Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

Sheba, that was my decision, he did as I asked and kept out of it. She wanted to keep in contact with him, this was another means of prolonging their interactions. I'd rather deal with her myself. And as I said upthread, she's been quiet for a fair while now thankfully. However she did bombard me with messages prior to that, hence the excess of information I now have.

Gilbert, within that outpouring she revealed quite a lot of factual detail about herself, and what she didn't was readily available online, not everyone's privacy settings are set high. More than enough to be pretty clear on what her motivations were without any information from him whatsoever. But again, you keep telling yourself I'm a woman hater. Despite the fact it's abundantly clear that my sentiments were directed only to this woman and only because she chose to attack me.

It's not the only resolution to an affair you know. Plenty of OW and OM accept the end of an affair with dignity, don't lash out at the innocent party. Or if they feel that person should know the truth, they stick to the facts. That's how most people would behave in this situation.

@Vik81

You have made the decision to stay and that can be just as tough as leaving so I really commend you for making that choice (not that you remotely need it) I think sometimes to get the traumatic things outrageously said to you for purely selfish reasons you need to look at the situation from a different angle.

Your relationship won.

He didn't have emotional ties to her, it seems to be purely physical. You won.

She may have bent every way possible and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. He got fed up of that in the end he came back to you. You won.

She got so desperate that she had to tell you every sordid detail in the hope YOU would split up with him so she could then swoop in. It didn't work. You won.

For a woman to go to such desperate lengths to ensnare a man, a man who showed her little emotional interest just shows how lonely, desperate and well unhealthy her mind is. She is not someone to be hated but someone to be pitied, because in the long term she will not be able to uphold a relationship with those characteristics. You won.

Without realising it you were fighting a battle in your relationship and you lost a lot but you won the war.

Now it's time for the rebuild, acknowledge, analyse, communicate and get that no good man of yours to bend over backwards showing you how much your relationship matters to him. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck

She won ? What a prize .....

EMDR is useful for intrusive thoughts (based on trauma), worth looking it up.

@elettraI - it is interesting that you seem to be the one having to deal with all the fallout from your husbands affair, stranding counselling etc. Is he doing anything himself to make amends?

Being betrayed in this way is a trauma, Our bodies react to that - even if you’ve decided to move forward and stay together, that doesn’t put an end to it as the effects will try to find a way out, whether that’s intrusive thoughts, nightmares, health scares, etc..

Things won’t ever be the ‘same’ and your husband is the cause, even if you’re able to forgive him.

OP I’m so sorry for all of the vitriol you’ve been the recipient of on this thread when you are the actual one true victim here. Not sure why there is the incessant need for the OW to be tested like a passive participant in the affair and mollycoddled. She chose to have the affair, just as your husband did. Both parties are responsible for that. Cannot imagine a world in which you, the hurt spouse, should be mindful of a lady’s feelings who did not bear you such a courtesy!! She knew what she was getting into and then she chose to send you such vile material. Did she care that could have pushed you over the edge? So why should you now have to consider her vulnerabilities? Your husband will be having to pay his own price for what he has done through recognising what he has done to you. It is most certainly not too much to ask that people should try to always treat others in a kind way, regardless of whether they have made vows to them and are the ones in a relationship

You’re convinced that she’s unbalanced so why do you care what her opinion is or what she has said? Why does it affect you? I honestly think you’re directing your hate & insecurities at the wrong person. He’s the one you should hate. She is awful for going along with the affair but she was single and your ‘D’H was not. I’d be more concerned about your husband’s morals than the opinion of the OW. It’s strange how you paint her as the cheap gold digger yet your ‘D’H is on your team? On a separate note, could you continue your counselling on zoom instead?

This continues to be one of the nastiest threads ever on MN.
I have never seen such a vipers nest of spite.
This was a fab forum when I reached out in difficulty, if I ever have problems in the future some (not all) of the attitudes on here lack empathy and kindness.
The OP has stated that she does not need sympathy or anyone to fight her battles, which is just as well. For all you know there could be posters that have issues with self harming, alchohol or severe depression due to their situation.
I can only despair at the lack of sisterhood and compassion.
Lets hope none of you ever need to post something so personal and upsetting.
What a sorry state of humans.

It will fade in time. Like stretch marks.

If ever you feel undermined by what happened, think a moment about where he is now.

Next to you.

He chose you. Again. And you chose him. Again.

You plural made your decision. He wouldn't be there if he didn't love you. So don't worry - he must love you as you are.

As you know, she was just enraged by the rejection and wanted to ruin your relationship forever.

Some of these women are just beneath contempt. Not all, but a good few.

Hi op!

Wow, what a thread.
I’m so sorry that you have been going through this.

I understand that you have identified reasons why you and your husband drifted apart and you feel that the relationship is worth another try. That’s fair enough and not for anyone else to question. You never know, you might end up stronger and more in tune with each other’s needs going forward. I hope that is the case. I don’t believe that everyone who cheats, repeats that action. I also don’t subscribe to the ‘innocent ow’ line of thinking.

You’ve acknowledged that you aren’t to blame and it’s on your husband. That’s true. The OW could also have chosen a more respectable direction in life, so I think partial blame lies with the OW too. She may not have made her vows with the op, but she’s certainly brought some of this pain on herself.

So, to your question, how do you forget the details? Well, you don’t. But with time, the impact of the words will lessen.
Today those words will scream out in your brain, winding you with pain. Tomorrow, they’ll fade to an annoyance. Eventually they will be whispers, much easier to ignore.
They’ll never truly go away, but you don’t have to bare the pain of those words alone. Your husband should also bare the weight of this knowledge and he will carry his own guilt and pain for as many years.

The real reason the OW lashed out was that she has been abandoned. Imagine, all those things she told you; how she’s better than you; more sexually exciting etc...and yet he still dumped her to return to you. What must that have done to her self esteem? But as I said previously, she’s brought that on herself too. When you date a man you know already has a significant other, you know one day he will have to choose and there’s no more than a 50% chance he’ll choose you. Simple maths.

So, op, there’s nothing more to do. Work on your relationship. Go to counselling and accept those words and feelings are just part of your life right now. It’s a wound like any other and it will eventually heal, even if it leaves a scar.

Your husband is a very lucky man to get a second chance. I hope he spends his years making this up to you.

Not sure why there is the incessant need for the OW to be tested like a passive participant in the affair and mollycoddled.

Me neither. The one I encountered was a foul person. Vicious as a really awful teenager. Zero morals.

By default, some OWs are awful.

I second @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus

Why on earth would anybody want to post on this site for help when these are the responses?

I'm more hurt by her ridiculous exaggerations, abusive comments and downright lies than by anything else

Why is this the most hurtful thing to you out of interest? When you know things are not true, surely they have no power to hurt you?

If a stranger hurls misplaced abuse at me it doesn't wound me at all - if they know nothing about me, I just see that presumably they have their own issues going on.

If however, someone I love and care about, or who I have good opinion of, acts in a slighter way to hurt me, it wounds me far more.

Why are you more hurt at her misguided ragings rather than your husband's betrayal? Be careful you are not displacing your feelings. I wish you all the best.

It’s admirable how you are defending your DH and it’s a shame he didn’t share the same loyalty. I hope you can get past this OP. However awful the OW is, she doesn’t owe you anything. It’s your DH that let you down so don’t give her messages any further thought.

@elettra
I’m interested to know why you so are convinced that she’s lying about his comments? I don’t think she sounds unhinged, I would say that if she’s contacting you she’s probably very hurt because she can’t understand why he’s staying with you when he has such negative opinions of you. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. I’m sure you couldn’t care less but you should care about the fact that it’s very likely he did say these things to her about you. To some extend I can understand people staying after an affair for financial reasons but I’m finding it harder to understand your decision after your recent updates. If you’re staying when you don’t need to then I don’t think your self esteem is as high as you’re claiming.
You still haven’t given any indication about the length of the affair either. I suspect that it’s quite long and you’re afraid to say because you know what the response will be.

Despite the fact it's abundantly clear that my sentiments were directed only to this woman and only because she chose to attack me.

And why did she chose to attack you?

She was suffering, you are suffering, is your husband (the main instigator) truly suffering?

And "being a woman hater" isn't what I meant by misogyny, I meant something a lot subtler than that .. I think internalised misogynistic values (towards both yourself and her) are why the woman here is being judged and pillioried; but the man is being excused, forgiven, stood by and "teamed with".

*choose

It's not the only resolution to an affair you know. Plenty of OW and OM accept the end of an affair with dignity, don't lash out at the innocent party. Or if they feel that person should know the truth, they stick to the facts. That's how most people would behave in this situation.

I have no idea what you'd base that last opinion on, but of have to say I disagree.

In any case, back to the point I and many other posters have returned to ... Your focus should not be in her, it's on the wrong person.

I fear you're going to be in the sane situation sooner or later (if you haven't already knowingly been) and also that you're going to affect your mental health trying to swallow this.

• I should add, those values are one of the reasons the woman is being focused on, but the man not ... There are obviously many other reasons.

Whether the ow is malicious, nasty, "unstable", undignified, lying, not lying, exaggerating, embellishing, wants you and your husband to break up etc etc etc. Whatever she is or isn't it .... Is not important.

It's the fact that there has been another woman introduced into your lives by your husband, and that he deceived you about their relationship (for how long?) that is important.

Your anger and resentment seem totally misplaced/redirected.

I don't know how many times and ways posters can say this.

OP if you are as capable of scathing judgement and self-assured knocking back of anything this woman says or what she represents as your posts indicate, why on earth did you make this thread?!

If she's such a completely insignificant pathetic scumbag and everything she says is a lie/exaggerated, why has what she said bothered you in the slightest? The woman posting here with such self-assured venom would respond by laughing in her face, surely?

How weird! Your first post is so divorced from the ones following it, it's like two different women.

I don't understand why you've bothered to come back. People have answered what your first post really indicated, that your anguish isn't about what she said, it's about what she told you they did.

If she's so insignificant and nutso and dishonest, then ignore what she said.

If it's more that you can't bear what happened, the way to deal with it is either to leave him or cut the essential parts of yourself off from him so he can't hurt and disrespect you like this again.

I suppose a clearer way of putting the above is that ultimately the morals (or lack of) and character of the other woman in this situation is a separate issue from your husband's morals & character.

He's a deceptive, duplicitous adulterer - whoever it's with.

If we can't "infantalise" the ow, then we can't infantalise him and not hold him responsible for his (repeated) choices.

Oh my goodness. I know you have to forgive him in order to move on and stay together but do not blame this woman for your husband's failings. He made vows. He made promises. He needs to take responsibility.

How on earth he's managed to make you take some of the blame and her take most of the blame I don't know. Is he good at playing on being a victim? Is he a little boy lost? Or just a master manipulator?

The main problem is that nobody on this thread likes the OPs husband, nobody. And we are all pissed that he's got off Scot free in using a woman as a wank sock.

And honestly, the OP has came across well either , so it's difficult to like her. I mean " he might be an idiot, but he's my idiot?", Honestly? We have to read this nonsense? I was almost sick in my mouth ... So let's all defend the OW! Why not! Or is that just me?

User, bear in mind that there may be several reasons why she might want to stay in the marriage.

She started the thread to ask how to forget what she knows. She's been criticised. She hasn't come across that well, but for god's sake, she's had her world fall apart.

She has every right to want to save her marriage if she wants to. For now, she needs advice on how to 'forget', not criticism.

Almost everything she said is a product of her own fervent imagination, spite and nastiness rather than anything he told her or she thought she knew. And that isn't me deceiving myself either, I have enough information to know the difference between fantasy and reality.

You still haven't explained how you know this though OP. You don't know what he's said to her. You do know he is a liar so you can't rely on anything that he says having happened or being true.

I didn't like the other woman's working in a low-paid job being portrayed as some moral failing. It could just as easily be more evidence that she is someone with some personal difficulties that made it easy for a man to make use of her. Being poor doesn't make someone a gold-digger, either.

He wouldn't be there if he didn't love you

@mellowww There are a lot of reasons why someone might choose to stay in a marriage.

I don't like the OW being portrayed as she has either. The gift that the OP took to the hospice.... The OP practically jumping on the fact that he didn't love it . It was proof that the OW is a liar.

I have been cheated on , and I am telling you. If I found out I had been given the task of donating a gift my husband had received from his lover to the charity shop.. .. my focus would be totally on him . But then my cheating husband was just an idiot... Not "my idiot". And I'm not his.