Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

Right at the start of our relationship DH did this. The first time I was stunned as I hadn’t had it before. The second time I said, very clearly, something like: “If you go now that is it. I won’t wait for you, I won’t be around when you come back. If you think this row is worth finishing over then that’s fine, but if you think we should be together then we need to talk about this. I’m not interested in storming off and sulking”

He stayed, we talked and thankfully he never did it again.

No but I also wouldn't plead for someone to stay. My attitude tbh if someone said that to me would be pack your bags and fuck off then. Once out, not coming back.

My ex did this and also when in the house. I used to call them his mardy drives. It's never ok. Hes an ex for a reason.

I joined Mumsnet many years ago because my ex was like this. I put it under AIBU and even though all the answers unanimously said I wasn't being unreasonable, conditioning had made me think it was all my fault, everything in the relationship, and I stuck on for another few years. We were not married, my daughter (not his) loathed him - the final straw was a holiday the three of us went on and he stormed off every day. I recall saying to her "well, it's as if we're on holiday on our own, which is what you wanted" and she replied "it's not, because you're upset that he is angry with you and just wants you to apologise when you've done nothing wrong". My own father was similar, DD's father so similar that he walked away completely years ago, and I realised that I was perpetuating the cycle and condemning my daughter to the same kind of relationship.

I would say leave, but when you are ready. It gave my daughter such an interest in psychology that she now has a degree in it (one tiny positive).

My exh used to do this. He once stormed off in the middle of the night when we were abroad in a city I didn't know, and I was heavily pregnant.

I honestly don't know how I found my way back to the hotel! I could never get him to see how wrong this behaviour was - it was always my fault for arguing (otherwise known as standing up for myself). For some unknown reason I stayed with him for another 25 years after this incident and finally divorced 2 years ago.

Life is so much easier without him.

L

Whatever you do, don't let your DD grow up with the same feelings you did. Don't let history repeat itself!

I guess on some level I believe that the sulks and storms off are caused by me (standing up for myself usually as a PP said) and that it would turn Into something even bigger I.e. we would get home and he would've got even more angry and want to start it up again in front of dd. I feel like I just want him to stop and get on with the day, it's like damage control. But then I feel so shitty and controlled afterwards. I couldn't just be normal and affectionate let alone talk about the potential move after it happened which built up to him last night having a massive go at me when dd was in bed because I don't listen, I treat him like shit, I don't act like I love him as much anymore (WOW surprise surprise) and constantly criticise him over dd (yesterday evening he snapped at her that she was being RIDICULOUS because she didn't want him to put his feet on a beanbag she was lying on, and I was like "it's ok, just leave it" to him.

Bottom line though he knew I was upset from Saturdays incident and he wanted to turn it all around to me being the reason for his anger. He says I'm gaslighting him and I should just tell him I don't love him. When he's not being like this I do feel more love but he doesn't get it.. I'm not superhuman. I have feelings. He ended up saying"fuck you" and sleeping on the sofa, is now apparently not talking to me.

I literally dread weekends with him. He always finds some way to accuse me and start a row or a sulk. He goes on about how he's so unhappy and unloved but he never actually wants to leave. It's making me so unhappy and depressed too. I feel like with lockdown etc I have completely doubled down and tried to focus on keeping my job and making things ok for dd and he doesn't get all my attention... the end of most days I'm emotionally and physically knackered . And yet I'm the one who suggests family plans (which he ends up ruining), I'm the one who supports him when things go wrong or he feels shit, I'm the one who has taken on about 90% of home and dd stuff without complaining and let him play his video games, read or chill every evening... he doesn't see any of this as evidence of my love. Just constantly accuses me and grinds me down, moving the goal posts.
I am SO SICK OF THIS. I cannot have a future with him but most of all I don't want this future for dd.

Tell him to leave.

You don't actually like each other any more do you?

You are both with each other out of habit, he behaves just about well enough for you not to kick him out/manipulates you into thinking it's your fault but the love isn't there and you aren't friends any more.

If next time he threatened to stomp off, you just didn't react and said 'Go on then' he would be completely flummoxed.

Op, you need to end it. It sounds miserable.

He sounds like someone who has difficulty in communicating; will not listen or have a proper conversation and I bet he never says 'sorry'.

It is very frustrating but the only way to deal is to cut yourself off from him as much as possible.

Jeez, how have you not told him to Fuck Off already? He is contributing nothing to your well-being and what the hell is the point of a relationship like that? No mutual support, no camaraderie, just stress and hassle. FGS LTB!

He does say sorry a fair bit, but it's just a word and he never stops repeating the behaviours and is angry at me for not being able to be normal after something horrible happens. He took his wedding ring off and threatened a storm out 6 weeks after we got married. I am cringing thinking of how stupid I've been to think it would change.

He says I am not contributing to his well being and I don't show my love and am "pissed off all the time". Like I said, I've found lockdown very tough but I have also been picking up the lions share of everything and trying to keep him in a good mood despite the fact that he stopped taking his anti anxiety meds for a month without telling me, which prob made things worse... He's threatened to end our marriage about 5 times in the last 3 months.
I don't really feel like sex marathons, leaving him cute little notes or being affectionate surprisingly. However apparently this is how I fall short. What I bring to our marriage right now doesn't matter because no amount of attention and reassurance would fill his black hole of affection. He's also not speaking to his mum or sister right now over some overblown slight.

So when he says you don't love him, is that usually to explain his bad behaviour? That is, he does something unpleasant, and then says that his unpleasant behaviour is not his fault because it is due to you not loving him?
And you think that "being unloving" is what bad people do, so you try to be more loving to show that you are not a bad person? Except that actually this just consists in trying to appease him?
There's no discussion as to how he demonstrates his love for you, presumably?

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and that legacy still impacts on you to this very day. Its no coincidence that you went onto choose abusers for partners themselves with this current man being an abuser too; this is familiar and known to you. Its all going to have to be unpicked and unlearnt through therapy. None of the abuse you have suffered from them and continue to suffer at this man's hands is your fault; its all on these people.

What this man is doing now is also projecting his own self onto you; he is really describing his own self here rather than you. You're basically another version of his mother, a woman he also detests. Such types too hate women, ALL of them.

How can you be helped now into leaving your abuser?.

Your only real option now with this current man is to leave him because he is abusing you and in turn your child also. She absolutely has to learn positive and life affirming lessons about relationships and she will not as long as you as her mother continues to stay with this individual. You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Sadly no-one ever saw it fit to protect you from abuse at home but you can break this cycle now by showing her properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

I would suggest you contact NAPAC re your childhood napac.org.uk/

This reminds me of an ex boyfriend. He apparently didn't like my driving, so once whilst we were in stationary traffic jumped out to make a point that he refused to be in the car with me.

Except I carried on driving, didn't stop at the car park as he was no doubt expecting and left the controlling fucker to find his own way home.

He was an incredibly controlling dickhead. I dumped him not long afterwards giving him a full dressing down about his complete selfish behaviour. His face was a picture, like a smacked arse. He was so use to having his own way, I still remember it now

It's interesting how you are blaming his behaviour on your own. Abusers always manage to do that to their victims. He is responsible for his own actions. My XH used to do this. It was all about power, control and keeping me in my place (as he saw it). I was constantly walking on eggshells to prevent a scene and I strongly suspect you are too. That kind of behaviour makes you feel permanently insecure and it's very easy to lose sight of what a normal relationship looks like.

I left. It was the best thing I ever did. One of the first things I told my now DH was that storming off, from home or if we were out, was completely unacceptable to me and I wouldnt tolerate it. He has never done it, and to be fair, probably never would have anyway.

You are being kept in a state of anxiety by this man, a normal relationship doesn't look like this. I imagine you have that constant stomach churning feeling I remember so well. I hope you are able to leave this man, he is making you unhappy and your life will be immeasurably better without him.

Not really surprised that he is not speaking to either his mother and sister currently. Such men really do hate women, ALL of them.

He is abuser 101 straight out of that handbook. What you are writing along with your reactions to same are all typical of what happens in an abusive relationship.

He is angry because he is at heart abusive and you did not cause that to happen. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He does not need anti anxiety tablets so much as years of therapy and even then he is unlikely to change. This is who he is and such attitudes are so very deeply ingrained within his pysche. He does not want your help or support and he hates women.

You need to end this for yourself and for your DD - you are living in a world where he controls you with this and brings you into line

(yesterday evening he snapped at her that she was being RIDICULOUS because she didn't want him to put his feet on a beanbag she was lying on, and I was like "it's ok, just leave it" to him.

Look at this he is overruling your DD boundaries now that he has the right to put his feet on a beanbag.

Its over the only ties you have are the rent on the flat you need to make the move

It is soul destroying and disheartening, I know. Especially in the presence of your children when he’s supposed to be a role model to them. My H occasionally flares up out of nowhere in front of our DS, and has told me “to drop dead”. I’ve told him that if he ever does that again he needs to pack his bags and go, instead of berating me and blaming me and trying to score points against me, and threatening to walk. We don’t permanently row and so I’m with him for the sake of our 13 year old, and because I couldn’t support myself financially these days. Does his behaviour reflect how he was brought up? I’ve realised as time has gone on, that my H was allowed to rule the roost growing up and he gives his mum money each month, so when he speaks rudely to her she doesn’t challenge him and just takes his crap. I recently told her she shouldn’t let him get away with it as he thinks it’s okay to be that way and talk to me like that. You really need to stand firm with him and give him your expectations.

You don’t do this, you don’t do that, what does he to help you? What does he do to show you he loves you

He sounds like an overgrown toddler who expects you to be fully responsible for everything including his well-being. Next time he says he wants to break up just calmly say, ‘ok, if that’s what you really want’, he definitely doesn’t want to break up he just wants to get you scared so you’ll run around after him even more.

I haven’t rtft so someone might have mentioned this already but I think you’ll be able to relate to this profile of Mr Demanding and possibly some of the other abuser profiles.

He buys me stuff, he does the cooking. He is affectionate/tells me he fancies me (mainly via innuendos which I find annoying)
I guess those are the things that he can hold up to say he's being loving and I'm not. He doesn't get that him doing the bins, being kind and engaged with dd or doing the hovering are things that would make me feel loved and would make me feel better about us. Like I say I do suggest all family stuff we do (even though he frequently messes it up) I give what I can. It's just a lot with a 5yo, home, work, covid worries and my own mild depression issues. He just keeps on at me. Like today he's turned round and said "you haven't spoken to me all morning" when HE was the one who ignored me up til now! Does he expect me to have eternal love and patience like a saint??

He also doesn't get that blaming his unpleasant behaviour on you by accusing you of being horrible or threatening to leave on a regular basis including after 6 weeks of marriage are not being loving.
You sound a bit like me with my exh. I thought for years that he was the more loving one because, basically, he told me so. Only afterwards did I question that "fact". He too used to say that he loved me. In a very awkward way. While acting totally at odds with that idea.