DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

I’m more like your husband . I loathe housework, it literally makes me weep with boredom. I wouldn’t live in squalor but I hate it

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP
I hate housework too, so boring but my mental health is so much better when the house and garden are clean and tidy.
Monday's are now my clean the whole house day. It takes a few hours, dusting and polishing, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathroom etc but what makes it a breeze is having my earphones in listening to an audiobook, I zone out of what I'm doing, go into autopilot and get absorbed listening to my book.

Dh was at one point under the weird impression that I would 'enjoy housework because it was looking after everyone'. Managed to explain without laughing in his face that this was complete rubbish and that as my work hours have increased a greater proportion of the work falls on him. I now work more hours per week. He is the one to moan about 'the state of the house' mainly because I clean the bits that annoy me the most and grit my teeth for the rest.

Whenever the debate arises again I point out that I do all the laundry (unless someone stockpiles dirty clothes in which case they have to do their pile). I do most of the cooking. I do the vast majority of the taxiing around- in lockdown this is now the teaching. I do all the shopping. I probably do more than half the cleaning. I have said that he has three options- do more himself, stop moaning (ideally and do more himself) or find and source a cleaner and arrange for them to come on his day at home so he can manage them as I don't want to add to my mental load to deal with his 50%. So far nothing has happened but wherever he moans I just ask whether he got any further with the cleaner.

The amount of satisfaction I get from doing housework is 0. It doesn't make me feel better or feel virtuous. It bores me like nothing else. I can start on hoovering a room, for example, and wish it was over before I've done a quarter of it. I do minimal and basic housework because I don't like filth and I have some standards but if anyone ever suggested to me I should enjoy doing it I would laugh in their face.

I'm wondering about the fact that you say you are constantly doing household tasks yet expect him to do a lot as well. Most people manage to get a reasonable balance between housework and leisure and aren't "constantly" doing housework. When you say your standards are really not high, are you sure about that?

How much time do you have to yourself? How many evenings do you get in the pub?

He sounds like a lazy man child who thinks he's too important to look after himself and his house.

Hate housework. Lived alone and had a cleaner twice a week at one point in my life. Was brilliant. Would do that again if I could!

Later, with two babies, I had a student come for an hour three times a week from 7-8pm to tidy kitchen and put kids toys away. Was also brilliant.

If he's not happy and resentful, what's he going to do about it? It's not your job to fix how he's feeling. For a start he's got plenty of leeway to either earn more, or reduce expenditure pay for help. He shouldn't need an adult to work this out for him.

@Shouldbedoing

I've gone off him already. Manchild with cocklodger tendencies.

Would you say that to a woman who worked part time? Don’t say it’s different, it’s not

He needs to get a better paid job then so that you both can afford a cleaner

Why doesn't he work a bit more and then you get a cleaner?

No one enjoys cleaning but it's one of those things you just have to do however if he doesn't get that and is now resenting you(?!), a cleaner could be a compromise.

This is ridiculous.

I don’t think anyone enjoys them. And it’s pathetic that he’s resentful when you admit that your standards are not that high.

Also he has so much free time he is actually being very selfish voicing this resentment! He really should be voicing appreciation of this gift of part time work!

We both work full time and we do the bare minimum during the working week (as in basic meal prep, dishwasher/washing machine/dryer loaded and unloaded, Bins emptied, surfaces wiped after meals) and then get stuck in and do a good clean for an hour or so on the weekend. That makes it clean enough for us to feel good and not embarrassing if we have visitors. Maybe you could do similar. Just get it over and done with together?

I don’t get the “resentful” thing. Who/what is he resentful of? Dustmites?

He is resentful of the OP because deep down - he may not even realise he thinks this - he thinks she should do it because she is a woman and thus less special.

OP - I think it would be worth saying to him that you also would like not to have any demands on you, you would love just to be able to do hobbies and chill out. However, money needs to be earned and domestic labour divided. If he isn't happy, what is his suggestion?

He has a day off every week when he goes out for the day and plays squash with his friends (between doing the school runs). He has two evenings a week out at the pub.
He works part time, but basically doesn't have to as I earn enough for us all. But he feels "weighed down by demands" all the time.

He sounds like a totally inadequate individual tbh. He works part time, by choice. You have no money worries, he has a social life and a hobby...yet he can't bring himself to do the jobs everyone has to do? I'd honestly struggle to have any respect for him whatsoever. He sounds about 15.

My ex used to act a bit like this.

He was the high earner, I was a sahm of 2 pre schoolers and I expected him to pull his weight at the weekends and help with a couple of bits during the week. Put the bins out, help get the house back to normal after the kids were in bed/do bedtime while I tidied up.

He frequently told me how having to do these jobs made his life utterly miserable. He became quite miserable and in turn abusive and he always blamed the fact that I expected him to do jobs round the house.

It simply CANNOT be just housework that makes these men miserable. I think my ex had a sense of entitlement around earning more and he shouldn't have to do menial tasks, he saw me as lazy because I didn't go out to work (though did freelance from home with no childcare.) It transpired he was quite a heavy drugs user/porn addict so I guess he wanted some more free time to do that and recover from the drugs, but it became a huge, huge issue because I felt so disrespected. I still think there may have been MH issues at play to have such an extreme reaction to chores.

The crux is I left him, chores are much easier when you don't have another person to clear up after.

You say you’re both “constantly” doing chores. Do you have lots of kids? Because you shouldn’t constantly be doing chores otherwise. Which may indicate your standards are higher than you think.

The optimal result is you find a compromise and potentially a cleaner and gardener.

Weird problem to have. He's doing it anyway because he's not a dick. No issue

So he feels resentful because he's got to adult now and again.

He works part time. Has to do his fair share of chores but also two nights at the pub and a day to do his hobby. Can I move in with you op?

What does he want. A life where he sits in the pub/tv and does his hobby without having to ever cook a meal, clean anything or work? Oh boo hoo - don't we fucking all

I hate household chores and I tend to be a bit slapdash, although I do like a clean environment. My DP is very fastidious and hates mess so often feels the need to re-do any cleaning I attempt. So we have a cleaner. Worth every single penny (well, Euro, as we live in France) for the time and irritation she saves us.

He constantly feels there are too many demands in life.

He has a day off every week when he goes out for the day and plays squash with his friends (between doing the school runs). He has two evenings a week out at the pub.
He works part time, but basically doesn't have to as I earn enough for us all. But he feels "weighed down by demands" all the time.

Just reading this gave me the rage. Weighed down by demands all the time? He has no bloody idea. And pretty much every single mother I know is “weighed down by demands all the time” and they don’t have the sort of leisure time he does either. You’re being weighed down by his bullshit too.

Does he actually carry the mental load in any way? Or is it a case of you carrying the mental effort of everything that has to be done and if you’re lucky he will deign to do some of the isolated tasks and complain about them?

This reminds me a lot of my ex. He said chores damaged his mental health and made him dread the weekends.

The popular advice is 'get a cleaner' and outsource the shitwork, but I think, from experience, that's sticking a plaster over the problem rather than dealing with it. As PPs mentioned, cleaners don't do everything - would he keep surfaces clutter-free for them to clean?

You've also told him it's important to you, but he seems to consider his 'demand free' time more important than doing something that shows love and respect to his spouse/partner and family.

Even if he'd live in squalor if single, you have kids so a clean and safe environment is a need, not a nice to have. Your standards don't sound unreasonably high. He seems to be failing at basic adulting and that is an attraction killer - I would be very worried about what my behaviour was doing to the relationship, if I were him.

It sounds to me as if he may see no point to his life anyway,not just to housework.
You've said he works part time,but doesn't have to because you earn enough and have much higher earning potential.
Does he enjoy his job? Or is he doing a job he isn't excited by to earn money you don't need as a family - pointless- while spending more time at home where he feels he should do housework which he also sees as pointless? Has he taken up the at home more role reluctantly because you are the higher earner and your job is more important?
Housework can be pretty futile particularly in the short term,some has to be done but a lot of it is standards and preferences rather than vital ( I love housework a lot of the time personally,but it's a preference.)
You do have to do things you don't enjoy in life but if your entire life is composed of things you don't like you have a problem.
The " too many demands" feeling is a stress thing for me.

Would you say that to a woman who worked part time? Don’t say it’s different, it’s not

A woman who worked part time would be told that as she's home the most the greater proportion of housework should fall to her.

My filth threshold was always high - much higher than my OH's - so he would feel the urge to clean or tidy up long before I though it was necessary. Worked well for me - he would have tidied up long before I might have though it necessary - perfect!

Different people have different thresholds.

I’d be very inclined to set him free to go live his best life in between child contact etc.

Household chores at pretty shit. Some are a bit less tedious - e.g. gardening, cooking a nice meal - but most people wouldn't do them unless they had to. He needs to do his fair share as an adult living in the house, that's just life. Expecting to enjoy it is unrealistic.