Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

It sounds horrible and claustrophobic and tbh you don't sound like you are madly in love with this fella at all. You feel you should be but it's clear you are not. Perhaps he senses this and clings in tightly?

Having a baby is bloody hard and even harder if your relationship isn't solid- easier to go it alone. Don't stay in a relationship where you can talk to him and feel so uncomfortable e

The ability to say, "Can you please stop that? It's incredibly annoying" is an important life skill and definitely one you will need as a parent

Some people who start off very touchy don’t stay as touchy over time, me and DH used to be all over each other but it waned (we have been together 10 years). I can’t even get my DH to give me a back massage now and I used to get them all the time. So keep that in mind. The touching won’t get worse, only better.
Also both my boys are very very cuddly. They climb over DH constantly (and me). He won’t be able to escape. Your baby will definitely take away some of that physical contact he’s giving to you.
And in terms of conversation, once the baby comes along, all you will want is to talk about is your gorgeous baby. And no one else will get it like your partner.
I think just focus on the good qualities he has. Everybody has flaws, so if he didn’t have these flaws he would have different ones.
One idea is to direct him to how you like to be touched. So perhaps you could tolerate a foot massage, he might become very good at them over time. But also if you correct him/tell him to do it, it may take away his desire to touch you because it might start to feel like a chore for him.

Thank you again, all of you, I really am grateful for your input. I really hope you are right sewing and your post has given me hope. That is what I really want to happen. To those who have a slightly less optimistic outlook I am really grateful to as well because it could well be the case that things go wrong, if they do you cope with it and you do your best but I do want to try.

I will be raising it this evening, it won’t be easy but I do need to stop being cowardly and to talk.

Once my first dc was born I couldn't bear anyone else touching me. I could only cuddle/feed my baby. This went on for a long time.

Not saying this will happen to you but if it did would your partner get jealous or feel pushed out or do you think he would understand?

OP, while that level of physical contact wouldn’t work for many, you don’t seem to mention how physical a person you are. You make reference to the fact you are independent, but are you actually also the type who hates physical affection of any kind? In which case from his perspective he may be feeling rejected.

The topic does need bringing up, but you also need to think about whether you are giving him anything, e.g. do you ever instigate physical contact with him?

My partner likes a lot of physical contact. If I’m not in the mood I say, “Sorry, I’m not feeling cuddly right now” or something like that. He is absolutely fine with it: no sadness, no sulking, nothing negative at all. I assume this is because he knows that sometimes people need a bit of space, that I still love him, and that I will want physical contact some other time.

OP, do you suspect you might get a negative reaction from your partner? Or is he generally respectful of your boundaries? Maybe it doesn’t need to be a big long conversation about the whole relationship - maybe all you need to say is that you want some space for a little while and he’ll let go of you. I hope so.

No, I'm not suggesting you have any MH problems.
I'm confused as to how you say you're in no position to do this alone but yet you have your own home, were a high earner and very independent. Do you have savings? Could you claim benefits? Afaik you'd be entitled to benefits as a single mum. You seem determined to stick with this man at all costs. I don't understand why.

Bercows I want to try - surely you can understand this? Yes, I have my own home. But I don’t want, in an ideal world, to ruin my own prospects and raise a child in poverty, is that really so strange? I’m not being awful, I know single mothers do a brilliant job, but it’s not easy and I would have no support whatsoever on my side whereas on his he would. I think that could leave to a breakdown of relationships which would be so upsetting for everybody.

I think saying other people may be OK with it ,or is it just me ?is missing the point really which is you are not OK with it! Maybe this isnt the right relationship for you .If you dont feel comfortable with it ,then you dont .End of story . Looking over your shoulder while you text ,is also rather invasive . I think there is a line about feeling affectionate and rather overdoing it becoming cloying and irritating .

Having done it both ways I can recommend going it alone. My dc are not living in poverty even though I'm not working. We have a good life. I wish I'd have left my now ExH before we'd even got married because to a far lesser extent he was like your boyfriend. He went on to push my boundaries so much more. Although I'm not sure you have boundaries if you're putting up with sex just because he wants it and you haven't said anything to him about the incessant touching.
Your child will grow up with a warped sense of what is normal in a relationship.

How did the chat go?

There’s no reason for your child to live in poverty because their parents have split up.

I don’t want to get into a silly argument about how warped I am. I came here for advice and I’m grateful for it but you are taking what I said out of context rather and that isn’t fair.

What I said was that I only feel like sex when I’m close to or ovulating. It’s always been like this. So for about 5/6 days a month I will feel quite flirty but for the remaining 22 days or so I don’t and that’s whittled down to virtually nothing because of pregnancy.

I do not have sex when I really don’t feel like it. If I feel ambivalent I will, because I don’t feel it’s fair to impose my ridiculously low sex drive on somebody else.

If I ever feel the child will be better off just with me that is one thing, at the moment the reverse is true. There seems to be a real agenda in pushing me to split with this man without even talking to him, which seems odd to me. And I still don’t understand the comment about my vulnerability meaning I need to talk to my midwife!

It’s 8:51 in the morning! Seriously!?

Maybe its the thrill of a new relationship for him? Do not feel that you "have " to split with him if you dont want to! Maybe explain nicely that although you like cuddles sometimes ,you also need some space!As far as conversation goes can you not talk about politics,TV shows whatever?It is probably making it more claustrophobic because we are all somewhat restricted still in our movements . Nothing is set solidly anyway ,if you want to stay with this man FTB and see if you can work things out thats fine .Again also fine if you want to split up further along the line? Its a fairly new R/L and you are just getting used to one another really .Lots of people split up, and are single parents nothing wrong with that .But it is hard work and financially SP are somewhat at a disadvantage unless they are high earners .

Nothing wrong with "trying to work things out " together esp with a new baby .I agree that its best for couples to stay together if they can .

Have you spoken to him yet? You won’t be able to move forward until you have.

So has he been like this since you met him, or just recently? (I presume the two are quite close together anyway). To be blunt, you don’t really like the way he acts and behaved, can’t stand his lack of conversation.....that kind of thing doesn’t go away, the irritation would only increase with time unfortunately. I’ve been there!

I hope you have a productive conversation with him later.

You have said many times that hes a good person, kind etc, but I cant see anywhere where you have said you actually love him. Do you love him? You have mentioned you have not had many relationships, and see your friends with families and want this for yourself. I'm getting the feeling you have found yourself with some one you don't love but desperately want a family life and see him as your best chance as hes a decent bloke. That's your decision and I respect that. I think there are probably many relationships that are based on this rather than love, maybe you can make it work.
Apologies if I'm wrong.
I also seriously could not cope with that level of touching. I'm also not confrontational. You have to tell him. There isn't an alternative way to deal with it. Don't text. As a
PP said, theres no tone and he'll be upset. He will probably be hurt, but you cant carry on like this. I'm claustrophobic reading it. You'll just have to put your big girl pants on, big breath and spit it out tonight. Once you've had that conversation you'll have a clearer idea of what further decisions you need to make about this relationship, but that's step one, and you cant avoid it.

OP, I don’t think you should necessarily split from him just because of this.

But in absolute truth, if a woman came on here and said that her partner only wanted sex about once a month people would tell her that she should consider leaving the relationship for the sake of her own wellbeing.

I don’t actually think either of you is wrong. He likes physical affection, you don’t.You feel smothered by him, in truth he probably feels rejected by you, and perhaps even more so now that he realises you only wanted sex while you were ovulating and then when you became pregnant you’ve suddenly decided you don’t want it at all. In fact he might even feel that you’ve used him to get pregnant. Not saying that’s what you did, but it’s how it could look.

Fact here is you’re incompatible.

Because as much as you want him to be less affectionate, are you willing to compromise and work on how you can improve things for him at your end? If there isn’t a way for you to meet in the middle then the relationship has no future.

I think the only reason that people think you should separate (well this was my reasoning anyway) is because you seem to be really irritated by just him as a person and the only thing you've so far given as a reason to stay is because you are pregnant and for financial reasons (which is never, ever a good enough reason to stay, not for either of you or the child)

Lots of people are "nice" but it doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with all of them.
It may be that we just aren't getting the full picture and that maybe you do love him or find him attractive but you just haven't mentioned any of that.

It's also kind of unfair to use someone financially. I'd be really hurt if my husband was telling a forum of people he wanted to stay with me because he'd be in poverty without me.

Imagine from his point of view how this would feel. There could be someone out there who would really love him as a person and not his ability to keep them financially stable and share the night feed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, from what you have said he sounds unbearable but I think that's because it's very clear you are not in love and the affection is not wanted. Looking back me and DH couldnt leave each other alone at the start of the relationship but that was because we fell in love very quickly and it was a mutual lust.

Imagine from his point of view how this would feel
Indeed. As unpleasant as it all sounds this chump has known you what, 3 months max? It very much sounds like you picked someone out online with the express intention of starting a family and now you are saying you are relying on him financially and think marriage is the right thing to do. Was this something that he was aware of or wanted at all?

It's called being touched out, you need personal space.
Communication is key to a successful relationship.
Talk to him about the fact you love cuddles but you also need your own space.
It may have turned into a habit for him and he may not realise the extent he's doing it.
Everyone has different personal space needs, the amount they liked to be touched etc.
You just need to chat about it. It's not rude to say your feelings. You feel it is as you've let it develop into a bigger issue than it needs to be in your head.

I really feel for you OP. Its definitely coming across that you're a peacemaker. Why are his feelings so much more important to you than yours? Why is it important to you that you take on all these feelings in your relationship so that he never needs to feel upset, angry, pushed out?

I am that way, and have been for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't say no, or I don't want to, because I didn't want to disappoint my partner and it was only through counselling that I realised it was because I didn't want them to stop liking me.

What would happen if you simply said "I don't want to be touched right now"?