What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

Are you doing OLD at the moment OP or having a break?

I have been on a couple of dates since lockdown eased. I just feel low. I don’t want to be getting dressed up and being the life and soul all evening to attract a man. I just want a nice happy loving relationship cuddled up watching tv!

Must just say there is no way the ex who’s had a baby with someone else was the best you’re ever going to get. Sorry but that’s just crazy thinking at the tender age of 35! You’ve got so many more exciting men waiting to meet you, believe me. Settling for someone that you have said yourself you did not love would have been a terrible mistake. I felt the same as you at 35, except it was about staying with someone who was cruel because I didn’t think I’d find better and that it was my fault for wanting too much. It was nonsense! I met someone else and suddenly the scales fell from my eyes. It will happen to you too.

Amazing you’ve been on a couple of dates even in the last two weeks. You don’t have to be the life and soul on Date Zero anyway, so forget that. It’s not you performing and entertaining them. I usually only stayed for one or two drinks on Date Zero when I was doing OLD, just enough to put a face to an email and break the ice. It’s a strain meeting a stranger and chatting for more than an hour or so. I loved a book called The Rules for Online Dating. The philosophy is that first dates are sweetness and light - you don’t put any pressure on yourself and let them make a bit of effort instead. Be friendly and warm of course, but no need to spend hours or give too much away. Enjoy!

I suppose that’s true, I’m just used to taking that approach to it and make the effort. The one who has the child now I think has made me feel it’s so unfair..he gets to walk off into the sunset with a family just there working itself out immediately. He’s only know her 11 months. I wish I was in that situation, settled down in under a year.

I know it’s cliched but you literally never know what’s around the corner, instead of being upset your ex met and settled down with someone within a year look at it as a positive, it happened for him so it can happen for you. Its probably not what you want to hear but all this just wanting to have someone to snuggle up with on sofa thing, it takes time to get to that stage, you have to put the work in with dating to make a connection to be able to get to that point. So I think you’re 100% doing the right thing by continuing to date so please don’t give up! The next guy you speak to could be the one! Could you speak to any friends about arranging a blind date, do their husbands have any single friends and they could arrange drinks at their place for you all to mingle and maybe hit it off? It’s so difficult when your in a negative mindset but you’ve just got to make the most of every available opportunity!

Couldn’t agree more @Brieminewine - it shows that it can happen to anyone. As PPs have said though, baby by accident and living together in under a year isn’t usually a recipe for the long-term love you’re looking for.
That said, my aunty used to say to me it only takes a year to meet, fall in love and have a baby. This time next year it could be you.
You’ve got to be a bit strict with yourself about dwelling on this bloke, who you’d already ditched. The best antidote for one man is always another one, so keep going on those dates and you’ll soon wonder what you were thinking.

I feel like when people say you need to be happy with yourself to meet someone it is like you are being criticised for being sad about not having someone in your life.

I think that there is a big difference between being happy with who you ARE (as in do you like yourself as a person in general) and being happy with the situation you're in. If people were truely 100% happy with being single, they wouldn't be dating.

I'm going to give an unpopular opinion but wouldn't you be happier setteling for someone? As in, not blindly in love but some feelings, no mindblowing sex but will do, caring and kind man, would make a good dad and father? IME once you hit your thirties the "makes my knees tremble AND is a good bloke" guys are gone anyway, while there are still some nice-but-maybe-a-bit-boring guys left. In the end you might be happier with one of those instead of trying to fall in love? It could all end in pieces so it is a gamble but then every relationship is. At least in widens your search options.

I work with quite elderly clients. The women who never married or had children are in most cases happier better company and living better lives in their last phase of life than those that did. Occurred to me the other day.

@blueandgreens

That’s the thing though, what am I waiting for? Maybe I am waiting for something that’s not even attainable?

I feel like I am caring and understanding and certainly don’t expect someone to be perfect, but then how come I’ve not met someone I feel deeply loved and in love with? Maybe it is just me. I’m meant to be alone. I can’t help feeling like this. I’m so tired of it all. Tired of being fun on a night out and engaging when I just want to be home on the sofa with someone I love. Life feels so lonely even when I’m surrounded by friends and work colleagues.

I hope today is a better day OP.

I wanted to pick up on this comment - do you think you are romanticising other people's relationships? If nothing else, MN shows us the reality of what goes on behind closed doors and behind backs. The relationships your friends have may not be as perfect as you are imagining and it sounds like that is not something you'd want or tolerate so you're really not missing anything there.

What your ex did (conceive with 6 months) could happen to you - especially as you're now hitting an age when men are beginning to want to settle down. It sounds like you've had opportunities and will have again...you have time! Do not give up hope!

It sounds like you need to give yourself a stern talking to today and make tomorrow and your new year a new start. Being happy and content comes from within. Even people with absolutely nothing can manage it and you are torturing yourself with these negative thoughts and risking your mental and physical health.

I don't mean to be harsh but most of us on here have experienced heartache and stress but the only real option is to crack on. We have one life and control (to the most part) our own destiny so you need to take control of yours.

Really think about what you want and go for it. Be honest with f&fs - maybe they know someone who'd be perfect for you but think you are too proud. Join serious OLD sites and make a mission of it.

But please just live and enjoy your young life - don't waste it. Many don't get that option.

Count your blessings OP - it sounds like you have quite a list! X

Have you considered looking into using a donor to have a baby?
My best friend was in a similar position to you at 36 but didn't want the chance to be a mum pass her by so that's the route she took.
The love of a child far surpasses that of any man and while being a single mum isn't easy, her little boy is 2 now and she's the happiest I've ever known her.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low Op.

I had the package - a dh I loved very much (met at 16, love of my life), two wonderful kids, the relationship everyone envied. Then after 14 years of marriage he had an affair. I was 39 and my world fell apart.

So now I see my close friends happy, I hear about the lovely family things and holidays then are planning and doing and I have to navigate being a single parent or not having my kids with me at all and have divorce hanging over my head.

I feel very lucky that I have my children but it's not all grass is greener, although I know it's easy to feel that way.

A good friend of mine was in a very similar position to you. We were all married/settled with kids and she was mid-late 30's with a couple o f failed LTR's and dodgy dates behind her. She decided to stop waiting around for something that may never happen for her and went to Africa on her own for 3 years and had the time of her life while we all struggled with our kids/jobs/etc.

She then came home and went on a course for her job and met a man there of all places. He was a bit older than her and had kids and didn't want any more so that was something she had to think hard about but I think she realised at 38/39 that she could be throwing away the best thing that ever happened to her for something that may not ever happen. They now live together and she has a great relationship with his children. They are not her own and it's maybe not how she saw her life at 42 but she is very happy.

It will hopefully happen for you, but it might not. You might have met someone earlier and not been able to start a family, or you may have met someone and had a family and then split up. No-one can see into their future and mine isn't one I would have chosen either. All we can do is make the most of what we have right now and hope that what we want comes along. Just remember that those happy and perfect relationships you see others in aren't always happy and perfect.

I hope you feel better soon x

I was in the same boat only probably worse as I got to 38 without ever having a relationship, still lived with my parents as I couldn't afford to buy my own place. Always felt very average and watched everyone around me getting married and having kids.

My best friend was the same and as a result I went through life feeling like it was normal. It wasn't until she started drifting away when I thought no, I want to meet someone. Had a few years trying to, got told by someone in a bar once that I was giving off a desperate vibe. At the time it felt like a really nasty thing to say but in hindsight I think it was true. At this point I decided that it wasn't going to happen and became at peace with it and started just trying to enjoy life by myself. I was still dabbling in OLD but I took the pressure off myself, ignoring the one liners and idiots and just talking to people who could actually have a decent conversation.

I was a week away from my subscription with match ending when I got chatting to someone, just a normal bloke. Long story short we got married last year and we've moved across country together. I'm 44 now and sadly think the ship has sailed for kids, have been trying for the last few years and no joy.

I know it's all platitudes but just hang in there, take the pressure off about meeting someone and time ticking away. If you're going to do OLD just make a really honest ad, at least then you're upfront about what you want and you'll hopefully attract someone who wants the same thing. It just takes that one person.

It sounds like you've got a pretty busy life anyway but just start doing things that you enjoy and accept that's how things are at the moment. It'd be great to have a crystal ball like you say, if you knew that you'd meet someone in 2 years then you'd relax but what's to say you won't anyway... so why worry about it? Really trying not to sound harsh, hope it isn't coming across that way but I so feel for you, I know how lonely it feels and how it feels like you'll never meet someone but it will happen.

The thing is with the guy you ditched .He didnt hang around long and got someone pregnant within a year which is far from ideal! You might have been with him now. But if he didnt feel "right" then ,he would hardly be "right" now either. especially if you had got pregnant! You say you have travelled ,and have a good job with money to spend .Many people here would be quite envious of that! Sometimes you have different (not worse or better) experiences, and often wish you had something different.Children are hard work as well as lovely. and test the best of R/L too.Why not see if there are any older men(no millionaires!) or divorced dads about? They are often more experienced in life and are better than younger men in that they can be kinder and more patient as well.Good luck! Thinking of you xx

Thanks for the posts this morning. They’ve been a comfort and a bit of a waking up too.

I’ve been thinking about whether I’ve ronanticised other relationships and especially my ex’s. I think that’s where this has come from mostly. Knowing he was texting me and wanting to meet up, then to find out he’s having this new woman move in with a child (so was obviously in contact with me when she was pregnant, unbeknown to me), makes me feel cross that he can get away with that and then stroll off and have a nice happy life with her. I’d never have done that to someone and yet he gets away with it and now just moves her and the child in and that’s that. I know it’s not a good idea to even think about him and it doesn’t help, but it has obviously been a factor here in how I’ve been feeling.

You sound more optimistic already OP.

That is case in point that there's no such thing as the perfect life & the perfect relationship and I think you can be assured that things will definitely not be easy for him.

He is with someone he doesn't really know, who he can't experience dating with and they will soon have a demanding, screaming, expensive crying baby in the mix! And all those sleepless nights and the stresses and strains that go with that. My guess is that it will be pretty miserable and I'm not surprised he was keeping in touch with you. All of that should make you smile smugly rather than feel sad. 😜

Hope you can build on this positivity OP and look forward to your special day. It can be the start of a new beginning for you if you so choose. X

My fiancé and I met on a personal development course in our mid-late 30s. We were not in a good place and had both had breakdowns of one sort or another. You do not have to have all your shit together at all! We have helped each other with our issues and have both grown as people. You're never going to go into a relationship 'perfect' and come out unchanged - it will always force you to grow, which is kind of what they are for. I hope that helps take some of the pressure off?
I'd had a similar trajectory to you before meeting him. Had lived with an ex and left him, which was very hard. I remember saying to myself, because of worrying about wasted time, the next guy I date I'm going to marry. I think that shifted something in my head and made me really work at the relationship that was in front of me. We both did, despite lots of doubts sometimes. I don't believe in 'the one' or perfect matches. I think we're all flexible enough to be compatible with a large range of people, but both parties do need to be willing to do what it takes. Perhaps you've been unlucky to find guys who are not in that headspace? I really think men are not ready until they're ready and then something flips in them. Keep an eye out for those ones!

Amymone very lovely post, you’ve done a lot of work to get there, I hope you’re proud of it.

Also, OP, I was thinking about you this morning - there's always a period of 3-5 years when a person is going to ENDLESS weddings and/or celebrating new baby arrivals. It sounds like you are going through this currently. I remember that time and while I loved the weddings, when I was single and when DH and I were together, it still felt a bit relentless and I did find myself getting cynical at times. Inevitably, things settle down a bit again. All those friends with babies start remembering who they actually are and are more likely to be friends again rather than just mummy. But for those who are single/childfree during this time it can be tedious.

Hi @Fanthorpe that's so kind, thank you. It's been a slog...I'm only 37 but sometimes feel ancient!!

Of course you can feel like shit- you're allowed. You've been dealt a crap hand on the relationship front and got yourself into a horrible head space because your ex has been an arsehole and then has moved on so quickly. In itself that's enough to knock anyone's self esteem. It's horribly unfair and you are allowed time to wallow in self pity. However you do need to get yourself back into a positive head space at some time. Count your blessings, take stock of how amazing you are, plan something in the future that gives you something to look forward to. Lockdown can't have helped. Your life might not be what you want it but it could be way worse. Get therapy or do some self hypnosis everynight. It's not going to make you super happy overnight but it will help.
I'm in a different but equally shitty situation, but haven fallen down the rabbit hole of self pity and rage at the injustice and having it spiral out of control before, this time I have strategies to cope.
My tip is to take up swimming - I have never felt better and less stressed (though after lockdown).

makes me feel cross that he can get away with that and then stroll off and have a nice happy life with her.

I really don't think he will be having a nice life with her though, he sounds sleazy as fuck and I feel sorry for his now girlfriend. He will always be a sleaze. You had a lucky escape!!!

It’s really hard
It all you want is X , and you can’t get X it’s very painful and demoralising

Would X make you happy ? Who knows . A fast scam of this page indicates not necessarily

My honest advice is that focussing on a relationship as the B all and end all to happiness is a flawed methodology

As it’s driving so much , for example seeing your exes and assuming they are happy
Factually 1/3 will split , it can turn to shit

You can either continue to live in unhappiness , or you so some self development and therapy to reshape your mindset

But this could land as really insensitive , and I know women with the similar pain of infertility have similar anguish

I wish you happiness

@userxx

makes me feel cross that he can get away with that and then stroll off and have a nice happy life with her.

I really don't think he will be having a nice life with her though, he sounds sleazy as fuck and I feel sorry for his now girlfriend. He will always be a sleaze. You had a lucky escape!!!

I second this. My last relationship ended when my ex left me for someone else. The love of his life. He was posting all over social media and shared friends groups how happy he was, how perfect the relationship ship. He hit the jackpot.

Like you I was sick with the thought he was able to live a happy ever after when I was left with nothing.

Within months he was texting me begging to meet up and when I knocked him back he moved on to the other women he’d been cheating on me with.
She lapped it up til he was cheating and both of them with someone he met on a swingers site.

You did not let a chance at happiness go when you dumped him.