Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

The wording of his messagen to her is strange, very strange, quite formal but emotional at the same time. He does state friendship, but that may be to not come across too heavy for her at this stage and keep her interested.
This is not on, you do not deserve to be treated like this.

"DH is a skilled pass agg, as you can probably tell, doing things which aren’t acceptable but which he can explain as innocent. I found the email while looking for something else because I suspect he is hiding something from me (not sex/relationships)."

So there's more than one thing wrong right now. I agree with the PP who said this is gaslighting, not PA, but whatever it is it's enough that you don't like it. You don't need his permission to find something unacceptable, and you don't need him to agree that he has done something wrong to feel hurt.

What do you want from this relationship? Do you want to fix it?

Searching for her on facebook and liking her posts - he is trying to plant a seed OP.

An ex rang me out of the blue a few years ago and made a pointed comment which I knew instantly was him fishing. It felt terribly disrespectful to my DH and I was really irritated. If I had said to his subsequent messages "yes it would be lovely, hope not too long to meet up", he would have taken this as confirmation that I was still in love with him and carried on until he had secured 'drinks and a meal'. So unfortunately I don't think her message would have effectively shut anything down from his point of view

This has really helped crystallise things for me. I also went back to read her message in the light of comments and it definitely was much of a close down as I thought.

So I raised the issue of exes with him and steered the conversation to this ex. He was evasive, pretending that he doesn’t have any particular feelings for her although said he did sometimes still feel romantic but he seemed to mean it as romantic nostalgia, rather than anything current. He said vaguely that he remembered having a really terrible weekend with her (twenty years ago!) and that means he probably wouldn’t have been happy with her long term.
I said ‘Do you want to see her?’
He said, ‘No, not really.’
‘Doesn’t she live near here, when not in London?’
He pretended not to remember where her family lives, then said where he thought it might be (which was the right place. I know this, because on previous occasions he’s mentioned it without hesitation).
I asked when he’d last seen her and he said about five years ago.
That made me feel a bit sick.
I asked how he’d feel if I saw my ex. He said ‘I wouldn’t mind, it might be nice for you.’
I said ‘Yes, but I would tell you I was seeing him and you would know there’s nothing to worry about.’
He looked a tiny bit guilty then, but said nothing, and that was it, we got interrupted.

You absolutely need to call him out.

If I was hiding something big and someone started questioning me, very specifically and directly about it, I'd pretty sure alarm bells would be ringing astonishingly loudly. Surely he's on to you knowing?

I meant that in a way of that he'll probably be sweating now and covering his tracks. You might find things start getting deleted, not that you're in the wrong or anything!

What disrespectful twat he is to you and your marriage.

That's no friendly email to a friend and especially not one who's an ex and he's gone to great lengths to cover up their meeting.

He wants to get in her knickers and he's definitely fishing to gauge her level of interest here.

That's it? He got a warning hint?

All that does is tell him to be more careful and leave you unable to trust him and constantly looking for signs that he's cheating

He knows that you know now. He's not thick. What you do next I don't know. Sounds like hes is trying to cheat but not getting very far with it.

That’s good that you have told him to cover his tracks better in future. Was that the outcome you were looking for ?

Sadly he will just cover his tracks better now.

Sorry, but there are serious alarm bells for your relationship here, you need to think what would you tell a friend/family member if they told you this was happening to them? You do not deserve to be treated like this, there are so many men that would not do this to their wife. Do not let yourself be pushed around, you only get one life, do not live it in doubt, it will eat away at your self esteem.

Firstly meeting an ex in private is a no go. Even if he asked you, it's inappropriate and actually just down right disrespectful to you and your relationship, regardless of the intent.
Then to lie about when he last saw her when asked, but stating he feels 'romantic' towards her. That's entirely inappropriate itself.
Surely he knows he's been rumbled, is he even bothered?
Plus, if he can lie about that what else can he lie about so freely? Will you now be paranoid whenever he is out? Could they have met before?
Encouraging you to see your ex, 'it may be nice' - what the hell. That's projecting what he has done and actually quite cruel. What a weird and cruel thing to say. Does he care if you went off with your ex, is this him hoping you'll do something so he can claim it's your fault?

Sorry for all the harsh questions, but I've had experience of men like this. The woman ends up losing her confidence and self worth and it's not right.

'I asked when he’d last seen her and he said about five years ago.'

He lied to your face.

What more do you want?

Sounds like he is planning an affair. He is definitely a liar. You already didnt trust him over something else.

What are you options?

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again so he has sent her two messages in quick succession.

it felt so easy talking to you is he using the classic, my wife doesnt understand me?

This for me really stands out as creepy And over the top It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you

to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming They get on so well why are they not together? Whats next? Telling her she was the one who got away?

I really dislike your husband right now.

"Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again."
"Till that happy day"

^ So sorry op but these would be the lines that would worry me the most. He is clearly stating his intentions here.

I might feel differently if it was a meet-up with an old flame he told me about and he went out of curiosity but frankly your dh's words don't describe that scenario. His e-mail is too cringy and pleading. And of course he hid it all from you.

In summary; I'm afraid your instincts are correct so stop doubting yourself. Strictly speaking, he hasn't done anything physically wrong yet, but the intention is there to do so. And he's crossed the line by writing that e-mail. It's a serious breach of trust.

The question is what are you going to do about it? . To some extent it depends on what the rest of your relationship is like and what sort of person he is. You can't un- see it it though so best therefore not to be passive I think.

I really like MarkRuffaloCrumble's suggestion! Definitely mention the phrase "life-affirming", hand him his suitcase and say you need some space to think. Mention a serious breach of trust but don't over-explain or justify. Don't wait around reacting to his thoughts and actions. Change the dynamic so you are in the driving seat. Good luck

When married you are justified in expecting honesty and transparency. Don't second guess yourself op or be too nice and understanding "he has been under a lot of stress lately etc" however tempting that may be. He didn't afford you the same consideration when writing that email.

I saw a very close friend of mine experience something similar to you and she forgive and forgave for many years but I'm afraid it didn't end well (but she came through it well ultimately and feels sorry for him now as he has lost the respect of his dc).

"That happy day". He's so pathetic.

The long and short of it is that you can never have a secure and comfortable retirement with this man, because at any point he may leave you, take part of the savings and force the house sold.

He is totally untrustworthy, he'll never stick around to be your nursemaid, so don't stick around to be his.

He met up with his ex on a date secretly...

Sent fishing emails flattering her and talking about wanting to see her again...

And then blatantly lied to your face when you asked him if he’d seen her.

I’m so sorry. Your marriage sounds dead in the water. He doesn’t respect or love you in the way you deserve if he’s capable of the above.

That’d be me done. Why wait until he’s got his dick wet? It’s not even the act of cheating that’s the betrayal here it’s the fact that he has risked everything to see her, wants to pursue it and feels comfortable lying to his wife’s face. Done done done.

He met up with his ex on a date secretly... Sent fishing emails flattering her and talking about wanting to see her again... And then blatantly lied to your face when you asked him if he’d seen her.

These three points. It really is all you need to know and I would never say LTB lightly.

Yep he wants to start an affair with her.
Yep he is lying to you.
Yep there are other things going on in your marriage too.
You don't trust each other, he's not in love with you, he's a liar and a cheat.

End of marriage methinks.

So when you asked him when he last saw her, he looked you in the eye and straight up lied. Do you really need more evidence that you DH isn't so D after all?

Well the lying would confirm it for me. I'd be out.

Just to add, his next line when called out might be something like 'I didn't tell you because I knew how you'd react', that's a phrase my exh used when he was caught in a lie. Shifting the blame to you. Please, please don't buy it.

What else has been happening @Shimmerpowder ?

Urgh OP. I feel for you.