Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

agree with all PPs

you don't need him to have a big moment where he admits everything - it's highly unlikely he will

you can leave just because you are unhappy, and it impacts your mental health and self-esteem

set yourself free

OP, my ex was secretive, lied or lied by omission with a lot of things, even things which weren't important. He was also jealous, controlling, emotionally and financially abusive. It was truly awful being with such a man. So much happier out of it. I am now seeing a man who is an open book and the sense of trust and lightness is amazing.

OP to me you have a powerful aura of no longer accepting this kind of bullshit from this man. Imagine life without it!?

I think people on the brink of ending a relationship often need to hear this: you don't need an act or incident as a reason to leave. You don't need any reason.

I think I understand it though; I was similar with my ex. I'd put up with so much for so long, that it felt like I needed that one last thing to push me over the edge. But you don't.

He lies to you. He doesn't respect you. You can't trust him. So the question really is why would you stay?

Also when I insist on explanations, I’m asked why I do this to myself - wouldn’t I be happier if I just left it?

Take off the 'it' and this is the right question.

Over lockdown a serious ex of mine got in touch. It had been years and we didn’t part on good terms - I broke up with him- but he sent me a lovely message saying he had seen a picture of my kids via a mutual friend on Facebook and he wanted to say how beautiful they were and also that there were no hard feelings. We ended up having a long back and forth and chatting and it was really nice and- yes- life affirming. There was nothing romantic/sexual in it as far as I was concerned. This could be like that.

However: I told my husband immediately- it was t a secret; it was at a time where the world all seemed crazy and felt like it was a result of that if you see what I mean; and finally, none of the messages ended with such a flirtatious intention- that “until that happy day” and all of the compliments about her are red flags to me.

I would have to ask about this in your position.

OP this makes me really sad. You don’t deserve it, no one does. It took me a long time to leave and get over my ex. In the end I kind of had to leave him mentally when I was still with him then it was easier to sever all ties.

Can you see a life apart from him? Now I’m free I’m so much more at peace and have found someone really kind and genuine.

@Shimmerpowder

To be honest after 20 years she seems to have accepted it. The kids also know he lies. It's almost as though he believes his own lies. He lies about everything. Two weeks ago he told her and the kids that there were two police cars and a riot van in the next village, plus an armed officer standing outside someone's house. She enquiries on FB if anyone knew what was going on and made herself look a complete fool, no riot van, no armed police and one police car. He isn't still insisting he was truthful. Weeks ago she received a share dividend that went missing. He watched her search everywhere for it, denied seeing it at all. Then she checked the account and he'd paid it in to the joint. When she told him he swore blind he'd told her that he'd done so so that he could tax the car. Her son said "mum, dad did deny seeing it, I remember"

Gaslighting?

He does sound like he has sociopathic tendencies- lots of lies and lies within lies and then total innocence and the rewriting of history (You’re The mad one).

Wearing isn’t it?

Oh god, I've just remember I have another ex like this actually. Who cheated on me with his fiancé 12 weeks before their wedding (I found out about her 4 years later and told her but she decided to stay with him).

Sounds like your DH is one of these men like my two exes. He won't change, this is who he is.

Who cheated on me with his fiancé

Was supposed to say cheated on his fiancé with me (I didn't know she existed)

@Feltlikeanamechange Your poor sister. He sounds like a compulsive liar and fantasist. My husband, I guess, is slightly different to that, he doesn’t make up wild stories. He lies to get himself out of what he perceives as trouble, and by omission. It’s a kind of protective cloak that he can’t discard, so he lies even when he doesn’t need to. But it’s constant and, as Atalune said, wearing...

@wheresmymojo

Oh god, I've just remember I have another ex like this actually. Who cheated on me with his fiancé 12 weeks before their wedding (I found out about her 4 years later and told her but she decided to stay with him).

Sounds like your DH is one of these men like my two exes. He won't change, this is who he is.

He sounds like a charmer... and yes, I’ve come to realise that DH will never change.

Its obvious he's a seasoned liar. Stop trying to work him out. You need to work put why you would not immediately leave someone who is clearly disrespecting you and making a mockery of your marriage.

He won't change. If you are happy to live the rest of your life with a man you will never trust, be prepared to be very unhappy. Or get into therapy x

All I can say is I am so much happier not being married to my husband who couldn’t tell the truth if it meant he looked bad. It’s a disgraceful quality.

I excused it for years. Even took the blame myself. Now I’m embarrassed that I did.

Nope.
He is a liar and he was seeing if she was up for more.

LTB

I don't think it's the lying you need to worry about OP. It's the what he's doing that he 'needs' to lie about. Unless you want to find yourself in serious debt, with no assets to split, and an unfaithful husband you can't afford to split up from you need to separate your finances and keep some divorce proof.

He's clearly a creative bullshitter. Everyone thinks he's wonderful - or do they? At least one of your children know he lies. There must be other women he's hit on. I doubt he's honest at work. There are exes. He's just clever enough to keep you all apart.

Mumsnet is a great place for this - many of us have been through this and there really is a handbook for them. These men all act the same. It's incredible. Mind was a business partner who spent years making me trying to make me think I was mad.

He's gone now and that was the only thing that stopped it. It's not you, it's him

@Vodkacranberryplease Posting this has been quite an experience. I was overwhelmed by the responses and how clearly you can all see it. The truth is, what I posted is a tiny fraction of what has happened. It actually seemed pretty minor to me in comparison (which shows what I’ve got used to) so people seeing it for what it is has been extraordinary. I can see that so many women have been involved with similar personalities, as you say, and it feels like a wave of sanity breaking through the madness of living with it and no one else I know understanding. So thank you all.

@9millioncansofbeans that’s so right. It is disgraceful. Did your husband come equipped with amnesia? Mine does. He can’t remember anything he’s done. I know that if I forgave all today and acted like it never happened, he would never refer to any of it again, and for him the slate would be completely clean.

I'm so glad we are helping you. Keep posting and we will do our best!

@Shimmerpowder The truth is, what I posted is a tiny fraction of what has happened.

I know. Of course it is. I really feel for you, as it can seem like a world that you don't understand and if course the gaslighting and denial keeps it all going.

Amnesia. Oh yes I had that! Genuine seeming bewilderment. He said and done some atrocious things and never once admitted it, never apologised and to this day casts himself as a) a victim and b) my saviour.

They often think of themselves as really good people snd paint you as ungrateful, or combative, or even..,, abusive! The second you start mentioning it you will become 'abusive'. They are great at being a victim and incredibly convincing.

He always accused me of the things he was doing which was sometimes a very handy piece of information as I knew once he started on at me exactly what he was up to.

There is no cure. There is no therapy because they are too ego driven to engage. You can not change them as there is no approach that changes it. No shouting, calm talking, crying, being strong, boundaries, consequences, ignoring - nothing.

That's the main thing you will eventually (hopefully) realise. All you can do is collect written proof, keep a timeline/diary of it and keep your own finances away., plus have your own network of friends. Your mutual ones are ruined, they won't get it and he will turn them against you the second he thinks you're on to him.

They have no real empathy. I finally broke away after realising he was using me for his own means and would do anything to get what he wanted. It helped to be able to see him as not quite human.

But oh they are charming. And so very very believable. He was completely 'love bombing' that woman in that message. If you thought he was single it would be easy to be bowled over by it. And he actually believes his own crap.

We all call it narcissistic personality disorder or bring a narcissist. There are variations on it and I know that's an armchair diagnosis but once you start seeing it and talking to people you can't in see it....

Un see it I mesn!

@Vodkacranberryplease
Oh... that’s weird. Yes. He has painted me as his emotional abuser. I was devastated when I found out that was how he was portraying me for getting upset about being lied to.
I’ve been trying to solve the problem for years, trying everything I could think of to get him to understand what he was doing. Marriage counselling was the first step. We have had four counsellors since then, no change. Separate therapy. But he lied to counsellors so they had no idea of what was really going on. I went to see one who had been thoroughly charmed by him (at their invitation) and she told me to be the bigger person, understand I’d never find anyone better, put a lid on it where possible, consider acting dumb. Even thinking about her used to give me panic attacks. I’m seeing a counsellor myself now who has told me marriage counselling is basically useless for us.
I could somehow take the money lies, the lack of support and the rest of it, despite the misery and loneliness. But once it involves emotional infidelity, it takes thing to another, terrible level. I feel my eyes are now completely open and it’s awful.

@Shimmerpowder, my heart goes out to you. You have had some powerful words of advice here, please take them on board and try to see a better path forward.
You are worth so, so much more than what this manipulative liar is giving you. This does not have to be the rest of your life.

Stand tall, straighten that crown and do not accept anymore bullshit from him. You being strong, informed and proactive are his biggest fears, this is why he manipulates you as he does.
I wish you all the very best.