DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

Unfortunately he is going to have to suck it up. These things have to be done when you are a grown up and I think it is extremely unfair of him to keep moaning about it.
I find housework tedious to say the least but I do it because I don't want to live in a slum like my old next door neighbour used to. He was dreadful, he was in his fifties and his house and garden was just horrific, filthy, should have been condemned. I could never go out with a man like that.
What he's doing by saying all this is making him unhappy is that he thinks you should do it all as you are the one who doesn't want to live in a slum and going out of his way to make you feel bad about it.
I dislike ckeaning, paperwork, ironing but I also have standards and take pride in my home.
I'd love to do my hobbies all day long and nothing else but that is not doable.
He thinks if he moans enought you will eventually work long hours and pick up the slack at home too.
He needs to grow before he makes you so miserable you leave him.

I hate all household jobs too despite also hating mess so I am often at a stalemate with myself! However, my standards are pretty low as I have 2 mud magnet dogs so nothing ever stays clean for more than a few minutes.
I just find there are so many more things I would rather be doing than scrubbing the bathroom or the floor.
My husband is pretty good and does most of the cleaning in the house.

Can you not afford a cleaner though? You say you earn enough that he doesn’t really need to work. If his wages are enough for a cleaner, you’ve outsourced the problem?

Depends how much he is expected to do for the kids. Presumably he is the one that has to drop everything and cover if they are sick etc. even if they are at school. Did he do the home schooling and their lunches during lockdown?

It would be hard doing housework on top of that and a part-time job that he is hanging onto to keep some kind of independence.

If neither of you is keen on housework and you can find the money then a cleaner sounds like a good way to lighten the load.

Ask him what tasks can be outsourced.
Or, how about upgrading your appliances? Many men like gadgets.
Get a Roomba?

It’s essentially a role reversal of many marriages, and I am not sure we are seeing the whole picture, when there is also childcare involved.

He’s very effectively transferring the responsibility for his emotional state on to you. It sounds like he’s not made the transfer into being an adult very well. Also, work isn’t just about earning money it can offer some sort of emotional fulfilment as well.

I think he needs to do some thinking.

Not many people actually enjoy cleaning, it is boring and repetitive and often thankless however it needs to be done so adults do it without whinging. Your problem is your DH is making you feel bad f or wanting to live in a normally clean and tidy house. Your comment about him in effect sulking about having to do it is quite telling. You earn more and work more, he has greater leisure time than you but is resentful of you! That is a problem. Most families where one partner works more accept that the part time partner takes over a larger share of the household tasks and running of the house to ensure you both have equal leisure time. He either needs to grow up and get on with the work or get a full time job and employ a nanny and cleaner to take over the tasks he feels he shouldn't have to do. If he doesn't want to put the hours in then you can se that it is a form of laziness. Laziness doesn't mean not doing anything you know, it can also mean someone who only does the fun things that benefit themselves. Reading difficult books and exercising are things that he likes and enjoys. Don't pander to him anymore he is being unreasonable.

I've definitely not made the transition to being an adult well. It's not a person I resent, just the fact that I have to fill my life with so much dull, monotonous stuff.

I think it's hard for people to understand, if they are the "it's boring/I hate it but I have to do it type". I'm very academic, but have failed numerous courses and modules of my degree because the subject matter bored me. So I did no work and failed. Stuff I enjoy I got firsts for.

I do it with life admin too. I've been known to ignore fines, serious debt, sorting out insurance. Even though I am intelligent and know how important it is. I just can't make myself do it.

A cleaner won't do the day-to-day chores including cooking, washing up or loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry, and doing basic tidying.

I would say a major hoover, kitchen and bathroom only needs doing once a week for most people's standards. Other than that for those jobs the employers only has to use the loo brush occasionally for any obvious skank, and maybe flick the hoover round the front room or something in the week if they're picky. Of course it doesn't cover the whole week's jobs but it means there's less for the employers to do on top of those.

@AnotherEmma When I was a cleaner that's exactly the sort of thing I used to do, depending what people wanted. They can even get someone happy to cook if they want- most people can cook a meal after all.

I also did a little ironing and changing quilt covers etc (boo, hiss) in one job. And laundry. They can tell the cleaner what they want them to do and will easily find someone to accept it. But hoover/bathroom/kitchen (usually people want dusting too) and tidy any kid's toys etc is probably the best thing to prioritize.

He needs to get a grip.
He's an adult and should be pulling his weight and setting an example to his dc.
If he wants to live in mess, designate "mess" space
He lives with people, he needs to be mindful of them.

@NoMoreDickheads
You've just described a load of things that I didn't even mention in my post.
I didn't mention the jobs that can be done weekly by a cleaner such as vacuuming, cleaning kitchen and bathroom, ironing.
I'm talking about the DAILY tasks that have to be done.
Unless you actually go to some customers' houses every single day to do literally everything for them?!
Very few people have money for that.
Getting a cleaner helps, but it's not a magic solution.
My point was, and still is, that there are still little tasks that need to be done every day.
Someone who is lazy and/or hates ALL household jobs won't even do those (or will be resentful).
Sounds like the OP's husband is in that category so a cleaner would help but not fix it.

What is the actual point of him? He doesn't work much, he moans and makes you feel bad about doing stuff that every adult has to do like housework. I know you are going to say that he is lovely and kind and a thoroughly wonderful person, well... I'd be lovely if I could sit around on my arse playing sport and popping down the pub while someone else did all the work!

I'll come and live with you, shall I? I know how to be an adult and I promise not to moan about the cleaning.

If your DH lived on his own, he would need to do some basic cleaning or pay someone else

I don't particularly enjoy chores, but I get a sense of satisfaction when they are completed. Perhaps, he resents the repeativeness of chores

If I'm not working
If it's a sunny day, I would rather be outside enjoying myself
Some chores can wait !

Hang on, don’t most part time working women in their thirties and forties feel this way? Has he not watched Shirley Valentine? Housework isn’t glamorous or rewarding. It’s nice that you want to solve it for him, but it’s a lot of emotional labour - I guess because he burdens you with the resentment.

If your DH lived on his own, he would need to do some basic cleaning or pay someone else

I think many men living alone are happy to live with fairly basic levels of cleaning. My ex washes his clothes regularly but would only change his bed every 2-3 weeks, wash up only when he ran out of plates, bleach loo and clean bathroom maybe monthly, hoover maybe once every 3 months and dust perhaps once a year. That said he lived quite 'lightly' in his home as many people living alone do, so whilst it wasn't as clean as my own home it wasn't filthy. I do all of the above weekly in my own house (living here with 2 adult DC) and I wouldn't say my house looks massively cleaner or tidier unless you're there the day it's done.

We all have different standards and expectations, I know the Mrs Hinch/ TOMM brigade would be appalled that I'm not mopping my floors daily or squeegee-ing my shower with every use...with my ex I knew he would never see the point in cleaning as frequently as I do, so my plan for when we lived together was to get a cleaner to pick up the slack and avoid me getting resentful.

I think in the OPs position if there is no acceptable level of compromise that can be reached over the chores her DH does, then a cleaner is the solution.

OMG this takes it to a whole other level.

Even when the issue of him doing these things is resolved, and he does them regularly and sufficiently - that's not enough? You insist that he has to ENJOY them as well!!!

Bloody hell. He really needs to get a grip. I work part time and do the majority of the housework as DH works part time. I don't enjoy it, it just has to be done so I get on with it. Him being sad because he has to do stuff other than go to the pub and fart about playing with his mates is just pathetic.

Get a cleaner

If he's sad and miserable, OP, set him free.

Show him the door, tell him which way is out and which way is staying in and being an active and useful member of the family. His choice.

I fucking hate household chores and gardening. Spent all day clearing up and it looks like a bomb has gone off tonight.

So you work more, carry the household financially, do housework, but have to live with him sulking? Why? Let him go live on his own.

He’s making things difficult for you.

Your salary allows him to work part time. You’re full time and you share housework. He needs to suck it up.

Imagine what he’d be like with a real problem? How pathetic.

If he does it then accept that it's done and leave it at that.

You get satisfaction from a clean / tidy home, he doesn't. You can't force it.

My mum was like you. Cross if we didn't notice when she'd cleaned the kitchen floor or the windows. But she had to accept that she was doing it for herself not the rest of us. Couldn't understand why we hadn't noticed that the windows were streaky in the first place.

Her mum, my DGM used to say to her, "them as sees it can do it". Rather than witter on about dust on skirting boards either wipe them or shut up. Nobody else cares.

He does sound rather like a teenager. I can't imagine putting my attitude to household chores in to the part of my brain that considers positive and negative feelings. Ijust get on with the jobs without giving headspace to wondering whether I am enjoying myself... yes, they do take up quite a lot of time but tbf this man has a lot more ' me time' than most sah parents or part time woh parents that I am aware of. He has got a choice and that is to work more hours, the children have less time 1:1 with parents and to pay for more help.

I don't like house work, paying bills, eating my veggies or sorting my house insurance but I do it because I'm a grown up and I don't complain about it to the people I love because again I am a grown up.

He's whining cos he thinks you'll make it go away. Don't.

He thinks it's fair to inflict his moods on you. It's not.

He's got it pretty good tbh. I'd show him this thread.

He needs to suck it up and do the chores like an adult. This is pathetic.

If you can afford it, get someone in to do 'jobs'. Then neither of you will be caught up with having to do them.

When you pay people to clean and do the garden, they come and go without fuss. Well worth every penny.