Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

I think the game playing needs to stop.

Tell him you know they met up (you don't have to tell him how) and say that you did give him a chance to be straight with you earlier. Explain that the secrecy makes it seem very suspicious regardless. Then stop talking for a bit and see what he comes out with.

I would imagine it will be 'chance meeting, didn't want to worry you. all completely innocent, what's wrong with me having friends, you could do the same and I wouldn't mind'.

The answer to all that is it is total codswallop and you now have some serious thinking to do about whether you want to be with such a weak man.

Remember, you are fierce and he is actually rather pathetic right now.

Prepare now for the emails to be deleted. I’ve been there. Thry delete all evidence then, If like me Ex husband, they lie lie lie . The song “it wasn’t me” by shaggy was not based on fiction. I actually think I could have walked in on my ex husband having sex and he would say I was mistaken and need counselling for my trust issues..

A word of warning - It started with a lunch date he didn’t tell me about.

I hope you've got screen shots or photo of these messages because it will be gone as soon as he gets chance, he'll know you're onto him.
Either way, I wouldn't want to waste any more valuable time on him.

Maybe I'm a bit no - nonsense, as for me I would end my marriage.
I'd rather be alone and free than worrying and feeling unappreciated.

I think it’s even more embarrassing because his ex Had met up with him, had an ok time and then shelved it away.

For him though it’s clearly something different and that’s the worrying bit.

And he’s lied.

What now?

If he had been totally honest and said he'd bumped into her and they'd had a drink then that's one thing but to actually blatantly lie? No, I'd confront him properly.

I would print off the email and give it to him. Five years indeed

Bye ...

Thank you all so much. So much insight here. I can see it isn’t acceptable. I’ve just got so used to this kind of thing - lying and secrets - I feel completely unsure about what to think or feel.

From your posts, he's clearly got form for being deceitful already, so it's already not great. What are/were you suspicious of to come across this message?

I’ve just got so used to this kind of thing - lying and secret

No. No you do not have to just get used to it. You have to decide whether you want to be with a man who lies. You absolutely do not have to stay.

What else has he lied about then, op?

Time to salvage your dignity and ltb

If she'd have been willing when they met up he'd have had sex with her for sure. That would make it over for me.

I cant believe he lied to your face about when he last saw her. How did he admit he had "some romantic feelings" (sorry, on phone and can't quote) for her still?? Is she married? (Sorry if you said.)

Is there ANYTHING else going on in his life that might explain really crazy behaviour - apart, I guess, from the usual COVID shitshow???

I'm so sorry OP

If he hasn't cheated already he is lining people up with the classic my wife doesn't get me like you do vibe I suspect.

I’ve just got used to this kind of thing-lying and secrets-I feel completely unsure about what to think or feel.

Living with a practiced liar who thrives on secrecy will destroy your self-esteem. You can choose to stop tolerating his deceit. This time, don’t give him the chance to manipulate and gaslight you. You can take control and tell him it’s over.

You might consider seeking individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem, boundaries and coping strategies. Examine why you have allowed yourself to settle for so little.

I don't think he's passive aggressive, I think he's probably very manipulative and has you doubting yourself. I suspect there's been a lot of deception of various types and you're trying to square it in your own mind because if you're not that kind of person it's very difficult to see - because no one normal can work out why anyone would bother.

Ultimately though your judgement is the one to trust. You know what you think - you just doubt it because he's playing games.

I'm guessing that there are some financial issues and all I can say is act like you believe him, but don't. Dig, get proof, get ready because generally speaking these things are the tip of the iceberg. So you'll need to get all your information long before he knows you're looking.

Trust your gut.

@Shimmerpowder I lived with someone who made me doubt reality and he did so very well because He was skilled at coming accross as a nice inoffensive guy so it was hard to ever match the two together and accept he was not only dishonest but willing to lie no matter what the impact was on me. I’ve been out of it a few years but the effects are still there. I am expecting that this time around you will explain it away in your head as nothing and you can’t prove anything and he’s not that bad really. I’m expecting it as that’s what I did for years as the skill of these manipulator is that they make you feel like it’s all you and not them. But one day you will See your worth and you will no longer put up with it as you truly deserve someone who respects you enough to not lie to your face - that’s the basics. And he failed. And It sounds like he repeatedly fails at this.
Please message me if you feel it would help.

@9millioncansofbeans thank you for this message, and the offer of help, I really appreciate it. My husband, who comes across as relaxed, flexible and good natured, has been lying to me in many different ways for years. He lies until I have rock hard evidence, then changes the story instantly, often to explain how I make him lie. Then ‘forgets’ it almost immediately. It’s a long story and I spent a lots of yesterday writing it up but it was too much for one post. I can explain the back story if you think it would be interesting. I am finding it so useful to have perspective on it from people who don’t know us. Our friends find it hard to believe when I tell them what he’s done. People in similar situations get it and it’s such a relief to hear that.

He sounds like a sociopath OP. Does he also blame you for the fact he ‘has’ to lie?

My ex did this all the time.

@Shimmerpowder

I could have written this exact story on behalf of my BIL. He has lied to my sister for 20 years, it breaks my heart. She will ask him about money he's spent and he says "I haven't spent anything, why don't you go through all the accounts?" She then does nothing, only to find out that he has spent x from the account. I wonder why he lies so blatantly but it kind of works well for him. I guess if someone says "you are welcome to check x y or z " you think they must be telling the truth and you don't bother checking. Then when she discovers he's lied, he swears he told her. Some of his lies are ludicrous. She noticed he'd got himself fb, never been interested before. She noticed he had a Thai lady as a friend, looked at her posts all sexy shots, and he had commented " Mmmm delicious" she showed him the post and he absolutely swore he had not done it and had no knowledge of the post at all. Seriously she could write 20 books on some of the things he's done

Oh my goodness, @Thecraplifethrowsatme, that sounds extremely familiar. I have been told with a completely innocent expression that I can check balances when I know very well that they will tell a different story to what’s he’s told me, and I’ve been aghast at his ability to lie so coolly. But I just couldn’t see it at first. I can’t really deal with it, how does your SIL manage?

@Buggedandconfused Of course it’s my fault. Apparently I have a ‘powerful aura’ and that means I shouldn’t expect to be told the truth. Also when I insist on explanations, I’m asked why I do this to myself - wouldn’t I be happier if I just left it?

I can explain the back story if you think it would be interesting

@Shimmerpowder I would be interested and also I think it might help you to write it out and have us all back you up that how he's acted over the years is not ok. xxx

Also when I insist on explanations, I’m asked why I do this to myself - wouldn’t I be happier if I just left it?

What a wanker!

I think you know all you need to OP. You need a good counsellor to work out why you are putting up with it. You deserve better.