MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

I think you need to devise some phrases that indicate she is in your home. And use the same thing each time.
"yes but I like to do it this way."
"Yes but here in our house we dont do it like that"
"I like to clean like this"
"This is my method I know you did it differently at yours"
Dont belittle just insist its your home your rules without actually stating it.
Good luck.

Yeah to be fair I do have options. And DH has told me that he will move her to a flat nearby if I really can't do it. The only reason I felt I didn't have a choice is because i made the mistake of saying yes a few years ago and felt I was backtracking. Also didn't want to put DH in an awkward position and

OK. Back tracking now is a v wise move. A slight discomfort now for your DH vs a nightmare for you all for 30 years.

Also if she is in a flat the other 2 brothers should take on the cost equally - rather than you and your DH shouldering it. Also it keeps the options open down the line if/when the other get married there is an option for her to move in with them.

Also does she have routines and community where she is now - because it would be a shame for her to lose those and have to start again.

Could you not have a rota between the 3 sons where they each went to visit once a month or she came to them?

Because if she is near you she will be v dependent on you socially round the clock.

Move out of this obligation fallacy and do what’s best for your MH, your marriage and your future children. You could end up v v miserable, divorced and with a dysfunctional family life.

Bite the bullet. Do it calmly and persistently. Don’t worry about who judges you - be confident that this is a decision you are taking that is best for the happiness of your marriage and future children.

The thing is it sounds like you love your husband which is great.

But people fall out of love all the time!

Having his mother foisted on your home life is one sure sign to take the gloss off your marriage.

Whatever you decide, if you do end up having her imposed on you, make sure your contraception is absolutely bullet proof.

I wouldn't dream of considering starting a family, which would completely compromise YOUR independence and options to leave your marriage, until you are fully confident and happy with your housing arrangements.

Do NOT be encouraged to start a family by your husband, if your MIL does move in.
This would trap you.
Don't fall for it.

"Why does your DH “have to stand up to her all the time” ?"

Because she takes no notice?

**"Why does your DH “have to stand up to her all the time?"

Because she has tried to tell us what to do multiple times so DH has to tell her no. To be fair she does listen to him every time but it just always involves an argument between them first before she eventually gives in.

Exactly my point Diddl - this is a v difficult person - who has never and will never change their negative, critical, demanding, belittling, controlling behaviours.

Also IME these types get worse with age - more entrenched and bitter - and they are also way worse out of their comfort zone because they are more anxious and people flip to trying to control their external environment in a (failed) attempt to deal with their rising internal anxiety. You can expect her behaviours to escalate.

The constant pecking whilst being told No repeatedly shows that she just moves on to picking on something else - she hasn’t got the overall message that her behaviour is intrusive, rude, unwelcome and overbearing......or maybe she has but feels entitled enough to keep going?

I know you say it's culture and there's no other option but seriously - if it's going to make you THIS miserable - why is there no other option? Why is her happiness more important than yours? As for the rest of the family, to be quite honest it's none of their business and if they would be that outraged then can one of them not take her in?

OP,
So she listens to him but only as the result of an argument.

Can you imagine how many arguments and how much strife is going to be brought to your home?

I can't bear strife in the home, so awful.
She will take your peace!

Say NO now (no shame in backtracking as the proposed move is six months away so plenty of time for her to to make other plans). Say you will reconsider in 20 years time if necessary!

If you really can’t get out it (feel for you because I couldn’t do it!) I would suggest that you don’t let her take over anything - it might make your life easier at first but not being able to cook etc in your own house would soon start to grate I’m sure). Would also strongly suggest that you sit down with your Dh and MIL and set down all your ground rules etc before she moves in, so all parties know what to expect, maybe your dh can spell it out to your MIL that if she needs errands etc she’ll have to wait for him rather than expecting you to do it all etc, at this sit down you could come prepared with some suggestions for new hobbies maybe so that she gets the idea that you can’t be spending all your time with her and she needs to develop her own interests outside of the home etc? If you have two living rooms try to make it clear that one is for her exclusive use maybe? Might help to define one living room as your space and one as hers. Would you not consider pooling your resources and buying a property with an annex?

And definitely say during this sit down the things she does like the comments that you can’t cope with long term, say this in front of dh (in a diplomatic way) so that everyone know this is a real issue and hopefully he will back you up that it’s not sustainable. Maybe phrase it like I really value your advice and will come to you if I need it, but when you give me advice on every aspect Of my daily life it really makes me anxious.....

I work for the NHS in an allied healthcare community role.

One thing that is prevalent with asian families is that the older 'ill' person will take to their bed which has usually been moved to the lounge. We see these people for therapy and rehab because they have a very good chance of recovery.

It's a battle with these families as it is assumed that the patient will get better with rest and everyone doing everything for them. They won't!

I'm not sure which culture you are from op but it's worth keeping this in mind.

I made the mistake of saying yes a few years ago and felt I was backtracking.

I'm guessing that this was before you were aware of the impact her behaviour would be likely to have on your household, in which case it's not backtracking. You have simply come to a different decision because different information is available to you now.

I understand the dilemma you're in completely as this is classed as the norm in Indian families but what I've seen happen more recently is the elder stays in their home and the sons and dils take turns looking out for their elderly parent.
This is what my cousins are all doing, my aunt is widowed but has always been very independent, so her three sons take turns staying a day each week with her, she does a weekend at each son's house and they cook And send meals to her.
She often calls my mum ( her sil) to say she'd rather they got on with their lives but she also appreciates that they're all looking out for her.
Her grandchildren are in early teens so on Friday nights one of each sons daughters stays o we at Grandma's.
I understand that this may not be possible for you but you couldsuggest similar to your husband and he and his siblings take turns

I'd suggest you give something similar a try before you move her in and then are miserable in your own home

Would you be able to turn an area of your house into a flat of some kind complete with kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living room?

I would absolutely leave over this

I was raised with my gran living with us, we had a v big house so space was not an issue

It caused so much resentment ... even as young children we hated the fact that we were never alone as a family

Thanks everyone for taking the time to write some wonderful advice for me on here. DH and I discussed this over the weekend. We had a long talk about all the issues we have had over the years and how they will only get worse and how I am worried for my mental health and our marriage. The living room we earmarked for her does have space to be converted into a small kitchenette/living room. So we are really going to explore that option. We have space in the garden to build an annexe too so that will also be considered but not too sure about costs for that. I think that is a fair compromise and would let mil keep some independence and allow DH to have a peaceful-ish life instead of being stuck in the middle between us. We are delaying her move while we look into all this as I do think that if she moves in before then it will likely never happen. Anyway let's see. Thanks everyone x

Oh also we are using our own money for this work (which is why would prefer to save costs by converting spare living room rather than annex). We could sell her house and use the proceeds from that but I prefer keeping our finances separate as I think any money from her would come with strings attached and if we are ever to have to change the plan and move her out then we would be in this big financial mess.
Also when DH and I chatted this weekend there were some things she had said to me in the past that he didn't even know about and he agreed some of it were deliberate attempts to hurt me rather than what he usually says about her not being emotionally intelligent etc.

Good half way measure that can be reversed then.

Set your boundaries strong from the beginning though. If she reverts to type, make sure she knows if she continues she'll have to move out. In fact before she even moves in, make sure she knows it's a "trial" to see if it will work.

I do feel though that if you let her move in as a trial, if things don't work and she has to move out then this will seen to be even worse as culturally it will seem like you've thrown her out.
Please please op try and put something in place where your dh and his siblings alternately take responsibility to look out for her. She's only 60, and unless she has health problems she's fit and well enough to live on her own for a long time yet.
You've not been married long, don't have children yet and although live in grandparents can be a massive help you will always be giving in to what she wants ( I speak from experience regarding the last point) and you'll feel you need to justify your every parenting decision.

Thanks @Sh05, delaying the move is giving us time to think about all this and look at alternatives. Whatever we do finally decide, I will be sensitive but firm about it. And DH gets that it's not just our responsibility

And I also get that although the on call childcare is tempting, like someone else said too earlier it comes with strings attached so doesn't sound as appealing anymore! I had all these doubts before, just seeing all these responses in black and white have made me see that I am not bring unreasonable (I thought I was before).

If we do end up doing this trial and it fails then I don't care anymore if people say we have thrown her out as it will be her own doing. Just the reality of being stuck like this for 30/40 years has made me think that I need to stop caring what people think. Easier said than done I know