Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

I hear you OP...

My husbands OW called me repeatedly calling me a fat bitch. You see you next Tuesday. You fat bitch.

I instantly told my husband this was his fault because the moment he pitted us against each other this could happen. His fault. Not hers.

However...No. I do not excuse your despicable behaviour other woman. I could have said lots of nasty hurtful things to you that I chose not to. So you can hold your husband accountable, and she can still be a vile person. They are not mutually exclusive.

What FizzyGreenWater
Said Is very wise

If he commented on her weight and smelly vagina to you and made comments about you to her then he is pond life

I just figured out how to read all your posts

Can I just day you have been very honest here
It looks like her comments went straight to the jugular and were intended to hurt you , shame you , humiliate you and just make you feel really awful . I frankly struggle with understanding that . I hate my Ex , he has wronged me . But I would never be as cruel
As that . So actually it’s OK to doubt the humanity of her , and really question his judgement

Just make sure you share the load , he should read those messages and OWN them
He should know both what she said and the impact it’s had
Don’t brush it away because you want to keep him

And right now now you do and that’s OK
Zero judgement
But if ever now is the time for work on you and your own growth
So as the wise PP said have therapy
Learn stuff
Get yourself strong again

And again anyone who can communicate with another human being in such a way is clearly missing a moral code , no matter how fuxking upset you are you DONT do that

I'm sorry to hear this.

I have had a similar experience as dp's 'ex' wrote me an anonymous letter. It's slightly different in that he was still living with her in her place and going out with her when we met (he had his own flat and that's where he took me when I went back to his) - I did not know this, he told me he was single. This carried on for over a year and I didn't know. He subsequently moved in with me directly from moving out with her. I only found this out 3 years into our relationship.

I challenged him and he admitted it but he was more confused about who wrote the letter as he insists it wasn't his ex (can't think who else it would be).

but it's very very hard, I have so much sympathy for you. It is with me all the time. It's the deception that I think doesn't leave you. I know he must have been lying to her when he was sleeping with me and lying to me when he was sleeping with her. I have also taken a decision to stay with him but it does haunt me that he could do to me what he did to her and I'm not sure I'll ever get over that. It's been under a year since I found out and it's not got easier. I think what makes it weird is that it happened in the past. I know if I found out while it was I would have left him.

all you can do is do what you're doing and be happy with yourself. Ultimately it's up to him to make you feel more comfortable. And you have to make a decision as to whether you can carry on living with it, knowing what he said and did. It's very difficult and he was obviously a complete idiot to do this to you.

Glad to hear that you are financially independent, elettra. Sadly, that does help in this kind of situation, whatever you choose to do; it makes your decisions easier than for the vast majority of women on this board. Of course we don't know you, so a lot of the comments will not be relevant. I guess that ignoring them could be good practice :) Just hope the thread hasn't given you any more potential flashbacks!

he might be an idiot, but he's my idiot

Oh god op. Bluergh. He was also her idiot. I wonder who else's too.

I wonder how hard you're working now to make sure you don't shut him out and ensure he doesn't go off and have another affair you can blame yourself for. He had all the fun, all the sex, and now you're the one feeling like shit and posting online while his life carries on as normal.

Well as the OPs husband met the OW met at work, her husband is obviously not going to be lower level staff and this woman was minimum wage.... It's pretty obvious that there is an aspect of the husband being a superior to the OW. Is this one of the things that makes him the OPs idiot? Screwing a junior at his work is definitely stupid, people see this for what it is now.. How many low level workers is their to choose from when the work goes back? Makes the hand jobs at lunch time look even more tawdry really.

I don’t think op has come across badly; I would have thought if you choose to stay with your husband, you would make the ow the villain...and if the ow is indeed contacting op with nasty remarks, then the ow is not helping herself.

Whilst a husband who cheats is clearly the main wrong-doer, I simply don’t agree that an ow is an innocent party. Unless they didn’t know the man was married.

Many years ago, I had a guy pursue me at work. He was very good looking and relentless in his efforts to get me into bed. Flowers, letters, work emails, waiting for me after work parked next to my car, compliments etc

Flowers were binned. Letters binned. Emails binned. Waiting for me, reported. Compliments responded to with reference to his wife.

I’d have definitely dated him initially if we’d been single, but I very easily managed to not fall into an affair. My own morals came into play; I’m not a weak woman; I’m not stupid, I can see through the fluff; whilst I didn’t owe the wife anything, I certainly owed it to myself and I felt, his children, not to get involved. We all have a choice.

The choice to get with a married man, is a stupid, selfish choice which lacks morals and will almost certainly come back to bite you on the ass.

I’m not letting the fella off the hook. It’s his doing; but I’m also arguing that an ow is hardly a symbol of virtue either and not faultless.

An ow who contacts the only innocent party, the wife just to bitch, is simply a nasty twat. In the ops case, it was to try to get the op to leave.

Personally, if my husband cheated on me, I could not stay with him. But that’s me. Op has made a decision for her family and deserves to be allowed to move on.

Dealing with these events and your thoughts and feelings is among the drawbacks of your H’s affair and your choices to continue the relationship. Presumably there are upsides of your choices too, as you’ve outlined. You’ve made choices so need to deal with both. Just as you would had you ended the relationship.

Why does anything in this argument have anything to to with the other women? I’ve no experience in this but what does she owe the wife, what does she have invested in the wife? Why does the thread start off with “we are recovering from an affair”? Why has it become me and H against the psycho OW. Scapegoat comes to mind, it’s very convenient for the husband that him and his wife can chat about how crazy this women is. They have a collective hate now.

I know someone that stayed with a highly deceptive partner who had a long work affair and they got through it by him being very accountable for his time, him putting in extra effort and him being told next time it was over. Do I think it worked? Unlikely because that's who he is. But she made a decision and getting back some power over where he was etc helped her move on though she still thinks about it. It's there to stay unfortunately.

But these are different circumstances apparently and people can and do have affairs as a result of the dynamics within a marriage - and the wronged party can be a contributer. But the nature of the OWs comments clearly point to them having cons via him.

And THAT would make me furious, with him not her because he said those things to her. So whatever she said to you OP is what he told her.

I also don't like the handjob in the car thing. It's exploitative on his part and I would be highly uncomfortable with a man who did this. He had an affair with someone junior because they stroked his ego and he 'allowed' them to give him a hand job. There's a lot missing and you know that.

One phrase I see on here is 'and I stupidly forgave him'. Posted by women at the end of years of multiple affairs.

If I were you I would very carefully set up various ways to check on him. Phones, car, emails. Bearing in mind it's possible to have affairs at lunch time etc not to mention business trips. At least if you find nothing over the years then you can relax and get some peace of mind. I wouldn't rely on him showing you his phone etc as people have multiple phones and a smart man can get around that.

If you have enough money a PI could do it. Just for the peace of mind. Unless you aren't that bothered about the affair and are more concerned with her, in which case just block her and the memories will fade. Hopefully she doesn't still work there?

Oh that sounds like a horrible way to live. Having no trust, having to stalk your husband as you don’t trust them, having to check their phone etc. That kind of thing can change you as a person.

Well the OW started contacting the OP, so I would have thought that was obvious whoamI83.

Had the ow not been in touch, the op presumably wouldn’t have posted this question.

I found a wallet the other day. It had over £400 in it and no identifying information. I didn’t owe the owner of that wallet anything, but I still took it and all the contents to the police station. I suppose I could of looked at it like, ‘that wallet came to me, laid in my path’. But I made the more honourable choice to hand it in, despite thinking what I could do with a free £400.

Why does anything in this argument have anything to to with the other women?

Because she really set out to hurt and humiliate OP by sending her messages designed to make her feel like shit

IF I had an affair (unlikely !) I can say hand on heart I would never do what she did to OP

There is a massive deference between screwing a married man , and then sending the vile details to his wife

So if the ow didn’t text the op then the situation would be fine. Like I said I have no experience with this but I would have thought these kind of situations would be volatile. The OW has no investment, nothing to loose, she isn’t married, has no oath. Perhaps she has mental health issues, it didn’t seem to bother the husband. It’s not really about her is it?

WhoamI83

For me the situation wouldn’t be any better; but the op clearly felt it would have been.

I guess this is the fall out from affairs. They are not tidy little accidents. They can’t be pushed under the carpet, there are consequences. It’s just a shame that OP is the one suffering.

She very much appears to be justifying it saying that we are all capable of having affairs. That’s not the truth. The truth is her H had an affair and she is hurt and trying to make it better by painting everyone with the same brush or blaming the OW. Instead of saying he did it and now he has to make a massive effort to make it up. All the blame is on him! The only trouble with that notion is that it must deeply hurt and can you ever be with a man that causes you such deep hurt. Awful heartbreaking situation.

I’m not letting the fella off the hook. It’s his doing; but I’m also arguing that an ow is hardly a symbol of virtue either and not faultless.

I don't think anyone fundamentally disagrees with you but in the case the fella has been let off the hook.

WhoamI83

Quite. The op is sadly the innocent party who has to pay the ultimate price.
So, regardless of whether we think she’s bonkers taking back a cheat, she deserves the support she’s asked for.

How do you know it was exaggerated. You can only go on what he says as you were not there. Why do you believe him and not her. She has nothing to lose by telling you the truth.

I’ve been there OP so I understand what you are feeling and saying. We didn’t stay together because those thoughts you have in your head I had them too. They were going to kill me via depression, unhappiness, anger and anxiety. My life was worth more than that so I kicked him out.

Yes there seems to be a massive price to pay for her. Being betrayed then having to forget, that line can not be uncrossed ever so what does it cost a person to continue in the marriage? How does it change you, becoming distrustful, bitter, frustrated, on alert all the time. Like the post refers to, how can you un know what you know. Stay or leave, neither great choices

It’s like the words of that Rod Stewart song “is this the thanks I get for loving you”.

Fuck him

Op - I think you have been treated really unfairly on here. In answer to your question I think your strength will get you through, you have held your head up high and I think you are pretty amazing - along with some therapy I think you will be just fine xxx