Does your H ever storm off when you're out?

[Checkers88]

Just that really.
I have a pretty dysfunctional family background so I don't really trust my own judgement on this. My H has stormed off (or threatened to storm off but not followed through) many times over the years, whether we are out with dc or just us. He did it yesterday on a family walk and even said goodbye to dc etc and I had to try and plead with him not to go. He didn't in the end, apologised an hour or so later. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?
For context it's generally over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding that he will amp up to 11. Yesterday it was over something easily brushed off and within 10 mins it was "I'm going home". So many times before as well.
Feel so, so done and depressed today I just can't take it any more.

"Storming off" is not acceptable and sounds like he uses that as a way to manipulate you, as you said sometimes he doesn't follow through and only threatens it.

Wanting to take some time is perfectly reasonable, if it is twinned with the following or similar proclamation; "Look, I need a moment, I can feel myself getting angry so I'm going to walk away now but I will be back when I feel calm. I will meet you at X place/I will be back in 30 minutes and we can pick this conversation up then."

OP, you are strong and capable to have coped with this for so long. You are going to do just fine without him (in fact I'll bet you'll find life much, much easier).

You can do it. Time to draw the line and move on.

In all truth I don't feel as loving as I used to, because of the way things are. But I don't know how to say that and part of me wants to believe it's not true or that I need to just try harder.
He can be like Disney dad/husband of the year but nowadays even then I am waiting for the other shoe to drop as it's all front.

Why should you try harder when he's not trying at all?

Cooking and buying you stuff? 'Showy' things that he can point to so he can say 'look at all I do for you!' Any emotional support? Quiet, behind the scenes, practical support? No?

I have never heard of a case where the words 'off you fuck, then' were so clearly called for.

My DH has never down this. Your husband sounds awful - my DS is 4 and hasn't behaved like that for years

There's a difference between acting loving and feeling love. To me it sounds as if neither of you loves the other, which I can more than understand in your case. And you are both acting loving, just differently - you are trying to be pleasant to live with, but not saying you love him; he is saying he loves you, but not being pleasant to live with.

The thing is I do say I love him , I do forgive, I do carry on as best as I can (and I thought I was acting loving or at least like a good partner when I didn't always feel loving)
But it's not enough. And I feel like this is all my fault somehow.. that I'm a cold person who has driven him to this.

So you know in your head that his accusations are totally unfair and just intended to stop you noticing his enormous flaws, as you are busy worrying about what else you could do to be nicer?
Is it just his accusations getting to you, or do you tend not to feel good enough anyway, without him "helping"?

This man is running rings round you OP. He has no reason to change because he has you exactly where he wants you - and your child too.

The only way things will change is if you stop listening to him, stop letting him get into your head to the degree you are questioning yourself and agree with him the very next time he says he will leave.

You are not completely beaten down yet, because you are showing in Your posts that you are quite aware of how he's behaved in the past and now, and anticipating what action he's likely to take to actions with respect you what you say and do.

I'm sure you are aware that he'll draw your daughter into this unhealthy relationship. In fact he's already started. Eg the incidents at the bookshop when you were pleading with him in front of her and, again, when the way he reacted when he put his feet on the beanbag she was sitting on. She is absorbing all this and the general atmosphere in her home.

You obviously have resilience because you are coming back, though hurt, from every negative thing he says and does to you. But how long can you do that?

The only way things will change will be if you change them and have the courage to overcome the flak which will come when you finally say "No more" - and mean it.

You sound as though you are in a reasonable financial position to support yourself and your daughter if could persuade him to leave and get first option on a new lease, without him, when your current tenancy expires. Or if he won't leave look for a different rental. You could even look at what benefits you may be entitled to, depending on your finances. Eg: www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk if you needed extra help initially.

BUT you need to take those first steps in getting him out of your life. It takes courage but you seem to have it - though it's currently misdirected in just coping with your daily life now.

Also you said: It's just the straw that's broken the camels back. Is this normal for an adult man? Seriously?

How would you advise your own daughter, if she asked you the same question?

It was honestly one of the main reasons I divorced my ex

When he's calm can you sit and talk it through with him?

You've made me think. DH did this several years ago when we were on a day out with the kids and he was starting to get bored. He literally said, "I've had enough, I want to go now," just as the kids were really having a good time, and started walking away. I pointed out we were here for the kids, not him, or me, and that he was being ridiculous. It ended up where I shouted at him to never ever come out with us again. Over the years, days out have often been just me and the kids, and that has been much better and more relaxed. So this day ruined a happy place for me and I always think of it whenever we go there....... Maybe I should have made more of it and not just brushed it off so easily......

My ex H did this a few times - two incidents that will always stick in my mind, mainly because they couldn't have been clearer red flags that I stupidly ignored - and both were before we were married.

I'd met him for breakfast in a restaurant down the road from where I lived at the time. I'd been going to that restaurant for about a decade, since I was 14. I knew all the staff very well (even ended up working with one of them). At the time ex H was vegetarian, and they accidentally bought him the regular breakfast. He threw a fit, blaming me, stormed out. I can still remember the humiliation of sitting there with tears running down my face, trying to eat my breakfast with everyone in the crowded restaurant staring at me. I was so embarrassed that ended up being the last time I ever went there...

The second time was the worst. New Years Day, 2000. The weather was appalling that night, raining, cloudy and cold. We'd gone to a friend's party - ex H didn't like it and we left before midnight. Went into the town centre, hardly anyone we knew was out and all had left long before midnight. We went to watch the fireworks in the town centre but due to the horrible weather couldn't see anything. At about 1am ex H then decided he wanted to find somewhere open to go on drinking...by this time I was wet through, tired and just wanted to go to bed. We wandered around the town centre for another hour, in the end he had to concede defeat and we walked back to my flat (also very near the town centre) He was ranting and raving about what shit night it had been, blaming me for all of it. When we got to my flat he tried to continue the fight, I finally told him to leave at about 3am...he left, and then urinated on my front door. I then didn't hear anything from him for 2 weeks.

I still can't believe I was stupid enough not to end it there and then. I'd fallen for the 'sunk cost fallacy' well and truly and didn't want to make the previous 5 years together be for nothing. Also didn't help that I was 31 and had been getting serious grief since I'd turned 30 from my mother about how long we'd been together without being married.

Please remember how you felt in the shop when you were having to beg him not to leave - imagine your own daughter doing the same thing when she's older. If you stay you will be telling her that her father's treatment of you both is acceptable.

I just tried to discuss it with him and it turned into him saying I need to stop "huffing" after something like Saturday happens and "let it go". That I'm being abusive by acting distant after he does something like that.
So much of my brain believes him and makes me feel I am wrong to have not been ok after.
Have gone out now as the atmosphere is so bad. Dd is at school but she's back in like3 hours. I feel so shit for her. He will carry this on til he pulls the divorce card and I back down (again). Feel so exhausted.

Have gone out now as the atmosphere is so bad. Dd is at school but she's back in like3 hours. I feel so shit for her. He will carry this on til he pulls the divorce card and I back down (again).
Don't back down OP. I know it's easier for me to say from the outside looking in but, really, what better option do you have?

So, in other words, you have to put up and shut up. He can continue to behave how he likes but you have to modify your response to him. That you are supposed to act all loving, even though he behaves badly. That you have to forget what he did and how he made you feel and switch straight back into being 'ok' with him.

Is that right?

Put on a lovely big smile. Maybe buy a nice bunch of flowers to cheer the place up. Then get on Google seeing how you can change things according to your own timetable.

Ah yes,
‘That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, it is not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did.
You deserved it.’

Please believe the part of your brain that knows this is wrong.

So let him pull the divorce card. Say 'Good, I agree, this has all gone on for far too long, we shouldn't be together anymore, we are setting a terrible example for our daughter'. He then leaves and you and your daughter enjoy a happier life.

My exH used to do this.

The two worst times were:

once when 300 miles from home with two small children with ASD.
One had just had a spectacular meltdown in the middle of London.
He went home because 'he couldn't cope'.

Another time he 'went out to die in the snow'.

He has not improved.

I too had a horrible childhood which affected my responses

I couldn't 'help / change' him. I could only work on myself and keep my kids safe from seeing such behaviour as they started to model it.

DH does do this a lot, often on holiday. I just let him go and do my own thing and then will get a panicked call a few hours later because he has no idea where he is. I don’t beg him to stay, I don’t let it curtail my enjoyment, and actually I prefer this rather than a blazing row over nothing in public.

No. It's abuse.

even said goodbye to dc etc

He's even using the children as part of it. Imagine how they felt- they have even less control than you do over the situation.

It's just shit because whenever he does this I somehow end up forgetting how bad it makes me feel til the next time.

Write down somewhere (if you can hide it from him) how it makes you feel, so you can look back over it when needed. You could also write in this thread how it makes you feel. What did you feel?

It's good that you see that it's not because you don't listen, it's an attempt to control you. He's using his anger and your fear of his anger to control everything. It's not because you are 'cold' or 'push his buttons' -he's responsible for his behaviour.

He doesn't get to tell you how you should feel about his actions.

He knows I have given him an ultimatum about this stuff in the past and that he's on thin ice.

You know the thing about ultimatums is they're ultimate. You already set a red line and he's crossed it. He shouldn't be 'skating on thin ice,' when he broke an ultimatum/crossed a boundary you've set. It should be the end. That's what you've already said presumably when you made the ultimatum- or you said there would be some consequences if he stormed off again. What did you say when you made an ultimatum in the past?

Take control and tell him (I know it's hard if you maybe find conflict difficult due to your childhood) that you've told him before that this is not ok and that if he did it again the consequences would be X, he's done it again and so X is going to happen now.

Him saying 'sorry' means nothing because when he does it just happens again and you said before that the next time would be the last time. So if he tries to fake apologize again, please don't let it sway you. xxx

I agree with let him pull the divorce card but maybe this time just say ok.
Dont beg him not to go. Dont pander to hia moods. Just say ok. I'm fed up of living like this. I would like you to leave.
Why do you have to back down? You dont have to do this? Accept his behaviour or live like this. You can be happy without him and it doesn't sound like you can be happy with him so the alternative has to be a better option

Never has my DH stormed off while we're out.
You really do not need to put up with this behaviour, let him have a divorce then you can enjoy your days out ( and your days in)

Honestly, what does he bring/add to your/your DD's lives? Ignore what he says, what does he actually do and how does that make you feel?

Its better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

One thing is for sure, with saying goodbye to your DD as part of his threats and pushing her boundaries with the beanbag he's now treating your daughter poorly too.