Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

No. My ex did but he was a wanker.

It's really mean of him to put your children through this, saying goodbye to them and then having them watch as you plead with him to stay. It's not a good lesson for them to learn at all.

@ravensmum he says it's because I don't listen to him or I'm difficult or ruin stuff. Even I can see that's not true and certainly it's like he wants to punish me any time I disagree. I feel like I cannot come back from yesterday's incident. I just feel so mad for my dd and for myself really.

What are your circumstances? Work/childcare/finances/mortgage/rent etc?

My ex did this in a shop because the person he wanted to speak to was on their lunch. I just looked at the remaining staff and said "He's such a dick".

Actually, I've just remembered he did it another time in another shop. I apologised to the staff member he was rude to.

Just two occurances on a veeerrrrry long list. I often wonder what the OW's life is like now

He uses the threat to walk away to try and control you.
Then gaslights you to try and convince you his bad behaviour is his fault.
Married 20 years. DH never done this. Because he’s an adult. Adults use their words.
I agree with ducks in a row TBH. Hes setting an awful example for the kids too. This is not how adults deal with feeling cross or having a disagreement.
Sorry OP.

We have both joint and separate finances and savings. We rent a property but are a few months to the end of the joint tenancy- he wants to move somewhere bigger and we were supposed to be thinking about house hunting. I work FT in a job where can WFH fine, I can afford to stay in this flat with dd.
It's jsut shit because whenever he does this I somehow end up forgetting how bad it makes me feel til the next time.

Have you had help with the ptsd OP? That’s an awful thing to live with.

Yes. It’s horrendous. He used to only do it very occasionally, now he does it if someone speaks during a film we’re all watching it some other perceived slight. I am really struggling and read comments with interest.

I've only done this when pregnant and not with kids around.

This sounds horrible. It's probably easy to say don't beg him to stay, that's why he's doing it, you upset you.

I'm really sorry, but this is not normal in the slightest if you can afford to, I would extend the lease with just you and your daughter or look for somewhere for just the two if you.

I really don't mean this horribly but your daughter needs to know what a healthy relationship looks like and unfortunately this is not that.

I'm sure others will be along with more practical advice,

No my H has never done that in 24 years. It sounds like he is gaslighting and trying to control you and his outbursts are a way to keep you cowed down to him. Its not how a normal relationship is.
How old is your DD? Is she aware? Have you thought about a scenario where she thinks her behaviour has caused daddy to storm off? As she gets older she will witness this and it will become the norm to her too.
Next time he does it say 'whatever/bye/fine'and you and your child stay out. Go for a snack and drink and dont pander to his moods.
I would suggest you rethink a bigger move to a new property with him.

It sounds like a very damaging coping mechanism he's developed for when he came calm down, agree with the previous posters saying he's like a toddler, but everyone has that primitive part of the brain and sometimes it's badly behaved.
Whether that's your problem or just his is down to you, if he understands it's a problem that only he can solve and gets some counseling he might be able to change (eg to say politely that he needs 5 minutes alone to calm down and then come back soon) rather than something so damaging.
If he doesn't accept that he has a problem and continues to blame you (not saying you don't have problems but this one is on him) then you have to decide whether you can live with it.

He says I don't listen and the only way to get me to listen is to say he's leaving (whether it be our home or wherever we are in a day out) he has said that it is why he does it. Because it's the only way to get me to listen (I think by listen he means back down).
It's so hard to imagine actually ending it but now I'm like- how can we actually continue? Not because this time was particularly worse, he has done worse, but something in me has just snapped.

No. We have been together for 28 years and he has never once thrown a tantrum and stropped off. He wouldn’t have lasted this long, because I wouldn’t want my daughters to see that this is behaviour that is acceptable for women to put up with, or my son to learn that this is how men behave.
He sounds like a dick. Your parents have already perpetuated this cycle in you - please don’t do it to your children. (And by ‘you’ I mean both of you - if it’s salvageable in other ways then he needs to accept that he has a shit load of work to do to learn how to behave like an adult, and that he will need to commit to doing that with the help of a very good therapist and anger management specialist. And attend couples or family therapy to understand why his behaviour has to change.)
my guess is that he will just throw another tantrum if you suggest that, though, and you may not think he’s worth salvaging anyway. In which case, you need to consider your future and make plans to centre your own happiness and that of your children.

I had to an Uncle who used to do this, if people did not agree with him (normally when he was drunk). Thankfully my aunt left him but not before it had serious impact on my cousins mental health.

No my dh has never stormed off because he's an adult and isn't abusive.

No and I wouldn't have it I'm afraid , more than once and that would be the end.

For us DP does have a tendency to shut down and walk off in the house when we disagree. However after a few times (in the house only ) I sat him down and told him I hated it because it felt like shutting down my view and it was controlling. He agreed and apologised but he also had a point after in fairness apologising unreservedly, I have a tendency to keep pushing my point and not giving him a chance to think and absorb it. He isn't wrong , I do do that . So we agreed he doesn't walk off and I stop pushing for a bit to give him chance to think.

I wouldn't have it him walking off in public though. Leaving me with DC without being able to get home or having a nightmare to get DC home etc. Nope , that needs to stop.

Dp recognised he behaved the way he did because if childhood trauma (he grew up in an abusive household for some time) and I behaved the way I did because my dm used to do the same and keep carrying and pushing until the other person was ground down. However we both had to change behaviour.

I'm not suggesting you are in the wrong OP at all , just how it worked for us.

Yeah my ex did this. Also stormed off with the car keys leaving me in the middle of a road heavily pregnant. He still does it when things don't go his way. It's wonderful not having to live with that anymore. It does upset my kids though but they see him for what he is now.

The last time my now ex husband did this, was in the middle of a shopping mall when I had just calmly explained that I'd spent my last £35 on his birthday present, I didn't have any more treat money til payday, so I would not be buying him a dozen doughnuts all to himself. He earned a good full-time salary, but was financially abusive, he had driven us all to the mall in his car so when he stormed off I felt we had to follow him so we could get home. He sulked and gave me silent treatment for a further month and then I told him we were through. In hindsight I should have taken the children home on the bus. The time before he did it because I had the temerity to suggest if he didn't like having to buy xxxxl jeans he should eat less and exercise more. He abandoned us about 65 miles from home, for 3 hours, then reappeared at a cafe we were in, as if nothing had happened. Totally disfunctional non-competent adult behaviour.

(I think by listen he means back down)
Certainly sounds like it from your description of what happens after he says this.
I just feel so mad for my dd and for myself really.
That's a good attitude. Is it because it's not "just" you but also the children that you've started to see it differently?

No not in 40+ years nor I to him. I’m always amazed on these threads that people even have to ask if it’s OK or not. Good grief.

Ex 'D'P did this. Once when we were abroad he walked off and booked himself into a different hotel. He had booked everything (car, flights) and we were there for his friends' wedding, so I was left completely alone without important info I'd need to get home (pre-internet, early days of mobiles).

It's like he can't calm down. This was Ex's problem. Eventually he lost his shit at work and decided it was important enough to sort out so went for anger management but tbh he was still manipulative and wanted to make everything my fault (eg said it was a pity I wasn't strong enough to handle his powerful emotions and other bullshit).

He was abusive so I chucked him and met and married DH, who would never think of it. We've known each other for 15yrs, have lived together for 12, and in all that time once he lost his temper when he couldn't sleep and slammed a door (wrote me a long apology in the morning before he went to work).

At the very least your DH should go for anger management and OP you might benefit from the Freedom Programme as well as talking therapy It's important considering your history to figure out the dynamics of this relationship, how you tolerate and react to this behaviour and how you can address it. I was also brought up with emotional dysfunction and everyone tiptoeing around the angry men in the family.

Its a control tactic designed to keep you on your toes so that you're always monitoring yourself in case you upset him. That's the desired goal - to make you constantly consider him and his "need" to have everything his way.

Fuck that noise.

As a fellow PTSD sufferer, I say this with empathy and respect- you have to draw a line here, and protect your daughter who will otherwise grow up thinking that its normal to accept this treatment. That will be hard, but it must be done.

Your OH is behaving abusively.