough of our own space and only spend time together when we want to, not 24/7 everyday.

[arianwe]

Oh my god, I couldn't think of anything worse.

I have absolutely no useful advice, except I really wouldn't let her move in. Yes, half the family might disown you but I think the alternative is that your marriage would be over within a few years.

There is no way anyone could deal with constantly being told what to do/how to do things and interfering all the time. It would cause so much strain and pressure and anyone would end up snapping, which also wouldn't go down well with the family.

Urg, I feel for you. What a crap situation. Sorry about no useful advice!!