Husband’s secret email to his ex - what does it mean?

[Shimmerpowder]

I’ve just discovered that in February, before lockdown, my husband met up with an old flame without telling me. He was in town for work trip and secretly arranged to meet her for drinks and dinner. The next day he emailed her:

I know I texted you yesterday to say thanks for meeting up, but I wanted to say it again because I really enjoyed myself last night and it was so good to see you again. I really value our friendship and it felt so easy talking to you and hearing all of your stories about your life, friends and family. It’s quite a privilege to know someone as clever and funny as you, and to be able to pick up so quickly after not having seen you for years felt very life affirming.

Anyway hopefully it won’t be long till we meet again.

Till that happy day

X

I feel frightened by this, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable. I know this person but not at well, he had a kind of on-off thing with her before we got together. He has been ‘friends’ with her (but barely in touch and never seeing her) for fifteen years. If he’d wanted to meet up with her and told me, I would have been okay with it, but not ecstatic. But he has hidden it.

What should I think?

@wildcherries

What cringe. He's definitely angling for something. I'd be done.

But I probably wouldn't have posted the email in full on here.

Why not ? There’s only two people in the world who could recognise it - the sender and he recipient.

The sender knows he’s out of order so he might as well know that now his wife knows what he’s planning.

And the recipient probably knows what he’s up to, as she hasn’t replied.

Oh no, this does sound like he’s fishing for another date. I’m sorry it’s just hard to read any other way.

It doesn’t read like they are having an affair yet though.

I do think in life in general couples do meet other people and occasionally have a spark without looking for it. It’s human nature to have chemistry with people. It’s what you choose to do about it that defines your substantive relationship/marriage. He should have said “nice to see you, honestly had a great time but I don’t think we should meet again”. He hasn't though which means he’s at least thinking about an affair.

I would just call him on it. Potentially it could be a wake up call to him. If not he’ll pursue the affair anyway and there’s nothing you can do about that anyway.

He went on a date.

Not acceptable. Disrespectful. Disgusting. Relationship ending. He doesn’t value you at all.

It’s time to do a “hard discard” at the very least it’s important to protect your dignity and self esteem because right now he has shit all over that. Imagine what she’s thinking “that poor cow I could take her husband if I wanted”

Big fat no.

If it was me, I’d not say a word. No point because you can’t turn back time and I wouldn’t want him anymore after this. I would secretly find somewhere else to live (rent) and hire a solicitor. I would organise for my stuff to me moved and not tell him and leave the divorce papers and a copy of the email on the coffee table as I’d left. I’d personally not talk to him ever again. He would no longer have the pleasure of my company. He’d be dead to me.

@Artykitty666, no one sends an email like that without trying to start an affair. That and the secrecy is the issue.

I think this is such an insight into affairs. He is trying to be unfaithful and if it developed I am sure he would say "we just met by accident and fell in love". The reality is he worked bloody hard to try it on with her and of she knocked him back I think he would line up someone else.

Op, you don't deserve this. This isn't your fault, his weakness and insecurity is causing him to seek attention/excitement outside of your marriage. Has is he behaving towards you? You might notice that he is dismissive or irritated with you which tends to be the pattern.

Yep, I'd leave someone over this. Lying sod, I'd never be able to trust him again.

Yuk. Not great at all. til that happy day yuk yuk. And the fact that he obviously liked it being a secret.

He is fawning over her. Reminds me of an Ex who would be like this over his Exes. He just loved the attention.

He may just be being egotistical and silly, there obviously isn’t anything going on, however it is massively disrespectful of you and your relationship with each other. I would immediately distance myself from your husband. Let him know how massively hurt you are. Ask him directly how he would feel if you met up with your Ex and did this?

He needs a big kick. He needs to know that you aren’t just passively going to be taken for granted. Unfortunately in my experience just saying you are hurt is not enough. He has to physically feel it - whether this is you asking him to leave for a month, or whatever. Or you go on holiday without him. Do something active otherwise he won’t feel it. Sorry for you he’s treating you like you don’t exist with this woman.

God I’d be gutted to find an email like that.
How are things otherwise? Anything else to suggest he’s unhappy or you don’t have his full attention?
Don’t know what to suggest. Even if you have it out with him he’s going to lie and deny given he didn’t even tell you he met up with her.
Sorry OP.

I think he is deciding whether to pursue an affair and testing the water sorry OP.

Are you ok op??

He admitted he was bored and it did relight the fire initially but then it also overwhelmed him with the hurt and confusion he’d felt when she messed him around for months then dumped him.
He has a long memory and finds it difficult to forgive, this I know having been with him for nearly 3 decades.

Not overwhelmed at the guilt of hurting you though?
Do you find it difficult to forgive his shit sneaky behaviour? Or is it only him that is allowed to be unforgiving?

I find that email really cringeworthy. 🤮

He has lied by omission and he is seeking future interaction with her. As for the e mail it is vomit inducing and any sensible woman should stay well away from him , including yourself.

Sorry that wasnt very helpful, cringe aside, him secretly meeting up with her is pretty appalling but that and the email not exactly a dealbreaker, unless there are other issues.

@GilbertMarkham

Angling for an affair.

Already getting into a (one sided?) emotional affair.

The fact that he wasn't open and honest about meeting her is huge.

Then there's that licky, ott follow up. Flattering and trying to (further) forge their connection.

He's not trustworthy, sorry.

He either wants an affair (emotional and/or physical) or he would leave if she got involved with him.

I'd say nothing while I had a careful, comprehensive look at your situation if you were to split/ he were to leave you.

I have no doubt of you confront him, you'll.be "overreacting", and it will have been nothing, and he didn't tell you because it didn't matter and blah blah blah.

^^ This

Till that happy day? I would leave him for that mortifyingly cheesy line alone

Sounds like he's fishing - testing the waters. But what would piss me off far more than this email is how he met her without telling you.

Has OP been back?

Sorry op I’d agree, he’s interested in her.

However your reaction is concerning,,you say “you’re frightened”. Not angry, pissed off, jealous, but frightened. Are you reliant on him?

Agree with the others, he's fishing. I'm so sorry OP, not a nice thing to discover.

He fancies her for sure.

Also, that's a really needy message.

Given the chance he'd cheat on you with her, he's already met her in secret so shows his intentions right there, that email is dodgy and he is angling for an affair without a doubt - trying to get a conversation going, very over complimentary...not good OP, he'd be shown the door.

@iMatter

He fancies her for sure.

Also, that's a really needy message.

Yes it’s a bit begging. I agree.

Ew.....

He may not be actively (or even consciously) trying to have an affair, but the whole tone of that message screams midlife crisis. What stands out to me is the 'you're so easy to talk to' bit.

Well yes as maybe midlife crisis easy to talk to woman??

Begs ye question if it was soo very good then why didnt it work then?.

Seems he wants something he hasnt got, perhaps she was the one he for some reason couldnt get but wanted before? Happened to me the once but some years on mature and sensible enough to now know that its got to work BOTH ways round and if it don't it ain't going to fly.

What to do about it?, I've heard some women say I could forgive him "one bite" of the forbidden fruit and i betcha bottom dollar that happen's a lot more then we'd like to think it does even in seeminly otherwise good relationships.

So up to you OP, call him out on it tell him you've seen it and find it upsetting and start a convo on what don't you like here, this hurts me you know? why are you doing this??

I sometimes think this caper is a bit of madness that comes and goes!

Just one other question where did you find this mail?, were you having a snout thru his mail as i sometimes find it rather odd how men hardley cover their tracks in such instances. Thus further proving its a form of illusion and a disturbance of the mind!

So "Until that happy day":)

Bang out of order. FWIW, I have a couple of X's on FB. We occasionally message each other. Sometimes to pass on news of someone's death, or general chit-chat. Nothing I would have a problem with DH seing. This is not one of those messages. What are you going to do OP?