Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

@Greystorminthesky

Repeatedly telling me I have serious problems and pulling faces at me isn’t helpful. I really am sorry if that sounds rude, I don’t mean it to, but as I have said it is one thing to know something but another to know quite what to say / do in the moment.

You want people to tell you what you want to hear. You're an adult, from the sounds of it well into adulthood if you believed you were perimenopausal, who got pregnant to this man you obviously did not know well and with whom you are incompatible (it has all the hallmarks of being something someone whose biological clock is ticking and who grows desperate to try to have a baby), insist on bringing a child into it all but hope the relationship will magically mould itself to what you want, and are unable to speak to your partner and father of your child other than like my teenager using DMs on Insta. But it's not 'helpful' for you to hear the truth because you want to somehow believe this is all going to work out fine. Really don't know what you expect people to do, you're a grown up who is pregnant to a man whom you don't even sound like you like and aren't mature enough to speak to except the way a 15-year-old does but you still want to be moddycoddled along.

No conversation????? Much worse than being groped all the time!

O, you have to tell your h you don't like being touched all the time. See what his reaction is.

But honestly if you can't talk to him, what's the point??

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? Physically he's revolting you by pawing you all the time (and yes, even reading about it is making me twitch because I'd HATE that). He has no conversation, and he doesn't listen to you.

You seem to be staying with him simply because you don't want to 'fail' at this relationship. Yet staying with him FOREVER....can you really imagine that? Really? Because you and he are not remotely compatible in when it comes to touch and communication, and those are absolutely fundamental.

Oops sorry I sent too soon!
I told him how I needed space and he flipped! Accused me of cheating, or why else did I not want him permanently pawing at me.
I really saw his true colours when I spoke up!

You keep going on about your child Deserving two parents, as if anyone here has suggested that you murder him.

Your child will have two parents, just not together.

There’s not a cats chance in hell you can make this work. You don’t even like the guy now and I can’t begin to tell you how much you will dislike him and his pawing when you have a newborn baby.

End it with him. Then book yourself some counselling to decide what you want to do about the pregnancy.

Does he know you are pg?

Can I ask how old you are ?

Argh the first part didn’t post after all!
Basically my ex was the same! It was suffocating and it signalled a very possessive man!

You clearly have “the ick” - the fact you are aware that his smell lingers on you Is your body’s way of saying this person is not right, they don’t smell bad, it’s just their natural scent doesn’t appeal to you sexually. If this was just a mate you would never even notice this smell. You clearly know you do not like this person sexually & now when they approach your instinct is to retreat

But you also are at fault here. You sound incredibly passive & avoidant personality type - and also passive aggressive! It’s counterproductive even suggesting the comment he should get a cat to stroke - because you’re expecting him to “guess” your upset.

I also am not telling you to get a termination but if you are so set in your ways that you can’t consider the possibility of one day facing 50/50 custody then I would seek a termination in your position.

I have taken on board the comments hamster but that doesn’t mean I’m going to just engage with insults, that doesn’t mean I’m only hearing what I want to hear, but that I want to actually move forward with this.

It’s an excellent point about phoning / texting. I suppose that I want to think about what I want to say and gently communicate it. For all people are saying it’s awful and it sort of is, I honestly don’t think that’s the intention.

I actually have quite a high tolerance level and am fairly easygoing, I can let a lot of stuff go. Maybe you are right and the relationship is doomed but well, it would be nice to TRY. I’m not expecting Romeo and Juliet, just the chance to have a little family.

This has disaster written all over it. Please try and get some counselling to figure out why you are so desperate for a relationship that you are putting up with all this. Pregnant or not this is never going to work and your child will suffer because of it. Split now, have your baby and worry about contact with his or her dad later on. I had my ds alone. Much better than being in a shit relationship pregnant/with a newborn.

• [Post edited]

Just reading these posts sounds suffocating - and have you thought how exactly is he going to find a baby who is going to want to be around you constantly as wel

You need to talk to him and then you will have your answer as to what to do

And stop blaming yourself - they are your boundaries he needs to respect

I don’t think it is viking and to be totally honest - got the “ick” is a bit childish. When I go on holiday and have to buy a different shampoo I notice my hair smells different, it’s not a bad smell, it’s just different. And I notice it on me now which is because he’s been so close to me all afternoon.

Of course he knows about the pregnancy. I am 40.

Well I’m hoping he might transfer some of the need to cuddle onto the baby!

Bercows what did you mean? I don’t hVe a name change?

@Greystorminthesky

Bercows what did you mean? I don’t hVe a name change?

Sorry, my mistake. Poster's post didn't post properly so I thought it was you posting. I've asked for that first sentence to be removed.

Thanks, I have namechanged for the thread as it’s obviously quite personal but I have used this name throughout it!

@greystorminthesky - “the ick” is a Mumsnet slang pertaining to your exact situation. You must not be a very active member here to not be aware of this & have assumed I am simply using childish jargon.

In any case, I would prefer to be childish than facing current situation

Oh an how selfish - so behaviour you don’t like you would like your child to be put through to give you some relief...

Yep I’m done with this one. Some people don’t deserve the time it take to type the well considered advice in the first place.

Good luck OP, sounds like you’re going to need it

No I do know it’s MN slang, I just have always thought it a little childish, to be honest - sorry.

I mean it is fair enough if you’re dating casually but when there’s children involved I do feel it’s a huge decision to end the relationship and shouldn’t be done over something silly like noticing that my jumper smells like his aftershave. I explained that to try to illustrate how close he has been to me this afternoon for his smell to be on my clothes instead of my own perfume / body lotion.

I’m absolutely lost viking

Why are you so angry, because I’m not doing exactly as you say?

How long have you been together? A few posters have asked but you haven't replied.

At any rate I was going to agree with the second part of your post. I am avoidant and I don’t like having ‘difficult’ conversations. This is obviously something I need to change. But I do think I need to try and change it before making any drastic decisions that will have long reaching consequences for all three of us.

I don’t think it’s really relevant bercows, not as long as we should have been, and I have been in a vulnerable position and latched onto this relationship as something to try and be something new and positive.

when there’s children involved I do feel it’s a huge decision to end the relationship

There isn't a child involved. It would be much better for the child for you to split up now, rather than in a few years time. As it is, the baby will be born to parents who don't live together. It will be their norm. If you wait, say five years along the line, a split would be played out with an aware child in situ, who will have their life turned upside down. Also from your point of view, it's likely that the split would be messier.

I strongly disagree sara but anyway I am in absolutely no position whatsoever to raise the child alone so please, please can people stop telling me to end the relationship before I have even tried to fix it?

*but I do have to at least try.
*

Why?

I'm not being facetious

If I were with a man like that he'd be gone. It sounds utterly suffocating and BORING