What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

I often feel like the advice to get counselling or get a hobby or travel or make yourself happy all the time is cruel, when are any of these things ever said to anyone who is married with kids

That’s incorrect ! Look putting aside your issue (being single) you are clearly desperately unhappy

And the likelihood of getting a relationship to end this is low . I don’t mean that you will never meet anyone ! But your sadness , dare I say depression is very tangible

So what so depressed people need to do ?
Well the usual
Consider medication
Consider therapy
Exercise , gardening all the usual stuff that is proven to help MH

Honestly, I think you need to put way less weight on your happiness coming from another person or a relationship. Make the life you want without another person, become so incredibly happy alone that you don't desperately want or need another person but if they come along that's nice but if they don't, oh well, you're perfectly happy.

That's exactly what I'm doing, I've had so many shitty relationships, I'm 28 now and single for around 4 years and can honestly say I have never been happier, I have created my life to be just for me and my daughter, I provide my own happiness and will never rely or give someone the power to affect how happy I am ever again. I have an amazing daughter, 3 really close friends and lots of acquaintances, I am in my third year at uni, I workout, I do yoga, I have a lovely home, a cute little car and honestly hand on heart do not think a relationship would in any way make my life better.

You do need to get rid of any lingering rose-coloured lenses you have about marriage/LTR - plenty of married people/parents get told to have counselling, frankly it’s the only thing that makes being trapped like that bearable 😂

Sounds like you have much love to give and are quite settled financially, have you considered having a child solo?

For selfish reasons you would have another to focus on and love and your baby/child would love you back.

I don't have an answer but it could be an option.

What's the prime importance, having a child or the relationship? I've been single now for a few years and I do miss the togetherness I suppose but I have found something that is possibly better. A male best friend. Neither of us fancy each other but we still flirt which is fun.... we share deep and meaningful stuff but other times are as daft as it gets. We talk pretty much every day and pretty much apart from theses it's like a traditional relationship I guess but with less pressure.
At the moment we also live thousands of miles apart but I'm pretty sure once I move back things will be pretty much the same.

Of course having a male best friend also means you'll meet his friends....so none of the normal 1st date nerves.

The replies on this thread have shown how many people genuinely don’t bother to read a post before replying, perhaps a quick scan :/

This is in the very first post!

Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

@blueandgreens

I think a lot of the recent panic has stemmed from my ex’s having both had children this year. And the latest one having done it in the space of 6 months from our break up, despite having text me on and off for all of that time. It feels like a big sign that everyone else will find all this easily and I won’t. It has all happened so fast. I knowit doesn’t help to compare and I shouldn’t but it still feels hard and life can be daunting when you face it alone everyday.

It feels like a big sign that it won't work out for him.

hatrack he claims he only saw her for 3 months then ended it but she was already pregnant by then. Unbeknown to me he was contacting me up until she was due, at which point he disappeared off the radar for a while only for me to find out on Facebook that they were going to ‘start afresh’ together. I get why they are doing that and I would as well if I was either one of them, it’s the right thing to do in that situation but it still makes me feel shit he has this happy ending while having strung me along for the last couple of months or so and behind her back. Feels like things work for others no matter what!

You sound like me ten years ago. I sorted myself by reading self help books (he’s not that into you) and OLD way outside my comfort zone. DH is a million miles away from the sort of man I thought I needed but h’s a gem.

I am so sorry that you're going through this, I know exactly how hard it is. I could absolutely have written this post at this time last year. I am now 37 and have been single for the last couple of years. I would love to have kids and had tried so many things to meet someone, including lots of online dates, but was getting nowhere. I felt so down about it and lonely, just exactly as you have described.

I really do think that a lot of it is luck and I don't really have any advice. However, the one thing that I would say is not to settle because you are lonely. In January I went on a few dates with a guy that I had met online. He was lovely in lots of ways, quite attractive, good company, had a good job, wanted all of the same things that I do and was really into me. I had a nice time with him but I didn't feel that spark / excitement about the relationship. I did seriously consider making a go of things with him as I was just so tired of being alone. However, in the end I just couldn't do it. A few weeks later I started talking to my current partner and it was so different. The spark was there and he's everything that I could want, I have genuinely never been happier. I've actually known him through work for about 6 years too so he's someone that I know a lot about. It's early days but I really do feel like this is finally it. If I had made a go of things with the other guy this would never have happened for me.

I know that it is easy for me to say this now but if it can happen for me then it can happen for you too and in a very short space of time too. I'm wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Just to add from my earlier post op, as I've been thinking about your posts a bit. I felt exactly like you. Those 3 years I spent online dating, were mostly ok. But I met a couple of guys I could have really seen myself with. I got strung a long and felt quite hurt when it didn't work out. Proper rejected and thinking, "what's wrong with me"?. And looking back, it was the idea of a relationship I was craving. Not necessarily those guys (who were not for me, and turned into time wasting dicks). But I still thought I missed them. It wasn't them I was missing. It was a truly loving and caring relationship with the right sort of person I was missing. Which to be honest, just made me a bit more determined to find one! It helps that I never believed in 'the one'. So I was quite positive it would happen eventually. I mean, there can't be just one person out there for us, with all the people in the world.
I was going to say something else, but have forgotten now!

Ooh yes. I've remembered. I know this probably sounds weird. But I used to see going on a first date, not as a date. In my mind it was just a meeting, to see if I wanted to go on a first date! So, it took the pressure off, and made me feel more relaxed as I didn't see it as such. I even told a few of the guys this! They just laughed 😂.
Good luck op.

I think you're idealising your ex and he has been encouraging it by blowing hot and cold with you.

"Starting afresh" after an accidental pregnancy in a relationship that ended after three months? It doesn't sound like an ideal happy ending for them, it sounds bloody stressful.

Oh what I forgot to say is that if you do meet someone in your late thirties, it can be serious much quicker because you’re both mature adults who don’t fanny about playing games.

I second a previous posters advice on self help books. I’m sure there is one that resonates with you.
I read ‘the rules for capturing the heart of mr right’. It gives out some very questionable advice such as if your nose is ugly get a nose job! Also one of the authors’ marriage ended in divorce. But it changed my mindset and I stopped apologising for my flaws, within a year I found DH. Although probably just luck. 2 others I recommended the book to are now married.

Happy birthday OP! A new year & a new start! 🎂

he claims he only saw her for 3 months then ended it but she was already pregnant by then. Unbeknown to me he was contacting me up until she was due

You say this a d then you imply this is proof that things work out fir others no matter what ...
How exactly are things workinv out for her that she's (currently) with a guy who's been contacting another woman right up to her due date.

She doesn't know about it, presumably.
That's the main reason she (perhaps) thinks things are working out for her.

A man who behaves like that .. I can only imagine how he'll behave after months of sleep deprivation, colic, possetting,shitty nappies, teething, viruses, and everything you do being limited and dictated by whatever's going on with an infant and all the masses of associated irritability and stress, and not being able to be selfish (or if you are other people involved suffer and there's stress and arguing) ....

Yet in your head she's had things work out for her, it's apparently predestined to be wonderful and perfect ... Give it time. Even if they don't split, how would know he wouldn't be involving himself with someone else, like he's done with you right up to the birth. How do you know she wouldn't become aware he wasn't fully engaged or faithful but living with it (and miserable) because she has a child with him, because she wants to have an image of everything working out (until.it can't be faked any longer, bit that could go on for years).

Thanks for the birthday wishes It’s a bit of a lonely day but this thread has helped me so much the last couple of days.

gilbert It isn’t her I feel aggrieved towards. She seems like a lovely person and obviously has done me no harm. I just feel annoyed he gets to have this whole family set up just by clicking his fingers and her moving in with him just like that! He was only dating her for 9 weeks and then didn’t see her until late on in the pregnancy. Even in those circumstances people make things work yet. It’s self pitying but it does feel like it works for everyone else.

Happy Birthday bluesandgreens, hope you do something really great for yourself.

I find birthdays difficult for reasons I don’t fully understand, I tend to sabotage myself, I’m pretty sure the best way to get what you want is to organise it for yourself.

I just feel annoyed he gets to have this whole family set up just by clicking his fingers and her moving in with him just like that! He was only dating her for 9 weeks and then didn’t see her until late on in the pregnancy. Even in those circumstances people make things work yet

So it's him you think things have worked out for?

A guy who's so ambivalent and lacking commitment that he's been in contact with another woman through the mother of his child's pregnancy right up.to due date?

He does t e en Remy want her besjudt DJing the obvious "right" convenient thing .... Until it doesn't suit him anymore or first work out. Why envy him, he hasn't got any integrity (nor has he got any sense or responsibility if he's knocked up a woman He was seeing for three months), his relationship and first child situation is messy as fuck and that reflects what he's like.

I'd have thought you'd ea t better for yourself than a patched up early pregnancy relationship with you not committed enough not to be in contact with another man til your baby arrived.

Happy birthday bluesandgreens. In the kindest possible way, I hope you can take today as the cue to give yourself a gentle kick up the bum and get back out there. (I met DH at 36, kids at 39 and 41).

*he doesn't really want her

Even in those circumstances people make things work

Also, my dear ... It's way way too early to say they are making it work

bluesandgreens I’ve just read your other thread and I have to encourage you again to see a therapist. Reading what you’ve written it sounds to me that you very likely have an attachment issue caused by emotionally withholding parents. There’s absolutely a way you can find some resolution to the issues you’re facing. The two things are intrinsically linked.

Happy Birthday @blueandgreens! I hope you're treating yourself to something nice and being kind to yourself!