MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

OMG - 60!!!!! Similar age to me and there's no way on this earth I'd impose myself on any of my young adult dcs. Or any way I would want to.

I get that it's a cultural thing, but really!

My MIL moved in with us last year - she's 88. My dm moved close to (but not in with) my dsis when she was 87. Both of them would have thought we were off our heads if we'd suggested them doing that when they were 60.

Doesn't she value her independence and own space?

Gosh this is awful. I think your only hope is to talk to her about ground rules and be clear what you will and will not tolerate or I am not going to be your skivvy. I wouldn't do it but I'm not from your culture

DH and I have been together 16 years, his grandparents moved in with us when I was pregnant with our first. They stayed for 2 years, and we very helpful to have around. All that being said despite them being lovely I felt like a teenager living back at home. The only places to get alone time were the bathroom and my bedroom. When DD was born I couldn’t sit in my living room boobs out and just concentrate on getting breastfeeding established which meant I didn’t leave my bedroom for weeks. I ended up with PND which I didn’t realise until much later when DD was 18 months and DH’s grandparents moved out and into a small flat. The relief I had at having my own space again was so overwhelming, I didn’t realise how tense and uncomfortable I had been all the time before.

My point with the above is that I struggled even if I didn’t realise how much at the time. DH’s grandparents were absolutely lovely people who were respectful, helpful and loving, yet there were still issues and occasional fall outs. Living with parents/grandparents is a complicated family dynamic and puts incredible amounts of pressure on couple relationships. The culture from which your family is from (I too am familiar with it, different culture but similar expectations from my fathers side of the family) where elders as expected to be respected and that it is your duty to both care for them and defer to them at the same time. I think you understand that as the woman it would be you being expected to be the one to defer. Your husband won’t have to make this same sacrifice, it will be him and his mum who are in control, and unless you are 10000% sure your husband is completely on your side I wouldn’t even consider entering into this arrangement. Even if things go well to begin with, once troubles start your husband is not going to feel like he can agree with you 100% for 100% of the time, he is going to feel that he is being unfair to his mother. Over time your boundaries will be eroded and the only person not benefiting from this arrangement will be you causing anger and resentment. Your husband will ultimately end up in the middle between his mother and you, and unfortunately among this culture it will be very difficult for him to initially and even continually go against his mother.

Even if you relationship somehow miraculously survives living with his mother, it is unlikely to be a happy relationship. Also the person who will have made the most sacrifices (you) will also be the most miserable. Also don’t expect any thanks for these sacrifices because it’s likely you won’t get it, because what you would be doing is only what is right and indeed expected of any DIL and is what any good DIL should do and be happy to do.

Proceed with extreme caution!!!

I’ve got a good test. After she’s been to visit are you relieved that she’s gone. Imagine she never goes.

OP,
Fantastic advice from above, detailing Armageddon!

They are not wrong.

You sound like a great woman.
Indeed your instinct to run from this situation, would have been the correct one.

You are so very young.

Yes indeed, move this dragon in, and your peace is gone as you know it, never to return.

Her other sons are definitely wiser than your husband, who dismisses both his mother and your feelings very easily when she is inappropriate. This is a big old red flag from him.

I too, do NOT believe, he has your back.
He has his own back!

Delighted to read you will retain your career, I have no doubt you will need it.

Your husbands charms won't long pale significantly if he moves his mother in....believe me.

You write that he is a great man, and he may be...but I suggest you test out the word NO onfirmly , him regarding his mother moving in, to get a real flavour of the man he is.

We tend to see people a little clearer when we tell them NO.
How will he react to NO?
How will he react to you not accepting his word as law?

I ask this because if she moves in and behaves badly, you seem very very sure that he will have your back.

I wouldn't be sure at all.

The reason being that most men who valued their wife and marriage, would NOT risk the relationship to move in their difficult, annoying, mother.

Proceed with caution OP.

Wishing you well

OP,
An alternative way of looking at this is that it would be massively unfair on your MIL to let her move in when you have these reservations about her. You can't let someone move in then expect them to live there as some sort of second class citizen who has to abide by a series of 'rules'. That would be cruel.

I wouldn't be able to live in a household where everyone wasn't treated as an equal member.

At the very least the OP should let her MIL know what she thinks and expects of the arrangement BEFORE the MIL moves. It's a mistake to think that the OP is saving people's feelings by keeping quiet.

Some things that are done in the name of 'culture' are so outdated it's crazy.

Also not sure about all the suggestions to discuss the ground rules before MIL moves in

Isn't it obvious that the cultural impulse driving her to do this is the same one which will make her feel entitled to patronise OP and treat her like a skivvy?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Also not sure about all the suggestions to discuss the ground rules before MIL moves in

Isn't it obvious that the cultural impulse driving her to do this is the same one which will make her feel entitled to patronise OP and treat her like a skivvy?

I'm sure OP's MIL would be only too affable and agree to the house rules before she moves in. Different story, of course, once she's in and settled.

So what’s your DJ said?

Dh

Emigrate!

This would make me re-consider my relationship. I think an annexe with her own kitchen is the only compromise. You’re right, she could easily be around for the next 30 years. Jesus. 😢

"DH, let's have this conversation again, if and when she gets to the stage where she does need help, and is not just looking for company and a new purpose in life now FIL has died".

Nope, wouldn’t have that at all. Times change, and she is in UK where it is not expected to have parents move in. Also, why are you paying her bills? When you have kids, they are costly but are you still going to find her life? She’s not ill or infirm, but what if she got dementia... no way. I’d rather leave my dh.

Do you have room to create another kitchen for her? That is the only way I would do it.
Ideally, moving to a house with a. Self contained annexe would be the best solution.

Yeah to be fair I do have options. And DH has told me that he will move her to a flat nearby if I really can't do it. The only reason I felt I didn't have a choice is because i made the mistake of saying yes a few years ago and felt I was backtracking. Also didn't want to put DH in an awkward position and because moving her in is just such a normal thing to do within our families (I know this might seem really strange). You guys have given me a lot to think about thanks

OMG it will be horrendous

You will hate your home, life everything.

Can't she buy a smaller place very close to you, but not live with you?

One brother has escaped and the other could move in with her?

Whatever you decide to do think about if it was YOUR mum in this situation. I know it’s very easy to give advice to just think of your needs but not everything is as black and white. Your husband feels it’s his duty in the Indian culture to look after his mum and his mum has lost her husband. imagine if you’re SIL sat down with your mum and told her the rules of the house what she could and not not do! There are ways to approach this so think very carefully how you would want YOUR mum treated.

Have an open and honest conversation with your husband where both of your feelings are discussed and you both come up with a solution that suits you both. You will have kids one day and you will be a MIL one day. Yes you will have confidence and knowledge how to live on your own and enjoy your life when you’re 60 but she is from another country where it was the norm that mothers move in with their sons. Just have compassion when making your decision. Even if she does not move in with you at least you’ve had an open discussion with husband and thought about his feelings in this too.

I have an elderly Aunt living with me - 95 ! Also from a culture that expects it. But she is genuinely in need and I dont expect it to last too long. However , she is the reason that I cant sell up and leave my husband. And despite her age , we have had some huge disagreements. She had always been my elder and treats me as such. A technique I have learned is to absently answer things like , " Oh , must try that ", " Mm that is interesting ..." etc... But it is not easy. I also have an adult DC home now who is also rearranging my kitchen !

You said you agreed to this a while ago. I would tell her and your DH , that OBVIOUSLY , MIL is way too capable and independent to want to live with you at her age. And she will want to go home to her own place after looking after DCs all day!Get a place near you so she feels secure and hold out the possibility of moving in when MUCH older .

I think cultural expectations like this are rooted in a way of thinking that looking after elderly parents was an extension of women's work and it has always wound me up that it is lauded as an exemplar of how to treat the elderly whilst more often than not it was wives suffering with extra caring burdens with difficult family members. Obviously not always the case and I'm sure it can work well but I couldn't do it.

If your dh is happy with the flat option then go for it. It might be an idea to have regular slots when she knows she will see you - Wednesday supper at hers, Sunday supper at yours so she always knows she’ll be seeing you soon.

@wizzbangfizz Often it is lack of space, lack of welfare system in Asian countries. Western countries have had a fairly good ride, with well established welfare systems and social safety net. Many in your parents and grandparents' generations have benefited from the property boom and had salaries that grew with time- and so are in a great position for retirement and western societies are less ageist- so easy for them to find fulfilling employment in their 60s. When I was a kid in Singapore, It was so common to have grandparents living with you, particiularly that generation had very little education and were mostly in menial jobs (we don't even have a minimum wage) so they had zero retirement savings. They therefore found it more fulfilling to keep house and care for grandchildren. However now, as society is richer, it has become less common and young people generally only live with parents until they buy their own property.

I wonder if 3 generation living might become more common in the UK as the housing stock becomes more scarce and Generation Rent is in their 70s, combined with shrinking wages. In the past, it was taboo to live with your parents past the age of 18 but now so many people (including myself) lived with parents in their 20s to save for a deposit. I don't expect there would be a state pension by the time I turn 67 (and the private pension would not yield very much) and this would mean that many people would have to rely on the equity of their house to survive. Not everyone can work into their 70s as they may have health problems. And for Generation Rent, that may mean they can't afford housing and have to move in with their children. Even those who own houses may find that the equity alone from selling may not yield enough to pay all bills and medical expenses (who knows how long the NHS would last?)

But I think thats why its probably not a good idea for OP to do it, she isn't in that time period or situation when it made sense to do it.

"But I think thats why its probably not a good idea for OP to do it, she isn't in that time period or situation when it made sense to do it."

I think that that's the point.

It's rooted in need.

I'm sure things were different before the NHS & people having to move away for work.

Op's MIL has her own house, which she could sell or rent out & rent something smaller herself.

She has savings, a pension & could work if she wanted to.

She's not without options & I think should be looking into what she could do for herself first!

Why does your DH “have to stand up to her all the time” ?

How actually difficult is this woman?

She sounds intolerable - when she is not even living with you.

No one should have to tolerate her critical, dominating, controlling and intrusive behaviours even now when she doesn’t live with you.

Do either of you know anyone else this controlling?

YOU know in your gut this is wrong and will have a massively negative impact on your MH, self esteem, marriage and motherhood. It is likely all going to be tainted and ruined.

No matter what practical steps or swerving manoeuvres you build into the set up it will never be enough for these types. She will he stalking you in your own home and you will have to be hyperalert to anticipate her next move whilst you suppress your anger ...... which will just build and build over little and big things and you could lose your mind.

Seriously this is no way to live.
The issue is not about culture - the issue is a v v difficult person.