please talk to me ..........[sad]

[fransmom]

i have to tell dp tm==onight that i no longer love him because i am fed up to the back teeth (though it's now ogne beyond that feeling) of his controlling ways. it's not as bad as some men but i still hate the feeling of being controlled. i have asked and asked him int he past not to do it and he does stop - but then it starts again so am not sure he knows he's doing it anymore.
((my last relationship before him was very controlling to the extent that i couldn't take a walk around my then local park without him(x) accusing me me of playing a new mind game and going to be with the drunks.))
i am starting to feel a lot more the same way as i did last time, i have warned him (dp) about how i felt last time and that i wouldn't put up with it for long but have now firmly realised that i can't go through with it anymore and i can't let dd suffer in this atmosphere any longer.
i am trying to tyoe this really quickly because he has just put dd to bed and i don't want him to catch me doing this, i feel as though i have to be furtive about what i say on mn in case he sess it so i really can't be arsed about namechanging,

i have felt like this for quite a while tryiong to sort out how i feel about him. i have told him before that i no longer feel the same way (ihave told him this before and changed my mind) as i should so maybe he thought i mind change my mind again. i have bad pnd episdodes where i can't feel anything emotional beyond making sure i am caring for my daughter, let alone loving her although that feeling has now come back, i know thta the ones for him won't. i don't like the idea of breaking his heart but my heart is being shredded and i won't go through this any longer. i just don't know how to tell him

i'm sorry fpr long post, it would've been lot longer but i can't decide where to start and keep jumping back and forwards.

please help me

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND?

Hi everyone, this is the first time ive been on the site but im in desperate need of advice. I found out last nite from my husband that he cheated on me just over a year ago with a work collegue. He says it was at a work do and he was very drunk. What makes it worse is that i was seven months pregnant with our daughter at the time. He only decided to tell me yesterday because he thinks he has a STD and may have passed it on to me! I feel so betrayed on so many levels, any advice? Should i give him a second chance but forever be wondering if he's done it again, or leave him. x

Fransmom - My x was the same, i couldnt possibly just not want to be with HIM anymore, i must be seeing someone else!!!!

We split up a week ago and i have never felt better, if thats any help to you

em - do you still love him?

to be honest im still in shock. i dont know how i feel. I though i loved him, but he's not the person i thought he was.

em - all sounds terrible you poor thing, i would give yourself time to think before making any decisions.

If you still love him, you might be able to work it out.

I found with my x before the actually final straw that broke the camels back, everything he did annoyed me. If your relationship has been good up until this point, there is hope

fransmom, no advice for you but just to wish you well whichever way you decide is right for you.

Hi Fransmom,

I broke up with a controlling man (he was 13 yrs older than me). Actually, he dumped me first, when I was pg; later he thought better of it and although I'd done my mourning for the relationship, agreed that we'd move in together and give it another try. It didn't work; I didn't fancy him any more, was bloody knackered with new baby (fell asleep standing in the kitchen peeling veg once lol) and he did sweet F.A. round the house, would LITERALLY take his clothes off at night and leave them in a trail for me to tidy up. He'd sit on his arse all day while the only time I got to sit down was to breastfeed. After a couple of months I asked him to leave (luckily it was my own house, his name on nothing, he didn't delay over it).

Anyway, the control issue...it was a lot of emotional abuse, name-calling, accusing me of fancying his mates, NEVER giving me a night off from ds in 3 yrs, and basically telling me I'm sick in the head all the time. He's never forgiven me for 'dumping' him (even though he dumped me first! Watched me sell my house and move out of the city back to my old room at my mums...I was nr suicidal at the time). Fransmom do not doubt yourself you will be BETTER OFF OUT OF IT. Despite our final break up being in 2003 my ex has had a handle on MY life until a very few months ago when I wrote him a long long letter saying PLEASE stop the mental and verbal abuse, that I was scared of him etc. Essentially, a victim of bullying asking nicely for the bully to cease and desist. The result of this was that he stopped talking to me. Ah the irony!

Sorry to fill your thread with my own sorry tale but I hope it's a warning. I can't spend any length of time with ex now even though I'd have loved us to be friends for sake of ds; he slags off my friends, and thus me as well, and has already promised me he'll turn nasty again if I ever date anyone else (too scared to tell him that I am and have been for several months!). All I can say is,

MAKE THE BREAK

Trust your instincts

Don't be driven by guilt or pity

Remember it is YOU who feels like s* and it is YOUR life that's passing you by.

The autonomy you get as a single parent can really be better than the old crappy situation: 24 hrs a day without having to answer to anyone but yourself. Believe me I get lonely as hell sometimes but it's far, far better to have control over your own life than to have surrendered it and to live in some sort of suspended animation. When you're ready there will be plenty of men thrilled to have you and treat you with a bit of respect. I only started dating again in January 07 and I was bewildered that everyone was so bloody nice, how sad is that?! (great too, though!)

fransmom, casper, em1981, i am still listening, if that's any help. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you all.

thanks you are all a bunch of sweethearts ((((((((((((((((to all))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry i haven't had much time to write anything i have been busy trying to preapre for this coffee morning for macmillan tomorrow, am having to cheat by buying mixes and ready made cakes when i so wanted to bake my own kind of thing.

he's moving out after tomorrow, have been talking today and i wondered what the hell i was doing. it's been hard to remember why i said no more. but. i asked him to do me a favour by cleaning the kitchen ready for tomorrow, and he's done the washing up. nothing else. i have my room to tidy cos people need somewhere to put their coats, the livign room and baking..........

so i better get to bed now. i should read this thread more often.

btw, cos this is his pc and i view the internet as a luxury (obv this being before i found mn ), within a month, the only way i will be able to visit you lot is if i can get a friend to look after dd for me for a couple of hours whiole i go to library

well, i best be off fr tonight then. wish me luck for tomorrow, i may need it to stop throttling his aunty looooooooooong story

thnak sonce agian for your helkp. pc i will email you soon, sunday perhaps. ((((pc))))

Glad you posted, fransmom, was just about to go to bed! hope the coffee morning goes well, and that you ok otherwise too. Chin up, duck
Hope to hear fromyou soon.

(((((((((((((((gb))))))))))))))

Oh good luck, FM, I think you are being so brave.x

it's dd that keeps me going and reading this thread to remind me

pc i will email you soon i promise x

nite all, sleep well.

hopefully dd will she woke at 5.15 this morning and stayed awake almost all day apart from half hour kip in bro's car.

Don't feel you have to mail me, fm, but the offer is there. I have some idea of what you're going through right now.

Take care of yourself won't you? You are being very brave.x

good luck fransmom,hope it all works out the way you want it to,good luck with coffee morning too x

well, the coffee morning went ok, half the people didn't turn up or even bother phoning but there you go, i did say that if you can't make it don't worry but it would've been nice to be told! a few of his family cam which wa slvely to see them

Glad it went ok Fm, ikwym about people not phoning, but some people just don't think! Have never been to a coffee morning...don't think i'd manage it with baby in tow.
Hope you're still alright, nice that his family are still on good terms too.

they better be gb, i'm determined to be civil to them for dd's sake, as she loves her grandad and great-aunt. plus they're great babysitters

on the other side of things, he keeps saying that he doesn't want to go - when i am apart from him, i feel ok, if a little bit raw. but when he tries talking to me, it gets a bit painful in a raw way. he keeps saying that he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me or leave but i have a big problem with trusting him - i just can't do it anymore, it would be like living a lie, dyswim?

i was a bit down earlier, my dbrother was down for the weekend and went home at half past 9. i didn't tell him about the situation here until he was halfway down - i was looking forwards to seeing him and selfishly thought that if i told him what was going on before then , he might not want to visit at the moment. how skewed is that? he is worried about me, he is worried about not having settled fully where he is, he is only in mid 20s. mind you though that's old enough isn't it, he's my baby bro so i guess i'm protective of him. he said that if i ever need anything to give him a shout, he's even offered to help me move if/when i do move - if he can get time off work, bless him. then before he was leaving he gave me £20 towards my savings i had bought a savings tin for future dreams. it wasn't until i got home that i realised that i couldn't open it.that's ok cos i won't be able to dip in it for silly stuff. the only problem is, dd is used to putting money in her money box - which opens. now i can't get her pretend money out

it only hurts when people talk to me about things but i need to sort things out don't i?

how do people go about sorting out things like maintenance for their dcs and access arrangements things like that? i don't mind him being here to look after dd in her own environment at the moment but what happens then if i meet someone? not saying i will but you never know. when i try and think my head just feels like it's spinning - rather like linda blair
and i had a bill from the tax credits a while ago and forgot about it, now i had the reminder. he says he will pay that shall wait and see. i shall, however, phone them monday on dinner break and see if they will accept instalments.

do you think it might be worth contacting gingerbread?

will be going soon, i want to be asleep before he gets home.

fm x

sorry about long post. needed to chat i thnk

keep your chin up fransmom,things will get sorted eventually.

If gingerbread is still running, yes, good idea, my sister met a few lifelong friends through them. Also check on directgov's website for benefit advice if you need that. I'm not sure if there'd be anything about child maintenance on there, but i'm sure there's some way to find out. Hope you're still holding up ok.

am feeling alot better thank you, i have told him that i would tlak to him about dd, but not about other stuff that really doesn't concern him anymore. his xw told him about everything and it drove a hugewedge between us when we first started seeing each other.

we have decided to carry on living in the same property purely because it would be easier for dd and for financial reasons. i am not entirely certain about this, he has said it's not a ploy to get me back (we decided to be friends and be flatmates last time we split) and that we would just be friends. am not entirely certain how this will pan out. does anyone else have experience ofthis and how did they sort things out once new partners arrived on the scene so tospeak?

it makes sense on one hand for dd's sake, she will have both parents to hand but i think i am concerned that it's not letting either of us really let go and be able to move on.

i cant really give you any advice fransmom ,i suppose it would help financially but im not sure about the emotional aspect of it,for all your sakes.