Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

Of course you’re worried about the future, that’s completely normal, you’ve just done something really extraordinary! If you read what you wrote at the start you were really worried about him going, which he used against you all the time.

None of us are you, we can’t know what it’s like.

Checkers, I'm nearly 60. I know 32 feels ancient to you, but to me you are still young enough to make a totally fresh start; buy a house, have a baby with someone else.

You loved the parts of this man that were loveable. Of course you did. But there was plenty about him that wasn't loveable. It takes two to make a relationship work. You could have given given given until you had nothing left to give, and he STILL would have found a reason to be obnoxious, because that's who he is. The things he complained about - you not being 'affectionate enough', looking after your DD, are things that no man whould ever complain about, unless he is an entitled prick who thinks that his need for 'affection' (sex) comes above a mother's need to care for her child.

Dont feel foolish or ashamed of feeling sad Checkers. You are mourning what could have been, what you thought you had. But you have seen the relationship for what it is and you shouldn't be happy exactly for it coming to an end, that's not quite the right word, but definitely relieved and optimistic I hope.

32 is not old or too late, take time for yourself and your dd to recover from this and hopefully when you least expect it you will find someone new. Someone who deserves you. Keep reading back this thread to remind yourself of the good advice and how wrong your partners behaviour has been. That should hopefully help you on the bad days.

Did you see the donkeys?

@Checkers88

I know I did give up trying though. I think I kind of started to go grey rock, I was sick of rows stemming from the same stuff
That was the correct reaction at the time though. You protected yourself and also your daughter from his excessive negativity and even so she'd have very likely absorbed some of tension in her home. Why would you accept more of this were he to return?

I guess the way he acted when I called his bluff the other day says a lot- he pulled out the money and even disconnected our google home hub which he managed, so petty .
This is who he is. This was nasty behaviour. He actually thought about it before deciding to do it. Would a loving person do this to you?

I don't think he is a narc, I jsut think he's a kid.
He may not be a narcissist: I don't know. But he's not a kid. He is a grown man who knows exactly what he's doing to get his own way and get you thinking how you should behave.

And he did want to get married, have a baby with me, but a house with me.
I know you are hurt and despairing but can you see how having a child with him would have tied you to him for years? Child contact? Maintenance, etc. At least until the child was 18. It would be walking back into a trap.

What if I never get those chances again? I'm 32 now.
OP you talk about yourself as though he is your last chance of happiness. Re-read your posts to see if this really is the best you can do? And you are ONLY 32. That really is very young. You have youth on your side to do whatever you want to do without having to plead with anyone just to have a normal happy day. Plenty of time also, to find someone - when you are ready - who will treat you as an equal, and not manipulate you.

Give yourself time to just live your life in peace and tune him out for a while. Also do please think about getting some counselling for yourself to work through both your past and your present. Do this for your own mental and emotional strength and for your daughter who deserves a calmer childhood. Good luck to you. 🌹

Hope you're OK Checkers88 and staying strong

I almost gave in to messaging him back last night, he messaged late saying he loved and missed us both. I distracted myself by watching YouTube and re reading this thread. I am really glad I did. I had such a hard day yesterday feeling really stressed with work and looking after dd who is not back to school full time. I was a single parent before I met H (in fact from when dd was born, which was so so much harder in a lot of ways than it is now) so I know I can do it, I got us McDonald's and we watched a musical together last night and it was lovely- no worries about getting her off to bed or about H being bored or annoyed, or her being too hyper during the exciting bits.
Dd is at my mums tonight and I think I will go for a long walk , I really need some space to just breathe. Have arranged to see a close mum friend on Sunday so dd can play and we can talk about it. Everyone is being really kind (even strangers on here!) but I think I'm still slightly in disbelief that this is happening to me. It's like I don't believe abuse can happen to me in real life. Even know I know it happens all the time to women everywhere. And it's that nice side of them which you get stuck on. Never mind the threats, nasty words, moods and escalations.

That is good news OP

If you struggle read your last post about joe much he put your daughter through needing her in bed and not being hyper during movies

It must be hard for you because now you're away from all the stuff that drove you mad you're thinking about just the good bits. I'm sure he'll do something soon enough to remind you why you wanted to leave! KOKO

I'm 32 now
So young OP.
Don't relinquish your life to this man.
It doesn't matter what you do. How you do it. How affectionate you are. How loving you are. How much you do for him.
IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.
The goalposts will move again and again.
It's to keep you on your toes and at his beck and call.
Fuck that shit.
I bet you had a much less stressful evening and night last night?
You will still be anxious about everything but it was still much more chilled - wasn't it!?
Don't allow him to dictate how you parent.
Don't allow him to squash your DD vibrant personality.
Don't allow him to take away who you are or to question yourself.

HE IS ABUSIVE - PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Time to stop enabling it.
Time to take back control of your life.
Time to show your DD that no-one deserves to be treated like this.
Time to show her you are strong and willing to stand up for her.

You've got this.

I'm sorry to say my DH has done this and does still do occasionally but says it's because he doesn't want to argue.

We have spoken about it and I've said if he keeps doing it then it can't work long term because I find it really hurtful and not nice for my kids when he turns round and goes off.

Just wanted to say your not the only one, my DH rarely apologised as well...

As someone once said, if your sausage roll had a lump of poo in it you wouldn’t eat it. Why accept a husband who is (at least) 50% crap? And he’ll be around a lot longer than a sausage roll..... As a matter of interest, what does your daughter say or do when he strops off in a tantrum?

@goody2shooz she usually just accepts it. She hasn't asked about him since Monday, or talked about him really. I feel like she's just got used to/numb to it. Sad really.

He messaged me on WhatsApp today I saw then deleted the message . I think it was a ploy to get my attention. But I just don't care what he said.

Chat with her about what’s happening, reassure her that you’re not going anywhere, talk about things you’ll be doing today tomorrow and next week. Don’t let her think people just going is the norm. Children sometimes fill in the gaps in the worst way.

He messaged me on WhatsApp today I saw then deleted the message . I think it was a ploy to get my attention. But I just don't care what he said.
Another step in the right direction, @Checkers88

When you say storm off, do you mean he gets some space to calm down and think? That’s preferable to a a big argument

Actually he sounds very immature

If anyone's still around from my earlier posts...
This has been a tough week but have kept pushing on and avoiding contact, except for a couple of messages asking him to respect that. He was full of apologies at the end of last week but by now (just over a week on from me asking him to leave) is saying me "ghosting" him is not the way to fix our problems and he is willing to work on "our problems" with marriage counselling, and that I am basically being unreasonable not engaging with the continued drama. I think I've been too scared to turn around and say it's over, no more contact, come and get your stuff when possible. I don't know why I'm so scared. I guess scared that I'm making a mistake. But he is telling me that he's willing to work on himself and he knows he's behaved wrongly, and if I don't take this at face value he is getting more irritated. He doesn't seem to see that that is making things worse.

This whole thing has been about boundaries and the fact that he doesn’t allow you to have any. Just because someone says something it doesn’t demand a response, it’s your call.

Have a think about what you want and calmly tell him. Call him, maybe, have a chat. It sounds terrifying? Decide what you want to say and stick to it, very calmly. Just keep bringing it back to simple facts. Think about it. None of us can tell you what’s best for you, it’s up to you.

Do you want to try marriage counselling? You've already tried CBT separately, and he's already supposed to be taking medication, and already supposed to have been reading up on anger management. If you are not keen on counselling, you could reasonably say that the stuff you've tried so far hasn't worked, and there's no point flogging a dead horse. Or you could just say that you think it's a great idea for him to work on his issues, and you wish him all the best, but you're not going to join him on that journey.

Personally, if he said I had to "be more reasonable" with him or he would "get more irritated", I'd not want to go along with that threat.

But they aren't 'our' problems, are they? They are 'his' problems. And it sounds as though he's pushing for marriage counselling as a way of shoving responsibility for them onto you - 'I only behave this way because of...(long list of all the things that he perceives you to have done wrong).

It's an attempt to bamboozle you. If he's known all along how bad it, and his behaviour, were - why didn't he address it all then?

My dad used to do this but mostly just stomping off from dinner to his room. Which was preferable to the alternative really. Your DH sounds very childish and needs to find better ways of managing his feelings. If he won't, he can leave for good.

Exh used to do this a lot. Awful. Especially when there's DC involved who wouldn't get away with behaviour like that even as toddlers!

I was coming in to post along the same lines as Zaphodsotherhead

He seems to think this requires a joint effort, but you have really done nothing wrong here. How will marriage counselling change the way he treats your daughter for instance? Changing your behaviour wont fix his and to be perfectly frank, counselling is not recommend where one partner is emotionally abusive.

You don't have to jump to attention because he demands it.

Next time he does, say ‘fine go, I’m not bothered’ and when he tries to stay ask him to leave. Let him go home in a strop, let him realise you’d rather enjoy your walk etc with your child than with a grown man throwing a tantrum. I’ve not personally experienced this but I can imagine it’s frustrating.