Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

Taking the money before the rent is due... jeez he's a spiteful immature pos.

He's punishing you and waiting for you to beg him to come back. Don't.

Unless you want to live like this for the rest of your lives. Because he won't change.

Has he got any friends OP? (I'm thinking not...)

It’s natural to think about the love you felt and showed to him, of course you’re sad and upset. I think he’s demonstrated he can’t really offer you what you want and need for you and your daughter. From what you say you’ve had a rough time with relationships and you blame yourself for not being enough, but he’s shown you no compassion at all. He must know your past, and your fears?
Please continue to put yourself and your DD first.

You know OP I left my 1st husband at 28 because he was so laid back he was horizontal, no fireworks, no drama and it felt dull, now at 58 I see it very differently. A lot of interesting fun ambitious men also can bring a lot of drama and it gets very very wearing . I have found many to be extremely self centred and it’s all fine and dandy whilst you are constantly going along with them , many women do because they like the lifestyle, like the income. I would say look deep into your heart and think if you can go along with this for years or rip that plaster off now however horrible it is short term. And you are right, it’s often very good, until it just isn’t.

I'm staying strong. He tried calling and texting me saying I'm breaking his heart, don't shut him out, he thought we could get through anything... anything presumably being, any shit he was gonna give me and my daughter. Because I've always forgiven it as best as I can and he still doesn't see that it was his problem, he's barely apologised.
One good thing, his mother made him transfer back his half the rent and council tax today (it still wasn't all the money but I have now taken everything else out of the joint account as I don't feel I can trust to leave it in there). That does help.
I started to box up his stuff. But I just feel sick really. Could never have predicted this would be happening this week. It, like always, was so unnecessary and has achieved nothing but destruction for him.

That sounds really tough Checkers, I’m glad to hear the moneys back, but sad it was because his mother intervened.

Deep breaths. Think about what you want. The fact that he didn’t apologise suggests he doesn’t think he’s made any mistakes, he’s just suggesting it’s about you not putting up with things. Get over it, basically?

Ive just finished reading your thread. You were building up to leaving him but obviously he’s pushed that forward, unwittingly.
It’s all moving faster than you expected but perhaps ripping the plaster off gives you less time to convince yourself to stay with him.
He stupidly thought you’d run after him again but it has backfired, nicely. Stay strong and keep looking forward, he is an abusive prick and your life will be better without him.
Counseling to deal with issues from your past will make you even stronger than you already are and will help break relationship patterns 🌺

@Checkers88

I'm staying strong. He tried calling and texting me saying I'm breaking his heart, don't shut him out, he thought we could get through anything... anything presumably being, any shit he was gonna give me and my daughter. Because I've always forgiven it as best as I can and he still doesn't see that it was his problem, he's barely apologised. One good thing, his mother made him transfer back his half the rent and council tax today (it still wasn't all the money but I have now taken everything else out of the joint account as I don't feel I can trust to leave it in there). That does help. I started to box up his stuff. But I just feel sick really. Could never have predicted this would be happening this week. It, like always, was so unnecessary and has achieved nothing but destruction for him.

Good on his Mum. She's not afraid to tell him he's being a dick.

His mum does sound helpful.
He's basically gone storming off again, hasn't he, slamming doors, thinking that you'll be all apologetic.
Yes, he's basically self-destructive. Don't be tempted to help him with that particular flaw, you will just be dragged down with him.

He says I'm the one who loves drama and arguments and storming off .. but funnily enough he is the only one who storms off when we are out, threatens to divorce me, swears and sleeps on the sofa to punish me. He honestly believes I'm the one with the problem I think.
I am really scared of cracking. Have a lot of family support though (none of them can stand him by now either)

Don’t crack, this is ALL on him. The more you write the more he sounds like a narcissist- he will NEVER be in the wrong, so don’t fall for it. You’ve done the hardest bit.
Give yourself a few weeks to process everything as it’s all a bit raw now. Look it, even his mom seems to be on your side. That says a lot!!
Keep grounding yourself. If you feel panicked just stop what you’re doing and take 3 deep breaths and remind yourself that this is a blip and that you and daughter will be fine and that you both deserve a better life.
Block out his words, he’s full of shit and just wants to save his own neck!
All this has happened for a reason and grab your freedom now

I am really scared of cracking. Have a lot of family support though (none of them can stand him by now either)
That would be a great shame as you are already doing so well and over the first large hurdle. And, of course, you'd gain nothing positive in your life - quite the opposite.

.. but funnily enough he is the only one who storms off when we are out, threatens to divorce me, swears and sleeps on the sofa to punish me.
So he can now follow up in the divorce (but you file first!) AND he leaves you the whole bed to starfish in! Bliss!

Look forward to having some calm and peace in your life OP and thank goodness (again) that you don't have a child with him or he'd be far too closely involved in your life for at least the next 18 years...

Great you've got lots of family support (even his mother!) so lean on them (though maybe not his mother). 🌹

I would have to have done something very bad for him to do that like had an affair, gambled our house, so no he has never done that.
Your dh sounds controlling.

He honestly believes I'm the one with the problem I think.

No he doesn't. He knows it's him and he's panicking because you are changing your behaviour. You are not pandering to him and indulging in his ridiculous antics.

He's making you question yourself again. Don't. This is not you. Normal men do not lock their wives and children out of the house?! No child should have to come back from school and find she's not allowed in her own house because her stepdad is angry with mummy. Just no!

DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

It’s standard behaviour.

Stay strong @Checkers88

You and your DD deserve more than this. Would you want her to be with a man who treats her like this? No? Then show her it's better to be alone than with an abusive prick.

He sounds like an immature controlling wanker.

Get onto benefits calculators and see what you're eligible for as a single parent. Change your council tax.

The next few weeks will be tough - lean on your family and friends. You can do this. Life without him will be better than life with him.

this morning he transferred all the money (in fact now he has contributed more than he normally does per month) back into the joint account and told me to use it for whatever dd and me need, and said he is going to see a psychologist to get help.
I feel so wrong footed. Is this just another manipulation?
I had worked out all my finances today on a spreadsheet and was in process of eg transferring essential DDs back to my account and cancelling non essential, shopping around for cheaper deals etc.
He's messing about isn't he.

Yes it is another tactic to get you to back down

You dont need or want this in your life. COntinue with what you are doing.

It’s the other side of the same coin I think, it’s a very dramatic response. Why would he be thinking of seeing a psychologist? You haven’t really discussed the issues in your marriage together, let alone reached any conclusions about what might change for your relationship to be successful.

I’d be very cautious. Keep making plans for yourself and your DD, including finding your independence.

If he wants to make changes he should be doing it for himself not as an offering to you, that will only result in resentment. It’s all very sudden.

I would be very suspicious of his sudden revelation. This has been going on for years and he suddenly realizes he should now get therapy. Why? Because he knows he’s shot himself in the foot and you’re not pandering to him and begging him to come home! I bet he’ll say he’s “doing it for you”.. keep doing what you’re doing with regard to moving on without him. Let him work on himself (I’m guessing 3 sessions of therapy and he’ll be ‘cured’) and when he has changed completely he can rejoin you then. I can predict that it won’t happen so don’t fall for his crap. You’re doing brilliantly and stay focused.

@Fanthorpe we have both separately had CBT sessions for our anxiety and talked about how his seems to manifest in a lot of anger and avoidance, last time we had a major row he said he would read up on anger management (but didn't finish the workbook he bought because I didn't read a book on marriage he bought- I had already read the content that book was based on and actually recommended it to him!! Yet another way in which he was like"you did/didn't do this so I'm going to do this"
He had also agreed to go back on his meds which he stopped taking, and seek further talking therapy about his anger issues. So this is just another similar promise. I think it's his mums idea and they both think there's some magic cure for the way he treats us.

@Checkers88 it definitely sounds like he's playing mind games. I know it is all very hard right now but it will get easier

No not normal and the whole ‘saying goodbyes to the DCs’ is narcissistic behaviour and will be damaging to your children.
OP he’s enjoying the whole drama. As others have said, start detaching and putting you and your children first.

Ah I see, I think there’s a lot going on for both of you. It’s really challenging to live alongside someone who has anxiety when you struggle with it yourself.
Use the skills you learnt to manage how you feel, and any other positive techniques you have to feel calmer and safer. You know there are no quick fixes, but having him out of the house might give you some breathing space. I hope you’ve planned a nice day out for you and your DD? You deserve it.

Definitely- i jsut wonder how much of my anxiety is exacerbated or caused by his moods and behaviour. He's so unpredictable, the constant threats of leaving really tap into some childhood trauma for me , and because I manage all household admin (moving/managing direct debits, house hunting, relations with landlord) it's incredibly worrying from a practical perspective when he seems to always have one foot out the door. For example he insisted we use a joint account for bills but since then has (empty threat) wanted to split up at least twice and withdrawn half the money from it, and now I'm finally like ok I'm just moving these back to my own account, you're out. And seeing what can be rationalised/where I can save money. The realities of adult life and marriage, he just doesn't care about, it's all about the teenage theatrics.
I do feel more at peace today despite the new messages from him.
Dd and I are having a sofa day while I work and we are going to see the donkeys nearby later

Checkers You’re already doing better. And donkeys are always a great idea 💐