Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

He went on a date with her essentially.

Then told her how much he loved seeing her, complemented her, and told her how 'life affirming' it was seeing her and wants to do it again.

Then hid the fact he went on what was essentially a 'date' and the follow up fishing message from you.

Imagine if you had done these things with an old flame or on/off man from your past... think your DH would be pleased? Highly doubt it ... so why should you.

I could confront him calmly. Ask him why he thinks it was acceptable to go on a date with an ex, then follow it up with a lovey dovey message, all behind your back. Because you know if your situations had been reversed, he'd be right to be aggrieved and upset. Then let him talk.

This would hurt me OP and I’d be worried about old feelings re-surfacing for him.

I would tell him how it made you feel and then distance myself. Go out with friends, spend more time on hobbies and give him the space to see what he would be jeopardising if he were to pursue an affair I.e. losing you.

I bumped into my ex the other day. I honestly would go for a drink with him and be friends. He is easy to talk to and I still care about him, as I do lots of people ive lost touch with. I'm over the anger and upse (there was a lot) and wish him well and it's horrible to see him upset (not me related). I 100% do not fancy him. I think its sad so many people jump to that conclusion and think that's his motive. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I thought I'd share my experience to say it's not necessarily the reason.

ArtyKitty, I would happily have a meal and a chat with several of my ex-es as well. But I would also tell my DH, as it wouldn't be a secret, he would be more than welcome to join us if he wanted to, and I wouldn't sent an email like that as a follow up and hide it from my DH. Friendship is obvious and out in the open. That email isn't about 'friendship'.

[quote 9millioncansofbeans]@Artykitty666 I agree. I like keeping in touch with my exes but do not fancy them one bit. Equally when I’m in relationships I have no issue with them being in touch with their exes.
However, I would never send an email like that. Just like I would never send an email like that to any of my female friends. Nor would I have dinner with any friend regardless of gender and not tell my partner especially after it was obviously so enjoyable for him.[/quote]
Yup

It's a 'want to start an affair' email. There is nothing platonic about that email even though it doesn't say anything sexual. It's worse in some ways as it indicates she's central to his happiness.

He's a creep , one who wants to be a cheating creep. There is no innocent explanation here and OP knows it, that's why it hurts so much reading it.

As I said - he has one foot out of your marriage.

Be wise how you deal with this. I'd take back the power and be in control with dignity.

It's one of your best options to draw a line so firm that if it works he will never ever risk doing this again. If it doesn't work, well you have your dignity, your clarity (don't underestimate the relief of a definite decision, hanging around waiting on them to decide is soul destroying) and are feee to find a new marriage/ partner that does deserve you and isn't a creep hankering after his ex.

@Minniee

WTF? He fancies her and he's trying his luck.

What a prick.

Yes indeed! Even if nothing else happened he was/is clearly gagging for a response. One nod from her and they'd be at it. Sorry

I think your phrasing "I'm scared" demonstrates the balance of power in your relationship.

Instead of being livid, thinking "fk you", thinking about your other options .. you're scared. Scared he'll.leavd you, like you'll.sit around being left or trying to stop him from leaving ... Not "I'll leave you/kick you out, you chancing, verging on unfaithful bastard, you'll be very lucky if I stay with you having seen this" etc.

I have a feeling he knows this too; that you'll never leave and that he's in a position of power. Presumably that's part of why he thinks he can go on (as another poster had said) something approaching a date with another woman behind your back, follow up with flattering, licky comms, trying to form a bond and get another meeting asap .. and if you were to find out, u reckon he thinks he can underplay it all and you'll roll over and not do anything about it, just hope he doesn't leave you.

I could be totally wrong but I just get the impression you have a pretty unequal power balance in your relationship. You're not both equally scared at losing each other. You're not both equally committed/invested.

He may not be actively (or even consciously) trying to have an affair, but the whole tone of that message screams midlife crisis. What stands out to me is the 'you're so easy to talk to' bit.

But you haven't said anything about the state of your marriage OP. I think that would determine how worried I would be about this.

It would be the end for me too. I’m sorry OP.

Excellent advice from ikeptgoing in both posts. I’d do that.

What an arsehole. He doesn’t deserve you. Now he needs to grovel in his knees to keep you, or fuck off forever.

He's a snake OP. And he fancies her. That is his pathetic attempt at communicating it to her and angling for more but not wanting to be rejected. They aren't friends, they don't know each other anymore, there is no 'friendship' to value. He just means the feelings are still there and he can't wait to see her again.

I feel sorry for both you and his ex actually, he sounds manipulative. Trying to lure her by naming it a friendship (so there is less chance of her thinking its wrong, and he can use the fact to 'prove' it was only a friendship to you when you ask ) It's obviously not a friendship for him and nobody speaks that way to a friend/acquaintance and he has been extremely calculated here in the planning of this OP.

He'll have had her on the brain and been chatting to her for a while before he met up with her as well surely , you don't meet up from nowhere do you.

I'm sorry OP, he's embarrassing.

I think I would be more pissed off about how terribly cliche it all is OP. I am so sorry but you are going to have either lose your dignity by ignoring it or have an awkward convo about trust...

He is trying to suss out whether they could rekindle without explicitly saying so.

I would interpret it as he is trying to start an affair with her.

This would be a deal breaker for me OP as I would always be wondering if I was second best. I'm sorry

I wouldn't mind if my husband met up with an ex or if he emailed her.

I would mind massively if he kept this from me. Plus the wording of this email is a bit creepy and wrong.

Oh god, what a cliche he is. He really believes that this is how women like to be talked too? It’s so cheesy and OTT it’s embarrassing. Especially when considering he’s a married man!

I’d print off this thread for him and tell him he needs to work on his chat-up lines before showing him the door.

For contrast OP I met up with a now married, dear old friend / some time old flame in January and this is what he text me afterwards :

Lovely to see you mate. I'm happy you're doing so well and wish we'd seen each other more often. Hopefully you can come and visit me and soon, I know she's really looking forward to meeting you. Lots of love.

What your partner wrote is totally different even though a lot of the sentiment is similar.

He’s either wanting an affair (behind your back),
wanting to be with her (without you), or he’s wanting a shag.

Whichever one it’s bad.
He can’t be trusted.
He will try it again.
He’s clearly not fully satisfied with the relationship he is in with you and wants more.

Be ready for the angry outburst when you confront him and he says:

‘But we’re just friends that’s all, I’m innocent and not in the least interested in the content of her undergarments’. Blah blah.

Do not believe him. If he wanted to be friends with her in an open and honest way he’d have told you he was meeting her. He hid it.

And don’t fall for the ‘But if I’d have told you then you’d have complained’ crap either. He hid it and he knows exactly why. Because he was up to no good.

Sorry OP. Not looking good for your relationship. If you want to stay with him then you need to discuss what he wants in your relationship and consider if you are happy with it. A common problem on here seems to be that the guy doesn’t get enough sex. If he wants it every night and you want it twice a month you are not compatible.
Start working out what YOU want from life. Perhaps you value the security and cushy life together but no longer love him anyway? Or perhaps you’re still crazy for him, I’m which case I’m sorry for the hurt this will cause you.

He's a cringey creep

May I just say though that as sorry as I am for the OP, I find it quietly encouraging that nobody is directing the blame here at the ex rather than OP's sleaze of a husband. I wonder if she knows he's married.

If ever in doubt, ask yourself... Would he send that/say that to a male friend?

Op, sorry but have to agree with everyone else having been in a similar situation.

If he just wanted to say thanks, he wouldn't need to be telling her how wonderful she is.

@Jennifer2r

For contrast OP I met up with a now married, dear old friend / some time old flame in January and this is what he text me afterwards :

Lovely to see you mate. I'm happy you're doing so well and wish we'd seen each other more often. Hopefully you can come and visit me and soon, I know she's really looking forward to meeting you. Lots of love.

What your partner wrote is totally different even though a lot of the sentiment is similar.

I would have NO problem with this if it was my spouse. The email OP found as you say is a different kettle of fish

That would be the end for me.

’Till that happy day’

🤮

She just met up with him, she didn't know he hadn't told his wife, and apparently she didn't respond to a text so then he sent that email

He's practically begging that woman to have an affair with him. What a twat. Perhaps he'll rent a shining suit of armour and a white steed to deliver her some flowers next time.

What cringe. He's definitely angling for something. I'd be done.

But I probably wouldn't have posted the email in full on here.

DH did something similar over lockdown. Reconnected with a long (30+ years) lost ex. However, all on social media and he did tell me he was “friending” her. I was a little suspicious and found their conversation.
The content did hurt and I called him out. He admitted he was bored and it did relight the fire initially but then it also overwhelmed him with the hurt and confusion he’d felt when she messed him around for months then dumped him.
He has a long memory and finds it difficult to forgive, this I know having been with him for nearly 3 decades. He had decided to take his revenge once she had taken the bait. I was even more angry at this. I took the decision to end it for him. I was lucky that I had sensible advice and although difficult a good heart to heart may not leave you with the reasons you want to hear it will give you a starting point.
DH and I are both responsible for the health of our relationship and am not completely innocent of blame. The last couple of years have been very stressful for lots of reasons. I have mentally strayed from our relationship which he is aware of. In some way lockdown has probably focussed our attention on fixing things.
Don’t shy away from confrontation OP, men are terrible communicators emotionally. It may not be the most comfortable conversation and it may not be spontaneous, it took my DH two weeks to open up completely.