please talk to me ..........[sad]

[fransmom]

i have to tell dp tm==onight that i no longer love him because i am fed up to the back teeth (though it's now ogne beyond that feeling) of his controlling ways. it's not as bad as some men but i still hate the feeling of being controlled. i have asked and asked him int he past not to do it and he does stop - but then it starts again so am not sure he knows he's doing it anymore.
((my last relationship before him was very controlling to the extent that i couldn't take a walk around my then local park without him(x) accusing me me of playing a new mind game and going to be with the drunks.))
i am starting to feel a lot more the same way as i did last time, i have warned him (dp) about how i felt last time and that i wouldn't put up with it for long but have now firmly realised that i can't go through with it anymore and i can't let dd suffer in this atmosphere any longer.
i am trying to tyoe this really quickly because he has just put dd to bed and i don't want him to catch me doing this, i feel as though i have to be furtive about what i say on mn in case he sess it so i really can't be arsed about namechanging,

i have felt like this for quite a while tryiong to sort out how i feel about him. i have told him before that i no longer feel the same way (ihave told him this before and changed my mind) as i should so maybe he thought i mind change my mind again. i have bad pnd episdodes where i can't feel anything emotional beyond making sure i am caring for my daughter, let alone loving her although that feeling has now come back, i know thta the ones for him won't. i don't like the idea of breaking his heart but my heart is being shredded and i won't go through this any longer. i just don't know how to tell him

i'm sorry fpr long post, it would've been lot longer but i can't decide where to start and keep jumping back and forwards.

please help me

If he is acting out character (does he usually buy stuff for dd?) then i'd guess it is because he wants to get back in your good books and work his way back into the relationship if im prefectly honest though you have said you have split up I cant really see any evidence of this.

While you are living under tha same roof how can you act as if you are seperate?

eg...
you asked him to go to the shops
he went but thought he would piss you off by being out for hours then thought shit im supposed to be sucking up so i'll buy some stuff for dd to soften her up
then he came back hours later and you gave him a bollocking

sounds like you are both still acting like a couple in a bad relationship?

I don't really know what to suggest, you sound like you want to end it but actions seem that you are not quite ready yet, not angry enough to throw him out but not happy enough to live with him for the rest of your life?

I think if i were (here i go again i always say that so feel free to ignore as i am not you and know bugger all!) i would kick him out even if not permantently so that i could have some breathing space and you could both have a chance to see what living without each other is like then if you find yourself really missing him and loving him more than you thought and he finds himself willing to change you can make up and have another try if however you find life is stress free without him and you are happier alone then you have made the right choice.

he rarely buys stuff (clothes) for her, i hadn't yet asked him to go to shop for me was waiting for him to get back. (there i go again, waiting for him).

i do wwant him out as i am starting to get stressed again (tho am sad now cos i just found link to gingerbread on another thread). i was happier last week when i made decision to tell him.

i don't think i could give it another try and have told him that i don't love him the same anymore. do you think he will take that as battening down the hatches and waiting for me to change my mind?

imo life is too short to be unhappy but only you can take steps to make things better with or without him.

Happy mum/ parents = happy child. So do what is best for you, its not up to anyone else.

have to go. dd awake and calling for me she ispoorly

Just been catching up with some of this, FM, and I see it appears he is staying put for now.
Is this to be until you sell your property?

I had to live with ex H for nearly a year while waiting for our house to sell, and it was a very surreal, stressful experience.

we just rent pc which should be easier he does seem to be staying put which i originally agreed with as i thought it would be better financially and good for dd to have both of us int he same flat. hmmph. i chnaging my mind now, not sure if i i posted this last night or not but he keeps rubbing my head like you do to little ones and i find that relaly patronising and he kisses my forehead and i think bugger off, flatmates don't do that. it's starting to irritate me now as he obv still doesn't respect boundaries, just have to pick my moment whne i am strong enough to tell him to sling his hook i think

hows you now? i like your name pc!

FM,sweetheart,im struggling,but i at least have a life now,not an existence,not like before.....get out babe.xxxyou wont know what lies ahead whilst hes still in your face.Im having problems from feeling out of control,cos ex was IN control of more of every aspect of my life than i realised,or admitted to myself.I now feel rudderless,my house has gone at last,but im stunned to feel some kind of grieving process setting in,not what i expected,thought id open champagne and toss my knickers at the moon.
Its weird,but im in love again,properly with someone respectful,empathic,patient,warm and funny...theres a few out there.x

What im trying to say,in my usual incoherent way.is that you cannot underestimate the depth of control you are subject to,whilst still under it,as you certainly are with him there.Its stark staring obvious to me now ive left,i feel like a lifer who needs to go back to prison cos the outside worlds too scary.

hi tye! i am glad you have found(?) somebody decent. please correct me if i am wrong. i have been hijacking pc's thread [oops emoticon cos she was talking to me
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1400/397990?stamp=071003192926#scaddmsg pc's thread]]

2nd go at finding pinkchampagne's thread

yay it worked!!!

i know what next step is but i don't know, i think i am scared and that's why i postde on pc's thread that i have to tell him now before i gett worse cos before i know it, it will be another year or so down the line and i shall still be in the same situation

Fransmom!!!!! I haven't forgotten about you...i've not been on the pc at all over the past few days - have been trying to cope with dd3's first cold (she's snottier than the poshest snob, and reeaaaaally hates being touched around the nasal area...so despite my disgust she has been consistently bogey-fied most of the time!).

I have to say, it does sound as if your (ex)dp is being controlling still. And yes, patronising as you said. Sounds like he's not taken you seriously. Why do you need to get rid of sky and internet?
If you can stand losing some of your channels, freeview is better than nothing!
Are you sure you would be better off financially too? Was on the news that many couples would be better off (tax credits) if they split up. Annoying to some, maybe good for you.

hi gb!!!!!

tbh i think he said it cos he knows i like going on internet and i have said in the past that it's really a luxury, as is sky. that i think may have bitten me on the bum, cos the only internet access i would have
then, is an hour at the library.

am getting confused again i think.
wil ltell him to go saturday so i can work up to it.

I would really be bummed out if i had to go back to the 'library days'. They were quite recent for me - and pretty much impossible with a littley, so i would definately try to keep your internet. I would cry if we didn't have the internet. Because i am such a dunce at making friends this is most of my social life!! We are on VirginMedia, £10 a month for just the broadband - but i do know some people have had problems with them, so i couldn't entirely recommend...and there's a £25 fee to install it.

we got bt broadband and yes, this is most of my social life too i don't want to let him know how much tho cos inc ase he gets spiteful ( i don't hinkhe will but he has been when we first got together) why id din't leav him then i will never know for certain. if i had, i perhaps wouldn't have dd and she is a boster

i remember being unemployed when living back in w, and i used to got the library several times a week just to get off my arse out of the house. i don't particularly want to got back there again. "ldays", well and w again!

Well i bet with dd you don't have any choice but to get off your cough-arse-cough any more! The 3dds keep me on my toes!
Think i may have to go and watch Heroes soon, btw!

cough no i don't esp when i feel down and i just want to sit, she's like come on get up mom, get up bless her heart. i used to watch that but then i missed a few and lost the plot
of heroes, of course.......

Lol Of course

Honey i'm so sorry i didn't realise all this was happening, (((Hugs)))
Howz DD?? How are you holding up??

E-mail me honey if you want to

that's ok sweetheart, i am just off to bed i think. can i email you tomorrow? i kept looking at that pink box (the one for gingerbread) on the right and was going to look at it agian but now it's gone not sure how i feel

hows you sweetheart??

Oh nooo, FM. Have only just seen this.

Poor poorly you I haven't read it all as am trying to get off MN, I knew it was a bad idea to come on here when I wanted to go to bed about 45 mins ago.

I wil be back, I hope you are okay, and get better sooon.
((((((((((((((((((FM)))))))))))))))))))))

Of course you can email me tomorrow
And eat lots of gingerbread chick