please talk to me ..........[sad]

[fransmom]

i have to tell dp tm==onight that i no longer love him because i am fed up to the back teeth (though it's now ogne beyond that feeling) of his controlling ways. it's not as bad as some men but i still hate the feeling of being controlled. i have asked and asked him int he past not to do it and he does stop - but then it starts again so am not sure he knows he's doing it anymore.
((my last relationship before him was very controlling to the extent that i couldn't take a walk around my then local park without him(x) accusing me me of playing a new mind game and going to be with the drunks.))
i am starting to feel a lot more the same way as i did last time, i have warned him (dp) about how i felt last time and that i wouldn't put up with it for long but have now firmly realised that i can't go through with it anymore and i can't let dd suffer in this atmosphere any longer.
i am trying to tyoe this really quickly because he has just put dd to bed and i don't want him to catch me doing this, i feel as though i have to be furtive about what i say on mn in case he sess it so i really can't be arsed about namechanging,

i have felt like this for quite a while tryiong to sort out how i feel about him. i have told him before that i no longer feel the same way (ihave told him this before and changed my mind) as i should so maybe he thought i mind change my mind again. i have bad pnd episdodes where i can't feel anything emotional beyond making sure i am caring for my daughter, let alone loving her although that feeling has now come back, i know thta the ones for him won't. i don't like the idea of breaking his heart but my heart is being shredded and i won't go through this any longer. i just don't know how to tell him

i'm sorry fpr long post, it would've been lot longer but i can't decide where to start and keep jumping back and forwards.

please help me

thanks ml x it's just knowing that people are there to bounce ideas off and that are willing to listen that makes me feel a lot better iyswim xxx

you know there is always someoe here to help you out in some way or other,you arent alone x

just lookin to see how you are fransmom and thatyou have come to a decisio about weher to stay in the same house

hi ml, i would be feeling loads better today if it wasn't for this dratted stomach bug. me and dd been wiped out by it today. i didn't think she would sleep again but she gone right out.

things pretty much the same otherwise, i am glad that he was here cos i don't know how i would have coped - though i spose i would've done int he circumstances.i feel much more 'me' now, much stronger than i wouldve done if i had stayed. i am saving for a deposit, though i know it's going to take me a while. he can have the flat, i don't want it anymore - i want to move from here. my brother went home saturday night after staying for couple of nights, he was really sweet- he asked if i minded him talking to xp so i said no (which i don't mind at all). he even gave me £20 to try and help me out and he doesn't earn that much as it is either.

i will have to see how things pan out i think.

it is lovely to have the support of mn, it kept m,e from goign back in the ealry days (lol wehaven't eben split a week yet, wednesday yes.)

thjank you very much ladies xxxxxxxxx

I really wouldn't agree to him staying there, he's doing it so he can carry on being in control, how can you start again with him there? You NEED him to be gone so you can think clearly so you can make your own decisions.

You cannot move on with him there and he knows this.

Tell him you have thought about it and decided he has to go.

He will probably tell you how you won't cope alone, how it will all be too much for you, how it will be your dd that suffers etc etc etc all stuff to try and claw back some control. He will be terrified that you will be strong and break free if he can have one ounce of control he will slowly claw back more and more until you are back where you started. The only way to do this is without him there. Yes it will be hard but it will be so worth it.

Please listen, I was in a bad relationship he tried every trick in the book to get me to stay with him even got his family round to try to convince me - I told them straight if you love me like you say you do then you will let me go you will let me make my own decisions, my own mistakes. That was 6yrs ago, now I have never been happier and i can see so clearly that he was never going to be the man i wanted/ needed but at the time I was a mess, i had hit rock bottom and wondered how i would cope but i have, i have gone from being a scared little girl with nothing, i didnt even have money for rent all i had was my little girl and determination and now I have everything I ever wanted inc another child and a loving partner who will never hurt me or control me, i've even got my own business and have learnt to drive and have a lovely home.) The point of my story is, you can do this too. You can make your life whatever you want it to be. It's not up to him to decide how you will live your life, life is too short for walking on egg shells.

you have made some very good points lmg. when i feel better i will look atthings again. (((((((((lmg))))))))))

Definatly work on getting yourself better (((((((((((((((((FM)))))))))))))))))))

While im here i will add a bit more even though i know you are not up to taking advice right now.

Don't leave the flat, make him move out, you have enough to deal with without moving house, you can get the police to remove him if you have to and if he is persistant you can get an injunction order to prevent him coming to the house (or if he does he will be arrested for breaching his court order)

I'm going to bed now but will come back tomorrow.

How old is your dd btw?

dd is very nearly 2 and half, so old enough to know when i am sad and down. i really hope that thigns don't get to the stage where i have to call police

he said last week that the interent and the sky would have to go, guess what? both still here. at least i don't have to go over to the library for my mn fix but wonder if he will ever get rid of them.

Just popping in to say hi hun.
When ex and I split he stayed put and I moved out and rented. I was terrified as had never lived alone but I love it.
I hope you can start to organise your future and that you feel better soon.

my dd1 was the same age when i was in that situation too she doesnt rememeber any of it thankfully i was 19.

He is still controlling you by saying that about the sky and internet if you were on your own you would be in total control of it. (i know finances would make it hard but it would be your choice)

i can see some things as controlling but not others and it[s only me that lives with him (well dd too) none of his wrok colleagues or hisa fmaily do and they been completely shocked that this has happened. i can't even say for certain what soem of thethings are, just that the last relationship before this one was very controlling and i didn't wan the same things happening again but it seems like they are

Its very hard to judge what is controlling and not controlling as he will have drummed some things into you and made you believe they are real but eventually without him you will start to trust your own judgement. I had to have 3yrs of counsellling to get out of the mess i was in. 2 yrs i went on my own but for one year i went with my now dp as i had to learn how to have a constructive relationship. I would never wish to go back to how things were back then.

i feel much stronger already but i guess the resy wil come with time. i am off to bed now sweetheart but i will post more tomorrow, thaks for listening [smiel]

i must be tiredf, my spelling crap

FM - Thinking of you babe

thanks ttm x

How do you feel today?

dd climbing over me atm so will have to post later methingksd!

well i wasn't feeling too bad but now we have been waiting for hjim to return from town so i could ask him to get some shopping in for me. a perfectly reasonable request methinks, seen as he still wants to be flatmates. he went out at 1 and still isn't back, i needed him to fetch something for dd's tea as i am off ill from work. dd is now starving hungry and i have nothing to feed her

i realise that i have no right now to ask where he is but if i am waiting for something for dd's tea then what would you think?

i am mightily pissed off. i phoned his mobile only to find his aunty answering wtf? he never goes round there unless he wants to t slk to her. dd here now so bit awkward to typenn !

Sorry if this sounds harsh - I would kick him out and not rely on him for anything then it saves you and your dd being disapointed. You need to stop asking him for things because when you do, you are in effect giving him control of your life. If you stop giving him control, he will eventually learn that he has no control and will stop. You are going to have to learn to behave differently in order for him to react differently iyswim? I appreciate it's going to be hard.

it doesn't sound harsh at all lmg, i appreciate your advice. i have started realising that i am starting to rely on him more than i should now.

(as an aside, dd is in bed poorly and has been flat out since 7, rarely asleep before half past. i just had to ask him to turn down telly![letting off steam emoticon])

have been off work ill for two dasy with stomach bug, off today cos i still felt wobbly, defr goign in tomorrow as i can't stand another day with him all day.

What time did he roll in with shopping? Was he apolgetic?

about quarter past 5. he did apologise once i'd given him what for. by the time he did get in, had had to do dd some toast which she didn't want. she didn't want any tea, she just had granola and yoghurt and she didn't eat all of that either. she is still poorly from sunday, tho she seems to be having a little bit of trouble swallowing atm. she has settked back to sleep, so have told him she is going to docs tomorrow. last time she was like this she ended up in hospital so hopefully we caught it early this time (fingers crossed, touch as much wood as possible)
please that she jsut has asore throat due to a cold

Theres a nasty throat infection bug going round I had it myself last week, its was awful, ulcers all round my mouth etc, swallowing was really hard and i lived on soup!

Take her back to the docs tomorrow but i'm sure with plenty of liquids and painkillers she will be fine. Poor girl. Give her lots of cuddles.

she doesn't like soup tho - never has done

am more aware of his controlling behaviour and it's starting to worry me. am back at work tomorrow so at least iwill have some space to think about things.

oh yes. earlier he had been into town, i realise that i don't have say-so on how he spends time in town but he never been out for that long before just paying council tax. apparently he wandered about and spent £30+ in mothercare. jsut becasue i mentioned that dd needed some new tights ready for winter. 2pk for £7. there are nicer and cheaper in matalan and adams. i feel like somehow, maybe, he trying to buy her afefctions as she likes getting presents or aibu? bit confused. that's why i need space. still not sure when/if he getting rid of internet. possibly not, but he said that before and hasn't. he has also said that he got internet for me mind games i thnk. he doesn't like the amount fo time i spend on mn (it's the only thinkg that keeps me going some days, apart from my lovely dd)