Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

I'd be tempted to send a message along the lines of 'Great, I wish you luck in your therapy and your future life'. And carry on the way you are. Its all manipulation to be seen to doing the right thing...its not actually doing the right thing. If he really took on board the impact he was having on you both, he would realise that you need to be happy and away from him. I doubt he has that insight. Its most likely just trying to manipulate you into taking him back. Choose better for you and your daughter.

I'm pretty sure that you don't want my opinion, but I don't see any evidence that this man is narcissistic. I see evidence that he is needy, moody, difficult and emotionally stunted but he doesn't even come close to displaying the full diagnostic criteria for narcissism. Which is a good thing. Because you don't want to discard a narcissist. They will fuck you over for it.

This relationship sounds bad from both sides, you don't love or fancy him anymore, you withhold affection and use the silent treatment ( you both do). It just sounds miserable and it definitely sounds toxic. You do have to end this relationship.

Just my opinion.

You sound like you’re doing better already since your wobble earlier. You’re a strong person with a lot of insight. You know what’s best for you and your daughter and I expect a lot of your anxiety will fade with him out of the picture. All those threats and upsets aren’t good for you. Keep marching forward

Please have faith in yourself OP and trust your instincts. There are many people in this world who try to wrong-foot us for their own purposes

I'd carry on doing what you're doing op. If he's genuinely serious about changing, you leaving or staying shouldn't change that. If after a period of time you can see he's doing as promised then you can, if you want to, have a conversation with him about the possibility of a reconciliation. But this will be months away, not just a few half hearted promises and a few weeks of trying on his part.

So, on the one hand - it's all your fault, you are the one who argues, storms off etc etc...and on the other hand he's going to see a psychologist? What for, if it's all your fault?

And would he ever go? Or hold the promise of going as showing that 'he's changed, he's different now, he understands what he did wrong and will never do it again' (and how often does THAT happen, in real life?)

You've made up your mind. He's not the man you thought he was. He can see anyone he likes, but unless he's really come to a realisation of how bad it was FOR YOU, he's never going to do anything other than reassure himself that he's not at fault.

@Checkers88
It's far too soon for him to have had some sort of self-illuminating conversion. He's coming off worse at the moment because of his own actions and he wants to get back to the status quo. Also, as you say, his mother is also aware a little of what's going on.

Already in a very short timeframe you are sounding calmer and more positive- think twice before you throw that away.

Also re-read excerpts from a couple of your posts:

My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go.

I think I have ptsd from my childhood where I witnessed some pretty scary stuff from my parents and whenever the threats come up from him, I just can't stop myself pleading.

Do you remember how you felt when you were pleading with him? Do you feel any different now?

Have you considered having some counselling just for you, without him, to work through both this relationship and the trauma you've had in the past?

I do wish you luck and peace OP. I feel you are a strong woman who just needs some space to breathe and spread her wings a bit.

I hope you and DD enjoy your sofa day and the donkeys.🌹

What @BurtsBeesKnees says. If he says that he's doing it for you, tell him that he should be doing it for him, as it is his problem.

No, because we talk about problems and he wouldn't upset the children and use them as pawns in an argument.

@Checkers88

this morning he transferred all the money (in fact now he has contributed more than he normally does per month) back into the joint account and told me to use it for whatever dd and me need, and said he is going to see a psychologist to get help. I feel so wrong footed. Is this just another manipulation? I had worked out all my finances today on a spreadsheet and was in process of eg transferring essential DDs back to my account and cancelling non essential, shopping around for cheaper deals etc. He's messing about isn't he.

Keep them transferred. Hoik the money out of the joint before he changes his mind.

And yes, he is playing games. So take the money now and get the financials sorted.

Maybe he's just saying it to get you to go back. Maybe he's serious and wants to get help.

Either way, you should stay where you are and separated for now. If he comes back a changed man then great but if you rush back now he will have no motivation to continue his self help.

Good luck with everything

Maybe once in seven years - during a big argument - but no it's not a habit of his

Have been lurking and silently cheering you on.
Well done STRONG woman. You can do this stuff without the drama and mind games, and people who DONT TAKE THEIR MEDS!

I am proud of somebody I don’t know

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling awful . I'm panicking about the future and the fact I might have made a mistake and given everything up.
I KNOW his behaviours weren't right, I just feel like I could have prevented them or been different and we could have been happier. Before things got so terrible as they did. We can't even have a conversation anymore without it deteriorating so rapidly (it's been the case for a couple of months now really..)
I loved him so much once, truly thought he was it. I don't know how this has happened. It's heartbreaking.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this and not crack.

You couldn't have prevented them - this is who he is. I think you know that really.

I know how hard this is. I sucked up so very poor behaviour from my ex. Yet if he to ask to come back I would in a heart beat. If it was just me. But I'm setting an example to my children. I do not want them to see how he behaves and think that is ok for their relationships.

Stay strong.

You'll be fine. Really you will. If you are not sure just tell him you want a month (or whatever) break totally. No discussion of the relationship in that time and he needs to stay away.

That should leave you enough time to get his name off the tenancy to give you more security. And the space to think. You're doing really well. Just take baby steps.

Find a solicitor that you like - my 4th was brilliant and not expensive. Get yourself informed so you know where you stand legally. And evaluate how you feel in a week, 2 weeks etc.

Good luck.

You are grieving what could have been, the fantasy of the life you could have been having is so close, almost touchable. But the reality is nothing you did or could do in any future can achieve that fantasy because he was acting against it. You could have been different, maybe, but that wouldn't have changed the essence of him. All that would achieve would be the total erosion of yourself. Are you willing to completely surrender yourself so he can get his own way all the time? Because that's what it would take.

Be kind to yourself. You are still in the place of worrying about him and making life ok around him so he doesn't kick off. It will take time to adjust your head back to putting your own needs first. You can do this.

Checkers, I think you need to keep re reading this thread all the way through. You can't change him, you couldn't have changed him back then. You need to look forward and now prioritise your daughter and you.
Keep reaching out to friends and family and here for support.
You sound fantastic. Please don't be fooled in to giving him yet another chance. XX

You have had a "dark night of the soul" which is normal I think. I certainly had a couple when I was divorcing my ex. All part of the processing, don't let it sidetrack you.

Please don't crack. Think of your daughter and what she's been witnessing. If you feel anxious because you never know when he's going to go off on one, imagine how your daughter feels. She knows that things could kick off at any moment, even when things are good, And that's damaging her.

Even if he gets therapy, it's not going to be an overnight cure. He might learn to control it a bit, but underlying it, he'll be the same person.

I feel like my brain is trying to wrongfoot me but I just think: if I had been less anxious, more open to things like moving sooner or trying for a baby, less able to let things affect me and I guess more forgiving or had sex more even if I was tired...... but again it is circular, I used to want to do those things but his erratic moods made me not want to. I began to dread even nice holidays, because he would kick off over nothing. I was scared to move somewhere more expensive in case he walked and I was left with the whole rent. Etc. It's not right. He wasn't emotionally mature enough - he couldn't see how his moods and tantrums affected me and dd. He didn't do his full share, he was lazy and entitled in a lot of ways. I KNOW this. And yet today I just feel so sad. I can't believe after years it is over.

It's like breaking any habit - it takes time. Give yourself a mental target, say six weeks, because that's how long it takes to break a habit. Tell yourself that you will review the situation in six weeks.

However, I will eat my hat if six weeks passes and you don't feel much much better without him in your life. What you are doing now is thinking how perfect it used to be, and if only it could be perfect like that again - only it wasn't perfect. It was never perfect. It was just you, trying as hard as you could to be wonderful, and him not really trying at all.

My DP did an epic storm off and ruined an entire holiday once. Utter childishness from him, I was furious about it. It's the closest we've ever come to separating.

I made my feelings clear at the time and we haven't attempted that kind of holiday since. I feel like if he ever did it again I'd be looking to end things, even though we get by pretty well in ordinary life.

Days out and holidays seem to be a flash point for family discord so we've lowered expectations all round.

I know I did give up trying though. I think I kind of started to go grey rock, I was sick of rows stemming from the same stuff (me not being affectionate "enough", me spending time with dd or going to sleep in with her when she woke in the night, me intervening if he was having a go at dd). So I just stopped trying, stopped loving him a bit. I probably should have left but I felt too sad and thought he could change and would stop reacting like he did. For sure, lockdown accelerated the issues 100x. I did my best thru lockdown to manage my work, dd and the house as best as I could but he jsut honed in on me and our issues and the rows kept coming. I guess the way he acted when I called his bluff the other day says a lot- he pulled out the money and even disconnected our google home hub which he managed, so petty . Stuff like that. I KNOW he is so emotionally immature and reactive. I don't think he is a narc, I jsut think he's a kid. But I love the sides of him that are funny, really generous, thoughtful. And he did want to get married, have a baby with me, but a house with me. What if I never get those chances again? I'm 32 now.
Feeling very low but I am re reading all the replies on this thread which helps.