Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

245 replies

Shimmerpowder · 04/07/2020 10:12

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

OP posts:
dooratheexplorer · 04/07/2020 14:09

Ugh! What a creep! I would be livid.

He would be like a rat up a drainpipe if she was up for it, wouldn't he?

I would kick him to the kerb now. No excuses.

Notapheasantplucker · 04/07/2020 14:10

If there was nothing more to it, he wouldn't have hidden it from you.

DontStandSoClose · 04/07/2020 14:15

I think the minute anyone starts private messaging ex’s and worse meeting up behind your back you are entering emotional cheating territory, whether or not it’s gone further. Your husband’s email is so ott and 🤮 though, I’d run a mile if I received that even if I was at some point interested. He was deffo fishing as others have pointed out and seeing if she’ll take the bait. I wouldn’t trust him again to be honest whether he’s just been out for a drink, it’s the sneakiness of it that is all off, he’s clearly looking for more from her.

Artykitty666 · 04/07/2020 14:50

Yeah to be honest, reading it again it's pretty intense! I'm all for being friends but if my ex emailed me that, I'd think he was odd (unless he always used quite intense language like that) and wouldn't reply! I fully agree with the posters who pointed out I was not thinking it through properly!

OhToTheGoatWeMustGo · 04/07/2020 15:00

@Shimmerpowder you okay ?

Cocobean30 · 04/07/2020 15:22

Absolutely pathetic man Sad as people have said he’s putting the feelers out. I wouldn’t do anything yet, I would wait for her reply. If she gives him any indication she is interested he will become more intense and more incriminating and you can use that evidence for a divorce. Regardless of if she responds etc I’d still leave him after this email, I’d just want to see if this progresses first.

Original poster
Shimmerpowder · 04/07/2020 15:22

Dear everyone, I am okay, thank you. Thank you for your amazing replies. I have some background to fill in, but have been busy today and not had the peace/time to reply properly. This is my first post, I’m still working out how to communicate, so I hope this works, I will reply to other posts properly. The overall consensus is that it is not okay, which is what I felt but DH is a skilled pass agg, as you can probably tell, doing things which aren’t acceptable but which he can explain as innocent. I found the email while looking for something else because I suspect he is hiding something from me (not sex/relationships). She did respond, closing him down politely (yes, lovely to see you too, let’s hope it’s not too long etc etc). Meanwhile he is searching for her on FBook, liking her posts etc. He doesn’t know I’ve seen this email yet.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2020 15:26

The overall consensus is that it is not okay, which is what I felt but DH is a skilled pass agg, as you can probably tell, doing things which aren’t acceptable but which he can explain as innocent.

He's not passive-aggressive, he's a manipulative gaslighter. You can't trust him.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 04/07/2020 15:30

There is a reason she is an ex, and seems as if she possibly broke up with him?

I have an ex on FB, and when we talk about meeting up, it's more along the lines of all meeting up including spouses, kids etc.

He is not being honest with you.

puzzledpiece · 04/07/2020 15:31

Till that happy day
🤮

With bells on.

Windmillwhirl · 04/07/2020 15:36

and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

That bit sticks out to me. He's saying what they have is special.

I agree he was feeling out what she felt because the text reply he got from her (if she did reply) was not enough

YouJustDoYou · 04/07/2020 15:43

He's completely angling/fishing for an affair/ego boost from the attention. Typical stupid twatty immature man.

MsDogLady · 04/07/2020 17:48

...doing things that aren’t acceptable but which he can explain as innocent.

He is pursuing this woman and telling her that he adores her. He is making a mockery of you and your marriage.

This would be the absolute dealbreaker for me. I would lose all respect for him, and I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to lie, minimize, and ‘explain it as innocent.’ This would be the end.

If this isn’t your dealbreaker, you should give him a sharp shock by sending him away for a good while as a consequence.

OVienna · 04/07/2020 17:54

He sounds verging on the obsessed tbh.

I never suggest contacting the OW but I was briefly contemplating it here, not to blast her but to her her on side to give you the head's up if things escalate. Can you imagine her copying you into her next email reply???

"Bugger off, creep!"

keepingbees · 04/07/2020 19:03

She did respond, closing him down politely (yes, lovely to see you too, let’s hope it’s not too long etc etc).

That's not closing him down.

back2good · 04/07/2020 19:04

I'm sorry your DH is showing himself to be a sneaky creep, OP.

You'll have to decide what you want your life to look like going forward and whether or not you want to live with someone who behaves in this manner, ie, actively looking to cheat on you.

MsDogLady · 04/07/2020 21:01

I agree with keepingbees that she did not shut him down. She is open to meeting again.

PermanentCobOn · 04/07/2020 21:16

Your DH is making a right tit of himself. She met up with him but is clearly not interested. So, he's throwing his marriage down the drain for NOTHING.

I would confront him with this information with his bags packed in the hallway.

Cocobean30 · 04/07/2020 22:09

He sounds awful. You already know he will try to gaslight you and minimise what he’s doing, reread it’s innocent friendship etc, claim the email he sent is not incriminating because he doesn’t spell out that he wants to cheat, but everything he is doing is clearly showing he wants to. Don’t let him talk you out of leaving him if you decide to. You deserve better he is a waste of space

wheresmymojo · 04/07/2020 22:18

When I was younger (about 8 yrs ago) I had an affair with someone I'd been on/off with in my early 20s.

He was married, I was not.

This is very, very, very similar to how it started. I don't have the email but it was very similar and sent after we caught up in the same way for dinner and drinks.

His initials are DT just in case it's the actual same person

Dollyrocket · 04/07/2020 22:53

His message is super cringe.. 🤮

If I’d received this after lunch with an ex (now a sort of distant-ish friend) I’d be thinking what a loser he was.

I would be doubtful this is his only attempt at cheating.

Socialdistancegintonic · 04/07/2020 23:54

Meanwhile he is searching for her on FBook, liking her posts etc. sorry what a betrayal. I think I’m with others. It’s probably not just her. One meeting and he’s super obsessed? Likelihood is he’s got form for this. Crushes on women at work... his mindset is not good. He has left your relationship already in his head.

Has he been looking at other women’s profiles on FB?

Flittingabout · 05/07/2020 06:47

I wouldn't be too quick to say she closed him down. If her reply was "yes and do bring X I'd love to meet her" that would be a close down.

RantyAnty · 05/07/2020 07:35

Without her complete message, it's hard to say if she shut him down.

I sometimes chat with my ex but it's more mundane stuff. Buying a new hoover, moaning about work, plants, etc. We're both single though.

LucyLikesDiamonds · 05/07/2020 07:53

It’s wrong that he didn’t tell you he was meeting up with an ex and then that email!

I would imagine if confronted he will totally deny there’s anything wrong with the situation, possibly deflecting back on you, telling you you’re paranoid etc and using that as an excuse for the reason he didn’t tell you.

Unfortunately I’ve been there and it’s awful.

How has your relationship been? Has he been distant before this?