Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

Typical, isn't it? Both women in this scenario traumatised in different ways, while the man gets to resume his life scot free.

I didn't like the other woman's working in a low-paid job being portrayed as some moral failing. It could just as easily be more evidence that she is someone with some personal difficulties that made it easy for a man to make use of her. Being poor doesn't make someone a gold-digger, either.

It's ok; from the ow's giving away lots of information when she contacted op, and from op stalking ow's social media, op "knows" she's a gold digger (as well as being unstable and tawdry).

This thread has so many women popping up to express how vile their dh's or dp's other women were

Well, when your husband pursued extra marital sex, he's unlikely to be hooking up with Julie Andrews .. and if she does have any good qualities, you probably won't be seeing many of them when she reacts to he dumps her like a used wank sock.

(Keep in mind whatever op claims about what her husband implied or told ow, most affair partners are drawn in and kept there with sustained lies about the viability of his marriage and his intention to stay in it).

But, by all means, focus on the real problem .... the bloke whose washing you're probably doing, whose children you gave birth to, who stood up and made vows, made an official commitment to be your monogamous life partner, in front of your family, friends, community etc., who interacts with your parents/relatives, who you have all that history with etc. etc.

If I dated a man who I thought had left his marriage and then I found out it was all lies I would explode too. Humiliation etc etc. And yes I probably would let his wife know about the lot. She needs to know that she is married to a low life.

OP I think why people are saying the things they are is you seem to be defending your husband's actions and blaming the OW. Yes it was wrong what she done but at the end of the day it was your husband who betrayed you. What she has told you will never leave your mind and maybe will lessen in time but will always be there. When my husband cheated I blamed the OW as it was the easier option I certainly didn't want to blame the man I was married to. I was so angry at her but realised that if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. I ended my marriage as I couldn't stay with someone that cheated as the trust was gone. Our marriage wasn't perfect but it didn't give him the right to cheat. You've decided to stay and that's your decision but with that you'll have to find a way to move on or it will be a life of torment and uncertainty. As many others have said you need to work on you.

No one is being 'let off the hook'. Don't think that because I haven't detailed all the ways in which he has been castigated, challenged or held to account, that none of this has happened. Remaining together does not automatically equate to absolving him of any blame, responsibility or ill feeling. Quite the opposite. He is entirely responsible for his own actions.

Just as she is for hers. Had she been dignified about this, not contacted me, in all honesty I would have had some sympathy for her. I would not have sought to contact her (as I know some women would in my position) or tell her what I thought of her, harangued her in any way. My focus would entirely have been on him.

However in acting as she has, in involving herself directly with me, trying to engage me in verbal combat by abusing me, spewing her word vomit at me, she has created a situation where I have to deal with her shit as well.

That said, discussing it on this thread when I have not had an opportunity to do so otherwise (as mentioned, I had not really got to that point with my counsellor, and with friends, well I don't care to wash my dirty linen or discuss such issues with them) has helped probably not in the way many would have expected. It has reminded me that I am a strong person, and of where my focus should be, and in the last couple of days I've not had any of the usual intrusive thoughts. Perhaps because I have now 'shared' them...probably something to explore further through counselling.

Honestly, if the OW is an unhinged person, how come OP’s husband didn’t notice that and even went as far as getting in the affair with her? I do not understand OP’s desicion to stay, but if it helps - I’ve divorced cheating husband, but it still hurt very much. Only tome will help you, OP. I am not surprised that people here (me incleded) find hard to understand your desicion to stay, knowing that you are wealthy yourself and wouldn’t suffer financially. I wouldn’t like my liitle daughter read this thread when she is grown up, and certainly I wouldn’t want her to stay with cheating husband. I am pretty sure if you husband treated the OW nicely, she would respect you and don’t bother you. Says a lot about your husband. My exH drove me crazy manipulating me against OW, until I desided that was not the person I used to be. I am pretty sure you have your agenda, but we are not stupid either, and you have respondes accordingly.

*time
*included
*responds

You don’t need to engage further with OW: block / ignore.

I've realised fully through this thread that a big part of why done women won't end their marriage with a cheater is that they'll feel like the ow will have "won" .. even if the cheater doesn't get into a relationship with the ow, but especially so if he does.

They're caught up in this competition with the enemy, the person who wants their partner and (they think) their life.

But the fundamental point they're putting aside is that they're only in such a competition because their husband entered them into it, without their consent. He took what was supposed to be a committed, settled partnership/mating (from a primitive angle) situation, and turned into a competition for a mate, whether he really intended to or not.

(And I'd say he knows instinctively that that competition puts him in a very strong position, being fought over, with his betrayal of his partner pushed aside, and any real, negative consequences for him minimised or nearly nonexistent).

The solitary only reason the woman is in that position is that he created that competition, in a situation in which there was supposed to be none. He was supposed to be committed.
So, forget the bitchy, possessive, territorial crap for a bit and think about whether you want to be with a partner who's done that (and it's not impossible they may do it again). There are men who wouldn't.

Also she doesn't get your life even if they do get into a relationship; she gets what's left after a division of assets that is likely to favour the female partner, she gets to be a step mum to kids who v likely know sooner or later that she's involved in the break up of their family .. or even if they don't, step mums aren't often embraced positively. She gets a divorcee who has kids who aren't hers to look after on a regular basis, she gets a compromised situation; not what you had before he blew it up. And she gets a cheater, who she'll secretly probably never fully trust.

I've realised fully through this thread that a big part of why done women won't end their marriage with a cheater is that they'll feel like the ow will have "won"
Right, and I ended my marriage because I though the OW was bigger and stronger than me so I had no chance of winning.
Or maybe things are more complicated than that?

I don't understand any of this. Is it not obvious that the OW was very badly treated to react the way she did? How many grown women beg a married man to contact them, threaten and then carry through with telling the wife?... She sounds truly mentally unbalanced and very, very distressed.

The OPs view that she just one of life's scum is ridiculous. Her husband would have been more choosy than that and they met in a work environment and she must have came across well or her husband wouldn't have used her for some fun..

But the OP absolutely refuses to acknowledge this and six months later is still focused on the OWs words rather than her husband's actions. It's pitiful and sad.

Right, and I ended my marriage because I though the OW was bigger and stronger than me so I had no chance of winning.

I'm not referring to women who ended their marriages with cheaters.

Those women saw through said competition, that's the point I'm making.

What a bizarre interpretation of my post.

I'm not letting the fella off the hook. It's his doing; but I'm arguing that an ow is hardly a symbol of virtue either and not faultless

The trouble with responding to this situation by focusing on the OW, and saying it doesn't take away from the blame on the husband or distract from it, is that it inevitably does.

Pages of debate about whether an OW is "at fault", distracts from what the husband has done. Fixating on the OW making contact and how unhinged and cruel she must be for doing that, whilst coming to view yourself as a team with your husband against her evil messages (as if messages are more of a problem than having sex with someone other than your wife) distracts from what the husband has done. Finding it within yourself to write paragraphs and paragraphs of vitriol against the woman, when you have also made the decision to forgive the man, certainly shows you are using her to distract from his actions, because if you were really so appalled by hers, you wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him.

Obviously this woman has been awful. The fact is, it doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference what she is like, whether she is to blame at all etc. If she was a nice person who wasn't to blame at all and sent no messages, it still would have been just as bad that HE slept with her. Even the amount she's been discussed on here is distracting from the actual truth, which is that this woman's husband had a prolonged, calculated affair with a woman from his work, that he had every intention of keeping secret from his wife. It doesn't matter whether she should also be considered at fault or not. Going on about it to someone that is clearly misdirecting their perfectly valid feelings of anger and betrayal onto this woman, is not helping her, it's enabling her.

The scariest part of it is, the scapegoat concept is no longer just being applied to the OW, now commenters on this thread are the problem, for "attacking" OP by pointing out what her husband has done. She directly compares these comments to the messages the OW sent her and says they need to be ignored by the "team" (OP and her husband) in the same vein. This thread is the problem now, just like the OWs messages were.

OP has every right to make her own decision to stay, obviously, but she can't expect anyone to go along with telling her how to try and "forget" her husband acting unforgivably towards her. The objective advice will always be that she shouldn't forget the truth just so she can forgive this man. She's clearly determined to focus on the wrong thing, because now we are the problem for saying that. Anything to avoid addressing the fact that she's married to the person who has wronged her most.

Why is that black and white, winner or loser attitude more bizarre than the one you described?

But the OP absolutely refuses to acknowledge this and six months later is still focused on the OWs words rather than her husband's actions. It's pitiful and sad.

This.

It's also really frustrating.

Accompanied by the character assassination of the ow, and her morality ... While the married person, and the one owned op loyalty is merely "an idiot" and made a mistake.

@SettingUp792

I don't understand any of this. Is it not obvious that the OW was very badly treated to react the way she did? How many grown women beg a married man to contact them, threaten and then carry through with telling the wife?... She sounds truly mentally unbalanced and very, very distressed.

The OPs view that she just one of life's scum is ridiculous. Her husband would have been more choosy than that and they met in a work environment and she must have came across well or her husband wouldn't have used her for some fun..

But the OP absolutely refuses to acknowledge this and six months later is still focused on the OWs words rather than her husband's actions. It's pitiful and sad.

I'm puzzled too. The sheer callousness of him giving OP OW's gift to dispose of - saying it was from his work team or something- really stuck out to me. This man is manipulative, cunning and a user of women. Maybe the vulnerability of OW attracted him as someone to use as she was 'lesser' than him in his (and now OP's) eyes.

If you can judge someone by the company they keep, your husband doesn't come off well in having had a relationship with and apparently encouraged this hateful, spiteful, vicious fruitcake.

I think some people on MN have often had very narrow life experiences and because some things are entirely outwith their own experience assume they can't possibly be true. That women or men can't or wouldn't behave a certain way. They can, and do. Just because you haven't witnessed it doesn't mean it doesn't or can't happen.

Some OW are utterly duped. Some have good intentions, believing they are in love. Some see it as a challenge to bag an attached man. Some are on the make. And that's a few possible motivations.

And the person who has the affair - again, many reasons. Anything from wanting some 'excitement' to using it as an escape route from a failing relationship. Some are in happy relationships, some unhappy, others in between. Some want to leave, some don't.

None of it is black and white, but what I can say for certain is that I am neither pitiful nor sad.

@ravenmum

You've lost me.

I've stated that I've realised from op's posts and those of other betrayed wives who stayed with the cheating husbands itt that one of their main preoccupations/motivations is a perceived competition with the ow. That they seem to see themself as the loser and the ow as the winner in the competition for "their" man and to some extent life, even if they do the ending of the marriage.

(Not the only reason they make their decision, but apparently an important factor).

And that it's a mistake/fallacy. And one the cheater benefits from hugely.

I don't get what your issue is with these points, or why you think they are black and white.

Re the gift - when the cheater gets a gift, they are faced with the problem of what to do with it. If it's not edible, it's not just going to vanish, they have to put it somewhere. Hide it, chuck it or pretend it's not from OW? There aren't many options. Mine hid some of his in the shed (where I found them later); others he pretended he'd bought himself. In this case, the cheat pretended he'd got them from someone at work. I wouldn't so much see that as a conniving, deliberately evil deception, as him thinking what to do with the gift in the car on the way home and coming up with that. Then, either he really didn't like it, or he couldn't stand the idea of it being in his home as a reminder of his cheating, so he said he didn't like it.
Yes, bringing that crap home to your wife is shitty. But could just as easily be a sign of someone at a loss for how to get rid of it.

@aSofaNearYou

What an excellent post.

And yes, posters who make any points not in line with the op's are being "villainised" too, Ive been accused of "abuse" because I objected to op describing the ow as a gold digger who was after op and her husband's lifestyle, unstable, tawdry etc. and my post deleted.

People on MN do have all sorts of different life experiences, yes. But it would be unfair to say that those who have had more opportunities in life are more imaginative. That has not been my experience

I suspect whilst OP is independently wealthy, OP's husband who is also wealthy brings a certain status besides money. OP describes them as an exceptional team. That's patently not the case on a romantic level given his affair and the castigations OP mentions so likely this is connected to societal status and position. That OP doesn't want to air dirty laundry with friends endorses this.

To answer your question OP, think then you put up and shut up. You're directing your anger at the undoubtedly poor behaviour of your husband's lover because you've managed to gloss over his betrayal to an extent but her contact has disrupted your "rather nor know" strategy. All things that could have been avoided if your husband had acted with integrity.

I honestly think if the OW was a gold digger who just assumed that she had a fighting chance to "win" your husband she would have been able to react with more dignity at the end of the relationship. If her motives were purely to financially benefit from him then she would not have reacted as strongly as she did.

It is obvious the OW had feelings for your husband, perhaps even loved him, or thought she did. And this speaks to a relationship between them that you don't want to admit it might have been one sided but either way she was invested emotionally. She would not have reacted as she did if she wasn't.

I'm not the one with a narrow view on this.