Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

@Greystorminthesky

I strongly disagree sara but anyway I am in absolutely no position whatsoever to raise the child alone so please, please can people stop telling me to end the relationship before I have even tried to fix it?

You've not said a single positive thing about this man. Not a single reason why you want to be with him. Only that you see this relationship as your only chance at being a family and you don't want it to fail.

People's advice is based on the fact that there's not a single thing that you seem to like about him, never mind love. And if it wasn't for the pregnancy, I don't think you'd be with him. And that's no basis for a permanent relationship. There's simply too much to fix. In fact there doesn't seem to be anything about the relationship that doesn't need fixing.

OP, it sounds like you are willing yourself into this relationship with a 'good man' but actually your body is telling you what you need to know- you are becoming irritated and repulsed by his constant (and pretty unintuitive) groping. This relationship is hard work as you are not in love with him, indeed apparently don't like him very much, which I don't blame you- the person has to smell right, have great conversation and be interesting as a starting point, surely?

I wonder if this man knew that you find his conversation inane and his pawing incessant whether he would want to make a little family? Perhaps he would, but at the moment you don't know as you are playing the part of his loving girlfriend.

I would be honest about the pawing this second. I don't like anyone touching me when I'm trying to sleep (so after any fun), and I've never had anyone have a problem with this- once you've enjoyed yourself, separate out, I don't want to sleep cuddled up or get a dead arm. Just say, I can't sleep if you are touching me and see what happens. Or 'I'm a person who likes a bit more space, can you not look over my shoulder when I'm texting' and see what happens.

You do sound fundamentally incompatible, but if (which seems to be your desire), you want to make a go of it together, then you will have to switch to being more direct and honest, otherwise you will really be very unhappy and that's not a good start for motherhood at all.

like today I mentioned something about a certain vegetable, he then (some four hours later, while playing with my hair) murmurs “so what do you do with the veg?” Not even in a sort of pervy way

This made me LOL. He sounds quite random. I’m annoyed just reading about him.

I’m (honestly!) a sensible, strong and independent person. I know I could go it alone, or terminate.

OP, in the gentlest possible way, strong and independent women don’t put up with ‘hair tugged / played with, I had a hand on my thigh stroking, stroking, rubbing, massaging CONSTANTLY, I had him suddenly and without any warning flinging his arms around me and burying his head into my breasts/ stomach, taking my hand and stroking it’

And the fact that you say it’s ‘not coercion to sex’ and later say ‘I think it’s that more than anything I was uncomfortable with as it’s so clearly a precursor for sex’, is quite confusing. The fact that you can’t say no to him for fear of appearing abrupt shows you are trying to appease him.

I can’t see this relationship lasting. If a question like ‘how’s the fish?’ during dinner annoys you then raising a child with him is going to feel like torture.

I feel like we are missing vital information here and as such can't give you the advice you want. You don't seem to want to take on board what anyone is saying. You say you have been (are?) vulnerable so perhaps there is a suitable agency who could help you. Your midwife could perhaps refer you to whichever is appropriate

How do you expect to fix it if you can’t / won’t TALK to him ?

I'm not sure how you're ever going to fix this problem 🤔 even if he stops being so overly tactile you haven't listed anything you do like about him?

He annoys you with conversation, he likes to go for a walk and even this annoys you...you even find his smell annoying...(not slating you for this because I've never met the guy but he fucking annoys me too 😂)

Whether you find the term childish or not - you have got the ick!!

And a child born to separated parents is going to be FAR more happy in life than the poor fuckers who have to suffer living under a roof with two people in a loveless relationship where even the very sight of their father pisses off their mother...

Sounds to me like you want this child very much and are just settling for any old sperm donor to force a "picture perfect family portrait" with but in reality you'll all be miserable!

It shouldn't be hard work and you shouldn't have to "try"

Genuinely interested to know - If you talk to him about this and he stops drooling all over you like a puppy, will this change everything for you? Will the conversations about fish and aubergines and being walked like a dog then be ok? 🤔
Because you can ask someone to stop touching you but you can't ask someone to completely change their personality.....

I don’t know what you mean bercows, I’m not being difficult but it sounds as if you’re suggesting I have problems of perhaps a MH nature or similar? I’m sorry if that’s not what you’re saying, I’m just really confused.

There are loads of good things. He is fundamentally very kind, generous, he is decent (small thing but when I visited for the first time he locked the door and told me where the key was so as not to scare me - I wasn’t scared at all but it was a sort of thoughtful gesture that was nice) he is pleased about the baby and keen to be a dad, he is complimentary to me.

Do bear in mind before you flame me for how incompatible we are that I’m telling you what I’m unhappy about. I’m not posting to say that I’m pleased with this or this or that.

But I am also in full agreement with those of you who say I need to have difficult conversations. I’m not good at it. I’ve been trained to be “lovely” and nice and pleasant and smiley and I do find it hard to step out of this and be moody and arsey. Even when I really need to be!

TJ, I hope that when I have space to be,
To breathe and to read and to watch and to listen, then yes.

Because also you bond with people as you spend time with them. The time we have spent has naturally been limited because of lockdown.

@greystorminthesky okies fair enough. Just from the posts it feels like his very existence annoys you. But maybe all that is just exasperated because of the touching! And also having no space because of lockdown.

Hope you get it sorted and can be happy with him as that's what you seem to really want but please also don't doubt your self worth and feel like you're "stuck" with him and have to settle for anything less than makes you happy.

OP,
no, you don't necessarily bond with people the more time you spend with them. Sometimes, with every passing day, they repulse you more and more to the point you can't stand them breathing.
This scenario is the most likely in your situation.

And what do you mean, you can't go it alone? Haven't seen a single mum in your life, have you?

@willsa

And what do you mean, you can't go it alone? Haven't seen a single mum in your life, have you?

Would love to have some facts on how many children have been scarred by just growing up with (happily) separates parents as opposed to those who are scarred from living with parents in a loveless relationship.

I know a few who have been damaged from living too long with parents who hate each other but strangely I don't know anyone who grew up with a single parent who has suffered as a direct result of this....

Wish people would realise this when saying they are "staying together for the kids"
Really grinds my gears

Of course willsa, it doesn’t mean it’s my first choice and it isn’t something I should casually decide to do because some people on MN relationships have decided I should. I think it’s good to bear in mind this might not work. I also think it’s sensible to try, before making any drastic decisions, to make it work.

I think you have realised you've made a big mistake but feel foolish and panicked now you are pregnant and jobless. I get the impression you 'need' him now as you no longer have an income or financial or other support? Also that you have known each other a very short amount of time. The 'ick' is the perfect expression of your feelings and it won't get better.

I think you should definitely keep your own places. Don't allow him to move in. Sign on for benefits - you'll also be able to claim child benefit when the baby comes. There are other ways to parent other than living together. Make sure he pays child maintenance. If you're happy with his care of the baby, ask him to do child care some of the time whilst you get a job. Once you are financially independent, you'll have more options. Please don't 'settle' - you'll be unhappy and you won't be able to hide this from your child (and its not a good example to set).

Ok. It's clear as a bell that you've not been with him long. Or this wouldn't have got this far - you would have ditched him and found someone else, but you got pregnant quickly.

And because of where you are age-wise you are happy to be pregnant quickly and that was kind of the plan, but you're now getting to know the kind of person he is and he couldn't be less compatible with you.

I can see why the baby is the most important thing for you. I agree. At your age if you want a baby FGS keep this one. It really is more important than anything. And you will find through the pregnancy, and through your growing experience of what it's like to have a relationship (which you've said you don't have much experience with) you'll change massively. So I think you just need to plod through. I don't think there's a HOPE you'll stay together but really, that is fine. You will be fine. It is what it is.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Stay financially and legally as independent as you can. This is REALLY important. You hint at not being able to afford going it alone. Think about that. You probably will have to and you can't rely on maintenance. Keep a job. But don't let him be primary carer and stay at home with the baby while you work - NOT EVER.

1. Start setting out what you want. The problem as I see it isn't that he's too 'tactile'. He isn't, he sound deeply thick - too unintelligent to 'read' people, he can't converse, I get the feeling you're not even getting to know him. Perhaps there's not much to know. But either way, stop tiptoeing. TELL him you don't like being draped over/fiddled with. Just tell him. It is fine. Start saying 'I really need a bit of space sorry. My arm is hurting under yours sorry. I'm uncomfy like this, do you mind if I have this sofa to stretch out?' If he starts not liking that.. well, that's another problem and one I hope you don't have - see below.

1. Watch out for abusive tendencies. It's clear that you're only now getting to know him, and he sounds a bit - blokey to say the least. He's kind - is he kind when you tell him, directly, that you don't want him to do X? There's a saying, you can tell a man's character by how he responds when you say 'no'. You're pregnant, you're going to have a baby to deal with, you need to be able to talk straight to this guy and expect him to listen to you. Start now.

1. Don't hang on if it continues to be like this because it will be 100 times worse for you, him and the baby if you do. An early split is 100 times better than a miserable partnership.

1. Don't marry. Don't give the baby his surname GIVE IT YOURS. I can't emphasise this enough.

Good luck.

But I don’t want to cause hurt or upset or to sound like a precious little princess “don’t touch me!”

It's not Princessey to not want someone grabbing you or up in your face the whole time.

How sex happens to you- I can imagine/remember what that's like

This is not a criticism as I'm the same; would you say that you find it difficult to be assertive? This is a book I'm finding interesting and would recommend www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0071385649?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Because I find it hard to be assertive, I find it easier by text/messenger- and that's ok.

I am in absolutely no position whatsoever to raise the child alone

I know you want to try and make things work with this thick groper and that's fine of course, give it a go, but yes you can go it alone. Loads of women do it even if they're broke.

And of course it's better for a child if you split up before the birth- they won't know any different so won't have to go through any upheaval etc.

he locked the door and told me where the key was so as not to scare me

I think that would've freaked me out tbh but maybe it's just me.

It sounds like you've got the ick? At the very least, you're not compatible. Me and my ex weren't that bad but we were very tactile and it worked for us. I really don't think you should try and make the relationship work for the sake of the baby, if you separate now then at least it'll save them any potential trauma from inevitability separating later on... I appreciate you're vulnerable but it really doesn't sound like you're happy, and equally so he may be happier in a relationship with someone who is just as tactile as he is.

"he locked the door and told me where the key was so as not to scare me

I think that would've freaked me out tbh but maybe it's just me."

I thought the same 😅😂

Along the same lines of randomly blurting out "I don't eat humans"

@Greystorminthesky

In your situation, trying to make it work, is like flapping about in quicksand. You either thrash about and sink quickly (you stood up for yourself a little and he already showed his nastier dide) or you do nothing and dissappear slowly (lose all potential for happiness and sense of self ).
Or, you grab onto a rope and climb out. Well out. Some mud to shake off but you're good to go!

There is doom written all over this. It's better to go for the unknown and at least have a chance at making something beautiful out of your life.
I did just that just before lockdown. I can tell you, that going jobless and homeless with a six year old, finding somewhere to live, finding a new school, sorting out endless amounts of paperwork that I never had because of being dependent on someone else for so long, having to handle police and courts because of violence (and no, he was not the type until) ... Well... I'd much rather have gone pregnant. Oh, it would have been easier. Unlike you though, I didn't have worries and warnings at that time.
I'm sorry, I also don't think it will get better for you if you carry on with your chosen trajectory.

I'm all ok now, me and my DS. Financially sorted. I have nearly finished redecorating our new rental - near his school and near a lovely beach. I love it here. I look forward to my possibilities of a new career. I could go on about how amazing it is to try to make things work FOR YOURSELF.

If you have to make those mistakes, make them. Just don't spend too much time on that crap. All the best.

@NoMoreDickheads
@TJ17

Would freak me out too

@TJ17 'In case at any point you find me kind of rapey- I've locked the door but here's where the key is.'

I definitely find it difficult to be assertive. Thank you for that. I’ll order it when I get paid. Hard to explain the key thing but honestly please take my word it was a nice gesture, I think maybe you had to be there but it was!

Fizzy I don’t know what you mean move on to someone else but your post really was helpful. However I don’t think he’s thick as such. I honestly think a big part of this is me not communicating.

I know I keep harping on about this but I’m not someone reliant on a man in any way, shape or form. Before COVID-19 sent my career flushing down the toilet I was a high earner, high enough that I wouldn’t have been able to claim child benefit if I was still in it. I travelled alone; if I wanted to see a film at the cinema I saw it, if I wanted to do something like go to a museum or see a landmark in a city I’d go.

For all that, it was lonely and I longed for the life I saw my friends have. I was the one going to Athens for a week but actually I was looking at them having a wet week in Wales with their kids and actually being a bit envious. (I know - the grass is greener!) I felt disconnected to many people my age without young children. I know it’s wrong and sexist that this is how it is in 2020 but it is, it’s lonely.

So despite everything I don’t honestly know if I regret it. But I do need to have a relationship built on mutual respect. I honestly don’t think he’s abusive in the slightest but I do think while I wouldn’t go as far as to say thick he isn’t perhaps very sensitively attuned to feelings and this is something for me to be aware of both as a partner and as a mother.

I do plan to return to work when maternity leave is over (next summer) and I may not be quite at my previous level but nonetheless I will earn more than enough.

May I ask why you strongly advise not to get married, isn’t the advice usually to get married?

I think you had to be there! Honestly, it was done nicely! It’s probably a bad example but for instance if my dad found himself in a position in a lift with a woman especially at night he would get out, not because my dad was anything other than a lovely man, but just recognising that a woman might feel scared or uncomfortable or threatened. It was in a similar sort of spirit.

Sorry I’ve not read the whole thread completely, but could he be feeling slightly more tactile/loving due to the baby coming? Maybe it’s his way of trying to show affection, and with the pregnancy and your job loss (sorry to hear this)? Also the questions about your fish, etc, perhaps he’s picking up on your feelings and just trying to start a conversation? Or just genuinely wants to know if you’re enjoying it. I’d knock the walks on the head if you’re not enjoying them, just say so, but tell him to enjoy one on his own if he feels like it. Sounds like you’ve had a lot on your plate recently, so I do hope you work things out ok.

My DH and I are tactile but there are times, especially as a parent to young children, where I just feel touched out and need space (eg other settee). The thing is, we read each other’s responses! If I didn’t reciprocate he wouldn’t continue and would probably leave off completely until I showed I was ready by giving him affection first. Yours doesn’t seem to notice (or care?) that you aren’t returning it/are uncomfortable. This would make me feel stifled and, honestly, as if I wasn’t being seen as a person but just something to paw at.
A calm conversation is needed, there needs to be mutual respect in a healthy relationship.

(Tbh the not-conversing I couldn’t cope with whatsoever!)