Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

I had a boyfriend who tried this once. Thing is, a previous boyfriend had tried driving off and leaving me stranded (I got a lift home from a very nice man I knew, so it completely backfired upon him), so I always had my travel card, bankcard and keys, even when I didn't obviously have a handbag.

When he stormed off, I simply finished what I was doing, went home and booked the locksmith.

As long as you have keys, phone, money, you're fine and don't need to get upset. Don't tell him you've got them, though. Especially if he says 'You don't need them'. And that'll at least make it ineffective as a means of bullying you - which could give you some time to think about whether you want to be terrorised by the constant threat of public humiliation and abandonment.

I called his bluff and told him to go. When he started getting nasty I took dd back out. He left, and I heard from his mum(who I get on with) that he has gone back to his family's home (at the opposite end of the country.)
He's taken like one bag. All his stuff is here. And he took half the money from our joint account that we use for rent; which is about to be due.
If he wants to keep his stuff here for some indefinite amount of time should I demand he transfer me back half the rent????

I don't know the best answer on the rent but say nothing tonight. Just breathe. He'll be expecting you to beg him to return by phone now. Don't.

Do you have any means of getting the money yourself? Either through parents or savings?
Wait it out, don't contact him.

Thanks Buttery. I feel in shock to be honest. I did not expect this to happen at the beginning of the weekend. Now my whole life is just in tatters.

You are married. Therefore he cannot withhold communal money.

Ring a solicitor tomorrow morning and find out your financial rights before you go texting him begging (basically) for it back.

At least then you have a weapon I. E your financial rights in this situation and can inform him in no uncertain terms. Or even inform him a solicitors letter will be forthcoming about the rent. He is also on the lease as a renter, remember. He cannot simply refuse to pay what he owes.

But he took it to blackmail you into begging, make no mistake. This is exactly the same MO as stranding you. It's to make you beg for him to come back.

Sorry this is happening OP. Would it be possible to contact the landlord and explain the situation? They may be sympathetic and allow you some more time to pay and give you a chance to discuss with the solicitor, etc

@Checkers88, a few months ago, I left the same man you describe after 20 years of marriage and 3 dc . It still hasn't hit me really, the full glory of having done the unthinkable and left, and I wish the same for you. I reached the point where I realised I had to leave, if not for me, but for my children's present and future happiness. The stonewalling, sulking, gaslighting and increased indirect physical aggression reached a point where I was just done. I was always being told I was cold, not affectionate enough etc. as a reason for his 'depression', the usual excuse for his appalling treatment of me. Like you, I was brought up in a dysfunctional family and wasn't in a position to accurately gauge whether I was experiencing abuse or normal relationship behaviours. He said he loved me often, but once I started focussing on his actions instead of his words, I saw a very different picture. I think he mistook love for a permanent desire to pester me for sex, grab my tits and sulk like a preschooler if I wasn't 'in the mood' (funny, isn't it, how hard it is to be in the mood when your partner has criticised every ounce of joy out of you for the past several years). Mine, too, would accuse me of 'going on about it' if I mentioned something hurtful or rude he had done. Even if the event in question had only happened 5 minutes ago, I should 'move on' and 'stop criticising'. And yes, like a pp said, he was incapable of walking beside me when we were out - always ahead or behind by a few paces. Thinking about it now, I'm certain he refused to let me set the pace because, in his underdeveloped little mind, that would be winning or telling him what to do. Please know that it ISN'T YOUR FAULT. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment and you do deserve a whole lot better.

Twice men did this to me , First time I left him at a pub and he had to find his own way 40 miles home on the train , the second time he walked in sweltering heat uphill back to a holiday let - took him hours and I just got drove past him got in the pool and relaxed.

@unicornsarereal72 - YES! No tiredness. No sadness. Or at least not if it was going to inconvenience him in the slightest way.

@Checkers88 - that's the word I use to describe my ex at least once a day. It just seems right. I'm so proud of your courage and I'm standing right beside you (with a large baseball bat in my hand).

@MitziK, that's interesting - my ex always used to say "Why do you need to bring your keys?" or "Why do you need to bring your wallet?". I always thought he said it to save me from carrying them unnecessarily (a consideration for me that was decidedly out of character) but now I am having a bit of an epiphany.

Transfer out the rest of the money from the joint account for now, in case he comes back for the rest.

I didn't really think of that. I told him to leave he's basically fucked off to his mums and taken very little, he hasn't moved out and won't be any time soon due to the distance his family lives away, and the rent is due tomorrow but now it's coming out of my share of what's left. Along with the council tax bill and other joint DDs set to come out in the next couple of days.
He didn't need to knee jerk and remove that money. I am furious tbh.

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first few pages. It's a pretty unanimous reaction of " it's totally unreasonable to storm off on someone" .

Coming from the perspective of someone who actually used to do this to my husband , a long time ago , between maybe the age of 23-25, I stormed off on him probably 6 to 10 times, usually in town when we were shopping. .

I'm totally ashamed of this btw , just trying to give you an example if what I was thinking when it happened. I have had a load of counselling since and am much more emotionally intelligent.

I would think that I felt trapped , that I felt angry and about to explode. The biggest feeling was definitely " if he doesn't listen to my words , he can listen to my actions", I wanted him to come after me, mollycoddle me , say " oh poor , poor bramberry... I will take care of you and put you first always". It was punishment for not doing exactly what I wanted to do , when I wanted to do it.

I had PTSD due to abuse in childhood, diagnosed a few years after this. I'm not proud of any of it. Just if it helps you now to maybe realise what he's thinking. I would have loved my husband to plead with me to stay. But it was only when he completely stopped playing my games that I started to work on myself.

I'm sorry it's happening to you. I don't think you should feel sorry for your husband. He's trying to manipulate you , just as I used to try and manipulate my husband.

Well, he's moved out then, hasn't he?

First, get a claim as a single parent going. Then it's cancelling DDs (not council tax or rent, but everything that can be bumped for a short period) and anything where his is the only name on the bill.

And change the lock because somebody who doesn't live with you has a key. It saves coming home one day next week to find he's come in and taken the TV, fridge, bed, microwave oven and your jewellery/laptop/phone charger.

The idea is to use your anger to fuel your standing firm, rather than crumbling and begging him to stop. It takes away his power.

He won't like that.

Do it.

Oh, and start your child maintenance claim tonight. As he's left in such a hurry, he's probably left things with his NI number on and you can use his mother's address so they can find him easily.

Just rtft and have to say, although you don’t feel good now, you will, you’ve done the right thing calling his bluff. What a pathetic arsehole - you and you DD are most certainly well rid.

He didn't need to knee jerk and remove that money. I am furious tbh.*
He did it to punish you. Phone the bank and make sure he can’t remove any more money.!

That’s shit he’s taken half the money. I presume he’s not contributing bills at his family’s house.

Next time you speak to his mum make sure she knows he's stolen the money for the rent and bills. What a twat

What @MitziK said

Dd isn't his so I'm not owed child maintenance, but thanks for the idea.
I have had to pay my rent today in full but I have asked his mother to speak to him about it, I can't bring myself to speak to him yet (or ever). He's literally taken a backpack with him, names on all the bills etc, he didn't even tell me where he was going. I don't think he really gets that we are legally married and that he can't fuck around like a teenager. (The money went out literally 5 mins after I went out with dd)
I feel incredibly shell shocked and sad today. I keep thinking this could have been avoided if I had just acted differently, been more loving/forgiving I guess? The stuff he has said got in my head. I remember when I used to love him SO much, in the first year I was just so smitten. I think it started to go away because of the sulks he would have, minor at first, and the way he might speak to dd even when she was tiny- I always stepped in which caused friction with him. Threatening to leave, threatening to storm off, calling me names, putting headphones on to shut me down in the middle of an argument. The logical part of me KNOWS that's not ok and my love could not have survived all this, but I still just wish it had. I so wish that I could have felt the same way forever. We seemed so great together. Until we didn't, I guess.

He's punishing you. 'How DARE she tell me to leave! Doesn't she know that only I am allowed to dictate how our relationship goes! I'll give her a taste of how it will be to live without me - she'll be begging me to come back any minute.'

He's taken the money so you have to beg. He'll sigh and make you promise that you will never do this again, then he'll come back, return the money and it will all be forgotten, except that he will punish you again and again and again for daring to stand up to him.

Don't even contact him to ask about the money. Beg, borrow and negotiate to manage without, just for now. Start your claim as a single parent and maintain complete radio silence with your H. It's the only way. He will take ANYTHING else as weakness.

Get a third party in to claim the money back from him via legal paths.

Call a solicitor and find out where you stand legally, this will help you feel a lot less stressed and panicky.