MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

Thanks everyone. To be fair our garden is large enough for an annex and we do have the funds for building it (even if she doesn't sell her home to fund it). I just wasn't sure if an annex would work and wait for it....annexes are also frowned upon in our culture (of course!). But it's the only compromise .

It sounds so toxic. Miserable.

It is time to break with this “tradition” OP. Find a compromise, such as a nearby flat.

@LifeOverAlready I would go for the annex. It sounds like the best way.

All I can see are the potential difficulties and dramas. I know its a cultural expectation for you but i think it could be fraught with disaster. Especially if she Is going to do all the cooking. Of course she will take over and it could be worse if you have children. I agree sell both properties and buy a house with a granny annex that she can live in seperately. You can have some meals together and she is there but you get your privacy and independence. And encourage her to get out and have a social life. 60 is young!!!!

But would she be at your door all the time wanting to join you? To be fair, even if she annoyed me, if I knew she was sitting next door lonely and eating by herself in the evening, I might be tempted to invite her round, so defeating the object of an annex.

I think that is where a flat near you might be better, although I suppose she could be constantly on the phone to you.

So what if its frowned on. Its your life. Maybe break the mould and life a slightly different way. I bet loads of others would be envious

Well if an annexe is frowned upon she might as well be independent elsewhere!

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!

Put it to her, smaller flat nearby or an annexe but make it clear that your house is not being shared.

Can I ask how long your Mother stayed with you both @LifeOverAlready?

I bet it wasn't for 30 years.

Thank you, you've all made me see there are other options. I know it's silly but I just couldn't think for myself and couldn't tell if I was being unreasonable. I know this set up works for lots of people but if I'm having doubts already then I can see it's unlikely to work for me.

Sounds awful. No way I'd be putting myself through that. Cultural expectation or not.

How are you ever going to relax in your own house?

I lived with my MIL (at her house) for nearly a year when we were temporarily homeless. It was very nice that she helped us out but it was awful.

I had a baby and a toddler and was on my knees with exhaustion. She did approx 5 mins childcare in the first 10 months, so dont necessarily expect this. Also the kitchen and food was an issue. I was breast feeding, but couldn't control what or how much I was eating. I was constantly on edge from all the "advice" I got from her, which just felt like criticising (though it wasn't meant like this I am sure).

My advice would be firstly don't do it. If you HAVE tto, then you have to carve out private spaces eg bedroom and lounge (both hers and yours) are not entered into by the other, ever. Make this clear up front. Then also you need separate kitchens and at least 2 nights a week when you don't eat together. Basically, she needs an annex. Honestly, it's the only way.

A well stocked liquor cabinet and a side of cyanide cause I could NEVER live with my MIL

I think you are making a lot of assumptions in your planning.

Assuming anything that is agreed re boundaries/ground rules will be adhered to. You don't want MIL to live with you but have agreed, no way will you kick her out if she flouts your rules. She knows this 1000%

Your house will stay 'your' home. Yes but it will also be hers and she will expect to treat it as such.

You will have children which she will then help you with.If she does, you are assuming this will be beneficial.

You will be financially better off. If DH currently pays her bills, has she mentioned contributing or will you still be paying utilities and food for another person whilst she keeps the money from the rent. She may dangle help/contributions whether financial or childcare which she then uses to control you.

You are also assuming that your situation will not change dramatically requiring a major housemove or change of lifestyle. So many of my friends have been blindsided by bereavement, divorce, child with additional needs, redundancy or they just want to move for better schools or promotion.

What would happen if your DH and you did divorce? Would you be forced out of the family home? What if you had children by this point? At the very least, I think you should speak to a solicitor about any possible implications. I am sorry though. I have never heard of a relative (NOT elderly!) move in with such a young couple who did not have children yet.

I bet this set up doesn’t work as well as it might look from the outside. I am sure many times it is done for duty rather than love, and I bet there are quite a few unhappy families both DILs and MILs.

Why is she moving so early? I mean shes only 60! I would most certainly not be letting her in the house. Sorry! She needs a life and not meddle in yours. I cant see this ending well. Sorry OP.
People change, resentment builds. I am guessing it will get worse when the kids come. She will completely take over.

Well, on the plus side you have done a very comprehensive SWOT analysis, and you sound really lovely.🙂
I’ve only read your posts, and was wondering what job she had held before retiring? Is there any possibility she could be encouraged to volunteer in a similar field and meet her own circle of friends? I’m thinking if she was teaching, reading in school, in retail , charity shop, an accountant , a charity trustee? That sort of thing?
She’s only a few years older than me and can’t imagine her scenario and expecting people to pander to me and escort me everywhere.

If you really have no choice, I would move to a home with A granny flat. That way she can have her own home and you can have your own home, but she is right there on your property so you are doing your duty.

You sound like you feel as though you ought to be grateful for potential childcare (if you have kids) and cooking (which you’re perfectly able to do yourself), it’s quite disturbing how you have kept stating in your OP over and over again about how you shouldn’t be ungrateful. The reality is, if you have kids and she’s living with you, it will be hell. It will likely ruin your enjoyment of your new baby. You will want space and peace and privacy and be unable to get it. She’ll want to parent the baby like she’s the mother and you’ll feel physically sick and nauseous and territorial and upset and stressed. She will force outdated advice on you. Trust me, you will not be grateful she’s there. I would rather care for my child alone for every hour of their life than have a relative living with us contributing.

Personally I love my DH to bits, we have a home and a child and we’re happy together. But if it was a condition of continuing our relationship that his mother moved in (and she’s nowhere near as bad as your MIL, she’s fine) i wouldn’t hesitate to divorce. Life is too short to live in misery. I felt quite sick reading your post imagining being in your position. I’d feel like my life was about to be over. I couldn’t mentally withstand it.

Lol at the cheery ‘book her driving lessons’ posts. Yeah cos a 60 year old who has never learned to drive before will just change their entire personality and leap at the chance. Nope. You’re her free taxi. For life.

If you’re absolutely hell bent on doing this then my advice for a strategy is to be SO firm and assertive with your boundaries and behaviours she finds it intolerable and moves out of her own volition.

DH is from a similar culture and before marrying we discussed all this and I made it crystal clear we are never having parents or other family move in, no matter what. End of. I wouldn’t hesitate to walk away if needs be. Being able to go home to my own place at the end of the day and relax and breathe a sigh of relief and not be on edge would be worth being alone considering the alternative.

Don’t let her move in as once she’s in it’ll be impossible to get her out. Your DH isn’t going to do it. She won’t go easily and he isn’t going to have the stomach for actually removing her from the property physically. You can’t make her leave against her will. Bear that in mind.

Hiya - I’m sorry about this situation. Not RTFT

Two words for you - Granny Annexe

I would find an architect and builder tomorrow.

Just because it's your culture, doesn't mean you have to live it! It would be bad enough if she had a self-contained flat and her own front door, but sharing a kitchen - horrendous.
She's younger than I am. There is no reason at all why she shouldn't get out there, get a job, volunteer, make friends - do what every other 60-year-old is planning on doing for at least the next 20 years!
These should be some of the happiest years of your life - she will ruin them!

I want to remain financially independent. At least then if it does go horribly wrong I have the funds to up and leave

Very wise, OP, but how's that going to work if more and more of the care falls to you, and both DH and yourself already work full time?

Remembering you just said that "you couldn't think for yourself" about this, how sure are you that it wouldn't suit your DH just fine for you to become financially dependent on him and therefore have fewer options?

Happily divorced here - and xH was Middle Eastern not Indian. But there are some similarities in terms of "cultural" expectations re. parents and their expectations re. a right to meddle.

Although not, immediately at least, why we got divorced, I think of the three months exMIL spent at ours as the worst of my life. Bar none.

We went into this as a happy, young, carefree couple. He was a secular, socially liberal Muslim and I a socially liberal, lefty atheist. We were innocent, married for only a few years, still in love and had the whole world ahead of us.

We came out of this with him convinced I was having an affair with my then boss - and me actually wishing he was right on account of this meaning some white knight was about to swoop in and save me from this nightmare, fairy tale princess style. What actually happened was: I started an emotional affair not with a person but with my work as such - at least that was where I'd get praise and recognition for a good job and criticism that was meant to help me grow.

What happened in between was: he regressed deeply back into his childhood and failed to keep any of the promises he'd made to me re. this still being my home and my life still being mine to determine.

I, likewise, was young and a tad immature and responded in kind - by wearing shorter dresses when asked to please "cover up a bit due to MIL's sensitivities" and serving up baked beans out of a can when criticised for my cooking. It was hell!

We ultimately survived and got divorced a few years later over something entirely unrelated.

But three months of "MIL in the house" sufficed to kill any naive illusions either of us had re. any romantic notions of love conquering it all. It doesn't.

Sorry if this is not helpful or what you want to hear. But that's what happened to us.

We're still friends. We both still regret we did this to ourselves.

Lol at the cheery ‘book her driving lessons’ posts

That was one of mine, along with suggesting MIL secure a job before moving in, but don't worry I wouldn't actually expect her to do it ... I just thought that asking MIL establish some independence as a condition might help to stave it all off a bit