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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please talk to me ..........[sad]

197 replies

fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:35

i have to tell dp tm==onight that i no longer love him because i am fed up to the back teeth (though it's now ogne beyond that feeling) of his controlling ways. it's not as bad as some men but i still hate the feeling of being controlled. i have asked and asked him int he past not to do it and he does stop - but then it starts again so am not sure he knows he's doing it anymore.
((my last relationship before him was very controlling to the extent that i couldn't take a walk around my then local park without him(x) accusing me me of playing a new mind game and going to be with the drunks.))
i am starting to feel a lot more the same way as i did last time, i have warned him (dp) about how i felt last time and that i wouldn't put up with it for long but have now firmly realised that i can't go through with it anymore and i can't let dd suffer in this atmosphere any longer.
i am trying to tyoe this really quickly because he has just put dd to bed and i don't want him to catch me doing this, i feel as though i have to be furtive about what i say on mn in case he sess it so i really can't be arsed about namechanging,

i have felt like this for quite a while tryiong to sort out how i feel about him. i have told him before that i no longer feel the same way (ihave told him this before and changed my mind) as i should so maybe he thought i mind change my mind again. i have bad pnd episdodes where i can't feel anything emotional beyond making sure i am caring for my daughter, let alone loving her although that feeling has now come back, i know thta the ones for him won't. i don't like the idea of breaking his heart but my heart is being shredded and i won't go through this any longer. i just don't know how to tell him

i'm sorry fpr long post, it would've been lot longer but i can't decide where to start and keep jumping back and forwards.

please help me

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:39

ps i had taken my engagement ring off as i no longer feel engaged, he has never looked at one wedidng item adn then he says it's because he didn't do it before, (he got divorced 2years ago). when we first got together, he had an affair with his sep'd wife and i didn't find out til later. i was then pg two yrs ago (after we got back together obv), abnd he was talking with her about getting back together, i phoned him to tell him i was bleeding at 6wks (i had previous mc)- i didn't know he was with her.
i knew at the time that i didn't deal with it , that htere would be a higher price to pay i just ddin't thinkit would mean the end of what i wanted 9 have known for a while that i couldn't see us being married at all). i am trying to get this out really quickly so it's all juimbled

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/09/2007 19:40

oh fransmom

i had no idea you were going through this.. how awful, am so sorry

you have nothing to be embarassed about.

no real advice , except hang on in there, and i hope that you are able to take this brave step towards a more positive life for you and DD

Ulysees · 26/09/2007 19:41

so sorry you're feeling so down I know how hard it is to tell a man you're going, I did it in December and he was a good man, was very hard. We were just friends though nothing else so I couldn't go on.
In what way does he control you?

Ulysees · 26/09/2007 19:43

OH no fransmom, just read the bit about exwife. I don't know how you got over that?

billysitch · 26/09/2007 19:45

Hey there kiddo (fransmom), sounds like you have made the first step and decided on this. Just be strong and brave. I wish I could give you some advice but all I can say is you obviously know this man is making you unhappy so keep reminding yourself of that inorder that you can tell him, and soon.

Best wishes x

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:45

he is 12 yrs older than me and sometimes "pulls rank" especially when i am poorly or down. i am starting to resent things. i always suggest things and two weeks or less, he says it like it's his won idea. i know that most men are liek that but this is beyond a joke. he rarely does anything with dd when he gets home from work. claiming he is too tired hekllo i work too and then i have dd til she goes to bed you git. i am knackered. i wake up when she does, he doesn't so i rarely if ever get a full night's sleep. have tried telling him to go to her but i still wake up before he does anyway.

lulu thta's ok, i haen't said anything before but i have to spill now cos i can't bottle up any longer. it's not your fault, you didn't know [sad }

OP posts:
Dior · 26/09/2007 19:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:47

uly, i still haven't completely. she comes inot the place where i work every now and then even though she really doesn't have to and i am fed up of that. and when i tell him he says oh you odn't need to worry, then a couple of days later it comes up again and he goes all bitter.(which iunderstand in some ways but it leaves no room for me)

i haev heavy lumo in my chesyt now

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:48

dior that cushion was lovely

OP posts:
Ulysees · 26/09/2007 19:49

my ex was 12 years older too. He controlled me by not giving me enough affection, sounds mad but it's true.

So have you definitely decided this is it? No going back?
Is there anything about your relationship that's good?
I knew for a year that my marriage was dead so it was slightly easier I just couldn't leave because of his work stress.

lulumama · 26/09/2007 19:49

he sounds horrible, selfish and mean

and not deserving of a warm, and lovely and giving person like you

is it your home, or his, or joint names? have you sought any legal advice

katylui1 · 26/09/2007 19:50

Oh dear - what a sad OP . You can do it though, just think of your DD. My sister gave me some great advice when I split with DSs dad and its always stuck with me...I'd rather be alone and happy and miserable and together. And if your already miserable, being together will make that worse.

I know its cheesey but it kind of worked for me...

SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn · 26/09/2007 19:53

I feel for you soo much, it is heartbreaking but it will mend in time .. it will be hard at first but it will get easier.

Do you have practicalities sorted out? do you want him to go or do you want to go? Somewhere to stay sorted, what you're going to live on etc?

Keep your chin up, I bet you're a lot stronger than you think you are

Ulysees · 26/09/2007 19:53

that's true katylui, I am much happier but was scared shitless to go it alone. I'd gone from mum's to his house.

Have you ever lived alone fransmom? It's a lot easier than I thought.

katylui1 · 26/09/2007 19:56

You probably don't even want to think about being alone now - but I was on my own with DS for 2 years and it was in many ways the happiest of my life. Am happy now and married etc but being on our own was great - no-one cared that I frequently ate fish fingers for my tea as only DS saw and he thought it was wicked!
You can do this incredibly scary, traumatic thing and come out of the other side better for it...

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:57

i ahve lived alone and he is the first man i lived with.
i have nowhere else to go. this flat is rented (and in my name) last time we got back together after a break up we asked for new rental agreements - he didn't sign. i must admit i didn't push him to and never reaklky wondered why. now i know and i am glad i didn't. some bills are in joint names tho, that won't be hard to sort out. i kind of have a plan about what to do, well i should be now, it's been in the back of my mind for quite a while now.

OP posts:
GodzillasBumcheek · 26/09/2007 19:58

I know it's not much help, but you seem to be acting like a single parent already, so when you do give him the boot, at least you are prepared for the hard work. You sound very upset, but to have fought through this far with pnd and not even saying anything about this - you put me to shame.
You'll manage to work through this too. My thoughts are with you Fransmom.

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 19:59

i keep thnking also that it would be a lot easier to keep things orgniased without him putting things in wrong cupboarsds all time. fed up of hunting fr things when i need them. and gone beyond feed up to back teeth of reminding him where things go.

do you know that dd's ctf has been in place for two years this month and he hasn't put one penny in it? even though i have geivn him the details afew times?????

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/09/2007 20:00

are you going to ask him to leave?

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 20:01

thanks gb. have mentioned it a few times on mn, but use mn as escape froim probs tho soemtimes io do need to post. don't habve many friedns here, am not really a local so to speak so mn is the only place i can find people to tlak to, that's sad is n't it? am having chrity coffee morning sat which i have invited a few local mners too (i thought i was only one) so hopefully things will come of that

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 20:01

will have to lulu, i can'rt put up with him staying here.

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 20:01

as you have noticed been having atatcjk of codshipness

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/09/2007 20:02

tis forgiveable under the circs

Original poster
fransmom · 26/09/2007 20:02

have to log off i need loo [sorry if tmi will try and get back on later

OP posts:
TnOgu · 26/09/2007 20:04

FM - I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.