Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

In my opinion the best thing to do is to take the OW out of the picture and to not focus on the actual words she said. Instead look at it as a man having a physical affair with a a women having an emotional affair. She is very emotionally angered. I expect she has been told a multitude of untrue things about you just so he can keep the physical side going. In a way he has manipulated her for his physical gain, perhaps not realising the consequences of getting her emotionally attached too much. The things she has said to you I expect he has said but did not really mean, he just wanted to have sex. She is now in the mind side that if she goes down she will take the whole lot of you down with her. She sent you those msgs to punish your husband not you. I think you may have to accept that your husband told her lots of lies about you so he could have sex. He is to blame even if the lies are not true. In a way then what she says has no power because they are lies, he did not mean what he said. The power comes from the fact that he said them to have sex with another women because he thought at the time his needs were greater then your marriage.

Yes, bringing that crap home to your wife is shitty. But could just as easily be a sign of someone at a loss for how to get rid of it.

A man who is able to conduct a sexual affair with a co-worker and hide it from his wife can't think of a single way of disposing of an unwanted gift?

I think some people on MN have often had very narrow life experiences and because some things are entirely outwith their own experience assume they can't possibly be true. That women or men can't or wouldn't behave a certain way. They can, and do. Just because you haven't witnessed it doesn't mean it doesn't or can't happen.

No, I don’t think this is true. I had a fairly Wild Youth, with numerous “out there” experiences. Many would have described me as promiscuous. I had a lot of fun. However, I have been 100% faithful to my husband because I have integrity and the relationship is important to me.

Fidelity isn’t just for those with “narrow life experiences”.

@pinksalmon

Totally agree, and anybody would have just said it was a gift from work and then disposed of it discreetly. This guy got his wife to do that.

So posters now have narrow views and no life experience. Ok.

OP I don't think you're pitiful or weak. And I agree with you about the complexity of affairs, circumstances and motivations. And although I feel very confident in myself right now that I would never cheat, perhaps it would be arrogant of me to predict my future like that.

But, how do you know, amongst all the possible complexity - which circumstances and which story is yours? When deceit and lies are present how do you glean the truth out of them?

And I agree there are many motivations to maintaining a relationship - love, children, financial situations, living circumstances, and also the desire to control the narrative to yourselves and others - 'We are the perfect family, we are not the sort of people that experience this, and if there are issues we manage them in-house to maintain the perfect exterior and life trajectory'.

@pinksalmon totally agree last person you'd give it to was your wife to get rid of it's rubbing her nose in it

A man who is able to conduct a sexual affair with a co-worker and hide it from his wife can't think of a single way of disposing of an unwanted gift?
Like I said, one option is to pretend it came from someone else. It's a stupid option, but not necessarily a sign that he deliberately planned for the wife to take it to the charity shop because he enjoyed that idea. (I agree that's also possible, though, as my exh did things of that kind because he found it exciting.)

@ravenmum

The Husband gave the gift to his wife to take to the charity shop because he hated it. He had the option to dispose of it himself but didn't. Maybe it didn't occur to him how tawdry that is, but it doesn't exactly show him to be an enlightened person either way.

I’d never be the OW.....unless it was my shit hot dentist....then his wife would go down!!! Jokes, but he is seriously hot!

Hi op
Any post about affairs and how to recover from them on mumsnet inevitably become about attacking the surviving wife for not hating her husband enough and giving the affair partner headspace.

Pop over to survivinginfidelity website. It's a much better space to help you heal and you won't have to defend your position.

It's been a couple of years since I was informed by my best mate she'd had an affair with my partner. She picked the worst possible time to tell me as well. Even then when she had been my closest friend since childhood mumsnet would not permit me to have any negativity towards her.

We have no contact with her.
My partner has read and followed the book
How to help your partner heal for your affair and we are better than we have been for a long time. I have more power in the relationship and I feel emotionally safe now thanks to advice from the SI website.

I still have moments when I think about what I know, I had a nightmare about it last night in fact, but it doesn't have the sting it once had. We talk it through together.

I've been on MN on and off for many years, well over a decade.

I have seen any number of posts, even posted some myself, about people's responses or behaviours in certain situations to which various posters will reply inferring that couldn't possibly have happened, that people don't behave like that.

I've been called a c*nt by complete strangers in the street several times in my life, I have been assaulted (physically and sexually), threatened with being beaten up (most recently by a neighbour because I asked him not to block my drive - reported to the police but they felt no action was required), investigated by social services because of a malicious report by my child's school (no action thankfully). All this predates recent events - but when I have previously shared some of these experiences, posters have been sceptical, doubtful, said 'that didn't happen' - the police would have given a warning. Or, it couldn't have happened as you said, people don't do that. Or the school wouldn't have said that without cause, no smoke without fire.

Except these things, and far worse, do happen every day. They're not even particularly unlikely. No more or less unlikely that this whole performance with the OW.

Oh, and I don't think I said she didn't have any feelings for him. She admitted she knew he didn't love her or have any feelings for her. I'm sure she probably did have some feelings for him despite that, however that doesn't give her carte blanche to vent her anger on me.

I think it’s unfair to say people are not letting her be negative towards the OW. Just to bare in mind that the OW is not the one OP is married to. Hating her will not make any difference. It will gloss over the event and intrusive thoughts will remain until the event is processed correctly.

My exH’s OW seemed unhinged too - very low woman, and not very bright either - but I focused on the person who allowed her into our lives, my exH. I set him free to go to OW - and they didn’t last two years. Luckily, he is not ‘my’ idiot anymore. I repeat myself - if a man treats OW with honesty as OP’s husband claims - the OW would respect him and the woman he chose to spend his life with.

fortheloveofcrisps thank you - I'm sorry you have been in this position too, especially that it involved your best friend, how cruel.

I'm pleased you have found a way past that. I'll look at the site you mention.

Sorry, my point was - you probably better off seeking advice in 18th century houswife’s books.

I believe you about how she has behaved OP, but what does it matter what the OWs motivations were? Why is it important?

@elettra

My point was never that she should have said those things to you, nobody thinks that the OW should have said those things, they are awful. My point is she was fucking desperate and low at that stage in her life. You need to accept that her words were a result of that , and nothing to do with you. You also need to accept that your husbands behaviour at least in significant part got her to that point, and he is by far the most responsible.

You are focusing on the wrong thing, but I'm not going to waste another minute of my life trying to get you to see that. You will only recover if you actually admit what happened. And you are so deep in denial and excuses that you might never get there.

if a man treats OW with honesty as OP’s husband claims - the OW would respect him and the woman he chose to spend his life with.

Maybe, except that isn't what happened.

She knew he didn't love her or have any feelings for her. She has said that herself.

She knew he didn't want to leave. She has said that herself.

So hopefully (unless anyone is going to tell me that in saying that she too was lying...) we can agree he was being honest about his feelings and intentions in that respect, ok? Leaving aside any other lies he may or may not have told.

Even though she knew this, she wanted to be with him, so still did whatever she could to make that happen including contacting me. So please square that with her respecting me?

It doesn't. Because some people aren't nice, aren't respectful. Are unbalanced. Want what other people have, at any cost.

I don't know why it's being assumed that being upset by her vile words, angry at her for contacting me in the manner she did, and so on, means my focus is on her?

It's not. On this thread it is, because that's what the thread was about!

In actual life, as I said, he is held to account and there is much work yet to be done in months if not years ahead.

This thread is odd in what’s its asking. Is it sympathy, if so I’m pretty sure everyone across the board is very sorry for Op. Is it a thread to bash all OW, I’m pretty sure everyone agrees OW are not great to do that. Is it asking how to achieve amnesia, ummm can’t be achieved, like an original poster stated unless you develop a dissociation disorder. Is it justification of the decision to stay, I’m sorry but for most people an affair is a step too far.
I’m so so sorry for the OP, who is a strong women who doesn’t need my pity and has lots of life experience so my advice isn’t acceptable because it’s not backing up the decision to stay. I hope it all works out for you.

None of it is black and white

@elettra It is really. He shouldn'tve done that.

-All this predates recent events - but when I have previously shared some of these experiences, posters have been sceptical, doubtful, said 'that didn't happen' - the police would have given a warning. Or, it couldn't have happened as you said, people don't do that. Or the school wouldn't have said that without cause, no smoke without fire.

Is this not just whataboutism though? Essentially, “mumsnet sees everything through a simplistic lens and therefore the majority view of my husband’s infidelity is missing how complexed and nuanced our relationship really is. Not to mention how unstable the OW is.”

*Even though she knew this, she wanted to be with him, so still did whatever she could to make that happen including contacting me. So please square that with her respecting me?

It doesn't. Because some people aren't nice, aren't respectful. Are unbalanced. Want what other people have, at any cost.*

If you left him, you would get to leave all of your thoughts of her behind as well, because neither would be as relevant. You would have taken back some control.

Looking at this from the outside, what she did or not seems irrelevant. She’s only in your life because he had sex with her. If you stay with him, what you know of her through her contacting you and you stalking her social media will continue to be in the forefront of your mind.

*She knew he didn't love her or have any feelings for her. She has said that herself.

She knew he didn't want to leave. She has said that herself.*

Bit you also said she believed she could get him to.cone around ... And every time he contacted her behind your back, everyone he spent time with her behind your back, everytime he had sex with her, was hope for her that he would come around..

His actions communicated what she believed/hoped, in spite of anything he said.

You also implied he was derogatory towards you to her a d oefhaid implied or told her her body/sex with her was better (?)

Again, that made her think/hope what he was saying was not entirely true and she could change it.

Your husband is responsible for that, regardless of what he officially said.

OP I think you are desperately trying to justify not what he did, but why you are still with him. Seems like you are really struggling with that. You can focus on the OW as much as you want but it still comes down to this- he didnt love or respect you. This wasnt a one off mistake where he broke down through the guilt of hurting you. His hand was forced. And you took him back despite knowing how he feels about you. That is what you are trying to justify to yourself.