DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

@AwakeNotWoke if you're unfulfilled, dissatisfied and whining about life, why not make some changes? I would find it really hard to live with a whinger.

Because we have organised our lives to work for us and our family and although some parts of that are better than others, it's the best it can be. Doesn't every whinge from time to time about the things they don't like? So DH might whinge about his horrible commute, I might whinge that the toddler threw her dinner on the floor for the 15th time and cleaning it up was totally mind-numbing.

I'm not saying I whine all day every day! But I think the DH is getting a rougher ride than he maybe deserves.

I'm a sahm whose dh earns more than enough for all of us.
My kids are now teens so I could go back to work.
I have occasionally felt the way your dh does but have always regarded it as MY problem to resolve not DH's.
Fortunately for all of us I don't resent every minute spent on housework but if he does then the whole issue is his to address - change his thinking, raise his standards, come up with a system that means he's not constantly having to do stuff, ensure that jobs are done so you're not having to do them, agree standards with you.
My point being that he can't just sit back and complain without coming up with some solutions and the solution is not for you to either do it all or to live in a house you can't relax in

Could you afford a cleaner do you think? I do not enjoy H/W but do it because I have to! Many men (including dear old Tony Blair!) seem to think its a "Womans job" and js somehow beneath their dignity because they own a couple of balls FFS!

OP's house does have a cleaner!

Somehow this whole nonsense about homemaking = willy dropping off thing really needs a shake up

Women manage to go to work without fearing our ovaries will fall out fgs

So you have a cleaner who does most of the general stuff....he doesn’t want to work full time because it’s too much for him...along with the school runs ...shopping .... so he just wants to sit around all day doing nothing?...oh apart from reading his books!
Welcome to the real world where stuff has to get done ! Oh I forgot he also can’t be bothered to learn to drive...what a catch!

"we do have a cleaner for an hour a week. So the basics (hoovering and cleaning the bathroom) are done. So the demands are childcare, cooking, shopping, laundry, general admin, organising and sorting (this is hard as we've just had work done on the house and are not very organised; I do most of it), garden."

An hour a week is not enough surely? How many bedrooms do you have? We have a 3 bedroom house and our cleaner does 3 hours (well she's supposed to, she keeps letting us down...)

But I agree with you (and pointed out up thread) that even with a cleaner there are plenty of day-to-day jobs that still need doing.

You've fallen into the classic trap of doing it all and having to battle for him to do even the minimum.

“ You've fallen into the classic trap of doing it all and having to battle for him to do even the minimum“ exactly this lm afraid.

What is he bringing to the table exactly? By that l don’t mean money but how does he benefit you all? Everyone has to contribute in this world, he doesn’t appear to contribute much and is a moaner as well. Why is he resentful of you? It sounds like you do way more than him and work full time

Why is he resentful of you? It sounds like you do way more than him and work full time

I think, weirdly, that answers its own question. In my experience, the man can be resentful of the woman FOR doing everything, despite having put her in the position by failing to step up.

Though god only knows what goes on in their heads...

Some kind of pride thing? "I don't want to do x, but now I'm embarrassed that's she's doing it".

Mystery

yup, it shows them up for the cocklodging whiners that they are.

So he basically wants to be a kept man, I guess. To work part time and have the rest of the time to do stuff thats fun, with all responsibilities and boring stuff assigned to someone else.

Sometimes I think we're just bees. Female worker bees and male drones. And the female Queen.

(I don't really, I know lots of hardworking men. Not so sure they work hard at home though...)

The only thing that is fair is equal lessons time...

I suspect as he doesn't want to work and resents doing domestic chores and parenting that actually he just wants to have lots of leisure time and doesn't care whether you get any or not...

If you split he would have even less leisure time!

Sorry but that would annoy me. If he feels emasculated because you earn more or work more, he can up his hours, learn to drive, spend his evenings doing DIY instead of down at the pub.

As a previous poster said, what does he bring to the relationship? You are working hard, doing half the housework and he is miserable and resentful. Why would you put up with this?

Downsize to a houseboat or static caravan??? Less to clean and less upkeep jobs perhaps ?

You have to be exceedingly tidy and organised in a boat or caravan!