MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

Hi OP, I have unfortunately not read the whole thread for lack of time.
As I am also Indian so I fully sympathise with the various cultural issues. You may have dealt with this already above but my question is over monies. You state that she has retired , so does she not have a pension ( either of her own or a widow's pension) to support her?
I am 64 next month and live totally on my own. Though I seek help from certain family members every now and then, I keep these requests to a minimum. Though I drive I don't own a car and rely on public transport 90% of the time. We are lucky that in current times we can buy everything on line to be delivered.
I wish you the best of luck as it is not going to be easy.

I would let her move and be as sweet as anything (infront of your DH especially) and let her show her true colours. If she upsets you hopefully it will be infront of him and he can see how difficult life will be with her.

Another good point. When I had DS, within an HOUR of MIL arriving to visit him, she'd started putting her oar in in a way that was not helpful. I left the room and heard Dh speaking to her in their language so I knew something was going down - they actually speak English to each other 90% of the time. Later, I found out he told her, "Bling is DS' mum so she decides if he's hungry, needs a nap or whatever. Please don't interfere" or similar. It did wonders. Not only took the wind out of her sails, but really gave me the confidence to refuse to listen to her when she was, for example, telling me I should leave him to cry. At one point I said to her that she had her opinion and I had mine but in this instance the decisions are all mine. I don't know if I'd have felt confident saying that if I didn't 100% know that DH had my back.

You said she 'might' learn to drive when she moves in, but WHY isnt she learning NOW???

Also, what has changed that she suddenly wants to move in now, if she's been a widow for years???

go part-time if they can't afford childcare

Some of us wanted to look after our own children.

I can’t imagine a 60 year old is going to pass her driving test very quickly (I say this as someone who learnt when they were 40), especially if they really really don’t want to do it.

When you have children would you expect to move in with them? I think it’s time to break the cycle personally. I think when she does actually get older and needs help then maybe reconsider. Once she moves in it’s going to be almost impossible to get out and she will become less independent, not more. This is the rest of your life and frankly you will have to contend with 2 against 1 on lots of issues. It’s not like she’s 80 and there is an end in sight,
I’d say she moves closer for now as compromise.

Moving in as a ‘test run’ seems like a very bad idea - much, much, much harder to ask her to leave (“kicking me out” “making me homeless”) than to say no in the first place.

But why would you want someone to be looking after your children 9am to 11pm, what is the point of having children if you don't spend anytime with them between those hours on a regular basis? Are you just bringing them up to be money makers so they can look after their parents in their old age?

You won’t be able to kick her out once she’s in your house. There’s no way she will willingly move out.

I would get her to sell her house and buy a small flat near you.

I’d far rather be the bad one now, then suffer and end up being the bad DIL any way. If she’s anything like my grandma was (and most Indian women are), she’ll bitch about you no matter what anyway. So I’d do what’s best for you here.

Also if she doesn’t move from your house what are the implications of you end up wanting to divorce your husband and need to sell your house as part of the divorce settlement and she’s also living there?

OP my heart breaks for you reading this.

You have ONE life. You can't give up feeling happy in your own home for a 'tradition'.

Please don't submit, you're worth more

@Sittinonthefloor

Moving in as a ‘test run’ seems like a very bad idea - much, much, much harder to ask her to leave (“kicking me out” “making me homeless”) than to say no in the first place.

Yep. Absolute this.

Be the so called "bad one" here and do not let her move into your home under any circumstances, let alone for some ill advised short term trial run. You will never get her out once in your home and she would not willingly leave even if your marriage was on the rocks.

Neither of her other two sons want her living with them (and as you mentioned previously one of them moved out young and has nothing more to do with her), there are indeed good reasons why that is the case.

@Sittinonthefloor

Moving in as a ‘test run’ seems like a very bad idea - much, much, much harder to ask her to leave (“kicking me out” “making me homeless”) than to say no in the first place.

Yup!

Also, letting Op's husband see for himself how bad things are-tbh if he's so adamant that she moves in I don't think he'll care!

@indianmils

What would happen if you told her to stop telling you what to do in your own home or for her to do it if she can do so much better.

My dd won't let me say anything if I am in her house and we tread on eggshells with her dd. We try not to impose and help her out but tactically.

My own mum is very much the same and is grateful for hospitality etc

Thanks, you guys are right. A trial won't work at all. Her moving in was the plan as soon as FIL passed away but she waited a few years to retire as our house was a complete fixer upper when we bought it 3 years ago and wasn't ready for her to move in. Trust me she would have moved in straight away if she could. She was a lot nicer back then and I never witnessed any of their arguments so I didn't see all these issues coming (very naive I know). DH always tells me not to take any of her jibes seriously because she is stupid. No filter. No social etiquette. Etc. She does have a lot of savings and a small pension to be fair. I will have a good talk with DH but I know there's no way I'm spending the rest of my life depressed

OP does your MIL actually want to move in with you. I am 68 and can't think of anything worse that moving in with any of my sons and their respective partners, even though I love them all very much, and we all get on and that is something I don't want to spoil. I just don't want to involve myself in their lives and I want my own space.
I don't any of them feeling they would need to look after me if I were on my own, I've told them all I am happy to go into sheltered housing .or a home!
What I am trying to say is would she prefer to live in a flat nearby so she has her own space or has the suggestion not been made or even considered?

You have to say no and come up with an alternative solution.
Move her into a flat really nearby/sell up yourselves and buy somewhere with a proper annexe so it has its own kitchen and living area/tell DH’s siblings they need to be the solution.

She sounds lonely and in some ways caring if overbearing. It’s not her fault that her culture doesn’t encourage her to remarry or move on with her life and find independence.
At only 60 it’s hardly ideal for her to be essentially an unwanted guest in a home that will never be her own.

I’d sell it her your DH and MIL like that tbh- that she needs her own space to arrange and furnish it how she likes- It isn’t fair in her or you to say your place can’t take her things.

The fact you haven’t had kids yet is really important. Once babies arrive it is impossible to tip toe around anyone else in the house- picture yourself with boobs out, milk leaking, tears of frustration and exhaustion all over your face, yesterday’s pizza on the floor- that’s all normal and part of the baby stage- you can’t do that with someone living there you aren’t close to and are likely to be in conflict with or who you feel judged by. You don’t want to feel you have to hide in your bedroom. There is a very real risk she will take over and tell you how to parent and that will be a disaster for your mental health.

You will end up hating her and possibly your DH too. It is not a situation to bring a baby into.

Please stop this now. Explain it’s not going to work and go back to considering the other options. Your life and you only get one shot.

Is she not allowed or encouraged to remarry?

Is this to do with finances?

So she only did not move in earlier because your house was still being renovated?!.

Overbearing people like your husbands mother are not caring people either. She basically wants someone I.e you people now to further enable what she has become accustomed to I.e being waited on hand and foot and without being challenged,

I also doubt that she will ever learn how to drive let alone try and gain employment.

@ineedaholidaynow I grew up in Singapore. Professionals work those hours. My mum could cover both European and American timezones. My cousins in Singapore who work for accouting firms are working till 3 am.

That's why a lot of outsourcing is to Asian countries , people work those hours (and are also cheaper). And the reason they are able to is not because they don't have children but because the children are cared for by nannies and supervised by grandparents. The Asian system of extended family makes this kind of crazy working hours sustainable.

Its a different system but for OP, her MIL is very much adhering to this system despite being in the UK.

Would she consider something like sheltered accommodation? Is there anything like that near you? She could then have her own space but also shared spaces, so have company and then hopefully make friends, get some hobbies. She could then moan about the evil DIL to anyone who would listen!

I'd stick her in a shed in the bottom of the garden, breezily trill "see you when you're 80!" and shut the door

As others have said, a separate annex etc. She is so young. Most of us have to work til 67/68 now. If she speaks English, I realise that maybe she doesn't, she could join the WI for friends and regular activities aka getting a life and out of your hair. It's the age that is freaking me out on your behalf. Way to young for her to give up on real life and move in with you. You haven't even had children yet so will never know what your marriage is like as a little family without MIL there at every turn.

" DH always tells me not to take any of her jibes seriously because she is stupid."

That's awful.

Belittling his mum as a way of shutting you down.

Oh OP, I'm from the same background but no one I know would do this. My own parents are older than your MIL and they wouldn't dream of being cared for (my mom has repeatedly told us she wants to go in a home if she is unable to live alone).

I agree that she will bitch about you anyway, everyone will know every small disagreement between you and her and you and your DH. I would seriously recommend her living close by, once she moves in it will be impossible to get her to leave.

I think you need to be upfront with your DH but also to her, if she says 'you should cut this, this way' just say 'no I will do it my way' she will get bored. My late DGM lived with my parents and this is what my DM did and my DGM just stopped as my DD would then say to her 'she has said she doesn't want to do it your way so leave her alone'. My parents have been married for 50 years and my DM says the hardest 5 years were with DGM living with them.

"her MIL is very much adhering to this system despite being in the UK."

I'm sure that some families want to live together.

It also seems based on need.

If the need is no longer there, then surely it doesn't have to happen unless all parties agree?