Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

That is a serious breach of trust in my book.

He met her without telling you
He had dinner and drinks with her without mentioning it
He is looking forward to the next time

No, I would be ending our relationship just based on this. You can't trust him at all.

Ewww what a crinefest that was! If she has an ounce of sense she’ll piss her pants laughing at that and show all her mates.

Sorry for you OP.

"Til that happy day"?

Did you marry Mr George Whickham?

Honestly, yes, you've got a problem here. But, he's got no chance with that chat.

cringefest

That's such a besotted email. Sorry.

It sounds like he's more into her than she is him, he text her (presumably no response), then emailed her to try and keep contact open.

I would ask him about it.

I would expect him to be sheepish and say he was wrong to secretly meet up.

We would then have a chat about what we both wanted out of life, what our expectations were and how we were going to achieve them. Together or not.

If he was defensive or in denial we would have the same conversation but it would be based more on my expectations of our relationship and whether he was still on board.

Yup, that's a 'I want to start an affair' email and his behaviour is showing it. Luckily lockdown has curtailed him a bit. What he is saying without words, is that he is more interested in her - or anyone else- than he is in you and your life together. He has one foot out your marriage.

Right now I'd be getting ducks in a line, moving money out of joint savings, finding out what Finances is be entitled to, talking to a solicitor, changing passwords, finding his work payslips or whatever I needed and slowly packing his bags up.

Then I'd pack him 3 bags in the hallway and when he sits down to ask, give him cup of tea, say this isn't working for me, I thought we had a happy life, I'm not sure you're enough for me (make him regret losing you) and I know you are dishonest. We were a partnership and he threw that away. Don't argue any points, then tell him he must leave. You don't care where he goes but he's not staying.

A few weeks or months of the shock of being thrown out, may help clarify his silliness. Or he will use it to go off. Either way, since he's half way out anyway, you've the best chance of upping your status in his eyes- that he realises quickly what he's lose and not take you for granted- but also having some control over how this goes down.

I bumped into my ex the other day. I honestly would go for a drink with him and be friends. He is easy to talk to and I still care about him, as I do lots of people ive lost touch with. I'm over the anger and upse (there was a lot) and wish him well and it's horrible to see him upset (not me related). I 100% do not fancy him. I think its sad so many people jump to that conclusion and think that's his motive. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I thought I'd share my experience to say it's not necessarily the reason.

He’s fishing. The difference in being friends with your ex and being friends with your ex in secret, is the secret bit. You don’t have secrets unless you’re hiding something.

If you’re feeling brave you could start the conversation around where you’ll go when the restaurants start to reopen this week.

Tell him you’ll be going to this gorgeous little Italian place to meet up with your ex again, as you saw him before lockdown and it was magical. He made you feel young again, and he’s so handsome and clever. It’s a privilege to know him.

“Oh no wait, that was you.”

That would end my relationship. He wants her, it's obvious. He went behind your back and he's emailing her mush. Prick.

@Artykitty666 I agree. I like keeping in touch with my exes but do not fancy them one bit. Equally when I’m in relationships I have no issue with them being in touch with their exes.
However, I would never send an email like that. Just like I would never send an email like that to any of my female friends. Nor would I have dinner with any friend regardless of gender and not tell my partner especially after it was obviously so enjoyable for him.

The issue isn't speaking to and meeting up with an old flame. The issue is he's hidden it from you and gone behind your back.
Why would he do that is what you need to ask yourself.

There's a saying; If you have to hide it from your partner, you shouldn't be doing it.

Artkitty that’s not the problem here - him meeting up with his ex because he doesn’t have an issues with the end of their relationship anymore is neither here nor there.

It’s the secrecy but most importantly the fucking cringe email. If you met up with your ex and then sent him that email I’d hope your DP/H has enough sense to kick you out too!

Did she reply op? Could she have text him?

That email is carefully-worded excitement.

You’ve had great advice here OP. He’s defo fishing.

I'd pack his bags. Sorry.

You must be so upset, would he be cool if you did the same with an ex? Probably not, total breach of trust, if he was my DH I would be having words. So sorry OP.

Ugh, I wouldn't be happy with that, at all. What the hell does he think he's doing?

Did a man really write that email?

As a pp said it’s sappy and archaic. More lady with a quill and parchment than a cheating husband. I’d dump him for that.

Fucking hell that's odd. Life affirming? Until that happy day? Did you know you were married to such a cheese puff op?! I would be livid and to be honest that would be the end for me but everyone's relationship and boundaries are different

I would find that catastrophic to be honest.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

If you’re feeling brave you could start the conversation around where you’ll go when the restaurants start to reopen this week.

Tell him you’ll be going to this gorgeous little Italian place to meet up with your ex again, as you saw him before lockdown and it was magical. He made you feel young again, and he’s so handsome and clever. It’s a privilege to know him.

“Oh no wait, that was you.”

Hahaha. Yes do this.